The award-winning work of Qi Zhi Bing in the CCTV Crosstalk Competition

B: Here we are! Let me introduce myself. I am a well-known doctor here. Why am I so famous? Because I am different from other doctors, I think of my patients most. The patient who came to see me walked in and crawled out. (Wait for the audience to finish laughing) Oh, wrong, crawling in and walking out. Let's start seeing a doctor. Call one in. (Look at the list). Number one, surnamed Bai, cataract. Number two, surnamed Wei, has stomach bleeding. Number three, surnamed Niu, cowhide moss. Come on, you three, advanced.

a: doctor, I ... I ...

b: what's your date?

a: I'm number four.

b: the next batch.

a: well ... why do you think I'm so unlucky? No matter what happens to me, it's the next batch. A while ago, a cadre was promoted in our unit, and it's the "next batch" when I come here. I will retire in the next batch. (Laughter) Let me introduce myself. My family name is Shan, which is a single word. I put the word "good" in hundreds of surnames. My name is Shan Guorui, and I'm not feeling well these two days. I may have caught a cold. I heard that this doctor is particularly responsible for patients. It's time to call my number next time, and I'm coming ...

B: I'm coming.

a: you can't come here unless you are ill.

b: next, one-mouth asthma.

a: (look in all directions) who is one-sided breathing?

b: which uneducated parents gave such an ugly name! ?

a: there's only one breath left. look.

b: you haven't promised ... you won't promise me to get off work!

a: hey, what about me, doctor?

b: oh, here's another one. what's your date?

a: No.4, you said I'd be the next batch ...

b: you're just breathing!

a: my name is shan guorui! Take a closer look!

b: oh, yes, shan guorui.

a: what look! Shan Guorui regarded it as one-sided breathing.

b: shan guorui! Is it uncomfortable there?

a: I just have a cough and asthma.

b: not yet, one-mouth asthma.

a: doctor, I heard that the conditions here are particularly good. (looking left and right) why is there nothing?

b: single-mouth asthma. (A: Shan Guorui. ) Oh, yes, Shan Guorui. What do you think is wrong with you?

a: I guess, I'm ... I don't need to estimate. I guess I have a cold.

b: you are very clever! You say a cold is a cold, so what else do I have to do? You are talking to a famous doctor now, and anyone who comes to my famous doctor will have to check again.

a: check it, doctor.

b: don't move, open your mouth. (A) A little higher. (A pitch rises) (Repeat twice) A little higher.

a: doctor, you are not a hospital, but a conservatory of music!

b: what nonsense!

a: I can sing at such a high voice!

b: who told you to sing up? I told you to raise your chin. I can't see.

a: be more specific.

b: come on, ah.

a: ah ~ ~

b: no wonder you are so ugly! There's a little drop on this. This ceiling is a little moldy.

a: doctor, it's true that you are not a conservatory of music here, but you are engaged in decoration.

b: you said it twice!

a: then why do you think there is a ceiling above me?

b: all the doctors here are called ceilings. A: Maxillary, doctor. ) Oh, yes, the upper jaw. When I'm a doctor, I don't know it's called the palate. A: But I heard it was the ceiling. ) I'm afraid you can't understand me when I say maxillary. I know what your education level is!

a: no matter how low my education is, I wouldn't have dropped me here.

b: come on, come on, stick out your tongue. There is moss on it! Does it usually leak rain?

a: it's leaking. it usually rains heavily outside, so it rains lightly here. I just thought, is my head a leaky spoon?

b: (touching nail's head) it should be closed!

a: (throwing it away) it was already closed, and the air leak died long ago.

b: show everyone how green it is here.

a: this tongue coating. B: Oh, yes, tongue coating. How can I hear that he is the whole house!

b: I mean long tongue coating.

a: tongue coating is called moss? (B: Right, right, tongue coating. ) Remember to call it tongue coating.

b: tongue coating, tongue coating, whatever you say, ok! Tongue coating! This person is annoying, should I see a doctor or should you see a doctor? I have one sentence and he has a hundred! This man is not in good health, but you have a good eloquence. You are a pyramid scheme. Are you? Stop seeing a doctor! Pay the money!

a: ah. (coming back after a walk) Doctor, what's wrong with me?

b: I'll tell you as soon as you pay the money.

a: ah. (coming back after a walk) Doctor, how much do I have to pay?

b: oh, don't pay too much! A: Thank you, doctor. (Turn around and leave) Pay 1 first!

a: (almost fell down) I didn't know what's wrong with me until 1 yuan!

b: what's wrong with a thousand? what's wrong with a thousand? a thousand is definitely not enough.

a: a thousand dollars is not enough? !

b: in this way, I think it may be an infection. How old are you? A: Forty-one. ) What is it? (A: It's a cow. ) it looks like it at first glance! His face is blue, his eyes are blank and his pupils are dilated. (Pinch a nose) Give a shout, (A: moo-) Push hard! (A: Moo-) How about eating grass recently?

a: it's not good to eat grass recently. I only eat half a bundle of grass a day.

b: I suspect you have mad cow disease.

a: I suspect you are a veterinarian. (B: Who's the vet? ) You vet! I didn't eat mad beef at all. How can I get mad cow disease?

b: ok, ok, ok. I've said it again and again. I'm a doctor who thinks of patients the most. You don't want to check, you don't have to check. But don't blame me for your madness in the future!

a: you are mad if you are mad.

b: stand still and check again. A: Check again. ) come on, many patients just don't cooperate with the doctor. (Rubbing nail's shoulder) Does it hurt here? A: No, doctor. Think carefully before you answer, this is to see a doctor, not to buy food! Does it hurt here? A: It doesn't hurt. ) No way? It should hurt here! (Squeezing the nail temple) Does it hurt here? A: Yes, doctor. ) It shouldn't hurt here! This question is very complicated! Bend down. (Pinching the nail on the back) Does it hurt here?

a: doctor, do you think it should hurt or not? (B: What! ) I said it hurts, you said it shouldn't hurt, I said it doesn't hurt, you said it should.

b: tell me the truth. does it hurt?

a: it didn't hurt at first, but you pinched me.

b: pay the money!

a: ah. (coming back after a walk) Doctor, when can I pay again?

b: you haven't paid a penny since you saw a doctor!

a: I have a saying about paying money.

b: of course there is a saying. Don't get me wrong. I am a famous doctor and I am responsible for you. You are not as responsible as I am when you go to other doctors. This is called exclusion method, which eliminates all the diseases you may get, not only leaving a cold!

a: I have a cold left, but I haven't ruled out my money!

b: all this man thinks about is money. Hey, what is the most important thing in your life? A: What's the most important thing? ) A thousand dollars can't buy the word "health".

a: the body.

b: who is most responsible for your health in this world? A: Who is responsible for me? ) doctors are the most responsible.

a: doctor.

b: what are you doing earning so much money all your life?

a: why do you earn so much money?

b: it's just seeing a doctor!

a: just look ... I've earned it for him all my life! Did you see that?

b: what do you mean by earning for me or for yourself?

a: doctor, I beg you, please keep an eye on it, and our family will sell iron to send you a plaque. Six feet high, six feet wide, square, four big letters hanging at your door, iron near-re-embodiment, ok?

b: hehe ... we have to wait, who will be reincarnated?

a: Tietuo was reincarnated, a wonderful doctor. They say you read it well ...

B: No, I remember that Tietuo seems to be from Yugoslavia, right? It's Hua tuo!

a: you are much stronger than Hua tuo!

b: what do you mean?

a: just give me a cold medicine.

b: let's do the math. this person is rare. (takes out a piece of paper) He is really penniless. He doesn't take care of us businessmen! (Give A) Take medicine according to this list!

a: you gave me the prescription so quickly.

b: what else is this for? It's all photocopied.

a: (reading the paper, grinning, beating your chest)

b: this is obviously mad cow disease! Did you see that?

a: doctor, you are really a wonderful doctor! B: That's right. ) I have a cold. You prescribed me more than 5 kinds of medicine.

b: you should.

a: other doctors discuss films, so give me a discussion! I guess I can't eat it all alive. I'm going to mobilize my whole family to eat it, and my children and grandchildren will eat it until the 28 th century. I don't believe I can't eat it all!

b: ok! This is called Yu Gong taking medicine!

a: I can understand that, doctor. Why do you think I was given a pressure cooker in it? Do you think I should steam or sit in it?

b: why don't you have any social knowledge? Pressure cookers are for cooking!

a: cooking. we have a lot of cooking pots at home.

b: your cold is no ordinary cold. A: Then why do I catch a cold? ) You are an imported cold.

a: am I mad cow disease again?

b: what! You're sick from the mouth. You have a viral cold. I'm afraid you'll infect other people in your family, so you must use what you eat alone in the future. By the way, I'll give you a separate pair of chopsticks. (writing on paper)

A: (blocking) No, I'll just eat from the pot.

b: a little saving is a little.

a: how do you drive it, doctor? Eighteen baskets of penicillin. I don't think you can finish plugging me!

b: don't do it all at once, wait until it's ready.

a: a mobile phone?

b: in case you take the wrong medicine, call me right away. it's not too late.

a: but how did you end up driving me a motorcycle?

b: how can you get such a large pile of things back? Don't rely on motorcycles! You are not bad!

a: what's the matter?

b: those three people who came in front, I drove him a Santana by myself!

a: dizzy!

Free food (soldier Qi Zhi)

A: May I ask you a question?

b: ah, tell me.

a: what is the most important thing in your life?

b: that's eating.

a: what about after eating?

b: sleep

a: after sleep?

b: eat

a: eat, sleep and eat. it's a good variety!

B: Ah, alas, how can I talk? You

A: When it comes to eating, you can't compare with me

B: How can you eat?

a: I eat rice outside.

b: then let's shake hands.

a: what's the matter?

b: I eat for free outside.

a: peer

b: where do you think is the best place to eat free food?

a: do you have to ask? No amount of money is bigger than public funds

B: That's right, otherwise, "fools think alike"!

party a and party b ha ha ha

party a: eat public funds

party b: eat public funds

party b: the other day, I picked up a representative card at the gate of the hotel and let me eat it for three months.

a: well, why did it take so long?

B: No matter what meeting is held, I'm going inside with my representative card, and no one dares to stop me.

A: Wow

B: The security guard at the door stopped me the other day, and a waiter next to me said, Don't stop him, don't stop him, I know this man, and this is an old representative.

a, b, ha, ha, ha

a: then how can you eat without a representative certificate?

B: Then I'll wear a good suit and wait for a limousine to come and a boss-like person to come down, so I'll meet you. Alas, I'm looking forward to your coming (to hold a hand)

A: Hahahaha, where to eat?

b: he is much hungrier than me. look. You see, I followed the boss. The boss thought I was the reception unit, and the reception unit thought I was the boss. I walked into the banquet hall with the boss and waved frequently. The next day, the photo of my waving was also in the newspaper.

A, B, Ha, Ha, Ha

A: You are famous.

B: Yesterday at noon, I had a good meal. Boy, this bottle of wine is worth a cow. A table banquet can build a building. Wow, everyone is about to eat. I shouted, "No, run, wow, the TV station will expose it."

A: Ha, ha, good!

b: I heard a bang.

A: What's the matter?

B: It's all scared away.

A: Who's not afraid of exposure?

B: Ha ha ha, I'm left alone guarding fifteen or six tables. I tried to eat that dish. It was delicious. My breasts were two inches higher than my chin. I'll fold the rest, and make it into a box lunch.

a: yes, yes, but you don't eat as well as me!

b: what's a good way

a: I eat more stimulating than you

b: how?

a: I don't mean to brag. Now I'm tired of eating in the city. I'm eating in the countryside.

b: eating from the city to the countryside

a: it's called "returning to nature"

b: you can eat better than me

a: a few days ago, the county sent an inspection team down to inspect the well-off village, and the inspection team was always two people, so I got in.

B: Only two people got in.

A: You don't understand this, do you? B: Ah

A: Two people were sent down from above, and I was accompanied by 54 people below. B: A deck of playing cards

A: There were three mighty cars, two cars in front opened the way, and more than 5 of us crowded into the truck behind.

b: what song?

a: we are pests, we are pests!

push a

a: who pushed me out? "export when it's time to export, wow, rush to rub rice."-----"pa"

B: What's the matter?

a: the tire blew

b: look, it's overloaded.

A: More than 5 people came down and walked thirty or forty miles, and their hungry eyes turned green

B: A group of wolves entered the village < p