There are three people in the family, who are called robbers and kitchen knives respectively. Trouble
One day, Trouble disappeared. The robber came to the public security bureau with a kitchen knife and said to the police, "Hello, I'm a robber. I brought a kitchen knife to make trouble."
Hee hee and Haha are good friends, very good friends.
One day, Haha died. Sitting from the starting point to the terminal, I feel calm all the way. But when I got off at the terminal, I found a note in my pants: "It's not shameful to lose an adult when he goes out without anything." -"
Tuesday, I took a broken wallet with 1 cents in it. When I arrived at the terminal, I found that the money was still there, and a note was stuffed in my wallet: "We are not beggars, please don't insult our profession. -"
On Wednesday, I still broke my wallet, which contained 111 counterfeit bills. When I arrived at the terminal, I found that the money was still there, and a note was stuffed in my wallet: "It is illegal to keep a large face value and make a fake copy. Please consciously hand it in to the relevant department. -"
On Thursday, I took an envelope, which contained a stack of overdue straits talent newspapers. When I arrived at the terminal, I found that the envelope was still there. I took out the newspaper and read it. The newspaper was replaced by the latest straits talent newspaper, with a note: "Now is the consulting era. Only by updating the information in time can we seize the opportunity and win success! -"
On Friday, I put a toy mobile phone in my pocket. After arriving at the terminal, the mobile phone was still there, and there was an extra note: "Please don't make this joke and affect the normal work of our company. -"
On Saturday, I took a toy pistol and stuck it in my waist. When I arrived at the terminal, I found that the gun was gone and a note was stuffed in my waistband: "The most annoying thing about you robberies is that you have no technical content at all! Confiscate the tools of crime! -"
On Sunday, I was getting ready to get on the bus, but there were too many people to squeeze in. While waiting for the next bus, I felt in my pocket and found that there was an extra 21 yuan, and there was a note: "Big Brother, it's not easy to be in our business all day. Here's 21 yuan. You can take a taxi wherever you want. Please don't fool us again."
Three mice are bragging. One said, "I eat rat poison as candy, and I feel uncomfortable if I don't eat it for a day." The other one said, "I love walking around the street twice a day or I can't sleep well." The third mouse said, "It's getting late, so go home and hug the cat to sleep."
The husband and wife are fighting for their children after divorce. The wife confidently said, "If the child comes out of my stomach, of course it belongs to me!" The husband said, "Joke! This is sheer nonsense. Can the money withdrawn from the ATM go to the ATM? It's not who inserts the card! ?
A mother said to the little girl, "If someone sexually harasses you, touch the top and say" no ",and touch the bottom and say" stop "!
The next day, the little girl was sexually harassed and came back to her mother in tears. After listening to the little girl's words, her mother said angrily, "Did you refuse that person?"
The little girl looked at her mother with innocent eyes, nodded and said, "That man touched up and down together, so I said," Don't stop! !
Ge Liang is a man who is proficient in eight unique skills, one of which is ventriloquism. On this day, Zhuge Liang was having a discussion with Liu Bei, and Zhuge Liang suddenly wanted to fart.
I'm sorry for being afraid of being heard by Liu Bei. He had a brainwave and said, "Master, how about I call you like a woodpecker in order to adjust the atmosphere?" Liu Bei nodded.
Zhuge Liang barked twice like a woodpecker, and took the opportunity to fart. Then he asked, "What's the matter, Master? Do I learn like it? " Liu Bei said, "Learn it again. You farted too loudly just now. I didn't hear you."
A primary school student was very nervous when he participated in the school recitation competition for the first time. The teacher encouraged him for a long time, but his palms still sweated. It's finally her turn.
The pupil gritted his teeth and walked a few steps to the center of the stage: "Teachers and classmates, the topic I recited was: Red leaves are crazy (maple) ..." ~ ~ # RMB * * ...
As a pupil, I was particularly envious when I saw the students who were asked by the teacher to read the composition, and I always hoped that the teacher would let me read it once. The opportunity has finally come.
"So-and-so, read your composition to everyone!"
Pupils suddenly stood up: "My teacher". Teacher, I look like your mother ... ":(
This time, I am an unskilled host of a song and dance troupe.
a performance, and I hurried on stage without proper preparation.
the performances are performed in turn.
It's her turn to announce the curtain: "Audience friends, let's listen to the flute of Duzi ..." (Note: "Duzi" means swearing in Northeast dialect)
The audience dumped a piece of scallion-
My family often planted it in pots in winter to keep it fresh and tender.
My sister saw it when she came home for the Spring Festival, and she said to my mother with joy, "Hey! Mom, it's so rough ... "
My mom and I both laughed.
There is a neighbor named "Aunt" who goes to work by bike every day.
Early in the morning, I met her at the door. I smiled and said politely, "Grandmother, big class ..."
Bah! ..... I wanted to bite my tongue off.
jane doe, a classmate, took pity on her shadow one day and suddenly turned to the person behind her and said, "Is my chest hair beautiful?"
Startled, he said, "Oh, I want to ask if my eyebrows are fierce."
all rise! Play the national flag, raise the national anthem ...
There is also a sentence from a Russian writer's novel: All the houses here belong to the lords (referring to the rich).
As a result, one of my male classmates read aloud: All the houses here belong to old men. As soon as the voice fell, our Chinese teacher asked him doubtfully: Where do the old ladies live?
Electrical appliances hold a joke telling contest, stipulating that every electrical appliance should tell a joke, and let every audience at the scene laugh, otherwise they will be arrested in Aruba.
The washing machine came on first. As soon as he finished his joke, the whole audience burst into laughter.
Suddenly I heard the rice cooker say, "It's so cold ~ ~"
So the washing machine was taken to Aruba.
Next came the cleverest computer. As soon as his joke was finished, all the home appliances laughed.
I heard the rice cooker say, "It's so cold."
So! The computer was also taken to Aruba.
the third place is the most humorous desk lamp. The desk lamp finished the joke confidently, and everyone laughed until they rolled on the ground.
The rice cooker said, "It's so cold ~ ~"
Just as the desk lamp was about to be taken to Aruba, the rice cooker stood up angrily and turned to the refrigerator sitting behind him and said, "I've had enough. Laugh and laugh. Don't open your mouth so wide. It's cold!"
Electrical appliances hold a joke telling contest, stipulating that every electrical appliance should tell a joke, and let every audience at the scene laugh, otherwise they will be arrested in Aruba.
The washing machine came on first. As soon as he finished his joke, the whole audience burst into laughter.
Suddenly I heard the rice cooker say, "It's so cold ~ ~"
So the washing machine was taken to Aruba.
Next came the cleverest computer. As soon as his joke was finished, all the home appliances laughed.
I heard the rice cooker say, "It's so cold."
So! The computer was also taken to Aruba.
the third place is the most humorous desk lamp. The desk lamp finished the joke confidently, and everyone laughed until they rolled on the ground.
The rice cooker said, "It's so cold ~ ~"
Just as the desk lamp was about to be taken to Aruba, the rice cooker stood up angrily and turned to the refrigerator sitting behind him and said, "I've had enough. Laugh and laugh. Don't open your mouth so wide. It's cold!"
Electrical appliances hold a joke telling contest, stipulating that every electrical appliance should tell a joke, and let every audience at the scene laugh, otherwise they will be arrested in Aruba.
The washing machine came on first. As soon as he finished his joke, the whole audience burst into laughter.
Suddenly I heard the rice cooker say, "It's so cold ~ ~"
So the washing machine was taken to Aruba.
Next came the cleverest computer. As soon as his joke was finished, all the home appliances laughed.
I heard the rice cooker say, "It's so cold."
So! The computer was also taken to Aruba.
the third place is the most humorous desk lamp. The desk lamp finished the joke confidently, and everyone laughed until they rolled on the ground.
The rice cooker said, "It's so cold ~ ~"
Just as the desk lamp was about to be taken to Aruba, the rice cooker stood up angrily and turned to the refrigerator sitting behind him and said, "I've had enough. Laugh and laugh. Don't open your mouth so wide. It's cold!"
ugly child
a woman got on the bus with a child in her arms. The driver glanced at the child and suddenly said, "I have never seen such an ugly child in my life!" "
The angry woman went to the last row, sat down and said to a man next to her, "This driver just insulted me!" "
The man replied, "Go and get even with him at once, and I'll hold this ugly monkey for you! ..... "
Jokes that can't speak Mandarin well
1. The fish seller shouted at the top of his voice," Fish, fish. " Not to be outdone, a jujube seller next to him immediately shouted, "Shit (jujube), shit (jujube)." "Fish." "Oh,no." "Fish." "Shit." The more the fish seller listened, the more wrong he became. He felt that the jujube seller seemed to be deliberately against him, so they quarreled.
2. The director of a township enterprise will visit Kobe, Japan. He can't even speak Mandarin, but usually only speaks dialects. So he asked his subordinates to find an interpreter, and when they came back, they reported that "none of the Japanese translators could understand the factory director's dialect". The factory director said, "It's easy. We'll bring another teacher from our town and ask him to translate our dialect into Mandarin first." The subordinate said, "Not yet. When I get to Japan, I have to ask someone to translate Japanese Putonghua into Kobe dialect. "
3. A foreigner with a strong dialect got lost in the city. When he saw a gentle young lady coming, he greeted him and asked," Rabbit (comrade), give me a kiss (excuse me) ... "Before the words were finished, the young lady blushed with anger.
4. A southerner came to a snack bar in Beijing and said to the waitress, "How much is it to sleep for one night (a bowl of dumplings)? "Hearing this, the waiter changed his look and screamed," Rogue! "When the southerners heard this, they said," It's only sixty cents. It's cheap. Come for one night (bowl). "
5. A pair of brother and sister farmers were pulling wheat to the market on a scooter. A southerner came to their brother and sister and asked," Brother, how much is your little sister (wheat)? "Eldest brother was so angry that the veins stood out on his forehead.
6. The old man Niu is shouting, "I'm selling moon cakes, four dollars for ten. "Many people gathered around to buy this" cheap "moon cake, and when they paid for it, they realized that the old man's moon cake was four yuan for ten dollars.
7. Old people in nursing homes held a party on the Mid-Autumn Festival night. The host, Mrs. Wang, said, "Ladies and gentlemen, the performance is damn (starting). Please be quiet. "
8. A northerner inquired where the" cable car "was in a park in Guangzhou. According to the answer, he found the" men's room ".
9. On the first morning after a couple got married, the family got up to wash their faces. The bride respectfully said to her mother-in-law, "Mother-in-law, please die (wash) first. "Say that finish, the bride said to the groom:" Mother-in-law is dead, will you die? "After a pause, I said," My mother-in-law and you both died, and finally I died. "After hearing this, my mother-in-law was livid and couldn't say a word. The bride said, "Mother-in-law, why aren't you dead? "
11. An old lady in Putian was selling sugar cane by the roadside. A bus stopped. A foreigner in the bus came to the old lady's stall to buy sugar cane. Just after weighing the sugar cane, the bus started without paying. The old lady urged, "Come on, give me the money and I'll marry you.". "Outsiders were so scared that they didn't even take sugar cane and got on the bus quickly.
11, a country girl came to the supermarket, and the waiter warmly greeted her: "What do you want, miss? "The girl said," I want your life (noodles), pig grandson (bamboo shoots). "
12. Chunhua met a friend who was shopping with her son. She hurried forward to say hello and praised," This little wolf boy (boy) is really cute. "
13, a rural primary school started class, and the teacher came into the classroom:" Stand (attend) class. "The students chorus:" It's good to die of old age (teacher)! "The teacher said," Students who vomited blood, it is good to die early (on)! "
14. Two country girls came back from the city. It was late. When they saw a truck coming, they waved to it. The driver leaned out and one girl said," Comrade, can we be your wives (car)? "The driver said grumpily," Who wants you to be my wife? "Another girl quickly said," Never mind, we are very close. "The driver was so angry that he drove away, thinking," Who will go with you? "
15. The village chief said at the villagers' meeting," Rabbits, shrimps, pickles are too expensive, not pickles, but pig's feet. "Translating his dialect into Mandarin is: Comrades and villagers, let's have a meeting now, don't talk, pay attention.
when my friend and I first moved, there was no TV at home, so we were bored. Let's pretend that there is a TV set on the desk, and then the two pretend that they have a remote control and can change the channel. This son of a bitch kept changing channels. I told him, but he didn't listen. Then we started fighting.
The teacher asked Xiao Ming a question in class, but Xiao Ming stood up without saying a word.
teacher: Xiao Ming?
teacher: Xiao Ming
teacher: Xiao Ming! What's wrong with you? Do you know the answer or not? At least let me know!
Xiao Ming: Zhi ~
Three rabbits poop
The first one is long.
the second is only spherical.
The third one is actually a triangle.
q, it answers: I pinched it with my hand.
Pig Bajie was making out with Chang 'e on the moon when suddenly a dark shadow passed by. Pig Bajie hurried out with a rake
and came back after a while, saying, Damn it, Yang Liwei ...
A man had a parrot, which was very powerful, and all the other birds he had shut up with were killed by it.
Later, the owner brought back an eagle and put it together. When the owner came to see it, the parrot's hair hung outside the cage.
The host said, "Not this time. "
But on closer inspection, the eagle died, and the parrot said naked," This grandson is really amazing. You really can't beat Ya Ting without taking off your arms. "
" Have you ever heard the joke that the big pig said yes and the little pig said no? "Most people will answerno.
Today, I was playing CS in an Internet cafe. Not far away, two non-mainstream people were playing hard. Press the keyboard with a bang! I'm very upset!
so, I also started to press the keyboard! I pressed it hard! Press hard! Press faster than them! Louder than them!
they couldn't help looking over. I glanced at them with contempt! They changed their faces and gave me a hard look! I'll stare back at you right away!
they are livid.