In the childhood when people form self-awareness (3- 13 years old), they don't have enough self-identification ability. At this time, his understanding of himself is based on the attitude and evaluation of others (especially parents). At that time, the words and emotional attitudes of caregivers were information resources for children to confirm their "good or bad". For example, if a person is defined and internalized as a "stupid self" when he was a child, his future behavior pattern is likely to be: very cautious in dealing with people, or an evasive procrastination pattern. or vice versa, Dallas to the auditorium
My guest, Jia Jia, is a successful woman and now owns more than ten chain restaurants. In the past two years, while continuing to work hard, she also tried to give up her efforts: she wanted to completely turn off the catering and switch to something else, but she didn't know what to do; She became helplessly procrastinating, tangled and at a loss. She said: I may be successful and beautiful in the eyes of others, but I don't think so at all, and I don't know why, anyway. In family of origin, she is the most criticized and neglected elder among the five sisters. To this end, she always looks for opportunities to show off in order to win everyone's favor. On the first day of junior high school, she got up the courage and said to her parents, "I want to enter a military school and become an officer in the future." Her father snorted, and her mother poked her. "Stop dreaming, you are not the material." She also said, "You can be an officer. I bet the sun will rise in the west." These words are like an ice bucket, which makes her feel cold and humiliated. Then she became more forbearing and introverted.
The bizarre evaluation response, like a magical seed, is fixed in Jia Jia's heart. On the one hand, it exudes fear and hatred, always fearing and resenting its own incompetence and parents' dislike; On the other hand, it constantly breeds a strong desire to promise something.
Since then, that evaluation has become an indelible contempt in her heart, and it has also become the starting point for her to transcend inferiority. In the end, she achieved something. According to everyone's standards of success or wealth, she is the most promising of the sisters, but also the least happy. Over the years, she has experienced "helpless efforts" to do things, and she has no motivation and fun to do things ... but I don't know whether this is success or failure, whether it is promising or worthless.
It's hard to say, but one thing is certain: driven by the spiritual power of the old metaphor "The sun rises in the west", she has been practicing the proof that "I can do it". I call this spiritual motivation "identity complex".
Why does Jiajia have no sense of superiority under the aura of success, and some are still depressed and sad? This is clearly a state of "lovelorn". Only by losing important objects can people turn a blind eye to what they have. She doesn't feel successful, or maybe it's not what she wants, which means that her inner desire has never come true. In-depth analysis, why did she want to be a "female official" in her early days? Because an officer is a position that people admire and look up to, and a symbol of power and absolute commitment. Only by imagining that he is like that can young Jia surpass his sisters and be recognized with absolute advantage; At that time, she told her parents her fantasy because she thought her parents would be happy after hearing it and would praise her for her ideals. Unexpectedly, I was very depressed. If we analyze her parents deeply, why do they deny her like that? Maybe it's because they prefer boys to girls and their psychological frustration as the fifth girl. They unconsciously passed on this resentment to their children.
This response, like a thug's dagger, mercilessly stabbed a weak heart. For anyone, it is a deep wound to receive such a humiliating evaluation at an early age when value affirmation is needed.
We can further understand the compulsive repetition of "success or failure": her enterprising spirit, her success as an "official" is not her inner truth, but her "recognized complex", and she is eager to be accepted by her parents that "you are a good daughter whether you are successful or not".
People are born stubborn and don't admit defeat-you say I can't, and I'll prove it to you. For Jia Jia, even if she has a promise, it doesn't mean anything, because she can't betray her parents' views on the unconscious emotional level, and because no "line" can replace the meaning of "the sun rises in the west". Therefore, behind the "effort" that she wants to give up but can't give up, the motive is only to constantly soothe deep wounds.
In obsessive-compulsive disorder, you can find that parents never give up their childhood fantasies and never stop pursuing their "self-ideal" in order to become him/her in their wishes. That indomitable spirit is the endless motivation to "prove that we can do it". It's just that they don't and won't realize that stubbornness is actually an invisible violence that sacrifices his true self.
It should be said that both obsessive-compulsive disorder and depression are caused by the lofty fantasy of "promising", which perfectly covers up its strangulation of human happiness.
The above facts let us see what violence evaluation is and its cost.
If the obsessive-compulsive disorder with ambition is due to the "violence of evaluation", but if the client can rebuild himself and the caregiver can wake up and reflect on himself, then the cost of those losses is valuable.
Psychologists at Harvard College of Education once said: "Times have changed, and the definition of talents should be expanded. The greatest help of education to children is to guide them into suitable fields and make them succeed because of their potential. Today, however, we completely ignore this goal and implement indiscriminate education, as if to educate everyone into a university professor, and the evaluation of everyone is based on this narrow standard. What we should do is to reduce identification and spend more energy to explore everyone's talent and cultivate it. There are countless definitions of success, and the road to success is ever changing. "
China's education has always stubbornly adhered to the "fraction theory". In order to keep up with the overall situation, every household tries their best to help their children get on the speedboat of "learning to succeed". If the child is on the speedboat, his grades are accidentally dropped, he fails the exam and his comments are not good. Next: serious conversation and self-examination ... China teenagers have gained a sense of self-worth in the binary evaluation of adults' "wisdom or stupidity, success or failure".
Countless excellent obsessive-compulsive disorder should alert our caregivers to reflect: In the process of raising children, have you done your basic duties-no preaching, less evaluation, more intimacy and trust ...?
Intimacy and trust are the core of education. This means that even if the child is timid, plays truant and pretends to be ill, parents will smile at him and give him a kiss or hug. What are the specific practices of "intimacy and trust"? For example, in the American movie Little Miss Sunshine, 7-year-old Olive was completely defeated after many twists and turns in the draft, but was accepted by her father, who was very successful! The father's support for the child's desire to "win" and the acceptance of the child's "lose" have relaxed all the relatives who care about Oliver, and even made every relative begin to change his conflict or hostile relationship with the outside world. Success is always an insurmountable wall, and failure is often accompanied by a sense of acceptance.
No matter whether parents treat their children or adults treat themselves, any disrespect or rejection of the soft part of human nature will hurt people's spirit. It is a crime for a person to steal others' property or invade others' privacy, but isn't it a crime if a person unconsciously deprives others of their will and infringes on the healthy development of others' (or self-injury) personality? On the issue of education, ignorance is not without fault, and people's unconsciousness is greater than ignorance.
As far as personality growth is concerned, it is necessary for us to reiterate the importance of developmental psychology. Whether you can live a healthy life and grow into a valuable social person after birth depends on the actions of your caregivers. We also need to warn our caregivers that if you are used to the violent evaluation model, you are actually infringing on the child's mind. If you really love children, please peel off the perfect mask of "being nice to you" and honestly implement the parenting mode of "intimacy and trust".