After serving the company for many years and performing well in his work, Qiqi was invited by his boss to spend the Spring Festival in his hometown in Fujian, enjoying the whole journey. Qiqi plans to take his family to Xiamen as the first stop. For this trip, Qiqi, who has never been to Fujian, is looking for information from the Internet to make strategies and arrange trips. Because I did a lot of homework in advance, my trip to Xiamen went smoothly.

Information is obtained from the Internet. Therefore, some information is somewhat different from the reality, so the trip did not go as planned 100%. This is a normal thing, but I have some "anger" in my heart-this anger is directed at myself, and I feel that I am not as perfect as I originally imagined.

In the past two years, I feel more and more that this has affected my daily life and work. For a while, I was particularly anxious. "I am passionate about life and work, and I am seriously involved in everything; My family and career are very successful, which makes others envy me, but I often sulk, blame myself and feel uneasy ... Why? "

There are so many reasons why you are angry with yourself that you can't be calm inside. Sometimes you just owe yourself an apology.

In work and daily life, when we talk about "apology", we usually think of "apology" between ourselves and others, but it is even harder to think that there may be "apology" between ourselves and ourselves. There is essentially no difference between "apologizing" to yourself and others and "apologizing" to yourself: both are for removing obstacles, the former is for removing obstacles between you and the other party, and the latter is for removing emotional obstacles caused by the distance between the ideal you and the real you.

For various reasons, when we fail to realize our ideal self, it is easy for us to feel the same feeling when we are offended by others: we will get angry. It's just that this anger is directed at yourself.

Under what circumstances do we usually get angry with ourselves?

● Moral failure

When we can't meet the established moral standards, we are prone to emotional anxiety. For example, young people promise not to have sex before marriage, but accidentally get their girlfriends pregnant; Fathers who teach their children honesty and physical strength make false accounts in order to reduce taxes; A husband who promised to love his wife for life had sex with his colleagues after drinking. ......

● Behavior failure

Some behaviors don't involve morality or things are relatively small. We imagined that we could do well, but when we acted, we didn't achieve as well as we imagined, and we didn't behave "mature and steady". For example: confess to your beloved girl, forget all the lines prepared in advance, and stutter; The trip was not as perfect as originally planned; Speaking performance is not as comfortable as preparing for practice. ......

● The result failed.

For example, work failure, entrepreneurship failure, confession failure and weight loss failure under the epidemic situation. ......

When we violate our internal moral standards, when our behavior is not as perfect as expected, and when the result is not as successful as expected, our hearts are easily anxious and guilty. The distance between the ideal self and the real self is getting farther and farther.

Apologizing to others helps to restore the relationship with others. After apologizing to ourselves, we can eliminate the emotional pressure caused by the distance between the imaginary goal and the reality, so as to gain inner peace.

Of course, this does not mean that some "failures" (especially "moral failures") do not need to bear responsibility or be condemned. On the contrary, we should apologize to ourselves, take responsibility and repent after trying to make up for our mistakes, so that we can better overcome our failures and move towards the future. Only in this way can you return to the road to achieving your established goals in life. You won't waste your time and energy on unnecessary anxiety and guilt. The more this situation accumulates, it may lead to an objective evaluation of yourself, even like the singularity at the beginning of the article: the family business is very successful, but you still don't feel inner peace and happiness. What's more, the contrast between the ideal self and the real self leads to the abyss of alcoholism and drug abuse, which is tantamount to a vicious circle, which is not what we like to see.

Here, I have to mention: cognitive dissonance theory:

We are used to keeping consistency between cognition and action, which is our nature. Cognition and action must be synchronized. If one party is misplaced, chaos will occur, and when chaos occurs, individuals will suffer psychologically. In order to eliminate this pain, he must either change his cognition or change his actions to make them consistent.

There are still many examples of cognitive dissonance in life: your thrifty grandmother ignored your uncle's advice and spent 20 thousand yuan on a set of health quilts from a salesman. So, your grandmother praised this health quilt for its good curative effect. Who said she was cheated, she was anxious with whom (strengthening behavior); You are on a diet, and your daily sugar intake is limited. You have afternoon tea with your girlfriend. Some people bring homemade Qifeng cakes, others bring coke chicken wings ... What do you think when you are invited to eat some delicious food, but you can't get away? -"It's okay to eat once in a while", "You can't gain meat after a meal, and it's not too late to reduce it after eating". Eat and drink to your heart's content. (change cognition)

Understanding cognitive dissonance theory and apologizing to ourselves when we are angry with ourselves will help us live more transparently and get more happiness and happiness.

Apologizing to yourself involves the following three steps:

Step 1: Admit your mistake: Admit to yourself that your actions are unwise and wrong.

Step 2: Ask for forgiveness: apologize to the offended person and hope to get their forgiveness. If the offended person is only himself, ask for his own forgiveness.

Step 3: Forgive yourself: Consciously apologize to yourself and forgive yourself.

When apologizing to yourself, you can refer to this template:

Back to the example at the beginning of the article: Qiqi's story:

Step 1: Admit our mistakes: We can't expect ourselves to be 100% perfect. It is the most normal thing that the plan deviates from the reality.

Step 2: Ask for forgiveness: I have been demanding perfection from myself and being so hard on myself. Please forgive me.

Step 3: Forgive yourself: apologize to yourself consciously and read what you wrote to yourself.

? Qiqi, I want to tell you that I did something wrong;

? Qiqi, we are all ordinary people, not immortals, and we can't demand perfection from ourselves. I mean, it's wrong.

Kiki, I want to tell you how sorry I am for this. I am too hard on myself.

? "Qi Qi", I am willing to give myself the freedom to live a happy life again.

? Qiqi, I want you to forgive me, give me strength and help me to live a good future life with all my strength. ?

Qiqi, I believe your apology is sincere, so I decided to forgive you.

summary

How to apologize to yourself, just three steps:

Step 1: Admit your mistake: Admit to yourself that your actions are unwise and wrong.

Step 2: Ask for forgiveness: apologize to the offended person and hope to get their forgiveness. If the offended person is only himself, ask for his own forgiveness.

Step 3: Forgive yourself: Consciously apologize to yourself and forgive yourself.