2. Parents observe and understand their children by reviewing their childhood and comparing it with their childhood. This method greatly awakens our state as children, and makes us feel empathy, so as to better understand why children have seemingly "unreasonable" behaviors.
Many times we can't understand children's behavior, and usually we look at children from the perspective of adults. We try to measure whether a child's behavior is correct by taking us as a state with social experience, life experience and knowledge of the world.
We must clearly realize that with the growth of people's life, each of us's three views at different ages, including our understanding of ourselves and others, are constantly changing. It is a process of constant renewal. After living in different ages, each of us changed our ideas step by step and finally came to this state today.
What you observe depends on what you want to see.
So this is why this course is divided into two parts: objective observation and in-depth research when it comes to observation and research.
In fact, when we observe children, we will take them out as a separate existence to observe and study. But in a real sense, this child is closely related to us adults. The younger the child, the greater the connection with his parents. A child is like a mirror. What parents' work and rest and family environment are like, what children will naturally become. So, do you think we are observing children? Or observe for yourself?
The word "view" consists of "you" and "look". What does "see you again" mean?
In other words, we should go back to my childhood in the observation of children, or, in my childhood, we should go back to my childhood to see and really understand the present situation of children.
In fact, I think the real observation is to make some superficial phenomena emerge slowly and connect with each other. We often sometimes see the behavior of an isolated child, but we often forget that his behavior is closely related to his diet, his spatial environment, his daily routine, his daily rhythm, his family relationship, his parent-child relationship and his early life state. We tend to separate the child's current behavior from all this, so I don't think it's called "observation", it's just called "watching"
What's the difference between "er" and "person"?
The "crown" on the word "two" is open, and the word "person" is closed. Do you think the child (head) is open? When every baby is born, the fontanel is not closed, is it?
What's the difference between the word "er" and "person"? The lower half of the word "er" is asymmetrical. The word "human" is stable and symmetrical, indicating that the two feet below have been firmly rooted in the earth.
As can be seen from this glyph, the essence of the child is that the top is still in the sky, and the bottom is not completely separated from the earth and cannot stand up.
The upper part of the word "er" is not sealed, which shows that the child's mind and child's nature have not been completely "settled" into the body-the mind has not been completely finalized. Because children have a lot of ideas, but because ideas are not "shaped", the "overhead" is open, waiting for something to come in and complete the shaping process. The process from "two" to "human" is the process that the upper part of the "canopy" is slowly "closed" and gradually "hardened".
So this simple fact reminds us that children's ideas are not very realistic. It is precisely the most unrealistic that we put forward various requirements for our children with realistic ideas. Children's ideas will be simply expressed in his practices and his language: children like to play, like to explore and like to discover-this is one of the essence of childhood. Childhood does not understand rules and regulations, and is full of curiosity about everything: because children are born from the sky, they are unfamiliar with the real world, and their awareness of safety, society and body is relatively weak, and their "nature" has not yet been "formed".
Comparing the difference between "two" and "full", the difference between "top-down" and "bottom-up" is quite obvious.
Children are very soft when they are born, which is completely different from us adults. Children grow up in amniotic fluid in infancy, which is a floating and safe environment. The process of production is to make him accept pressure and harden, and it is the first initial attempt to adapt to this planet. The squeezing of the birth canal is like a wake-up call, letting him enter a new real world. After that, the growth will gradually experience what we call "three turns, six sitting, seven lying and eight running": that is, the child's body can slowly feed itself and gradually walk and take root in the land of the real world.
This process is a bottom-up force, corresponding to the top-down force above, and these two forces just work together to make "two" gradually become "people". Interest, nature and desire from above, as well as strength, courage and limbs from below, are actually a process of gradual integration: the process of integration from top to bottom.
What will happen in this process of unification?
In the first half, under the realistic experience, the unconstrained thoughts will gradually become more orderly, fashionable, realistic logical and moral order. The power from the second half also has a certain degree of confusion, which needs to be gradually orderly. When the child was born, the coordination between the arm and the instep was very chaotic, and then slowly separated. When the child starts to move his left hand, his right hand should also move; Even if your hands move, your feet will move; I often move my limbs. Sometimes when I see a child sucking milk, my feet and hands seem to be shaking. There is a saying in China: "This boy is sucking milk with all his strength", which means that the child's body is not harmonious, and there is no separation and confusion.
Someone asked Einstein, "Doctor, I want to train my children to be as creative as you. What should I do for my children? " Einstein replied, "Look at fairy tales."
Mother replied, "I'm asking you seriously, old man." Stop joking. I want my children to be like you, even more than you! " "Einstein said more seriously," then read more fairy tales. "
Nowadays, children are spending time learning Chinese characters, memorizing three-character classics and learning all kinds of things. These premature intellectual developments will atomize the child's imagination and make him lose his original flexibility. So, when such a group of children grow up, do they create much? Or simply copy and imitate? I think this may also be the reason why children now look smarter and precocious, but there are fewer and fewer experts in this era.
Therefore, it is necessary to maintain a complete acceptance of children's ideas, thoughts and concepts. It's not illegal to think wrong anyway! For them, there is no right or wrong at this time. They are in a state of experiencing and trying: they are thinking and playing. If we can fully accept children's ideas and give them full freedom of thinking, then in a sense, we are inviting and accepting children's spiritual thoughts, his talent and nature (this top-down power). Deny children's ideas, and children may find their ideas unacceptable and incorrect.
The more you bind your child, the more you are actually destroying his imagination. The more you reject and reject your child in language, the more it actually prevents your child from becoming a free and creative person. At present, the so-called standard answer in exam-oriented education has greatly atomized the development of children's imagination and creativity, which deserves our reflection.
What kind of power does the second half represent?
Children stumble, act irresponsibly, dance and even run amok. This can be said to be a child's natural willpower-a chaotic action force, but full of vitality. This needs us to straighten it out slowly.
Which is more influential, words and deeds or role models? How many parents lead their children with their mouths and how many with their hands? Using your hands is not to say that he did something wrong, but to guide him in the right direction. Because no matter how many languages you have, he may not understand what your language describes, because he has no experience in this world. Moreover, we adults often sigh that "we have heard a lot of truth, but we still can't live a good life."
Therefore, in the face of children's disorderly behavior of exploring the world, we should talk less and do more. If you must be guided by language, you should try to tell him what he can and should do, instead of simply preventing him from doing anything.
There are more and more people with autism now. I think it may have something to do with us adults trying to change our children's minds, but we didn't give him enough guidance in action. Often deny children's ideas, children will feel that "the world does not welcome me." Over time, his strength could not be guided to "stay" and floated in mid-air.
In my opinion, children with autism are like sleepwalking. In fact, many children have this tendency, but the degree is different. Including many adults, there are many unrealistic ideas that cannot be implemented. Many ideas are locked out of the body and cannot enter their own actions. Another possibility is that the mind is locked in the body, so it is stubborn and can't let go of it. It's a bit like obsessive-compulsive disorder. Their thoughts can't be changed, adjusted and relaxed. You can see that there are many such tensions in this era, and they are entangled in children when they encounter a little change.
Of course, when we say "yes", we mean accepting him ideologically, not completely agreeing with all his actions. Thought is free, even if it is wrong, it is not illegal, but it has consequences on the practical level. Can a person do what he wants? What if he wants to swim in the shark pool?
Children's willpower is much weaker than that of adults. Many of his practices just want to try and use this body, because only by repeatedly using this body can he use this body freely in the future. So let's not stop him from moving, just give him a direction of kinetic energy. If the teacher sits next to the child and says that his fingers rhyme when the child is making trouble in class, the child will be attracted to him immediately. This action of the teacher is equivalent to telling the child what you can do now.
"Yes" means to emphasize what children can do. Because when you tell your child not to do such a thing, it will make the child have a great psychological misunderstanding, which is equivalent to telling the child not to open this door, but the child is full of curiosity and exploration about the door of the unknown real world. For a simpler example, when the teacher said, now don't think about a little white rabbit with red eyes! Never think of a white rabbit with red eyes! Can you hold back your thoughts?
Therefore, when you tell your child not to do something, you actually give the child a hint map. When you say don't push the door, you are actually telling the child that there is a door that he doesn't know. And what's more troublesome is not to think about the little white rabbit with red eyes, then I don't know what to think! A clever friend thought: I can think of a black rabbit with gray eyes as a substitute, so I won't think of a white rabbit with red eyes.
So when we don't want our child to do anything, we should talk less about what he is not allowed to do. But what about the other way around? Tell him, "What can you do?" .
When we tell a child what not to do, it's simple: you just have to stop him. But it is not easy when you need to tell him what he can do, because you need to think about what is suitable for him, what he can do, whether it is suitable for his age, whether it can nourish his growth, whether it will hurt himself or others, whether it can promote his development in all aspects, and so on.
Many parents give their children tablets or mobile phones directly in order not to disturb their children. This practice is really easy, but the harm to children is huge:
First, the child is physically inactive. Children are naturally active, and long-term rest against his growth law will suppress his vitality or hinder the normal release of his energy. However, children always need some time to release these energies. Children may be particularly active when studying or eating or sleeping.
Second, he should have accepted healthy social activities, but he was exposed to unhealthy social ways. Children should associate with teachers and parents first, and then with others. Adults' social patterns will affect children's social patterns with others in the future. However, the screen deprives adults and children of meaningful, conscious and quality social time, and also implants bad social thinking into children in a preconceived way-interaction requires two-way communication, while children make choices in one direction, such as watching dramas and cartoons, and there is no meaningful language communication in this process. And he can turn it off at any time when he doesn't like it, but can he turn it off at any time? Will children have a healthy social way when they grow up? Can the mind be pure? It is suggested that interested friends can read that book-"Who is accompanying children to grow up". This book details the profound influence of media and screens on children. Through various surveys and big data, I will not go into details here.
So saying "yes" can not only help children, but also nourish them, but it is a challenge for us adults: we need to lead children in action and protect their health. But this is the love of parents for their children's fashion.
Take "example" to say the meaning of "energy";
Children's thoughts are free (out of the above nature), but their actions need to be constantly cultivated and shaped in an atmosphere of love. Nature above is invisible freedom, and action below is visible. When we have a more specific and profound understanding of love and freedom, we have a clearer understanding and a more practical way to achieve it. Let children be free in thought, wait for their thoughts to "settle down" and gradually behave ethically.
In fact, I also believe that children's language can be relatively free if it is not particularly aggressive. Language is a way for children to express their thoughts. He is too young to be responsible for his own language. But what he did belongs to his action category, and we need to lead, lead with love, and cultivate stereotypes with examples.
For example, when children throw things upstairs, many mothers always emphasize that they can't throw them down, and then their mothers go downstairs to pick them up. Mother tried to suppress his thoughts, but she didn't control his actions. The correct way should be to understand him-he just wants to experience this thing falling, but he doesn't know what the consequences are. We should guide the child and let him know the consequences-mom will accompany you down to pick it up; If something breaks or hurts someone, mom will take you down to clean it up and apologize.
In the process of making up for the mistakes caused by his actions, a child will gradually realize that his recent actions are based on the need for other remedial actions.
Let's take another example: children always get rice grains everywhere when they eat. Instead of telling him, tell him, "Come on, pick them up." The more a child drops, the longer it takes to pick it up, so that he can know that food drops have consequences. These practices carried out after observing children are not only full of acceptance of children's concepts, but also enable us to understand and understand the nature of childhood and children.
Text communication is to wrap him in warm language, make him feel that you love him, conform to him and comfort him, but don't try to convince him. Many times, when words are weak, we should use our own examples to guide him to "live in" correctly. Because in the end, a person needs to change his behavior by his own ideas.
In this way, he not only explores what he wants to do in his own "natural" thoughts, but also knows the consequences of taking action at will, so he understands what the real world should do, and then the correct thoughts will "live in", so that his subsequent behavior will conform to the order and norms of the real world.
The word "child" is divided into "standing" and "inside": childhood is a process of standing inside.
Many parents are eager for their children to grow up quickly, but who wants to teach a two-year-old child who can't take care of himself to play the piano? Self-care is the foundation. People should be able to stand on their own feet first, and their inner strength will become strong. The inner strength mentioned here refers to imagination, mobility, social communication ability, and a series of abilities to take care of yourself, including taking care of your actions and things, taking care of your inner feelings, flexible thinking and so on. These advantages are what we really need in childhood. This requires us to accept the "natural" thought above the child and lead the chaotic forces under the child to achieve him with firm love.
Children's ideas in "nature" may be unconstrained, which requires the debugging of the material world, and his ideas can become in line with reality and moral order. Because people really live on the earth and society, the strength and willpower of people's actions come from the earth, and the so-called fullness is strong. However, the beginning of action is chaotic, so children's chaotic actions are debugged by thoughts from above until they become more and more orderly. In fact, both of them need to be debugged, and eventually they will become one, which is in line with reality: fantasy will become creative and orderly logical thinking, and chaotic action will become moral and orderly action.
We usually joke that "this person is a little stupid", which generally means that we can't understand this person's thoughts and actions well. Which means this person is a little split. Reckless action, unrealistic ideas. I think this is a state in which thoughts and actions are not fully integrated. How to solve it? It is the "words and deeds" mentioned above.
Don't let the child's thoughts be bound, but guide his actions so that he won't hurt himself, others and the environment. One day, the concept fully accepted by the child will slowly move into his chaotic body and control himself. I think this process is never too late.
People who don't usually accept other people's ideas are also used to blaming others and are easy to blame themselves. Friends who are easy to blame their children often don't accept their own ideas.
If you want to adjust, use action. For things that have passed, don't regret or blame yourself. Accepting yourself frankly is a kind of freedom. It is a sign of love to meet children's needs with actions, and at the same time to meet their own needs with actions. In this way, we become free and loving people. When we treat ourselves with freedom and love, we can treat our children with love and freedom, and also treat the people around us with love and freedom.
This course is not just about observing and studying children. Through observing and studying children, we can also find ourselves, perceive the children hidden in ourselves, give love and care to our inner children, and make ourselves a truly loving and free person.
Author: Yuan Bin. The article was published in @ Angel Online College.