The decision to go on this trip with her was a huge one. Initially I was only planning to go to Prague for three days and then to Rome for a meeting, which, with the round trip, was a fairly loose ten days.

When I called home, she said it was snowing there and the heating wasn't very good. The building is an old building in the late 1980s, although the pipeline has been replaced once, but the whole heating is not as good as it could be. The decorations are still the same as when I first brought my boyfriend home. That boyfriend's family was in a better condition, and she was satisfied. When she heard that I was going to bring him back to visit, before the summer vacation, she spent 50,000 yuan to redecorate the bathroom and kitchen, replaced a sofa, and removed four windows. Then my boyfriend and I broke up, and she was always hanging on to the fifty thousand dollars. Another phrase simply grew like a mole on the corner of her mouth - if not because of you.

I was about five or six years old when I first heard this. At that time we still all lived in a silo, a room that could only fit a table, a chair and two single beds put together in a double bed. The bed was very hard, and from then on I got into the habit of sleeping on my back because my arms hurt when I turned on my side. I remember the desk better. It looked like an old replacement from school, with the word "morning" carved into it by the kids. It had been painted with pure blue ink and had wrinkles all over it. I remember it well because I learned to write on it, and then I did my homework there when I was in elementary school. We also ate on it, and there was a row of cooking spices piled up against the corner. She liked to buy solid soy sauce, and vinegar in bags, both of which were cheaper than bottles. But you had to take care of it, or else you'd knock it over and there'd be a dark black ocean on the table. I certainly did, more than once. Every time I knocked it over she would curse and yell, accompanied by tears, about her various difficulties and the countless hardships of raising me. And then there's that line: If it weren't for you.

When eating, she usually sits on the bed and I sit on the stool. To my right was a stove with a flue pipe, a chimney against the wall and a long throat. We used it to keep warm, more often than not in order to cook vegetables. Once she didn't level her bowl and snapped me all over with nori eggdrop soup, starting two big blisters on my leg. She dragged me to the water room and drenched me with cold water while crying: it's all your fault, it's not because of you. She cried so loudly that the water room buzzed, we were like small people trapped in a glass vessel, no way out, often suffocating, the slightest movement can stimulate the whole body nerves shaking. I had no friends, no one wanted to be close to me, no one came to get involved in anything we did while we lived in that staff dormitory building. We lived outside the world early on.

The two-room apartment she lives in now was hard to come by, and she was relieved to have that one. It used to house a pair of double-income workers from their hospital, the man was in logistics, surnamed An. The woman was a pediatrician, surnamed Wen. There are two daughters, the smaller one is the same age as me, the larger one is two years older than me. In 1994, the hospital in the southern district to build a family building, there are a number of old houses can be retired, she dragged me to Uncle An's house, kneeling in the living room with a handful of snot and a handful of tears to say their own experience. For example, my father's car accident, my grandparents' indifference, and her widowed mother's difficulties in raising her children. I think her story is basically unknown at the hospital. The couple tried everything to get her up, and she cried until she was breathless: If it wasn't for the baby, I wouldn't have wanted to live, all because of the baby ah ...... She dragged me down as well, touched my face with her hands, and looked into my eyes with tear-filled eyes full of infinite tenderness, and told of how our family had treated me with didn't care and drove her to desperation.

The two girls above me were desperate, wanting us to stand up as much as their parents. The eagerness was real, and so was the sympathy. It was the first time I had ever envied anyone. The kindness in their eyes glowed brightly. Those two girls were later my friends, and unlike me, they lived radical and resigned lives. They were calm, peaceful, without fear. An Xi is now in the hospital, an obstetrician and gynecologist. Anran is working as an administrator at a university in Tianjin. They work, get married, have children, and live happily ever after. Do you think they all have a lot of money? Not really, maybe not even as much as I do now, but I'm always wilting and starving, and they're always full of it.

I learned early on that crying works. Her house came to her so much by crying. The first time I saw this, I was in the middle of a long journey, and I was so happy to see that I was able to get to the top of the list. Later they have been much care for me, they and her relationship is also good. How many years have passed, that cry out for affection has deepened a lot more than in the past. So all in all, no matter what the initial starting point is, nothing seems to be finalized until the end is reached. The real charm of man is the honest expression of self. Sometimes a certain rashness and shyness, or a slip of the tongue, have a charm, because they come from the heart, honest and unadorned, and allow us to see a unique side of a person.

Except I don't have such a crying side. Even though I know crying works, I've never tried it. Breakups, job loss, getting squeezed out of a competition, I've never cried. Was it inner strength? Not really. I feel sad and want tears to come out of my eyes too. But I usually only experience a dry pain, not wetness.

I majored in chemical engineering in college, and then went on to get a master's degree from the university. After graduation, I first went to Beijing, and then to Hangzhou, changed three jobs, and finally in a well-known daily chemical company to do things. This year, I had the opportunity to be sent to Italy to study for my doctorate. The company had a cooperative program with a university there, and the conditions offered were very favorable. We received a monthly salary of 2,500 euros, and our job in Rome was to assist our supervisor in research and to work with the company's product department to develop new products. When the project is finalized, it is enough to meet the requirements of thesis publication and new product development. After returning home, the salary will be doubled, plus product dividends, and, of course, a doctoral degree. It's a great deal. And I competed with a **** there are three people, two of them graduated from a poorer institution, there is no advantage at the beginning, to the end of a female doctor named Wu Lili and me. She already had a PhD and wanted a better one, and her work experience in Europe would be her new springboard. Our business skills are very different, the stalemate state of a senior pointed out to me: go to cry, crying certainly is yours.

Of course I didn't do it.

The tears that did not flow in my eyes were finally interpreted by Lily Wu in an exceptionally vivid way. When everyone was describing how Lily Wu was holding the paper drawer and crying, she was already drinking coffee in the Bar in Rome. The company also helped her rent a small apartment there, with good facilities, almost a thousand dollars a month.

I haven't verified whether relationships between people are hard to change after the first time they are established. But apparently I don't even know much about how to establish it. In fact, I think she's much more sophisticated and smarter than I am in this regard. Often times, establishing favors I have to take my chances. And I did have some luck. The former school's senior from the head office, it happens to be in charge of the Hangzhou branch, the meal by chance met, casually chatting when he gave the word, so that I can first go to visit a little, and that side of the school contact, and mentor to meet, and Wu Li Li liaison colleague friendship, and then for the next year to send me to the past to get ready.

There were voices coming out of the company, all of them speculating about me and my senior. There are also people who say, hurry up and seize the opportunity, you now spell career instead of secondary, the main thing is to find a good man to marry. My senior is eight years older than me, divorced once, childless. Honestly, these words occasionally pass through the brain, only fundamentally, the world's superfluous things, no matter in what form, have nothing to do with me, when these things and my inner balance and rational judgment contradict, I prefer to turn a blind eye, easily pretend that they do not exist. If an obstacle appears in front of me, blocking my path, I will go around it and move on, not altering my forward progress one iota, and will quickly forget about the obstacle.

Like her.

I rarely call her. Because she was always rearranging the obstacle out of place at the wrong time. She never seems to be happy, she worries every day, and in her sixties there are still a lot of tears. When I went to Uncle An's house to pay my respects at Chinese New Year, they would always say, "Be more sympathetic to your mom, it's really not easy for her to bring you up all by herself. Occasionally, this kind of information is still revealed to me. For example, An Xi would say, "Jiahui, have you never bought jewelry for your aunt? That time your mom cried when she saw my mom's gold necklace. Anran said, why don't you take auntie out for a trip, she seems to be quite envious of my parents going out every year.

I admit, I am not good to her.

I haven't bought her jewelry, I haven't taken her on a trip, and I haven't given her a lot of money. Only every time I went home for New Year's Eve, I slipped her 10,000 dollars.

Meals, I said.

Then I didn't even want to go home. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to get the money to pay for it, but I'm sure I'll be able to.

They are the first to be able to do so, and they are the first to be able to do so, and they are the first to be able to do so.

I can always hear her complain. When I hear it, I always think of sixteen years old, the year I got into college, as a relief, people around the congratulations when she always cried, said there is no money for me to study, we have to lend a helping hand, and many people do not want to return the favor. At that time, sponsoring a poor but diligent student was still considered a worthy donation. But during that vacation she kept pressuring me to ask my aunt and uncle for money. I hadn't seen them for ten years, and when I came home for dinner, I didn't even open my mouth to ask for money. She was hysterical again in that small apartment, talking from the age of six to sixteen, repeating words that had been repeated countless times. The most frequent was, of course, the one: if it were not for you.

She helped me pay for my first year's tuition and fees, and gave me another five thousand dollars for living expenses, and from then on, I started to stand on my own two feet. I've been working part-time to study, undergraduate and graduate school, and I've been able to pay for my own education all by myself. The third year after I found a stable job, I finally saved enough money to liquidate with interest to the aunt and uncle who sponsored my education. I did so quite inhuman, I know. I took three thousand five hundred and thirty-five thousand three hundred and five hundred when I handed it to the people, everyone felt nothing but embarrassment. From then on, I knew I was an incredibly stiff and unkind person.

I'll sign you up for a tour, and you can go on a trip.

I told her that one winter.

I'm not going.

I don't want to go. She didn't look at me and kept watching a TV show on China Central 8.

I didn't say anything else. I didn't want to buy her jewelry at all. We have a rare few shopping, she intentionally or unintentionally went to two or three jewelry stores. I was always deliberately cold, either sitting on the edge and swiping my phone or pretending to take a call and walking out. I stood outside the door of the store, leaning against the wall to watch the stalls across the street selling candy and fruit, couplets and autumn clothes and underwear and hats and gloves and daily necessities whose quality couldn't get any worse. I am tired of this small town, I wish I was never born, so I do not have to struggle, want to be dissatisfied.

I often feel like a married couple with her. Once she tried on a white gold necklace, and the shopper complimented her on how bright it looked on her white skin. She turned to me in a rare moment and said, "What do you think of this one? I won't be ashamed to wear it when you get married. I looked at her and said categorically, I'm not getting married. She was embarrassed. The shopping guide lady hurriedly said, hey aunt, now is not not allowed to urge marriage, just let nature take its course, your daughter is young and beautiful, do not worry about marriage. She also smiled: also not young, can not not be anxious ah.

Outside the door, her face immediately clouded down, to immediately go home. The day is New Year's Eve, we agreed to eat a New Year's Eve dinner outside, the restaurant is also booked. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to get a refund for the meal, but she was adamant about going back. You don't even see me as your mom, you are filial enough! With those words she left without looking back. I stood in the middle of the road for a few minutes, I do not want to see her tears, call the ticket, I heard that there happens to be a temporary addition of passenger flights back to Hangzhou, so on the spot to change the ticket, by the way, stopped a taxi to the airport.

After that, we didn't talk to each other on the phone for half a year. I'm not sure if I've ever seen this before, but I'm sure I've seen it before, and I'm sure I've never seen it before.

2

I'm going to Rome for a business trip, and I'm going to the neighborhood. I won't be going back for the New Year.

How long is the trip?

About 10 days.

I know.

I felt a sense of discomfort. I couldn't help but close my eyes and take a few deep breaths. I don't know when it started, but even talking on the phone became an inexplicable ordeal. Often, there were gaps between our conversations that I wanted to fill, but like the chimneys that had been running down a small silo for years, my throat was clogged. One time she didn't seal the coal stove and we almost died in that little room. I slept in a coma in the hospital for a week or so, and when I woke up I heard her crying, saying the hospital bill was too expensive. A female hospital director was there to calm her down, saying, "Poor child, don't worry, we only charge for the infusion. That's more than 500 yuan. She later said, "If it wasn't for the fact that I felt something was wrong and got up to open the window, you would have died long ago. This sentence later I also heard many times, every time I will respond to her in my heart: how good it is to die, why do you want to save me.

I didn't know how to get along with her, and perhaps to ease the awkwardness, I said in passing:

Do you want to come with me?

I regretted it after saying it, I was afraid she would agree to it, but then I thought about it. The thing that is embarrassing to each other, what is the point of doing it.

But there is a long silence. The more silent she is, the more nervous I am.

I want to think about it, she suddenly said.

All right.

I'll call you back tomorrow. I have to make a decision soon, I need to buy the tickets in advance.

I didn't sleep well that night. I even came up with a few reasons to talk her out of it. For example, we have to walk a lot, and the streets of Rome are full of potholes. For example, it is winter, with luggage is very troublesome, it is difficult for me to deal with two people's big box. And then what about passports and visas, and so on and so forth.

The next day she took the initiative to call me: I'm going.

Have you thought about it?

I talked to your Auntie Wen, they are in favor of me to go.

I've been talking to your aunt and uncle, and they're all in favor of me going.

I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do that.

Hanging up the phone I was very frustrated. By the afternoon, I felt like I was going to collapse. I thought, I should have to give up going to Rome. If I don't go to Rome, then I don't need to travel with her. Even if I end up not being able to go to Rome the next year to do my project because of it, it doesn't matter. Anyway, I don't want to travel with her, it would be a disaster.

At 7:00pm, I sent a message saying, "I'm really sorry, but I've been thinking about it, and I think it's too much of a rush to go to Rome, so I'll put it off for a while.

Until ten o'clock, I received a reply: just now there is a bureau, I think it is good to go out to further study, I hope you do not waste the opportunity, of course, I also respect your decision.

The next few days I was in a state of torment.

Anxie came to the news: help me bring DIOR SNOW back, and Armani 405, 406 each two. Gucci's bag by the time you take pictures to me to see, recently came out a few are good. In addition, there is a colleague to a LV handbag, when I send pictures to you.

I'm not going to buy it, okay?

Anyway, it's just a side trip. I'll talk to you later when I have an operation.

I'm tempted to tell her I'm abandoning the trip, but I'm afraid it'll get back to the guy. How devastated would she be if that happened. In fact, because of her I have cut off contact with almost all my relatives and have withdrawn from the family group. Because every time there is an argument she calls her siblings to accuse me of a crime.

How did you become like this, you were so cute when you were small. One of my elders said.

Your mom is not easy to bring you up, why don't you understand her?

I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to get a good deal on this.

I don't remember if I was cute when I was little, because she lost the photos that documented my childhood when we moved. We rarely took photos after that, and the only photos in the album were elementary school graduation photos and middle school graduation photos. I always looked frowning and preoccupied in the photos.

Why did I become like this? This question I also ask myself. When did it become like this?

You were always like this, never thinking about others, cold and selfish. These are the words I heard when I broke up with Xu Kai.

I've always been this way, since we started dating, if you can't accept it then you shouldn't have started, so please don't be so underhanded as to accuse me of this when we broke up. Let's all just get together. I returned coldly.

Xu Kai was silent, or choked by me, that process, I opened a courier package, inside is some baking materials, cake flour, cream of tartar, cheese, butter, cranberries, oven thermometer, muffin cake molds, blotting paper, and some flowery packaging. I shoved them one by one into the cupboard, and when I couldn't fit them in, I moved the second tier of cup sets out, put them in a cardboard box, and carried them out to the balcony.

I did this step by step, occasionally stopping to think about how to organize it more appropriately, and in the process, I could always feel the knot of Xu Kai's anger. Those clusters of anger were a great energy in his body. But he didn't say another word, and after a while, I heard the sound of a door closing, not a big one, just a normal one. I didn't stop and I didn't cry.

I'm not a good cook, and I don't have time to drum up those. But I wanted to try once, to make a cake or something with my own hands. Xu Kai's birthday is the day before Christmas, Christmas Eve. He doesn't celebrate that foreign holiday, even though he studied in England for three years. I shoved the whisk into the corner of the cabinet, knowing I probably wouldn't even use it. I can't remember the exact day of the breakup, but it must have been the day after Double 11 and before Double 12, about a month before Christmas.

One form of self-protection I've learned over the years is to pretend to be unemotional when others are angry. I know that such behavior makes the angry person even angrier, and sometimes I just want to see them angrier. Only then do I feel balanced and relieved.

I can't shed tears. Tears of weakness. The more you are stung, the less tears you can shed. In fact, I cry a lot. I cry when I watch a seed successfully germinate, and I cry when I watch a fish hang up after spawning. I often watch science fiction movies without emotion. Sometimes I go on a website and look at photos of field lithology in many places uploaded by a group of geologists. They are passionately discussing something I can't understand: if you want to create the effect of the sun shining on the gold mountain, you should try to pick dark rocks, basalt, limestone, dolomite mountains have less reflections, except for the top of the mountain (especially the snow) is lit by the golden dawn twilight, the rest of the parts are basically dark tones, the three-dimensionality will be extraordinarily strong. Italy's famous Donometti mountain is dolomite, winter is a good place for skiing, summer summer is another good scene. This is a north-south extension of the mountain, if the camera position set up in the east side of the mountain, then find the sunrise time, you can shoot an extremely three-dimensional effect. Why the Kunlun Mountains on the Tibetan Plateau don't have this kind of photo? Because it is granite, which is originally a golden color tone, so it can't create this kind of contrasting atmosphere of light and dark.

Material, angle. Unchangeable vs. can be worked on. If I stand on the mountain, want to shoot the sunrise over the sea of clouds, the granite mountain is much better, the sunrise warm tones, the mountain's natural color is also warm tones, the whole looks warm, if I change to Everest, the close up is a solemn gray.

I live on the twenty-second floor, and the building across the street is gray, stately gray. I tried to photograph it from the front, and it was gray, dark gray in the dead of night. Then one evening when I came home, I used my cell phone to take a picture of the side of the building to create the feeling of "the sun shining on the golden building", and one winter morning, I drove out of the neighborhood and passed by the east side of the building, and there was still a waning moon in the sky, and the grey building showed a golden red color in the light of the sunrise. I stopped the car, under a huge sycamore, shed tears.

I actually cry.

I often shed tears for no reason. Especially when watching popular science, or science documentaries. When I watch it, I suddenly burst into tears.

I hate it when people recommend movies and say things like, "It's very touching," "Go see it," and "I'm crying. So I seldom watch those tear-jerking movies. There were times when I went to the cinema with my friends and they cried when they watched a movie about finding a child, a movie about a natural disaster, or a movie about a breakup, but I couldn't feel my own attitude at all in those movies. I occasionally give birth to the action of finding my own tear-jerkers. Every year around October is the salmon migration season on the west coast of North America, when waves of salmon swim backward from the sea to their homeland to spawn. I went to a roundup a few years ago, where a river channel was artificially cut by the Salmon Conservancy to provide a comfortable and hostile-free spawning environment for the salmon. I had a little expectation that my tears would come naturally, but by the time I saw a middle-aged woman with a red nose, I was born with a sense of bemusement.

It was so touching. She said to her husband. Then she received a deep, soothing hug.

I think they're going to go for salmon later. I said, not without malice, to Xu Kai.

What makes you think that?

Because I'm going to go eat salmon later.

Really?

Well, I want salmon. Or caviar, I said.

That day, maybe I ate too much, and in the middle of the night I threw up a lot. I took stomach pills, and when I woke up from my sleep in a daze, I opened my eyes and saw that Xu Kai was still sitting beside me, and suddenly there was liquid running down the end of my eyes.

Xu Kai hugged me, and it was as overwhelming as the hug the middle-aged woman got. I rolled over, pretending to still be uncomfortable, and pushed him away without a trace.

......

The full, wonderful article can be found in Contemporary, Issue 1, 2022