1 One day, Confucius came to Laozi and said, "I have something to discuss with your old gentleman: I am from Shandong and you are from Shanxi. But unexpectedly, a Korean envoy came yesterday and insisted that I send you a letter saying that we are Koreans and want to give us Korean citizenship. Do you think we should? "

I was very surprised, too, and asked, "What's the reason why they think we are Koreans?"

Confucius said, "His reason is that our nicknames are very close to those of Koreans: your name is Lao Zi, my name is Confucius, and they are called Bangzi."

2 Taiwanese businessmen doing business in the mainland,

because their families are in Taiwan Province,

they like to go to places of entertainment every night.

One day, he was unfortunately caught by the police.

The Taiwanese certificate was stamped with the word "whore".

He was very unhappy,

so he spent some money through relationships,

to get rid of this indecent noun.

After a week,

his friend told him that it was done.

He thought, what is impossible as long as there is money in the mainland?

After receiving the Taiwanese certificate, he excitedly opened it.

There were three big characters stamped inside:

Non-prostitute.

Later, he tried to get rid of these three words

non-prostitute

through more powerful people.

Because he thought these three words were still indecent,

Therefore, this account must be resolved.

Because he will go back to Taiwan Province next month ...

Friends have repeatedly assured him that

there will be no problem,

but courtesy is absolutely indispensable.

After another week,

a friend came to him and said, "This time it's really done!"!

He quickly took the Taiwanese certificate and read it.

It read:

African fire bug

3. Party A, Party B and Party C went out together, and Party A caught a cold ...

At night, everyone slept in the same bed, and Party A slept in the middle.

In the middle of the night ... A gave a big sniffle, and

B and C were covered with the crystallization of A..

Party B and Party C: Let us know next time ...

After half an hour,

Party A: Pay attention ...

Party B and Party C got into the quilt at once,

and made sure there was no communication with the outside world ...

As a result, Party A farted.

4. I once

visited my senior high school teacher's house with several classmates.

It was an old man. Before he left,

We left some fruits for the teacher.

But the teacher grabbed the monitor's laptop bag tightly and said,

"Look, let's see what else I brought ...

Just leave it at the door."

When it was almost time,

my friend pointed to an ugly girl not far away and said to the driver,

"Did you see that woman?"

"see, where do you stop?"

"no, kill her! ! ！”

6 A classmate went to Zhongguancun for a stroll one day.

A vendor leaned in and asked,

"Do you want a hard disk? Cheap "

The classmate took it and said," How hard is it? "

7 A classmate, his computer will automatically turn on every morning

(presumably because the dormitory was suddenly opened when it called in the morning).

As a result, his old man took a symbol and posted it on the computer. .

Eight nights later, one person fell asleep in the dormitory for four.

There were three people discussing how to make a confession after chasing a girl for the first time.

The discussion was lively.

The sleeping one woke up:

Don't say anything, let's go to bed ...

9 just started school, and

a new English teacher came,

The teacher said:

Please in English! (Please answer in English)

My classmate scratched his head and

held back for a long time and answered:

Guide ~ ~ (pronounce the second sound)

11 A conversation between a student admitted to a university in Beijing and his alumni:

Are you from Yunnan?

"YES"

"Wow ... it's so far ..."

..........

"Has Yunnan been liberated?"

"No, we all carry guns in class"

"You used to speak Chinese ~!"

"I just learned it on the train when I came."

"Do you live in caves?"

"No, we live in a tree"

"Is Yunnan in Kunming?"

"Well, Yunnan is the capital of Kunming."

"Where are your many pigtails?"

"I had to cut it for college!"

"Do you still eat raw meat?"

"Our boss invented a fire with wood, and we have a barbecue."

"Are you from Yunnan?"

"Yes."

"That's great. Next time I travel to Lhasa, I'll stay at your house."

"hellip; hellip; No problem, but my home is a little far from Lhasa. "

"Then how do you come to school?"

"Ride a donkey to Beijing and fly."

"that must be a long time, right?

"I'm used to it, just leave six months in advance! "

"hellip; hellip; hellip; hellip; hellip; hellip; !

why not ride a horse?

"In Yunnan, people who ride horses are all poor people. As we have tested,

people ride camels and donkeys.

Then there was no college entrance examination in Yunnan, and the exams were all archery competitions.

Put a sign one kilometer away,

Write "Tsinghua" and put a "Peking University" next to it, and then a person will have three chances.

I shot Tsinghua for the first time and Peking University for the second time, and both failed. Finally, for insurance,

I shot the nearest sign, which is this school.

Once we had a drink together before a holiday,

Then we got drunk.

When we went up to the stairs on the third floor and saw water in the corridor,

We suddenly got rid of the two brothers who helped him.

We said,

"I'm going to swim to our dormitory"

Then we made a forward jump, and

we jumped into the corridor to do the breaststroke. ! !

After swimming for four or five meters, I was finally pulled up.

12 After the lights were turned off,

the boys' dormitory collectively shouted "Call! Call! " ,

As a result, a real call was made after 5 minutes;

Then,

the boys' dormitory collectively shouted

"Lights out later! Turn off the lights later! "

then the lights are really turned off at 11: 51;

Finally,

The boys' dormitory collectively called "Woman! Woman! ..... "

13 The Daily Telegraph reported on the 4th that

a South Welsh man saw a" bright and still "UFO, so he called" 999 "to report his discovery to the police urgently.

The British police released this call record on the 4th.

The content is as follows:

Policeman: "This is the South Wales police. What's your emergency?"

min: "actually, it's not so urgent. I just need to tell you that

there is a bright and still object at the other end of the mountain. "

p: "ok."

min: "if you have a few minutes, maybe you can come and see what it is?

it stayed there for at least half an hour, and it is still there now. "

P: "It stays there for half an hour. Ok. Is it on the mountain or in the sky? "

min: "it's in the sky."

p: "I'll send someone there to find out."

min: "OK."

the call record includes the content of the call between the police officers and the headquarters after they rushed to the scene.

Headquarters: "(code name) Alpha-Zulu 21,

that object in the sky, has anyone checked it?"

Police officer present:

"Yes.

it's the moon.

over. "

14 everyone is talking about what they saw on the train.

A brother said that he once took a soft berth by train.

After a while, the conductor came over and told him to change cars.

He asked the conductor what was going on.

The conductor told him that the car would be boarded by government officials.

This car was chartered.

everyone was outraged and cursed the government for corruption.

One brother made a surprising remark:

"These bastards

don't even let go of the train,

not only keep mistresses,

but also fucking train!"

15 A man walked into a sex shop,

and said in a super shy and trembling voice,

Please … Please … Ask … You

… Have … Have … No … Have …

Sell … Press … Moe …?

shop assistant: yes!

Man: So ... So ... all kinds of ...

Black ... Black ...

Cocoa ... spins around ...

?

Shop assistant: Yes, why?

Man: That ...

that ...

please ...

Do you ...

How ...

Turn off the handle ...

Turn it off ...?

16 A class in senior high school talks about arrangement and combination, and does problems in groups.

The teacher called Lei: "How many people are there in your group?"

lei: "twelve."

Teacher: "OK, then do the math.

Twelve people line up.

You can't stand in the front row and the back row.

How many ways are there?"

Lei buried his head in calculation:

"Ah, there are twelve people,

I can't be in the front row … yes … I can't be in the back row …"

After a while,

I finally got confused and made a mistake.

when the teacher was angry, Lei was punished for standing.

He called Qibo again: "How many people are there in your group?" .

Bo Wei,

After a long time,

Answer: "Three ..."

17 The police caught a man stealing lobster by the sea, and

he was going to be fined and punished according to law ...

Man: "What did you say? What law did I commit? These two lobsters are my pets. I took them out for a walk!

policeman: lazy to listen to your nonsense!

man: "really, my Lord! They love swimming in the sea. As long as I whistle, they will swim back!

Policeman: "I want to see this ~"

So the man threw two lobsters in his hand into the waves ...

Policeman: "Ok, I'll see how you can call your pet lobster back.

man: "huh? Lobster? What lobster?

18 A man had to catch a boat, so he drove to the dock as fast as he could.

when he drove to the dock, he saw that the ship had left the shore.

as soon as he locked the car door, he immediately jumped on the boat at the speed of running 111 meters. The whole action was done in one go without any pause.

his behavior frightened the whole ship. The captain said strangely, sir ... the ship hasn't landed yet ....