Psychologically speaking, when people fall in love, they will automatically become each other's ideal parents and children. In other words, when love goes deep, the relationship between the two sides will become both parents and each other's children.

This parent is not our real parents, but our ideal parents. What is this ideal parent like? Simply put, the ideal parents are parents who can give us unconditional love.

In reality, many of our parents love their children conditionally. In every family, parents love their children in different ways and methods. Therefore, everyone's ideal parents are different.

If we are satisfied with our parents in reality, the coincidence between our ideal parents and our parents in reality will be higher, and we will find a love object similar to our parents in reality. If we are not so satisfied with our parents in reality, we will hope to have an ideal parent who is opposite or complementary to our parents in reality.

For example, some parents are strict with their children and have a strong desire for control, so children may want an ideal parent who is warm and loving, can respect and give themselves freedom.

Some parents usually neglect their children. Perhaps the ideal parents for children are parents who can care and take care of themselves.

02

A good relationship is a good medicine for our childhood trauma.

Wu Zhihong said:

Many psychological problems are caused in childhood, and these roots are like pustules. We wrapped the scar, "out of sight, out of mind". To solve this problem, you must touch this pustule. However, we know that people often touch our pustules out of malice to hurt us. Only when we trust a person especially, will we let him touch this pustule.

Physical pustules are easy to touch, but psychological pustules are hard to touch. If you are injured in childhood, you must go back to your childhood.

Therefore, unconsciously, love has become another treatment opportunity for us. We all hope that lovers can play the role of ideal parents and heal our childhood wounds.

If lovers care about us, they will actively satisfy our unconscious desires and play the role of ideal parents. Once we feel that lovers really conform to the image of our ideal parents, we will become children.

If the "treatment" is successful, not only will the childhood mistakes be repaired, but we will also truly become a person with independent personality, which is the most important step in the growth of personality and the last step of separation from family.

Unfortunately, however, many love "treatments" failed, leaving deeper scars. The main reason for this situation is that we have not handled the contradiction between love and separation well.

03

Love is actually a copy of parent-child relationship.

All our relationships with the world are copies and extensions of parent-child relationships. Therefore, the quality of parent-child relationship in childhood directly affects our future happiness.

If childhood is happy, we are more likely to copy happiness; If childhood is painful, we are more likely to replicate it.

In the early days of love, we will actively give each other unconditional love, making each other feel that "no matter what you do, I will always love you, and my love is unconditional."

This will enable us to realize our own value and feel happy.

If parents don't handle the love and separation with their children properly, children will feel that parents should be responsible for our happiness and misfortune when they grow up. Just like when I was a child, my children felt that their happiness and misfortune were given by their parents. At the same time, children will feel that their parents' happiness and misfortune are caused by themselves.

In this way, the two sides will depend on each other and interfere with each other, blurring each other's responsibilities and boundaries, and losing their independent space. This sticky relationship will only bind both sides, both of them lose their flexibility and vitality, and both of them become very tired.

If parents can give their children enough love from an early age, as their children grow up, they will gradually learn to be independent and be separated from their parents healthily.

However, because some people don't get enough love when they are young, their hearts don't grow up correspondingly when they grow up, so their psychology still stays at the stage of children. They don't want to be responsible for themselves, but want to be responsible for each other. Therefore, in love, they will pin their happiness on each other, and at the same time they want to control and manipulate each other, which is the root cause of the pain in their relationship.

In fact, a child who really enjoys the love of real parents in childhood will not seek the love of ideal parents excessively when he grows up. Because their love needs are met, their hearts are full of love energy, they have the ability to give love, and they are willing to give.

At the same time, he will take the initiative to be independent and give himself and the other party free space.

04

Why do we fall in love with someone at first sight? This is actually because that person meets the standards of our ideal parents.

We will subconsciously look for our ideal parents according to our realistic parents as our love objects and fall in love with each other.

If the other person cares about us, TA will subconsciously know our needs and take the initiative to meet us and give us unconditional love.

When they got married, both sides returned to reality. Gradually, we will no longer give unconditional love and acceptance to each other, and at the same time, we will vent our dissatisfaction with our biological parents on each other.

If real parents have serious shortcomings and problems that hurt us, we will be afraid that the other party will have such problems, or imagine that the other party has such shortcomings, so as to infer the other party's behavior and produce corresponding response patterns.

If our real parents are better than each other, we will criticize each other and think that they can't do what our parents do.

This is actually the relationship between two families. Because we all get along with our own family brands. Although we love each other deeply, we will become children. But this child is different from when we were born. TA has been programmed according to family of origin.

If the real person can't satisfy us, we are often unwilling to satisfy each other. If both sides only want each other to meet their expectations, but they are unwilling to change, then both sides will find fault with each other, and love will become hurt.

Although everyone gets unconditional positive attention, their mentality will go back to childhood. But some people become good children, while others become bad children. Generally speaking, healthy families will raise good children and bad families will raise bad children.

We will only become children in front of the people we trust most, so the people we trust most often hurt us the most, because we are unprepared for them and give them the opportunity to hurt us.

05

Wu Zhihong gave an example in Why Home Hurts People:

A Jing grew up in a relatively healthy family. Her parents love her very much. When she was a child, she worshipped her father like all children. But when she grew up, she found that her father was actually very ordinary. His appearance is ordinary, his ability is average, he is not respected, and he lacks some stimulation. These findings disappointed A Jing, and the prototype of an "ideal father" gradually emerged in her mind: he was brilliant and handsome. Yue Dong fits this prototype, so she fell in love with her the first time she saw her.

Yue Dong's family is very unfortunate. At the age of 6, my father, who was regarded as an "incompetent tyrant, took it out on me because he was incompetent", fell ill and died, and my mother kept changing boyfriends. He felt that she didn't care about him at all. In her mind, every boyfriend seems to be more important than her son. When Yue Dong 16 years old, her mother died in a car accident on her way to see her boyfriend.

His ideal mother is warm and safe, and gives him unconditional love.

A Jing also conforms to the prototype of Elantra's "ideal mother". She loved Yue Dong very much, so she played the role of Yue Dong's "ideal mother" from the very beginning, taking care of him. No matter how he treats her, she still loves him as always. Let Dong Yue feel the warmth of home for the first time.

Yue Dong said happily to Ah Jing, "Now I finally know what is wonderful. You make every corner of my broken family shine. "

When Jing gave Yue Dong unconditional love, she quickly returned to her childhood and became a "child".

After getting along for nearly a year, Yue Dong began to criticize Jing. He doesn't do housework with Jing anymore. After getting along for nearly two years, his criticism of A Jing turned into ridicule. Three years later, this ridicule turned into a vicious attack. He can always keenly capture every shortcoming of Jing. At the same time, he is also sensitive to her communication with other men. He often follows Jing and hates those male students who have more contact with Jing.

Jing broke up many times, but Yue Dong tried to keep her, but Yue Dong didn't change herself. Although Jing still loves him, she finally broke up with him after five years.

Since then, Yue Dong has been changing girlfriends. In the past ten years, he has made one girlfriend after another. Every girlfriend is more beautiful and capable than Jing, but each relationship lasts less than four months.

Ten years later, he dreamed of Jing again. She brought him a steaming life as usual, but when she left, she said, "Your mother owes you a lot, but I don't owe you anything." She turned away from him at once. At that moment, Jing's back looked like her mother. After waking up, Yue Dong's pillow was soaked with his own tears.

06

Wu Zhihong said:

Every breakup is a spiritual repair.

For me, only Jing can make him forget it, because she gave him unconditional love and turned him into a child in front of him.

It's a pity that the child is too bad. The "real mother" owes him too much, and now he wants the "ideal mother" to pay his debts; This "real mother" is very playboy, and now he also suspects that the "ideal mother" will be just as romantic; He has a lot of anger at "real mother", and now he takes it out on "ideal mother" ...

In psychology, this phenomenon is called "empathy" Empathy is an opportunity for psychotherapy, and experienced psychologists will use this opportunity to pull the patient out of the unconscious shadow and lead him to the light.

But Jing is not a psychologist. When Yue Dong developed pustules, she didn't know how to operate. So she had to retreat.

In psychotherapy, psychologists can only play a role when patients have a strong motivation to change. The same is true in love. Yue Dong is not a good patient. He lacks the motivation to change.

His childhood was too miserable, but he was lucky enough to meet the ideal lover scene and was willing to play his ideal mother. Every time Beijing breaks up, if he also tries to reflect on his life and change his behavior pattern, it will be his most important chance to recover. Even if he can change himself after breaking up with his girlfriend, he still has a chance to get true love in life and be saved.

Unfortunately, he doesn't want to change. He thinks that his parents should be responsible for his life, but he has no responsibility.

Rong, a psychological counselor, said that the reason why we repeat childhood mistakes in love is because we unconsciously want treatment. However, if we are seriously ill and lack the motivation to change, we are not good patients, and even a good psychologist can do nothing.

External factors need to be changed through internal factors.

07

Lovers are also independent people, not our parents.

In the honeymoon period of love, lovers will play each other's "ideal parents" because we all know what the other person needs subconsciously.

However, after the honeymoon period, when the distance between two people can't get closer, we will regard our lovers as "real parents", and our previous dissatisfaction with "real parents" will now be blamed on our lovers. When we frame others, we are an unreasonable child. The more lovers love us, the more unreasonable we are.

This is a critical period to test a love.

At this time, we are easily impatient and unwilling to continue to give unconditional love to our lover. The best way to overcome this difficult period is, on the one hand, we understand that many of our bad moods are not caused by our current lovers, but by the past. On the other hand, lovers continue to give us unconditional love.

It's a pity that many of us get along by instinct, and even some people are completely immature, still staying at the stage of children, and have no idea how to surpass them.

Wu Zhihong said:

Everyone has to experience "birth" at least twice. The first time I was born in my mother's womb, the second time I fell in love.

We can't choose to be born, but love is an opportunity we can choose. If we try to save ourselves and our loved ones instead of giving ourselves to the subconscious, then every time we fall in love, it may be a good therapeutic opportunity.

To do this, we should learn not only unconditional love, but also separation. Because, no matter how close, it is another person.

In a few cases, a love will automatically save a person, which is the deep reason why love is regarded as great. However, if we really want to be saved, we must work hard on our own.

Only in the process of love, the two sides work together and grow together, can the childhood trauma be effectively repaired here, and our hearts will become stronger and stronger, and we will gain love and freedom.

References:

"Why do families hurt people?" Wu Zhihong