My cousin’s family traveled dozens of miles from the countryside to visit her sick mother. As usual, I just came out to say hello and then went back to my room to continue reading. The relationship between my cousin and my mother is very good. When my mother opened a small grocery store in the county town, my cousin was only 18 years old at the time. She helped in the store and was busy all day long. After not seeing each other for several years, my once gentle and shy cousin’s voice became as loud as all the farmers in the country. I closed the door, but I still clearly heard my cousin loudly talking about this year's harvest and the recent quarrel between the two of them. She became louder and louder as she spoke, and eventually she started to cry. Through the crack in the door, I saw my mother glance in my direction uneasily. Seeing that I didn't move, my mother continued to listen. The cousin-in-law only argued in a low voice at first, and then began to protest loudly. In the end, the couple officially got into a fight at my house. The roars of the cousin-in-law, the sobs of the cousin, and the comforting voices of the mother were mixed with the sounds of their precious twins playing.

I closed the book, opened the door, and prepared to go to the street.

"Wait a minute!" My mother stopped me, her eyes filled with fear and uneasiness, like a child who had made a mistake. I said calmly: "Mom, I'm fine."

My mother hesitated, took out two hundred coins from her wallet and gave them to me: "You go to your classmate's house to play first." < /p>

I said: "Mom, I don't need it, I have money."

My mother's hand holding the money froze halfway, she looked at me sheepishly, and then quickly took out another Stacking money: "Haven't you always wanted to buy a new guitar? Take it! Go buy it and ask Luo Shan to accompany you!".

I still said calmly: "Mom, I don't need it, I have money." I am no longer used to asking my parents for money.

Two identical dark-skinned little things came out of nowhere and jumped to grab the money from their mother's hand. The cousin and his wife were embarrassed. While beating their children, they took the money out of their hands and gave it to their mother. The two little loaches kept struggling, spitting, lying down, and crying. My mother's face became more and more frightened, and she kept observing me all the time.

I said: "Mom, I'm fine."

Something was broken, making a musical sound. Mother's face was earth-colored.

The floor was covered with dirt, and the cactus was lying in the dirt, with a section of its trunk broken and blood flowing from fresh wounds.

The little one immediately raised his hand to report: "My brother did it!"

The older one pursed his lips and blinked his eyes desperately.

The cousin-in-law raised his hand.

I said: "Don't hit him."

My cousin's husband looked at me as if he didn't recognize me. Yes, he was in love with his cousin at that time and had been to my house several times. He must have known me at that time.

I said to them: "It's okay, it's a cactus anyway, it can grow back."

They looked at me with complicated eyes, including my mother.

2

I am famous among my friends and relatives for my bad temper and vicious temperament. I dared to openly contradict the elders in the clan and call them names; I dared to clamor to dig up the ancestral grave of a person who laughed at me, and actually set out with a hoe that afternoon, almost causing a clan fight; I dared to Roar anytime and anywhere, whether in school or hospital. In short, at that time, I was an out-and-out flammable and explosive object. Unreasonable anger filled my chest all day long. I walked with a livid face and my head bowed, as if the whole world deserved me a lot of money.

At that time, I was in the first grade of junior high school and was only fourteen years old.

In the words of my cousin, who has the strongest relationship with me, at that time, I was a mad dog that bit anyone in sight.

I remember that my second uncle, the most difficult to offend in the clan, said behind my back: Kuchiki. I immediately retaliate with the most vicious words, and specifically attack his taboo of not having a son. The second uncle, who was over fifty years old, almost burst into tears.

I remember that the brick missed his eye by just two centimeters - and he was once my friend. Just because I thought he was laughing at me.

I remember that I once chased a teenage high school student on the street with my face covered in blood, holding a foot-long watermelon knife in my hand.

I remember...

I remember that I was just one step away from going to jail; I was just one step away from being expelled from school; once, I was only one meter away from the thirteenth floor Jumped up and down.

I'm a bad boy, aren't I? Outright and hopeless.

My perverted and paranoid self-esteem made the gangsters on the five streets give me three points; my strong desire for destruction made them stay away from me.

I walked alone among the crowd, raising my proud head. Use violent words and deeds to protect my fragile and sensitive heart. I'm not a good student, but I'm not a gangster either. I don't want to smoke, gamble, or blackmail elementary school students. So no group could accept me. I was completely on the edge.

I thought I had forgotten. Is that thin, violent young man really me? Yes, I know that's really me. His injuries are my injuries, and his sufferings are my sufferings. The scars left back then are still clearly engraved on my face and heart.

Three

"Dad, are you asleep?"

"It doesn't matter if you are asleep, just say it to myself." < /p>

"My name was given by my grandfather; I was delivered by my grandmother; I was raised by my aunt; I was not a mad dog, I was just a puppy in my mother's arms. At that time, I was lively Cute, innocent, and happy for the whole family, isn’t it?”

“I can recite 50 Tang poems at the age of two, I can read at the age of three, and I can participate in composition competitions at the age of five. You told me."

"Later, these became your evidence that I am a modern 'Fang Zhongyong'."

"Everything is only because of my mathematics. No, I could still get through in elementary school under the guidance of the teacher’s pointer. When I got to junior high school, I rarely passed the test. The Chinese teacher often praised me for my literary talent in the first class, but the math teacher called me a pig-headed idiot in the next class. Because I always failed in math, I couldn't get into a key high school. According to your logic, if you can't get into a key high school, you can't get into a key university. If you can't get into a key university, you won't have a good job. Without a good job, your children will be in trouble. ..."

"Dad, I was so young at that time. I could not face up to this important matter that related to the fate of my son or daughter. At that time, I loved reading, writing, laughing, and loving someone. Go to the mountains to see the clouds."

"Until one day, you feel that you have to control me. Otherwise, your only son will not be able to become the dragon you expected, and you will not be able to fulfill your dreams. The one you praised me for when I was a baby was Tsinghua University and Peking University.”

“First I burned books, tapes, CDs, comic posters, and everything I liked. Do you think this is because of my poor math scores? The origin. You forced me to stand by the fire and watch my beloved Jack London, Jin Yong, and Li Ao turn into ashes. From now on, I will skip breakfast every day to save money. Buy more 'idle books', more CDs. Then get 18 points on the math test. Then you get 18 points on the test again... You obviously underestimated your precocious son's self-esteem."

"After a year, you are disappointed."

"You started to be sarcastic, sarcastic, and scolding. I gritted my teeth and stared at the floor without saying a word. In your In your eyes, I walk badly, eat like a starved person, and grind my teeth while sleeping... In short, in your mouth, I am useless only for digesting food."

" I can't imagine that such harsh and harsh words would come from the mouths of my dearest parents. They were like ice picks pricking my heart, making blood dripping from my heart. You said it was for my own good, but you said it was because you wanted your son to succeed and you hate iron. ”

“I began to become increasingly silent, haunting my home like a ghost. I spoke up to five sentences a day, four of which were about eating, drinking, and eating. I refused to change my self-esteem. I am not allowed to do this."

"Two years later, you are desperate. ”

“I have become a typical example of not wanting to make progress, and you are trying your best to save me...all my relatives and friends know that I am a hopeless child. So much so that when they educate their children, they say they don’t study hard. I am their role model! They still don't give any guidance on how a sensitive boy who lives in humiliation all day can survive - at that time, you always threatened me and said you would kick me out of the house.

A few times, you looked at my transcript and almost did that. ”

“You said you asked me to start a small business after I graduated from junior high school. You said I’m not qualified to carry people’s shoes. You said...”

“It seems like an autumn day. It was dusk, the setting sun was like blood. I walked along the railway track for who knows how long before I found a small restaurant. It was already dark as I sat on a worn-out seat waiting for my bowl of rice noodles. A dim electric light was barely on.

That bowl of rice noodles was really terrible. I have never eaten rice noodles that tasted so bad. Did I come all this way just to eat such an unpleasant bowl of rice noodles? I was so sad that I started crying as I thought about it. You know, I have never shed a tear at home. At the beginning, I gritted my teeth and clenched my fists and tried my best to prevent the tears from flowing out, but it didn't work. The dam collapsed over the past few years, and the tears kept pouring out, falling on my clothes and on the table. "

" Thinking about it now, it actually had nothing to do with rice noodles. I was just too lonely at the time. ”

“I have never told you about these. ”

Four

Cousin, do you still remember?

Why don’t you remember? We were still in love at that time. When I came to your house to play, I thought The gas exploded! You looked like you were going to kill someone that day. It was so scary.

I can’t say that I liked her. It was just that we both loved words and music at that time. We have been corresponding, in fact, we are in the same school and send letters anonymously. We put glue on the stamps and use them again and again. We discuss literature and encourage each other, and share the secrets with each other.

On her sixteenth birthday, my father had forgotten when his son, who was not good at math, was born, but she remembered that the gift was a small cactus.

I hurriedly ran home, put the cactus on the table, and hurriedly found tools to make a small shelf for the cactus so that it could bask in the sun comfortably on the balcony.

My father looked through my letters. When I returned to the room, I saw the cactus was broken into two parts, with fresh wounds and blood flowing from it.

A few words came out of my father's mouth: "No." Face! "

With a bang, I felt like I couldn't hear or see anything. My father's subsequent sarcasm and sarcasm were like distant buzzing, illusory and unreal. I heard my heart breaking. It fell and was scattered on the ground, and there was no time to pick it up.

I smashed everything in the house that day.

I don’t remember how much my mother lost that night. Tears, I just remember that my father has become much older overnight. I think he must be shocked that his silent son suddenly became a furious lion.

My cousin said: How could I forget that? From now on, your temper has become worse and worse. You often scold people. When you come to my house, all the dogs in the village will run away.

After I went to vocational high school, I never went back home.

I started trying to make money to support myself. I sold beer, worked as a construction worker, and wrote various books. Such words were sold for money. I collected those weird stories and wrote articles that cost one yuan a word. In the process of supporting myself, I realized that I was not a father. I was called a coward.

I went to college and started working. After many years, I lived alone in a strange city, in a house that was very windy at night. . It just blew away, and many things seemed to be blown away by the wind.

A lot of the pain was forgotten, and everything in the past was no longer important. ——Is it really not important? I know that those difficult and painful years will be difficult to erase in my heart. Everything about me in the future will be marked by that time.

That basin is broken. The cactus was planted in the backyard by my father, and there was only a pale scar left from the wound. The cactus had grown into a large and strong pot, and my father took care of it carefully.

My father did not see it at that time. The birthday card she gave me read these words:

A cactus cannot decide where it will sprout, but it can choose to live bravely, whether in the desert or the Gobi.

You know, even a cactus will one day bloom into beautiful flowers.

There are butterflies flying in the sky, and my cactus is blooming.