1 My colleague asked me: Is Clinton's wife Chirac?

2 Once I borrowed money from someone, I originally wanted to say "I'll pay you back when I get the money"

I said "I'll get you when I have the money"

Khan

3 My classmate's name is Yu Jingbo, and one day I wrote a letter, and the dormitory doorman shouted at the entrance of the dormitory: Dried cold rice noodles, dried cold rice noodles!

4 Our Chinese teacher: Please turn your books to 121 yuan.

The whole class was dizzy, and the teacher was nicknamed "money addict". Hehe

5 Once a friend was watching a CD at home, the quality of the CD was not good. The friend said, "Why are there so many Marx?" It took a long time to understand that he meant Massek!

6 when a buddy gets married, give him a red envelope. Dude politely said no

I said, that's fine, just once a year, you must take it.

7 role reading White-haired Girl in junior high school

One boy (Yang Bailao): Pulled two Jin of red head rope and tied it up for my daughter ...

Teacher: It's not a mummy ...

8 When I was cooking, I persistently pointed to cauliflower and said: A potato.

aunt asked: cauliflower?

I continued to point to cauliflower and said: potato

Aunt asked: Is it potato or cauliflower?

I said in a hurry: isn't this a potato ... er, cauliflower?

Now that I think about it, it's enough to make people vomit blood. sorry, the aunt who sells rice

9 went to buy cakes. Originally, she wanted to say "two yellow pear pies and an egg tower", but she said "two orioles singing egg towers".

What's even more depressing is that the shopkeeper actually understood ...

At p>11, there was a girl named Liu Yun in our class. Once, a classmate from another class sent her a letter. On the envelope, the word "non-success" in the lower half of the word "cloud" has a horizontal line, which has become a dot because it is too scribbled. As a result, the classmate took the letter and called "Liu Mang, who is Liu Mang? There is a letter for you." All the people in the corridor ran out to see Liu Mang (rogue). As a result, the girl named Liu Yun was called a rogue for four years.

11 There was a time when there were rats at home, so my mother bought rat poison to keep the family quiet, but there was no medicine for any rats. One day early in the morning, my mother got up and looked at the rat poison in the corner of the doorman, and said to herself, "How come no one takes this medicine?" ~ ~ ~ "The whole family fainted. . .

12 An English teacher teaches grammar. Before class, she asks everyone, "I've finished. Do you still understand?" We replied in unison: "No!"

13 till, raising my cup, I asked the bright moon, sinking back again, I thought suddenly of home.

14 When playing mahjong on a hot day, the power suddenly went out, so we had to buy candles to continue fighting. After half an hour, it was too hot to stand. One person said, "Let's turn on the electric fan, it's so hot." Another person said, "You can't open it. If you open it, you will blow out the candle."

15 as the saying goes: murder and arson, pay back the debt.

16 In physics class, the teacher talked about radioactive elements and said: Radioactive elements are very dangerous, so you humans must stay away from them! !

17 Spit grape skins when you can't eat grapes

18 I received a phone call at the company, which was promoted by a garment company, and kept saying that I had made uniform clothes for a certain big company and so on. I caught the gap between each other's speeches and blurted out, "Our company doesn't dress uniformly!"

the other party whispered for a few seconds and then said "excuse me" and hung up.

19 Our university teacher: I'm looking for three classmates, a man and a woman ...

The whole class began to look around for Chris Lee.

I went back to my dormitory after p>21 nights' self-study, and Lu Yu was a fairy mm, so I followed

and always wanted to strike up a conversation, but I didn't have the guts to go forward until Fairy mm was about to enter the girls' building.

I bit my teeth and stepped forward and asked the mm loudly: Excuse me, classmate, are you a woman?

Later ... Later, I enjoyed the white eyes of the fairy mm for two years.

21 In Deng Lun class, the teacher was passionate: How many heroic sons and daughters are lingering underground ...

22 students' graduation works were made of big red cloth and sewn on black robes.

The teacher who answered asked: Why does the phoenix use red instead of other colors?

When that classmate got excited, he blurted out: Because the phoenix is on fire! ! Three seconds later, the students who came to see the defense laughed hysterically, and my stomach twisted with laughter!

23 When I was in junior high school, the teacher told me to recite Mulan Ci (the teacher compared BT), and I was nervous ... Adi heard my sister coming, sharpened his knife and laughed at his parents (pigs and sheep) ...

The whole class laughed and laughed at himself, but I forgot all about the back. Fortunately, the teacher didn't punish me ~ ~

For 24 days, heaven, earth, Dou E.

24 bought WSJ for LP, but I didn't know what to buy after going to the store for a long time, so I took a bag at random and asked the shopkeeper, "Boss, is this good?" The boss (male) gawked at me for 5 seconds and said, "I haven't used this either!" "

when I was p>25 years old, my father watched me write a composition. There was a simple mistake in writing. My father smiled and said to my mother, "I found your son very stupid." I was in a hurry and loudly said to my dad, "Your son is stupid!" -_-b

26 soldiers came to cover up the water

27 My mother once went to the bank to pay the water bill. After paying the money, the person in the bank said, you don't have enough money. Here's the second page. You have to pay this, too.

My mother: What's the second page?

Staff: Sewage

My mother: My family never drinks sewage.

28 The director of our senior high school office once again lashed out at us for not listening well in class, saying, "If you do this again, don't blame me for not being human!"

29 math teacher's trademark action

Raise two fingers and say to the students, "Students, the key to learning math well is three words! ! Do more exercises! ! "

31 The other day I said my girlfriend was as stupid as a pig, and she twisted me, which was very painful and she never let go. When I was in a hurry, I said," I told your mother that you abused pigs! "

31 one day, I went to visit Guanyin with my parents and my younger brother.

I didn't wake up much. I went to the next stop and said,

Avalokitesvara, who is suffering ...

My parents:-_ _ _-||| | |

My younger brother:-_ _ _-|||| | |

.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 11, tick ... (suddenly stopped)

33 One day, my dear mommy asked me to buy pepper.

Mommy: "Go and buy a catty of pepper."

accidentally: "a kilo! Why buy so much? "

Mommy: "Nonsense ~ for cooking! ! ！”

I was depressed and surprised when I went out to buy it. When I was leaving, I asked a special sentence: "Are you sure you want to buy a catty?" ！”

Answer my mother's dirty eyes! Sweat ...

When I got to the vegetable market, the more I thought about it, the more wrong it was. Why did you buy a catty of pepper? Isn't it too much? ! Take out the phone-reconfirm!

the answer is still the same: a catty of pepper! ! !

a catty of pepper is 28 yuan, and the boss weighed it for me and bagged it. I was about to pay for it when the phone rang ~ ~ ~ Mom? !

I just heard the phone growl, "Wrong! Wrong! ! Not a catty, not a catty, but one or two! ! ！”

sweating! ! ! !

34 when the house was just handed over, there were many people coming and going, and every time the security guard would ask questions.

I wanted to say that I am the owner, but I often say that I am the landlord ...

I ran away when the security guard's brain was short-circuited.

in my freshman year of p>35, I played a "thief" at a party in the courtyard, which made me famous and won the favor of girls. On weekdays, I was called a "thief". One day, when I wandered to Asia Trade, I was seen by a quick-talking Harbin girl in my class. She shouted at me excitedly and rushed over: "Alas-thief-thief", which caused me to be caught by the people next to me immediately ...

There was also a

1 unit toast, and a leader said, "I wish you all a good health ..." Hold your breath, and there were no words.

I once booked a hotel for my boss, and wanted to ask him if he had any free Internet service, but I couldn't figure out how to say it, so I asked him, "Excuse me, do you have any special services here?" "

the other party:" what? Special service We are a regular hotel! "

-__-! ! ! !

3. Old four in the dormitory got out of bed and looked for slippers for a long time. No, I asked everyone: Why are my slippers?

4 when I was shopping, my friend suddenly exclaimed, "Wow! Virgin bookstore'! " I was shocked. I looked up and saw a plaque with four big letters

-foreign language bookstore-_ _!

5 I once went to buy mutton kebabs

I held out four fingers and said to my boss, "Three mutton kebabs"

How many did my boss get?

I held out three fingers and said "four" ...

6 Our general manager's surname is Zhou. Once he called, I was driving, and when I was nervous, I said, "Premier Zhou ..."

7 My name is Zhu, and I manage the unit computer room. Someone once called my mobile phone: "Chief Chicken, are you in the pig house?" At that time, I scolded the guy

8 and stood in line in the canteen. I heard a boy next to me say, "Master, a bowl of soup with bullet cauliflower!" " (Porphyra and egg soup) Haha, I laughed so hard that I sprayed soup.

9 I ate slowly and was hungry at a rice noodle shop one day

I finally hit the table and growled. I was going to say that I would lift the table if I didn't go to the rice noodle shop again!

The result says, "Boss! ! ! ! I'll eat the table if I don't serve rice noodles! ! ! !"

After the whole store was silent for 3 seconds, it burst into laughter under the table ... shame ...

11 My parents quarreled, and my dad said angrily, "I'll get out of here! "

11 when I was playing basketball in high school, after A got the ball, I selflessly passed it to B, and B scored easily. After a while, B got the ball, and A shouted to pass it to him. B threw the ball himself. As a result, A shouted angrily," I was really blind just now ...

The whole audience was dizzy.

12 I was impressed that the monitor of primary school was extremely serious, once. ! ! ..... the whole class was silent

When we were in p>13 University, we asked a buddy how Manchester United was doing. He said excitedly, "Manchester United lost, and Beckham got two yellow plates!"

14 Don't engage in porcelain work without a golden hoop

15 When I was in college, a teacher gave a lecture and talked about a new type of material, saying, "The sexual function of this material is incomparable with that of the old material ... Oh, no, the performance and function ..."

16 When I just went to college for military training, the company commander didn't know where the accent was and shouted the password-"Drill to the left!" "Drill to the right!"

In p>17, when I was in college, I heard a girl order: Master, stir-fry a plate of shredded hot and sour potatoes, not potatoes!

18 In the second year of high school, our Chinese teacher was an old teacher who had just transferred from Nanchang to Beijing. His accent was very strong. His son was attached to the Department of Architecture of Tsinghua, which was also the purpose of his coming to Beijing. He was very proud of his son and always told us about his son. Every time, he said, "My moth (son) is from the Department of Toad (Architecture) of Tsinghua University."

a colleague asked me yesterday. How to write festivals? I replied: add a festival section under the grass prefix to remove the grass prefix! All the staff burst into laughter! I haven't reacted yet ~ ~ ~ ~ ~!

when I was looking for a job, the examiner asked me when I graduated.

I was going to say 2111, but when I got excited, I said, "Two thousand years ago. . 。”

to make matters worse, the examiner gave a sigh and said, "Confucius' student."

22 Just over 11 minutes after class, my deskmate raised her hand and said, Teacher, I want to go to the toilet.

The English teacher said unhappily: Why do you still go to the toilet when you are old?

22 I have a classmate who has been reviewing for Computer Band 3. One day, while playing football, another classmate took the ball to the bottom line, only to hear him shout: Enter! Get back in the car! (biography)

23 I remember once buying a fruit called Elizabeth. I opened my mouth and said, Boss, how much is Shakespeare? The boss stayed on the spot

24 The physics teacher said, "This is a thick spring. I will push it from both ends to see if it has become dense (constipation)."

25 I heard from my classmates that

once a girl in her dormitory went to buy sanitary napkins,

she said to her boss: a pack of sanitary napkins.

The boss actually asked: Do you want three fresh or spicy food?

Then the classmate paused and said, Sam Sun, I'm afraid I can't stand spicy food. . .

26, a senior sister in college, attended educational psychology. She was late ... and walked into the classroom. She glanced sideways at the blackboard. When the old professor was angry, she asked the senior sister to answer questions on the blackboard. She faltered for a long time and said, "< Sexiness and sex theory > This is too difficult to talk about. "The whole class went belly-up. (Note. Professor's original title: <; On rationality and sensibility >

51 brand-new slips of the tongue have now come to earth! -Laugh and slip of the tongue (ZT 2117)

27 A very good male classmate of mine fell to the ground. I asked, "Did your ass hurt?" As a result, I accidentally said, "Your ass fell dead." Sweat ~ ~ The brother stood up and patted his ass, farted and said, "He's still breathing!" I directly fainted

28, drank with the leaders and others, raised my glass and loudly said, "Let's die together!" At that time, my brain was too hot ......

29 Once, our newspaper photographer interviewed the jane doe star and talked about how he knew the star well at the meeting. The boss looked at a lot of photos on the table and made a joke: I see you have become his royal photographer. But the boss's southern Putonghua is unclear, and he pronounced "Yu" as "Japanese". Since then, this poor photographer has been called "daily photographer" by us. When he works overtime, of course, he becomes a "night photographer".

31 boss, do you have a toilet paper card to fill your hunger?

31 Our colleague is away on business, so the dealer invites us to dinner. If you want to urinate during dinner, the dealer said there is a bathroom opposite. If you go, you can tell the door that we are eating opposite, so it will be free. In order to save twenty cents, our colleague went straight ahead and confidently said to the toilet manager, "I'm here for dinner!" "

32 I'm from the Logistics Department. After the New Year, the customer called to inquire when the goods before the holiday would arrive. Because the holidays were so confusing these days, I couldn't figure out the contents of the order, so I asked: What are you?

33 A friend of mine has just seen The Legend of the Condor Heroes, and he is very interested in "beating the dog with a stick" and often plays jokes on others.

one day, he did as usual. Kicked someone and shouted, "Kick the dog's leg!" big