I've been tortured by mental illness for years, and I've had countless thoughts of suicide, and I've tried to hurt myself, and sometimes I don't think I can live, and I don't think I can live up to the expectations of other people and myself, and I'm disappointed.
When I saw the news of the roasted potato leaves, and watched the warm messages from everyone, I realized that I am not the only one who is suffering; I am not the only one who is not easy to live with, so we are the majority.
We are all the same, with unknown difficult moments, we are all in the difficult to move forward.
It's easy to die, it's hard to live, but we have to live, and continue to fight with fate.
It's really hard to be understood, so you don't need to be understood, just understand yourself.
The world has always taught us how to succeed, but no one has taught us to accept mediocrity.
Because of the death of braised potato leaves, these days this sentence read a lot of times. It's a good point. From the beginning of the school year, we know that the only way to get a good job and a good life is to excel and get into a major university.
Society has always pushed us to grow up and become useful to society, and no one cares whether we are happy or not.
Probably, in their view, the only way to be successful is to live a good life.
I don't know how many people, like me, have pushed themselves into a dilemma in order to live the way other people want them to live.
I was also afraid to find a job after graduation for a long time, afraid that I could not adapt to society, a little social phobia.
Most of the time, I blame myself for not working hard enough in high school to get into a good university; for not learning the specialized knowledge in university; for not being able to find a job after graduation; for not being able to work; for not being able to achieve anything in my career after working for several years.
I thought about it carefully, the reason why I became like this is because I have been in the struggle between living into the mold that others want and the mold that I want to live into.
On the one hand, I want to do what I love, but I can't support myself at the moment; on the other hand, I'm afraid that people will say I'm not doing my job.
So I chose to support myself first.
In these five years, I changed a few jobs, still hovering on the edge of supporting myself, and I didn't make any achievements to satisfy myself. On the contrary, from the dream is getting farther and farther away, which is unacceptable to me; in my opinion, I temporarily compromised to the reality, but also in serious life, get should not be just this.
Life life did not take care of, and the idea of not getting any comfort, which is too desperate for me.
It's scary when life loses its meaning.
You will doubt your own ability, doubt your own choice and persistence, doubt the world malicious and warm.
When there is no way to reconcile with yourself, guilt and despair come at you from all sides, leaving you unable to fight.
It's really hard to be alive.
It was the braised potato leaves that made me decide to stay alive.
No matter what, there is still warmth in this world, still worth looking forward to.
I will slowly accept this not-so-good self, slowly accept mediocrity.
But, in the mediocrity, will still insist on pursuing the dream.
I will continue to write, continue to move forward, and will try to become what I like.
Sharing a message to braised potato leaves:
@colosse
#DalianTechnology
In fact, our generation, a lot of them have no back roads.
There is no default "safe haven" when you feel defeated and hopeless.
I don't think it's a good idea to go home like this, go back to the house with mom and dad, and finish the rest of the day.
I don't think it's a good idea to go back to the house with mom and dad and finish the rest of the day.
Many people don't really think of home as a retreat. At low points, family can even put more pressure.
I see a lot of young people standing in the middle of the road, just standing and crying. There is no light behind them and a white fog in front of them.
When I read the last sentence, I remembered myself looking for a job in Shenzhen in 2016.
At that time, I had just resigned from a foreign trade export company, and that was the only time I looked for a job related to my specialty.
Unfortunately, it didn't stick around.
That day, I was wandering aimlessly on the street, and for the first time, I y realized the word "lost".
The world is so big, but there is no place I can go.
That day, I stood in the middle of the road, just like that, looking around, wanting to cry.
But I didn't cry, I just kept walking aimlessly.
I wish I had cried out loud then, if I had learned to release my emotions boldly, maybe everything would have been different.
So yeah, emotional release is so important.
Everything in the heart, the heart is so big, one day will not be able to bear.
So ah, must not learn from me, do not give yourself too much pressure.
When life is too difficult, stop and take a break, give yourself a vacation, put down everything, and find a place to slowly reconcile with yourself.
There's nothing to be afraid of when you start over, find a job you like and treat yourself as if you're a newcomer to society, and start over.