1. It's said that when there is a meteor in the sky, it's very clever to make a wish. I made a wish to a shooting star that day, hoping that you would be smarter. Shit! Guess what? The meteor flew back the same way!
2. I bought a Western Zhou pottery jar for 81,111 yuan, and it arrived yesterday <; Jianbao > Column identification, experts seriously said: "which is this from the Western Zhou Dynasty? This is from last week!
3. Son: "Mom, I failed the math test today." Mother: "Why, what question?" Son: "The teacher asked me 2*3=? I said =6. "Mother:" That's right, and then what? "Son:" Then the teacher asked me 3*2=? "Mother:" Isn't this the same? "Son:" That's what I said ...
4. A prisoner was executed by shooting. The bullet was produced in "a certain county" and the quality was not good. The first shot was not released, and then the second shot was fired ... the third shot ... At this moment, the prisoner burst into tears: "You strangle me, it's so scary!"
5. The father told his son a story: "Uncle told Xiaoyang to chop wood, but Xiaoyang cut down Uncle's favorite peach tree. Uncle was very angry but didn't scold him. Do you know why?" The son replied, "It may be because Xiaoyang still has an axe in his hand, so he dare not scold him.
6. The doctor asked the patient how he broke his bone. A: I felt that there was sand in his shoes, so I shook my shoes with a telephone pole, and I shook and shook ... Someone thought I was electrocuted, so he picked up a wooden stick and gave me two sticks.
7. A judge squinted and tried three suspects, A, B and C, one day.
The judge said to A, "Did you steal something?"
B replied, "No"
The judge was furious, "I didn't ask you."
c said, "I didn't say anything either."
8. Last bus
Night, last bus, a woman in white sits in the last row.
the driver looked in the rearview mirror, and the girl was gone. What a shock!
turn around suddenly and people will sit there.
keep driving and looking at the rearview mirror, the woman is gone, the emergency brake is turned back, and the woman is now.
keep driving and look in the rearview mirror. No more women!
Suddenly, the woman came slowly, her hair was messy and her face was covered with blood. She said in a low voice,
"Do I have a grudge against you? As soon as you tie your shoelaces, you brake hard. "
9. Know one's own people
A group of professors were invited on a plane.
after sitting down, they were told that the plane was designed by their students.
As a result, many professors got off the plane.
only one professor sat there motionless.
When someone asked him why he didn't get down quickly, he said, "Don't worry, this plane can't fly at all."
11. Teachers who care about students
One day, when the math teacher finished class, he said, "Students, the senior high school entrance examination is coming soon. In order to make everyone get good grades in the exam, I went to the bookstore last night to find a very good counseling material, many of which are from the senior high school entrance examination in previous years. I suggest ... "
Before I finished, I was interrupted by a male voice:" Stop talking so much nonsense and make a price! "
11. I didn't bring my book
My classmate's school style of study was not very strong, and no one came to class at the end of the term.
In other words, my classmate is still very obedient, and he went to class after one class.
As a result, he came to the classroom that can accommodate 111 people alone. When the teacher saw his studious spirit, he said, classmate, let me draw the key points for you!
The best thing is that my classmate said, "Teacher, I didn't bring my book."
12. Cooking
In the canteen, student A said to student B,
"The new semester is a new atmosphere. The amount of food today is obviously more than before, and our suggestions have finally been taken seriously. "
Student B patted him on the shoulder and said, "Don't think too much. The master took two months off, and his hands are a little rusty."
13. Only one demonstration is allowed
The instructor of the Iraqi suicide bomb training camp said to the new young man who entered the training camp:
"Attention, everyone, I will only demonstrate this thing once!"
14. Don't waste salt in cooking.
I was hungry last night, so I went to eat at the bottom.
when the water boils, put the salt on, and accidentally put it on.
I didn't want to waste it, so I put my hand in the pot and rinsed it ...
15. I'm done!
One day, Xiao Ming's phone rang. Xiao Ming immediately answered the phone and said,
"Hello, this is a telephone message. Please leave a message after du."
There was no response on the other end of the phone for a long time. Xiao Ming said angrily, "I'm du, why don't you talk!"
16. People who can sleep
The college entrance examination these days, as we all know,
Just now, I saw the hair of a god in Weibo, and it was: Damn, I got up late, so I'm going to repeat it next year.
people who can sleep can't afford to get hurt.
17. You look like shit.
Once I quarreled with my classmate, he was so noisy that I couldn't argue with him.
as soon as I was in a hurry, I said, "I spit your face like shit."
after listening, he looked at me for a few seconds, and sure enough, he stopped arguing.
18. What do you want others to say
The priest asked his parishioners, "What do you want others to say when you are lying in the coffin?"
one person said, "I hope others will say that I am a family-oriented person."
another person said, "I hope others will say that I am helpful."
the third person said, "I hope others will say,' Look, he seems to be moving!'" "
19. The door that can't be pushed open
Patient:" Doctor, I always dream the same nightmare recently. What's the matter? "
doctor: "what dream did you dream?"
patient: "I always dreamed that I came to a door, so I pushed and pushed, but I couldn't open it!" "
doctor: "what's on the door?"
Patient: "There is a word' pull' ..."
21. Good and bad studies
Before the exam, the children who studied well said, "I went to the exam!" If you don't study well, say, "I'll go! Exam! "
21. Hold my hand
The warden asked the condemned man who was sitting in the electric chair before his execution, "Do you have any other requirements?"
Death row inmate: "I just hope you can hold my hand during the execution and make my heart feel better."
the children who studied well after the exam said, "I finished the exam!" " Those who are not good at learning say, "Damn it! It's over! "
21. I can't attend this class.
The school just started after the winter vacation. In a second-grade primary school class, 81% of the students are doing their own things.
The teacher was angry: "Do whatever you like! This class can't be attended. "
A classmate calmly raised his hand: "Teacher, can I shoot?"
The teacher casually said, "Whatever."
The student casually took out a set of firecrackers from his schoolbag and put them in the classroom ...
22.
The son came home trembling: "Dad, I only got 61 points in the exam today." Dad is very angry: "Don't call me dad if you fail in the exam next time!" " The next day, my son came back: "Sorry, brother!" "
23.
whose bodyguard is more loyal than the leaders of China and the United States? The American leader ordered the bodyguard to jump from the 11th floor, and the bodyguard knelt down and said, "Come on, I have family." . So the president of the United States relented. The leader of China ordered the bodyguard to jump, but the bodyguard of China would jump without saying anything. The president of the United States quickly grabbed him in fear. China's bodyguard said, "Come on, I have family."
24.
Teacher: "Daxiong, the teacher gave you 91 yuan, and then you borrowed 11 yuan from Pang Hu, so how much money do you have?"
Nobita: "1 yuan."
teacher: "you don't know anything about math!" "
Nobita: "You don't know anything about Pang Hu! ! ！”
25.
The patients in the intensive care unit of a hospital always die around eleven o'clock on Sunday, which puzzled the doctors and even thought it was paranormal, so an expert group was set up to investigate the cause. On Sunday, the clock just struck eleven o'clock. Through the monitor, it was found that the cleaner who cleaned on Sunday walked into the intensive care unit, unplugged the wire plug of the life support system of the seriously ill patient, then plugged in the vacuum cleaner and began to clean. . .
26.
It's a waste for the handsome boy across the street to eat noodles. Take two bites of noodles and leave. So I just poured the bowl of noodles to the hungry wild cats on the roadside. After a while, the handsome boy came back with a bottle of water in his hand. I looked at the empty bowl with a suspicious face … At that moment, I just wanted to be a passerby who was immersed in noodles …
27.
I went to the school supermarket to buy things today.
I have to brush the bar code when I check out ~ There will be a beep ~
I can't brush a marinated egg I bought ...
I didn't know what was going on in my head at that time ...
Just like this, a sentence:
"beep! ~ ~ ~ "
The whole venue is petrified ~ ~
26. A girl as big as a king
picked up the plane at noon and stood next to a couple.
The girls are dressed in fancy, with blue and white trousers, purple high heels and sequined T-shirts to make a pink suit.
She coquetry with her husband: "Do you think I'm dressed well today?"
Her husband calmly replied, "Well, it's good. If the suit is red, it will be more like the king in poker."
27. Spicy eyes
In class, a classmate was sleeping on his stomach, and the classmate farted in front of him.
The one who was sleeping behind suddenly rubbed his eyes and said, "This fart is really spicy!"
28. There is no failure in the dictionary
In class, the teacher said, "There is no word' failure' in my life dictionary!"
Just after that, a dictionary came from the bottom: "Teacher, I'll lend it to you!" "
teacher: "you stand up in this class."
29. I have put up with her for a long time
After quarreling with my wife, I came to my room alone, closed the door and lay in bed with my eyes closed.
I don't know when my son who went to kindergarten stood in front of the bed and asked in a sympathetic tone, "Very depressed, isn't it?"
I opened my eyes and looked at my son and sighed.
My son patted me on the shoulder and said, "Ah, that's what women do! I have endured her for a long time. "
31. You can give it an animal world.
Go to the Internet cafe to surf the Internet. The buddy sitting next to me brought a pet dog (very small) and put it on the computer desk. The buddy played games by himself.
In a short time, the dog was crawling around on the keyboard.
After several failed warnings, the buddy got angry and shouted at the dog, "Do you want to turn on the machine for you?"
31. Shout the slogan
The whole class collectively shouted the slogan: "Tsinghua Peking University is a cinch. Cambridge Harvard, disdain a fight. "
Later, the class at the back replied: "The stars are old and immortal, and their powers are boundless."
32. The bungee cord is broken
A person asked on the Internet: If you were bungee jumping and fell halfway, what would you say (only two words)?
most of them talk about profiteers, damn it, nima and so on, but one man of god replied: transformation.
33. Big boy
When having a meal, my mother gave my father a big bowl of rice. When my father saw it, he said, "It's too much to eat."
The son answered: "You are such a big boy, why can't you eat!"
the family laughed and sprayed on the spot.
34. Drive a taxi with your eyes closed
I took a taxi home in the middle of the night last night and sat in the back.
After walking for three minutes, I suddenly saw my brother sleeping in the rearview mirror and driving with his eyes closed!
just about to call him, he suddenly opened his eyes and asked me, "Brother, do you have a driver's license? Open for my brother for a while, I am too tired. "
Then, I drove home in a taxi ...
35. My hair was wrapped around jade and burned constantly
It is said that if my hair was wrapped around jade and burned with a lighter, it would be real jade.
My brother has a family heirloom that he has carried with him for more than ten years. On a whim one day, I wanted to prove to my brother that it was priceless, so I used this method.
In the end, not only was the hair cut off, but the family heirloom that accompanied him for more than ten years was burned ...
36. Rural children
Urban children proudly said to rural children: Have you ever eaten McDonald's or KFC? Rural children shook their heads and asked: Have you ever eaten vegetables without pesticides?
37. True story
Tell a true story. When I was a child, my family wanted to water the orchard with a well. My father had just installed the switch .......................................................................................................................... The idiot touched it, and Nima was lying on the ground in an instant. This is not gc gc. I got up and ran to the back of the house and recited the multiplication table on both sides before I dared to sneak home.
38. Diversified occupations
There is a park in my hometown with an ancient Buddhist temple, so there are many fortune-telling booths. . . Background. . . When I passed a fortune-telling stall, I heard the stall owner say to the stall owner next door, Business is too bad. Please watch the stall for me and I'll pick up the bottles. . . Pick up the bottle. . . Uncle, how diverse your career is!