Can I give it to you directly?
I am very lucky to have found it so hard. Thank you for accepting!
1. The professor asked: What do rotten radishes and pregnant women have in common? One student’s clever answer: It’s all the bugs’ fault. Only scored 60 points. Another student actually got full marks, and his answer was: It was all because he took the exam late.
4. The white rabbit raped the gray wolf and ran away. The wolf chased after him angrily. The rabbit wiped his body with dirt and pretended to be the gray rabbit. He wore glasses and read the newspaper. The wolf asked: Can you see a white rabbit? Rabbit: Is it the white rabbit who raped the wolf? Wolf Shame: I, KAO, got the news so soon?
5. Question: Who is the most miserable person in the world? Answer: Artillery company cooking squad soldiers! Question: Why? Answer: Cuckold takes the blame and watches others have sex.
6. A reporter interviewed 100 penguins about what they do in a day. The first one said: eating, sleeping, playing beans, and the second one said: eating, sleeping, Beat beans. I kept asking 99 of them and the same thing happened, and when I asked the 100th one, they said: eat and sleep. Reporter asked: Why don’t you fight Doudou? Penguin said: I am fucking Doudou, your grandma’s.
7. A woman was walking at night when she suddenly saw a man walking towards her with open arms, making a hug, and stepped forward with a kick. The man fell to the ground and cried, saying : It’s already the third piece of glass. I’ve offended someone. Is it so difficult to bring a piece of glass home?
8. Turtle has a high alcohol capacity. One day he got drunk, and his friend asked: Why are you still drunk? Turtle replied: Alas, the grandson of Octopus insists on boxing with me. Damn, there are so many hands and I can’t even see them. I’m really a loser!
9. The two of them worked hard, the female boss screamed for bed crazily, and the neighbors knocked on the door to protest! The man said stop making any sound, and the woman said yes. Then the woman closed her eyes tightly, gritted her teeth, and trembled all over. The man hurriedly asked what was wrong? Female answer: Nothing goes wrong, I'm shocked!
10. A new recruit always got scolded after getting up late, so he bought dye and painted it on his body to look like a camouflage uniform. When the bugle sounded in the middle of the night, he rushed out of the barracks first and said to the commander: Very good! Dress neatly, but be careful next time, the grenade should hang at the back.
11. A female host on the TV station was infertile for several years after marriage. She was anxious and worried. She went to the doctor to complain and said: "I'm not good at it. I got pregnant three times when I was single." If my husband can’t do it, why can’t we, the leaders of the station, do it?
12. After watching the black men’s 100-meter race, an old lady wiped away her tears and said: It’s scary! The coal diggers knelt in a row and were shot. The children were so frightened that they ran away and couldn't even stop them with a rope.
13. A young woman persuaded her son to sleep with his grandfather. He refused. The young woman threatened, "If you don't go, I will go!" The grandpa said, "Teach children to be honest and to be true to your word! You can't lie to the elderly as well!" p>
14. Several little boys collected more than ten dollars and wanted to buy toys, but they were worried: What can they buy for ten dollars? One of them suggested: Go buy sanitary napkins. Answer, asked why? The boy said, I don’t know, but it was said on TV that with it, you can climb mountains, water ski, play ball, and skate, and be happy without worries.
< p>15. Two ladies were complaining about how crowded the buses were, which made them miserable. One said: "I'm so unlucky!" I was so squeezed in the car that I had a miscarriage. "One said: "I am the unlucky one! I was so crowded in the car that I became pregnant. ”16. One day, a monk met a nun and wrote a couplet: the first couplet: nothing to do during the day, the second couplet: nothing to do at night, the horizontal line: nothing to do in the leisure time! The nun responded to the first couplet: during the day Empty hole, second line: empty hole at night, horizontal comment: request (ball) will be answered.
1. The men's and women's toilets in the school are connected. A girl was embarrassed when she went to the toilet and forgot to bring toilet paper. At that moment, toilet paper came from the men's room next door, and the girl turned pale and asked loudly, "Who?" ". The boy next door replied in a low and powerful voice: "Lei Feng. ”
2.
The doctor asked the patient how he broke the fracture. The patient said, I felt there was sand in my shoes, so I shook my shoes by holding on to the telephone pole.
Damn, a bastard passed by there and thought I was electrocuted, so he picked up a wooden stick and gave me two sticks!
3.
In the biology class, the teacher asked: How can I distinguish correctly? Octopus hands and feet? Student answer: Let it smell the fart. The one who will cover the nose is the hand, and the others are the feet. The whole class fell down.
4.
One person kept farting loudly at work, and his colleagues couldn't help but say: Can you not make a sound? Then I saw him sitting there shaking. A colleague asked him what he was doing, and he replied: I have set it to vibrate now!
5.
Someone was riding a bicycle and heard a passerby shouting wildly. Roar: go, go, go...I thought, damn, I can also sing: Olai, Olai... Before I could finish my words, I fell into the ditch. A passerby cursed: Damn it! I told you Gou Gou Gou, but you still ride? !Deserved to fall to death!
6.
Carp and Turtle went to get their marriage certificate. The clerk asked the turtle his age, and the turtle said: 100. The clerk said regretfully: I'm sorry, but according to your family's rules, you are still underage and are not allowed to get married.
7.
A couple came to a wishing well. The husband bent down, made a wish and threw a coin into the well. The wife also wanted to make a wish, but when she bent over she accidentally fell into the well. The husband was shocked, and then said to himself with a smile: "It's so damn clever!"
8.
A couple was fishing by the river. The lady was always noisy, and after a while the fish took the bait, and the lady said: This fish is really pitiful. The husband said: Yes, as long as you shut up, won't it be fine?
9.
The natural science teacher asked: "Why does the body change after death?" Cold?" No one answered. The teacher asked again: "No one knows?" At this time, someone from the back of the classroom said: "That's because the mind is naturally cool when you are calm."
10.
The spider loves the ant deeply. When he expressed his love but was rejected, the spider yelled: "Why? Why is all this happening?" The ant timidly said: "My mother said, those who stay online all day long are not good people!"
11.
Xiao Guang is a diligent and studious student who uses part-time jobs during the winter vacation to earn tuition. During the day, he helped a butcher cut meat, and at night he worked as an intern at the hospital. One night, an old woman had an emergency and needed surgery. Xiaoguang pushed her into the operating room. The old woman shouted in panic: "Oh my God! You are the pig killer, where are you going to push me?
12.
A man felt like vomiting when he first got on the plane. , the stewardess took an empty bag, and when it was almost full, she went to get another bag, and asked "don't vomit". When she came back, she saw it was everywhere. When asked why, she replied: "I saw it was almost full, so I took another sip. Everyone vomited..."
A couple was divorcing and fighting for a child. The wife said confidently: "If the child comes out of my belly, of course it belongs to me! The husband said: "What a joke!" It's nonsense. Can the money withdrawn from the ATM be returned to the ATM? It doesn’t matter who inserts the card! "
3. When someone saw the sea for the first time, he sighed: "The sea! Mother! "As soon as he finished speaking, a wave came over and hit him right in the face. The man said angrily: "Damn it! And he is a stepmother!
4. The monkey picked a card, so he climbed on the branch to see what card it was. Unexpectedly, a lightning struck it, and the monkey
cryed: "It turns out it's an 'IP' card!!"
5. Director and Section Chief** *In the elevator, the director farted and said to the section chief: You farted! The section chief said: I didn't put it there. Soon the section chief was dismissed. The director said at the meeting: You can't take on any big things, so what use are you?
6. In a fashion store, I saw an impatient young man saying to a beautiful girl: "Do you mind
saying a few words to me?" The girl asked curiously: "Why?" "My wife has been in this store for more than an hour, but if she sees me talking to you, she will come out immediately..." Before he could finish speaking, his wife quickly walked out of the boutique and left with him on her arm.
7. A certain person peed in an empty Sprite bottle while driving in a hurry
While there was a traffic jam, he ran out of the car and tried to put the bottle into the trash can, but was stopped by a dedicated patrolman. What's leftover Sprite in the bottle?
Then take a sip and show it to me!
9. Think of your feelings: no salt in cooking; apples not too sweet; drinking without cigarettes; forgetting to bring money when shopping. I will miss you when I have time
When I don't have time, I will take the time to think about you. If I really can't take the time, I will do nothing and just miss you!
10. The son sleeps with his mother every night.
Mom said: When you grow up and marry a wife, will you sleep with mom?
My son answered: Yes!
Mom said: What about your wife?
My son said: Let her sleep with dad.
After hearing this, my father said excitedly: This child has been sensible since he was a child!
12. A police dog saw an ordinary dog ??coming on the road, and ran to question it fiercely: I am a police dog,
you
are What? Ordinary dogs would look at it with disdain and say: Idiot, look clearly, I am a plainclothes man!
13. Symptoms of a man having an affair: working overtime every day at the company, never doing housework, turning off his cell phone when he gets home, deleting text messages after replying
, snoring loudly when he goes to bed, and wearing his underwear frequently Wear it inside out. If the control test meets three criteria, it is considered suspected, and if four criteria are met, the diagnosis can be confirmed.
14. On the giant panda’s birthday, after blowing out the birthday candles, friends asked it what it wished for. The giant panda replied
: "I have two biggest wishes in my life. One is to cure my dark circles, and the other
is that I hope You can also take a color photo. ”
15, a couple in the park, the girl said coquettishly that she had a toothache, and the man said it didn’t hurt anymore when they kissed her. After a while, she said her neck hurt, and the man kissed her again, and the woman said again. The pain stopped. When an old lady next to me saw this, she said to the young man: This is amazing, can you cure hemorrhoids?
16. The male butterfly sang to the female butterfly: "You are my lover, a woman like a rose!" After singing, he flew to pick roses.
There was a scream, and the mother butterfly sang: "My dear, fly slowly, be careful of the roses with thorns in front of you!"
17. On the first day, the little butterfly White Rabbit went fishing by the river, but didn't catch anything and went home.
The next day, the little white rabbit went fishing by the river again, but still didn’t catch anything and went home.
On the third day, as soon as the little white rabbit arrived at the river, a big fish jumped out of the river and shouted at the little white rabbit:
If you dare to use a carrot again, If you use it as bait, I will crush you to death!
One day, on the 18th, a barber beat up a candied haws-lud seller. When he went to the police station, the police asked the barber: Why did you beat the candied haws-lud seller? The barber said: ***, I was perming my hair in the house, and he shouted "I'm perming it" outside.
19. Husband: What time is it now? Wife: Ten o’clock, Husband: Is it ready? Wife: It’s too early, no one else is sleeping! Did I ask ten o'clock sharp? Wife: It’s eleven o’clock.
At 20, a young couple was fighting and threw a pillow downstairs. A beggar happened to be passing by and was very happy. Then he flew off a quilt. The beggar was ecstatic and wiped his tears and shouted upstairs: Brother, please do a good job and throw that woman down too.
On the 21st, seven years after graduation, I finally took on a big project, building a 30-meter chimney. The construction period was two months and the cost was 300,000, but it required an advance payment. It was finally completed at the end of last year. Today I went to inspect it, but I was scolded to death and didn't get any money. Damn it! The drawings are wrong, they want to dig a well!
22. A drunk man accidentally fell from the third floor, attracting passers-by to watch. A policeman came over and asked: What happened? Drunk Man: I don’t know. I just arrived.
23. The doctor asked the patient how he broke the bone. The patient said, "I felt there was sand in my shoes, so I shook my shoes by holding on to the telephone pole." Damn, there was a bastard passing by. He thought I was electrocuted, so he picked up a wooden stick and gave me two sticks!
24. The patient said to the dentist: "You are really good at making money. It only takes 3 seconds." Earned 3 dollars."
The doctor replied: "If you want, I can pull it out for you in slow motion.
”
25. “Narcissism” means that I must be reincarnated as a woman in the next life, and then marry a man like me; “Despair” means ordering two dishes at a restaurant, and eating the first one: “In the world Is there anything tastier than this?!" Eat the second one. Damn! There really is!" "Speechless" means the judge asked: Why did you print counterfeit money? The criminal said: I can't print real money
< p>26. The Weaver Girl went down to the earth to take a bath and met the Cowherd, and performed a love story that shocked the world and made us cry. This incident tells us: there is no chance to take a bath at home, so you must take a bath outside...27. Xiao Ming returned to the classroom after using the toilet and said to the teacher: "There are a lot of ants in the toilet." The teacher suddenly thought of the English word ant for ants, so he tested Xiao Ming: "How do you say ants?" Xiao Ming looked confused... Said: "Ant... didn't say anything..."
28. Son: "Mom, I failed the math test today" Mother: "Why, what question." Son: "The teacher asked I 2*3=? I said =6." Mother: "That's right, what next." Son: "Then the teacher asked me 3*2=?" Mother: "Aren't these the same thing!" Son: :"That's what I said too...
29. A prisoner was executed by firing squad. The bullets were produced by "XX County" and were of poor quality. The first shot was not fired, and then the second shot was fired... .The third shot... At this time the prisoner cried: "Strangle me to death, it's too scary!"
30. The father told a story to his son: "The uncle asked Xiaoyang to chop me down." Chai, I didn’t expect that Xiaoyang chopped down the uncle’s favorite peach tree. The uncle was very angry when he saw it but didn’t scold him. Do you know why?” The son replied: “Maybe it’s because Xiaoyang still has an ax in his hand. .So I dare not scold him
31. A man can’t find a girlfriend, so he has no choice but to go to fortune telling. The fortune teller said: You are destined to have no woman in the first half of your life. But the man’s eyes lit up: Then I It should happen in the second half of your life, right? The fortune teller said: Hey, you will get used to living alone in the second half of your life
32. Friends went hiking together, and when they reached the top of the mountain, a girl faced the beautiful mountains and rivers and shouted: Motherland! My mother! A boy who had a crush on her quickly shouted: Motherland! My mother-in-law!
33. A boy nicknamed a classmate a fat pig, and the girl asked him The teacher cried and complained, and the teacher agreed to criticize the boy. The next day the teacher said to the class: "A certain boy is too rude and gives others nicknames at will. You can't just call others what they like, right?" ”
34. A little girl in kindergarten asked her teacher: Can my grandma get pregnant when she is eighty? Teacher: No. What about my sister who is eighteen? Teacher: Yes. What about me when I am eight? Teacher: No . The little boy next to him: Hey, I said it’s okay!
35. The African black girl was traveling in Shanghai and there was a fire in a hotel in the middle of the night. The African woman ran out quickly. He was surprised and said: My mother is burned and she can still run so fast!!
36. The wolf cub has been a vegetarian since he was a child. The wolf father and the wolf mother racked their brains to train it to hunt. The wolf and the mother watched with joy as their son chased a rabbit. The wolf cub caught the rabbit and said fiercely: Boy, hand over the carrot.
37. Before the wedding, the groom asked the officiant: The host. How much does a wedding cost? The officiant said: The more beautiful the wife, the more money she will get. The groom was embarrassed and gave one yuan. The officiant looked back at the bride and then asked for 5 cents...
38 The prisoner was executed. Due to the poor quality of the bullet, the first shot did not go off... Then the second shot was fired... The third shot... This time, the prisoner cried, hugging the bailiff's thigh and said: Brother, you Just strangle me, it’s so fucking scary.
39. Yesterday, I dreamed that God could grant me a wish. I took out the globe and said it would make the world peaceful. He said it was too difficult. I took it out! Your photo said to make this person beautiful. God thought for a moment and said, let’s talk about world peace!
40. I hope that one day my dream will come true because I am so ugly that I can’t get married. True. But the kidnapper didn’t sell it for half a month. She refused and said, “Let’s go, I don’t want the car.”
3. A beggar knocked on the car window and said: Give me some money.
The gentleman looked at it and said: Let me smoke a cigarette for you.
The beggar said: I don’t smoke, give me some money.
The husband said: I have beer in the car, let me give you a drink.
The beggar said: I don’t drink, please give me some money.
The husband said: Well, I will take you to the mahjong parlor, I will pay you, and you will bet, and the winnings will be yours.
The beggar said: I don’t gamble, give me some money.
The husband said: I will take you to the sauna room to enjoy the "one-stop service", and I will cover all the expenses.
The beggar said: I don’t go to whoring, please give me some money.
The husband said: Then you get in the car, I will take you back and let my wife see: a good man who does not smoke, do not drink, do not gamble
make money, and do not visit prostitutes What a mess!
The Seven Fairies were bathing in the lake, and Bajie was too anxious to see them.
Tang Monk shouted seriously to the lake: Donor, be careful of the crocodiles!
The seven fairies flew ashore naked.
Bajie lamented: The leader’s IQ cannot be surpassed
Tang Monk and four others took a plane to travel. The plane crashed on the way, but there were only three parachutes.
So, Tang Seng said, everyone should answer the questions, and those who can’t answer will jump down.
Tang Monk: Wukong, how many suns are there in the sky?
Wukong: One.
Tang Seng: I’ll give you one.
Tang Monk: Sha Monk, how many moons are there in the sky?
Sha Seng: One.
Tang Seng: I’ll give you one too.
Bajie on the side was happy, such a simple question.
Tang Monk: Bajie, how many stars are there in the sky?
． ． ． ．
Bajie jumped down.
Not long after, the four of them took a plane to travel again. It crashed again on the way and still only had three parachutes.
They continued to answer questions.
Tang Monk: Wukong, when was the People’s Republic of China established?
Wukong: 1949.
Tang Seng: I’ll give you one.
Tang Seng: Sha Seng, how many people died in the liberation war?
Sha Seng: 2.5 million people.
Tang Seng: I’ll give you one too.
Tang Monk: Bajie, what are the names of those 2.5 million people?
......Bajie jumped down by himself again.
The third time, the four of them took a plane to travel again, and there was another accident on the way.
At this time, Bajie said: Master, you don’t need to ask, I will dance by myself.
Then he jumped.
Tang Monk put his hands together: Amitabha, there are four parachutes this time
1. One night, a naked man hailed a taxi, and the female driver stared at him, naked. The man was furious and shouted: You have never seen a fucking naked man! The female driver was also furious: Let me see where you got the money from!
2. Male and female friends sleep in the same room, and the woman draws a line: those who cross the line are animals. When she woke up and found that the man had really failed to pass the line, the woman slapped the man hard: You are worse than a beast!
3. One day, Liu Hongtao met a foreign guest and approached him and said: I am Hong Tao Liu. The foreign guest said: I am still the Seven of Diamonds!
4. Zai Zai was repaired by his father. He ran to his mother to complain: "Mom, what will you do if someone hits your son?" Mom: "I will beat his son to take revenge!" Zai Zai: "... …”
5. An old lady is illiterate, but likes to listen to the radio and must listen to the weather forecast every day. One day I asked my family during dinner: "I have a question. Do you know where the local area is? It rains almost every day."
6. A little mouse on the cliff waved a short The mother bat next to her jumped down again and again with her front paws, trying to learn to fly. The female bat next to her looked at it and her head was bruised and bloody, and she said worriedly: Its father, if you don’t tell it, it is not our biological child!
7. I went to Mount Taishan with my friends to watch the sunrise. A friend pointed at the sky and said, "I saw it!" "I saw it too!" At this time, someone from a distance came out with his pants lifted and cursed: "When you see it, you see it! What are you shouting about!"
8. Ghost: God, next time I am reincarnated, I want to be as white as an angel and have a pair of wings, but I still want to suck blood.
God: Then reincarnate yourself as Hushu Bao.
9． A friend was selling popsicles in the park during his first work-study program, and he was too embarrassed to shout. Suddenly, someone shouted: "Selling popsicles~~~~Selling popsicles~~". When the friend heard this, he felt happy and shouted: "Me too~~~~Me too~~~~".
10． Not long after the ant and the elephant got married, the elephant died. The ant cried bitterly while burying the elephant: "My dear, why did you go so early? I will bury you if I don't do anything else in my life!"
11. A boy has a crush on a girl and he mustered up the courage to ask the girl what kind of boy she likes
The girl who is "compatible" answered, even after asking several times, she got the same answer
The boy said in frustration : "Is it okay to have a flat head?"
12． One day, I was out of breath and chasing the last bus. As I chased, I shouted: Master! Master, wait for me~
Suddenly a passenger poked his head out of the car window and said to me slowly: Wukong. Just stop chasing me
13. One day I was taking a biology test, and one of the questions was to guess the name of the bird by looking at its legs. A certain student really didn't understand and angrily tore up the paper and prepared to leave the examination room. The invigilator was very angry and asked him: "Which class are you in and what's your name?" A certain student lifted up his trouser legs and said: "Guess, you guess."
14. After the beautiful Mongolian actress finished her performance, the leader came to the stage to receive her. He took her hand and asked her for warmth. He refused to let go for a long time and asked kindly: What is your name? The actress replied excitedly "Malegbi. Songshou"
14. After the beautiful Mongolian actress finished her performance, the leader came to the stage to receive her. He took her hand and asked her for warmth. He refused to let go for a long time and asked kindly: What is your name? The actress replied excitedly, "Malegbi. Songshou"
15. A man bought a parrot that could only say two words, "Who?". One day, the owner was not at home, and a gas man knocked on the door.
Parrot: Who is it?
Answer: Gas changer
Parrot: Who is it?
Answer: The gas changer
......
The master was lying down at the door when he came home. The master was wondering, who is this?
Door Inside: Gas replacement