You may think that "speaking annoyance" is someone else's business, not yours. But when you think about it, most people actually value popularity, and naturally pay attention to their expressions from time to time in daily life, so as not to make irresponsible remarks and offend others. But why can't so many people do this? Why do you ask them why they don't talk well? They always say, I didn't say anything, so why did I offend others?
In fact, there are two kinds of offending people: explicit and implicit. You don't have to confront each other, and you don't have to swear to offend people. Many times, even if there is no malice in our hearts, problems in expression and thinking will still make people feel uncomfortable.
What's more troublesome is that in the latter case, the other party knows that you didn't mean it, so it's not good to tell you the uncomfortable things buried in the words, which makes his heart bumpy and even more uncomfortable, so he has to stay away from you.
From a psychological point of view, there are three hints that make people feel most uncomfortable:
Hint 1: I want to show concern, but it sounds like pointing fingers at others.
We often hear such a sentence in our life: "Why are you like this?" "Why is your room so messy? It's called bossing. Maybe you just want to care about others, but everyone is an independent individual. You suddenly jumped out and said such a sentence, as if it were a judge who tried others, which made people very uncomfortable.
Maybe you will say that this is criticizing people. Of course I know to avoid it. But you know what? Even if you want to show concern and even compliment others, if you speak in this way, it will make people unhappy. For example, your colleague won a bonus from the company for his excellent work, and you praised "Great! Congratulations "This is no problem; But if you go over, pat him on the shoulder seriously and say approvingly in an evaluation tone, "Well done. I even want to make some comments and suggestions on his work. Don't you think it's strange?
In the final analysis, when you evaluate others, whether the evaluation is positive or negative, the subtext passed to others is "my position is higher than yours." Doing so when communicating with others on an equal footing will definitely offend others.
Tip 2: If you want to express comfort, it sounds cold to others.
If you don't care, you don't respect; If you don't respect, you will certainly offend people. The biggest mistake here is that some seemingly comforting words we blurt out often have the opposite effect, making the other party feel that we are indifferent to him. For example, when people encounter difficulties, we often say, "Life is like this. Sometimes we just make mistakes when doing things." "It's okay, I've been there before. It's all trivial matters. 」
Sentences like this "reducing the importance of things" will be considered as comforting others, but in the ears of the parties, it is often more like standing and talking. Because the so-called "relaxation" can only be said by him, and you can't help him make a decision. In this way, people will feel uncomfortable without your knowing it at all.
For another example, a team has just been formed, and the new members are inexperienced and often make some low-level mistakes. At this point, some inexperienced team bosses usually say "this is normal, everyone did it at first" to show goodwill. 」
This sentence is true, but the temperature is a little low, because your tone, while trying to weaken the seriousness of the problem, also denies the uniqueness of the new employee and the importance of the previous work, similar to "you deserve to be so stupid, I don't care about you." This statement will make team members feel that you look at them like a nest of ants, each looks the same, works hard, and is easy to feel indifferent.
Hint 3: I want to be polite, but others sound obscure.
Think back, how do you feel when someone talks to you with a hidden agenda? I'm sure I'll feel uncomfortable Because, at this time, we don't know what the other party wants us to do, but we always feel that we are being used by others. Of course there will be unpleasant feelings. For example, some people leave messages on WeChat and like to say two particularly annoying words-"Are you there?" ; Some people ask for help and like to say a particularly annoying sentence-"When are you free?" I believe that most people will feel numb when they see such news and hear such questions, and really don't want to care.
Of course, we also understand that people who can talk like this should also be afraid of disturbing each other, so let's make it clear whether it is convenient to talk. But you should know that once the other party clearly indicates that you are free, it means that it is difficult to refuse your request, which is actually a bit of kidnapping. Therefore, you obviously want to ask for help euphemistically, but in the end it has become someone else's ulterior motives. In the long run, your popularity will definitely be bad.
| Tips | Pay attention to "people" First of all, when you want to judge others, you don't have to use that judging expression. Try to start with your own feelings.
For example, "How could you do this?" It's an uncomfortable judgment, so when I say it, if I were to describe my feelings, "I can't do it like this." Sounds much better.
The reason is that the former is a condescending judgment on others and a kind of "crossing the border" in interpersonal communication; The latter just expresses their feelings. We have no right to judge others, but of course we have the right to express ourselves. Therefore, in the case of the same meaning, we skillfully turn other people's evaluations into statements of our own state, which not only explains the problem, but also does not offend people. Similarly, in the example of congratulating colleagues just mentioned, you can say something about yourself instead of commenting on others: "Great! If only I were as talented as you! You see, this not only expresses congratulations, but also avoids evaluation. By the way, now that I understand this truth, why should I search for words that are both "high-end" (high-end, high-end, high-end) and appropriate to praise each other's strengths, and I am afraid that others will think that you don't know how to pretend to understand, or are pointing fingers at him and making irresponsible remarks?
In addition, in love, many girls who know how to be spoiled never judge each other that "it is enough to treat their boyfriends like you", but directly start from "me" and say "it really hurts me". The same thing, the former is unpleasant, but the latter is pitiful.
Secondly, how to avoid giving the impression of indifference? It is when you are comforting, it is best to emphasize people and replace "don't be sad, it's not important at all" with "you are poor, but I know all your efforts"
For example, don't say, "Never mind, I've been there before. It's all trivial! Let's say, "well, I know you spent a lot of time and energy, and it's really a pity that it turned out like this." 」
For another example, the team leader can say, "Everyone has worked hard, and I think you have worked hard.". This stage is prone to problems. When I first came to the company, my performance was not as good as yours. 」
If it is also a scene, this expression sounds warm, because it focuses on "you" and highlights individual differences (I was not as indifferent as you when I first came to the company). Although this is only a small step in speaking skills, it is a big step for us to have a good popularity.
Finally, when we want to ask others to do something, the most important thing is to make the request clear at the first time, which is often overlooked in our thinking. People can't help each other, but we should speak out generously, so as to determine whether this favor should be given or not, instead of being secretly used as a fool.
When you ask someone "when are you free", have you ever thought that if someone helps you, it's just because he is free? He can do many things when he is free; On the other hand, even if he is not free, it doesn't mean he doesn't want to be free for you.
Therefore, when asking for help, you must think about what you want to do, where you need help, what the ins and outs of the matter are, what concerns you have, and whether there are practical benefits, so you can make it clear in advance. This is the obligation to ask for help. To say the least, if you charge exorbitant prices first, people will be able to sit on the ground and pay back the money. If you don't say a word, say "are you there" first. If you don't make things clear, the other person won't communicate with you, and he will feel vaguely that you almost trapped him.
| Precautions for use |
After reading this article, some people may find it too much trouble. Why are you so worried just to say something? What's more, as long as I didn't mean it, even if the other person is unhappy after listening to some words, it can only blame him blx.
However, communication is a meticulous process bit by bit. Those who make us feel comfortable when speaking are not because they are particularly eloquent and say something that makes us happy, but because they can predict every possible corner and have packaged or modified it in advance.
Therefore, "good eloquence" actually comes from "good intentions." As for those who are too lazy to pay attention to it, they are cut all over by glass when they hit someone else's blx. I really can't blame them!
Common sentence patterns
Do you want me to do this?
When you want to express your opinion of others, don't judge others' behavior, just describe the influence on yourself. Such a sentence is not easy to feel offended, because you are just expressing your feelings.
I think you did a good job, but this thing?
Before denying the seriousness of the matter, express your attention and affirmation to the object you want to comfort and care about separately, so that it is not easy for people to feel that you are concerned in name but indifferent in fact.
Hello, I have something to ask you for help. What happened? Excuse me!
It is the best way to save others' time to say what you want to ask directly and leave the right of judgment to the other party. If you want to express politeness, you just need to add appropriate polite expressions at the end.
We can get more benefits by dealing with this matter occasionally.