2, event: Thursday wrote the diary recalled that when I was a child (4, 5 years old) because of accidentally broke a bowl, in order to avoid being beaten, dealt with the broken pieces of ceramic and swept the floor of the meal, scared and hungry ran out of the door, looking for friends to play pretending to be full, my mother shouted at me, pretending not to hear, avoiding my mother, my mother told me to go back to eat, I thought my mother no longer blame me. Go back to eat, I thought my mother no longer blame me, when I finished eating, my mother asked me where the broken bowl, I took my mother to see where I hid the broken pieces of china, when my mother saw those broken pieces of china, heavily patted me on the back a few times, so I chose not to trust my mother any more, feeling cheated by my mother, feeling very sad and heartbroken, with my mother's mode of getting along with this kind of, but also led to my mother's closure of the door to my heart.
? Yuexin sister read that diary let me dig a little deeper, ready to arrange a good Friday comb, Friday morning ready to eat breakfast, the table has been set on the dishes, I was in the kitchen ready to take the soup out, the result of the oldest two broke a bowl, I rushed over to look at the fear of broken ceramic cut her feet, she was barefoot, I picked her up, felt that she was a little shocked, holding her to pacify her, and gently on her I said to her gently, "The bowl fell to the floor and made a little noise, you think it was a little sudden, it scared you, didn't it?" She leaned her head on my shoulder and said, "Uh-huh", I gently stroked her back and she gradually relaxed, then I pointed to the broken pieces of porcelain on the floor and said, "Baby, look, the bowl is broken, we need to clean it up, and these broken pieces of porcelain will stick to your feet, so you need to clean it up before you can eat breakfast. "Then I swept around the table with Beibei to make sure there was no debris, and let the children come over to eat. (Usually, after the dishes are put on the table, she will go and give them to everyone again, and this time it was the same, she wanted to pick up the bowl and give it to the other people, and the bowl just happened to have been cleaned again (I will clean the bowl again before the meal), and there were some water droplets on the bowl. (I would have washed the bowl again before the meal), and there was still some water droplets on the bowl, maybe she picked it up and dropped it when her hand slipped).
? In the process of accompanying the oldest two to deal with the broken bowl, but also see me at that time because of the same scene need to mother unconditional to me, she did not like this to me, I think she does not love me, before the little full like sister so big also broke several bowls, I did not blame him, also like this treatment, but did not see the little full of the inner needs, did not take care of him at that time I need to like this to pacify him, only In these years of bringing up Xiaoman, I know that I was treated badly when I was a child, so I don't want to treat my child the way they treated me, although formally I don't act like my parents, it's also a kind of confrontation with my parents, I think they are not qualified parents, and I have to do my best to be a good mother, I feel that my mother didn't raise me well, and it makes me feel that I am I used to hope that Xiaoman was a girl (when he wasn't born), and if it was a girl, I had to raise her carefully, but if it turned out to be a boy, it didn't matter, I had to raise her carefully as well. I didn't follow my parents' ways, and in order to be a good mom, I learned all kinds of parenting knowledge, and I didn't hesitate to choose my child in front of my career or my child, and for the sake of my child I could openly fight against my parents and other elders, and I was like the character in "The Little Prince". Just like the little prince in The Little Prince who raised roses (covered the flowers with a glass cover to avoid harm and did not allow aggression, thinking that this was love) raised children and created a bubble world for them. Looking back at the previous years all the way to bring up children, there is a very large part of the confrontation with parents, they let me stay, I'm no longer bitter and tired to keep the child with me, they sternly reprimanded, I have to be pleasant, mom did not dress me up beautifully, then I will have another daughter to fulfill their own dreams, if I have a daughter, I'm not as rough as my parents, I will not raise, I will be nurtured from the inside to the outside properly. Now I see that I want a girl is partly to make up for their own shortcomings, I feel that I am not good, I put my hopes on the child, I want to love her well, do not want her to suffer like me these, the truth turned out to be that I want to use the child to fill my shortcomings (mom did not raise me well)
3, immediate reaction:
The bowl is broken, be careful not to scratch your hands and feet.
4, the body's feeling at the moment:
Calm , the scene of my mother's treatment of me in my head
5, the internal dialog:
Broken is broken, it's just a bowl, it's good that the child is fine.
6, inner feelings:
The same is a broken bowl, when I was a child, if my mother had been so gentle with me, it would have been good. There is a hint of loss and regret, how could I not have been treated so gently?
7. What emotional wound (emotional hook) is touched within yourself?
When I was little (around 5 years old), I was ready to eat lunch, and I don't know if I was too excited or panicked, but before I started to eat, I got a bowl of rice on the floor, and the bowl broke, and my mom just happened to go to the kitchen and didn't see it, and I was worried that my mom would blame me and beat me up, so I cleaned the floor up, and then I ran out of the house in a hungry stomach, and I pretended to be done eating, and I looked for my buddies to continue to play in the blazing sun, so I thought that I could conceal it from my mom. I thought I could hide my meal from my mom, but I was apprehensive when I was playing with the others, and I kept an eye on my mom while I was playing, worrying that she would suddenly run over and hit me. When my mom stood outside the house and asked me to go back to eat, I ignored her, wanting to go back home but not daring to do so, so I could only wander around in front of the house, walking over and over to see what my mom was doing and to see if she was getting over her anger, and I felt that I could feel that my mom would be angry anytime. I stood outside and watched the house, feeling that my mother would come out at any time and grab me and beat me up. Therefore, I had to keep a distance from the house so that if my mother came out, I could run away and not be caught by her. At that time, I was very nervous and scared, and I longed for my mom to forgive me and not to blame me. In front of the house for half an afternoon, mom said not to blame me, I ran home full of joy, mom also left me a meal, let me finish eating, after eating I took mom to see those broken porcelain, the result was mom in the back of the heavy slap a few times, I feel that my mother deceived me, I trusted my mother so much, thought she had put down, will not blame me, the result is still beaten, I no longer believe in my mother, and I'm not willing to open up to her.
8. What limiting beliefs do you find yourself having?
That my mom should just treat me well, understand me, and support me instead of blaming me.
9. What are the truths and possibilities you see after being present?
I don't think my mom is good enough, I want a perfectly good mom. My mom is not good, I don't want to emulate her, I'm going to fight the reality of my mom by being the ideal good mom myself.
10. What are the adjustable responses and choices?
-Mom is a mom, she raised us that way, it's not up to me, I don't want to learn from her, it's not about fighting her, it's about not perpetuating the pain, it's about passing on the love.
-I can be a real mom with flesh and blood without living the ideal of being a good mom (emptying myself for my kids and losing myself).
- Be real with my kids and take care of myself at the same time.
2020-7-26 Sun Cloudy