First of all, talk about conflict: where does the conflict come from? What are the manifestations of conflict?
Conflicts originate from differences and disagreements. In this pluralistic world, everyone is an independent human body, living, working and studying. Conflict is inevitable in every aspect of life, at every stage of life, even with us. But we should remember one thing: "Conflicts originate from differences, but differences do not necessarily lead to conflicts."
There are many kinds of conflicts, including our inner conflicts and external conflicts. In the family, there are conflicts between different relationships, such as conflicts between husband and wife, conflicts between parents and children, conflicts between grandparents and grandchildren, and conflicts within individuals. According to the external manifestations of conflicts, conflicts can be divided into hot conflicts (violence) and cold conflicts (cold violence).
In the conflict, people's performance will include: winning or losing, compromise and win-win.
We will see that conflict does not always bring harm. Through communication skills and attitudes, people can make conflicts an opportunity to deepen contact, rather than a reason to hurt each other. For example, after a big fight, the couple cried and cherished each other more; Adolescents contradict their parents. After the quarrel, parents understand their children better, and children are more considerate of their parents ... what happened in the middle? Why can others warm up their feelings and produce more love and understanding after a big fight?
In his other book, Conflict Resolution with Non-violent Communication, Dr. Marshall Luxembourg introduced in detail how to improve your interpersonal relationship and life course with non-violent communication and how to make us live a better life. Not only personal conflicts, but also conflicts between regions, races and countries can be mediated and transformed through non-violent communication, which can turn conflicts into channels to deepen mutual contact and promote mutual support.
People can solve conflicts in the following ways: competition, cooperation, compromise, avoidance and accommodation. There is no right or wrong way to solve these conflicts, just like the nine personality types in Nine Personality. Everyone may make different choices in different situations and positions. Behind every choice is to meet some needs, which are very important to the parties.
How to resolve conflicts through nonviolent communication?
First of all, we need to learn to use sentence patterns or thinking patterns of non-violent communication. "When I see … I think … because my needs … have been met/not met, would you like to do …?" This sentence pattern contains four elements of nonviolent communication: observation, feeling, need and request. When we communicate based on our knowledge of needs, we will pay more attention to the future or the satisfaction of needs, and will not be limited by the current events themselves and the emotions they cause. Behind our differences, we will see more demand for a better life.
Secondly, we should know that we use this communication sentence or communication mode, not only to communicate with others, but also to communicate with ourselves. On the one hand, nonviolent communication helps us to express ourselves honestly, on the other hand, it helps us to listen to others with concern. When we can feel our feelings through behavior, see our real needs through feelings and express them accurately, instead of blaming, complaining, ordering, forcing or other ways that may cause misunderstanding and confrontation, our needs may be met in a relatively short time. When we can listen to each other through their behavior, understand their feelings and try to see their real needs, we will not be angry because of his excessive behavior or his emotions, we will be able to understand his meaning in the shortest time, and it is possible to avoid greater conflicts or injuries.
Finally, we should remember that conflict is not terrible, what matters is how we look at it. In our personal growth, we will face conflicts all the time. In the process of getting along with others, conflicts are everywhere. Conflict is an opportunity for us to grow up, and we can get to know each other better in conflict. As long as we can learn to transform conflicts and treat them correctly, conflicts will bring us surprises.
Case sharing:
The recent epidemic has given me more time to spend with my children, which has met the needs of each other's company, but it has also brought a series of conflicts, such as whether to watch TV, whether to play mobile phones and how long to play. I am writing and the children are drawing tonight. I hope to finish my article quietly, but the child keeps asking questions. I told him several times that I was going to write and stop talking. He still went his own way and replied, "Can't I talk to myself?" I'm about to explode in an instant. I can't help it That's what happens to a child who is almost seven years old. He needs to express, understand, see and affirm. I shouted, "no! You interrupted my train of thought! " "Oh, I see, Mom." He seems to understand, but I know in my heart that he will soon start chanting involuntarily. What shall we do? He needs expression, I need space, and I want to be there for him at any time. I thought of putting on headphones and playing my favorite light music. Then there is a quiet time. I love my child, I want to accompany him and support him, and he loves me. He wants to control himself, but he can't. Wearing headphones is really a good choice.