Stand-up comedy "Bargaining Shop" script

Tell a joke.

What's so funny? Have fun with you. Why are you happy? That's a lie. Tell the truth, lie with your eyes open. What is the most difficult thing in this business? Don't laugh, don't be shy, this is the purpose of cross talk. And said, "How do you say this?" What do you mean, shameless? What I said is wrong. We stared and said it was wrong. We know in our hearts that this is wrong. You must show the right expression on your face. Don't be ashamed. Originally it was a fake, but later it was said that it was afraid of being accused. At the same time, you are ashamed to say it. The second is not to laugh. How can you say you can't laugh? No one is happy from beginning to end, that's no good, we have to let you listen to coke, we can't be happy and make you happy; You're not happy. I can't tell you how happy I am here. That won't do.

Do you still want to learn crosstalk? Have to learn. First, we can't stop talking. You should be happy. Le, what's the fun? Are you happy? Look where? Look at the eyes. When they found crow's feet-like crow's feet, they were happy! You see, this man is always frowning, so he can't be happy. I said here that you have to help; I'm here to say that if you are angry with me and always look at me awkwardly, you will never be happy. Difficult!

What's so hard about talking? The difficulty lies in learning what people say. Look at your conversation. When you are listening, you know what he is doing in just five sentences. You can hear everything. What do you mean by that? You should learn to speak, have a local dialect and have time. The man said, "What is a local dialect and what is a time dialect?" You talk to your neighbors in the morning, morning, noon and evening. See you in the morning:

"Did you just get up?"

"Just got up."

It's noon. Before noon, "Have you eaten?"

"It is biased towards you."

It's night. See you after the lantern:

"Where haven't you slept?"

"Haven't slept yet."

It's time-sharing! Say what you want if you don't say it on time, and don't listen if it's useless. Early in the morning, this just pushed the door and came in. As soon as we met in the evening, we said:

"Wow, are you still awake?"

The man said, "Didn't you sleep? What did I do this night? "

It is time. Where is the local dialect? People in the street say people in the street. See people in the street:

"Shopping!"

The man said, "Yes."

"I'll rent a car for you."

"No, the front is right here."

"See you later."

"See you later. See you later. "

This is on the street. If you go to a restaurant, you will enter the gate:

"Wow, you guys? I will give it. "

This:

"I gave it."

This is sitting and standing:

"It's too late, let's eat together!"

This:

"I'm with someone. I'll add some dishes for you. "

"No, I'm full." 、

"Let's count together later."

"You're welcome, You're screwed.."

If you take this statement to the toilet, it will be full of twists and turns! This is what you said in the restaurant. You must behave yourself.

Talk, ask and answer questions, get together, and the more you say, the better; Call twice if you don't make peace. Speaking of wrangling, I have an uncle who specializes in wrangling. He has a shed shop in Beijing. The man said, "Your uncle has a shed. Is it a funeral business?" No, he shouldn't go to the funeral. He is not so pushy, but he likes talking and can knock people down. How to mention it? Seeking the truth. For example, no matter who you lift, you can't lift it in vain. You have to bet on something, just like playing with money. Anyway, he always wins every time he quarrels. In this way, my uncle enjoyed fame! In the old society, he had a nickname. What is that? This is called "lever head". No one can lift his lever! As soon as he became famous, he took four apprentices. These four disciples are all called bald heads. How can we separate? Big bar head, second bar head, third bar head, small bar head, and then my uncle, his name is old bar head! Wow, these five bar heads are well-known in Beijing, just in the bar room opened by dengshikou, the son of Dongsi archway!

In Beijing, which enjoys such a reputation, in the old society, a man came to argue with him. Who is it? Confucius, a saint in the old society, thought that bald head enjoyed such a great reputation in Beijing that he accepted four disciples, all of whom were called bald heads. No matter how hard he lifts it, he can't lift me. I must visit this drunkard.

Confucius is here! When Shengkong reached the door, the bartender gave way to the people inside and said, "Sit inside and have tea.

"I'm here to see your former boss."

"What do you want with him?"

"Talk to him."

"Who are you?"

Sign up, someone, someone. Wow! These four poles, hit the big pole and hit the small pole, dare not lift with him. Saint, great reputation! Invite the old man quickly and then invite my uncle!

As soon as my uncle entered the door, he saw the sage hole and bowed: "Oh, dear, your arrival today really lit up the straw house. Pour the tea!"

The sage said, "Don't mention it either. I'm here to talk to you today! " "

"Well, I dare not talk about it with you, but I'm opening a cabin. If I don't tell you, my business will be flat I have to talk to you for my business, right? Then, let's play together! "

The sage said, "Then why not? Bet ten dollars! " "

"all right."

My uncle asked the person in charge of the small bar to bring ten dollars, and the locker room took ten dollars to stay here! Saint, I also took out ten dollars from my waist and put it here. My uncle said, "How to lift the law?"

The sage said, "I also understand that this is gambling." I want to make you shorter. When I leave, I'll take you ten dollars. " If you want to ask me short, all my ten dollars are yours! "

"Well, please sit down."

The saint sat down.

"How can I lift it with you?"

The sage said, "You argue with me. If I ask you a short question, it's nothing new. You are an ordinary person, I am a saint! " ! You ask me, I answer you, the answer is full, that is, you lost, the answer is insufficient, that is, you knocked me down! "

"all right."

Sit here, two people. My uncle said:

"Supposedly dare not wrangle with you, today I'm sorry, wrangle with saints. How to lift the law? I will take this sentence from the sage, and everyone will lift it! "

"Hey, okay, I'll tell you what you don't understand!"

"Yes, yes." My uncle said, "old sage, I think you said this at the beginning: stay away from ghosts and gods, let's get rid of this ghost!" " "

"Well, what do you mean?"

"Away from ghosts and gods, why want to stay away from them? How do you say this? "

The sage said, "This thing is easy to understand. Believing in God is like being there. This ghost wasn't there at first. If you believe it, nothing. If you don't believe it, it's nothing. If you don't believe it, it's nothing. "

My uncle said, "This is not right! If you say stay away from ghosts and gods, you will believe, and if you don't believe, you will. This is not for you! "

"What?"

"Saint, you have to give us a way. Can you do both? Font color="#006699 "> An umbrella D told us to go east, and then pointed to the west, saying that we could just walk there. That's wrong! This ghost does exist, but it doesn't; You said you had and didn't. You occupied all the sides. How can you be a saint? If you believe, you have it, if you don't believe, you have it, but you don't. So is there? Say it! ? /p & gt；

The sage said, "No one has ever seen a ghost. If you don't see it, it's empty. If it is empty, it is nothing. Not wow! "

"Yes, you are right, this is you admit that there are no ghosts and gods! Since there is no, why are there ghosts and gods? Just say no, how can there be these two words? "

The sage said:

"If you can't see it, you can't say yes!"

"Oh, see not. You heard me talking to you. Where is this? Did you see this? Can you say that? This handful of herbs smells delicious. Where is it? What's that smell? Who saw it? All this has to be said. Needless to say, you live in air. Who can say there is no air? Without air, people will suffocate. What is the air like? Why not just say there are no ghosts? Why is there a wow in the air, a wow in the fragrance and a wow in the voice? "

The sage said:

"Then-ghosts and gods have to promise!"

"Ghosts and gods, what? How tall the ghosts are and what they look like. Where do you live? We send it a letter, can it reply to us? "

Saint, have nothing to say! The sage stood up, put down ten dollars and left!

Oh, my uncle-this old gangster is too powerful, enjoys his reputation and asks questions from saints! Has it been more than half a year? Here comes one taller than a saint! What? Fairy. Who is this fairy? There is a limping Li now. Li, the cripple, is very wronged. As soon as he heard that the boss was so famous, he recited all the saints. I have to find a place for the saints! Li Lai stood limping at the door, carrying a big gourd, limping the poor old road. Wow, the head of the small bar thinks this is charity:

"Master, there is no chance for monks and Taoists here, so I won't send them away."

The lame Li said, "Who asked you for food? Looking for you! "

"Oh, who are you?"

"lame Li!"

Oh, I have a good reputation. I dare not lift the lever. Find the old bar head quickly! The old bartender came and reached the door. He fuels:

"Oh, Li, please sit inside." Go inside, "pour the tea! What can I do for you today? "

"Don't mention it, let's forget it. I heard you won, saint. You can lift it. I'll call you today! "

My uncle said:

"Supposedly I dare not talk to you, you are a fairy! If I don't bring this up with you, I'll have to close the door. Now that you're here, I'll take a gamble with you ... "

"You bet ten dollars with the saint, and I bet ten dollars with you! I don't care about winning or losing, I want to turn this game around! "

"all right."

Take ten dollars and put it here, and so does lame Li.

"This rule ..."

"I know, wow, I want to stop you, I want to take money. Wow, you stopped me, so why are you here? "

"I want to fight here!"

"Lift it up!"

"You say I say?"

"I want to let you short, you let the fairy short fresh? Ask me what you don't understand, and I'll answer you. I am a fairy! "

"Well, it's very troublesome to fight here, so I'll take you there myself!"

"all right."

"Who are you?"

"lame Li!"

"What are you selling?"

"Nothing to sell!"

"So you are a fairy-the Eight Immortals. Why did the Eight Immortals bring that gourd?"

"Gourd is one of my treasures!"

"What's in your gourd?"

"Dan, then."

"Then what?"

"Then, Dan was refined by our monks."

"Why refine it?"

"Why? This medicine can revive the dead, and the dead can revive after taking this medicine, specializing in treating internal and external diseases. "

"You don't say, you don't say, you can treat both inside and outside, then why don't you straighten your legs? Why are you lame? Even if you can't cure yourself, you can cure others? "

Stop lame Lee!