When arguing, the difference between a man and a woman is like the difference between a rifle and a machine gun. Some humorous sentences can make you feel better when you are upset. The following are funny sentences I recommend, welcome to read! Humorous jokes

1) Life is a slap in the face, which wakes people up from their dreams. . .

2) Whether others are willing to contribute to you is his mentality. You can't ask for feedback immediately because of what you have done. That's greed.

3) There are only two kinds of people who suffer from insomnia: one is holding a mobile phone in his hand, and the other is having a theater in his head.

4) When I was a child, I wanted to watch TV, but I could only watch news broadcast and flying tigers with my parents. Finally, I am the master of my own house, and I can only watch Pleasant Goat and Logger Vick with my children!

5) The leader is eloquent and gushing on the stage. The host suggested several times that the people below applauded, but everyone didn't respond at all. Suddenly, there was a loud clap from below. Then, thunderous applause sounded ... The leader looked very proud. The applause stopped, and someone below whispered, "It's just a mosquito. I didn't expect everyone to clap their hands!" "

6) One elder sister knew that her husband didn't cry or make trouble after having three children. She just signed up for two interest classes for her children, got two beauty cards for herself, bought an accident insurance for two old people, and bought brand-name bags and clothes for herself. Her husband was not super rich, so the expenses could not be limited. Therefore, the third girl was dissatisfied and the two broke up. This elder sister only said one thing afterwards: "Hehe, spend more money than me?"

7) A company recruited employees, and hundreds of college students rushed to announce themselves: "I am from Peking University." "I am a Jiaotong University." "I am Zhejiang University. ""I'm Tsinghua. "Suddenly a girl shouted," I am Bo Da! "As soon as the chairman struck the table, he said," It's your turn. Come to my office to talk. " As soon as she entered the office, the girl showed the certificate of Ningbo University to the chairman ...

8) The corrupt official took the farmer to the office building: Dude, arrange a position for my brother. Director: Why? Farmer: Well, my name is Android, and I'm here to get permission. The director nodded his head. Soon after, corrupt officials and farmers were imprisoned for this matter. Farmer: Brother, I can lift my authority and go out, but what will you do? Corrupt officials smiled: You forget, I am an iphone, and I can escape from prison.

9) There is a colleague whose surname is Wen, and everyone usually calls him Brother Wen. Another colleague, whose last word is Bo, is called Bobo by everyone. One day they met. Bobo: Hello bra! Bra: Hello Bobo! Bobo: I'll rely on you to cover it from now on! Bra: You're welcome! I'll depend on you in the future.

11) Students are dragged to the corridor for education by the teacher while sleeping in class. The angry teacher wanted to hit him after a few mouthfuls. The classmate shouted, "Dare you hit someone?" Teacher: "What about hitting you? Does anyone know if I hit you?"? Does anyone know if I hit you? " The students thought about it ... and then the teacher was sent to the hospital! Funny sentence

1) Tourists see a street sign that says, "The road is closed, so we can't move forward." Seeing that there were no obstacles ahead, he was confident that he had rich travel experience and moved on. Soon, he found a bridge broken and had to turn around. When he came to the place where the signpost had just been placed, he saw on the back of the signpost: "Welcome back, fool."

2) When I was in high school, I was the last one in my class. I never came to school, but spent all my time in Internet cafes. But it is strange that he comes to every exam and never misses it. Later, we found out that the penultimate member of the class would go to the Internet cafe to give the penultimate member a dollar before each exam and ask him to take the exam!

3) My son was sleeping when he suddenly touched my chest and suddenly said, Little bitch, I'm back. Instantly petrified, three black lines hung from the top of the head to the foot. Tell my husband quietly: don't watch those messy TVs. My husband laughed wildly and said, What? That's the line of Big Big Wolf in Pleasant Goat and Big Big Wolf: Lambs, I'm back!

4) Wang Lite doesn't like her friends to call her by her full name, because she thinks it looks unfamiliar. So everyone usually calls her by her nickname "Lily". Once, a friend called her: "Wang Li!" " She immediately prompted, "No, you have to call me by my nickname." After a few seconds of silence, I saw the friend softly shouting, "Xiao Ming ..."

5) One day, my boyfriend was sitting on the train bound for new york, and he was the only one in the carriage. Suddenly, a big man rushed in from the back carriage, put a knife to Larry's neck and threatened: Want money or die? My boyfriend was shaking with fear and answered with trembling hands: I … I don't have any money on me. Then why are you shaking? The big fellow thundered. I ... I thought you were a ticket inspector!

6) I ran into the street with my girlfriend, an idiot, and came to a discount store. My girlfriend took a fancy to one and asked the boss how much it was. Boss: "After the discount!" The idiot girlfriend asked the boss, "Is there a bank near you?" Boss: "Yes" idiot girlfriend: "Why don't you grab it!"

7) There are three of us on the train, and I just want to go to the toilet. My wife has just made instant noodles. She means that after I go to the toilet, let me hold the baby and she will eat noodles. She said directly, "Hurry up, I'm waiting to eat.". The result is hilarious.

8) A brother went to the toilet and ended up in the ladies' room by mistake. When he got in, he found that there was no urinal, which made him feel wrong. Fortunately, there was no one in the ladies' room. He walked out casually. When I was opening the door, I met a mm who came in. He met him face to face, turned red and lowered his head, and went to drill into the men's room.

9) My little nephew didn't study hard and was severely criticized and educated by his brother-in-law. Then the little nephew whispered to himself, "There are three kinds of stupid birds in this world, the first one flies first, and the second one doesn't fly. Then I asked him, is there a third kind? He looked at his brother-in-law, and said, "The third kind lays eggs, pinning their hopes on the next generation ..."

11) The frog MM and her elephant boyfriend were watching TV at home when they heard a knock at the door. The elephant opened the door and saw a snail standing at the door. He picked up the snail and whizzed it away. One day three years later, there was a knock at the door. The elephant opened the door and saw the snail again. The snail said, "What happened to you just now? Why did you throw me away?"

11) I have a sister paper for many years, and I was particularly ticklish since I was a child. I once went to an old Chinese doctor for massage, and I was in a separate room. He was an uncle in his fifties and sixties. When I went to bed, he pushed my throat and pushed my throat. After half a minute, he couldn't help but say, I won't charge you. Go, I'm a man with a reputation ...

12. While burying the elephant, the ant wept bitterly: "Kill a thousand knives. Why did you go so early? I buried you if I didn't do anything else in my life! "

13) There is a one-and-a-half-year-old girl in my colleague's house who is in the process of milking. In the morning, my daughter clamored for milk, but my colleagues firmly disagreed. My daughter went to the bedroom crying for a while, and came back in a minute, holding a dollar in her hand, looking at her colleagues piteously and saying, Mom, I'll just drink a dollar ...

14) A developer died and went to heaven. When he arrives in heaven, he wants to have tea with God. God thinks that he is too creative and will disturb heaven. If he refuses to have tea with him, he will be sent to hell. Just a week later, the king of Yan came to the door sweating profusely: God, get him out of here quickly. God asked: What's the matter? Yan said: Eighteen floors, all changed into underground commercial streets!

15) The Chinese teacher said that if you love someone, you don't buy water for them after class, you don't send it around, you don't go out to sing and chat for dinner on weekends, but you should be an excellent person. In the future, there may be others who love her. What you have to do is to compare everyone else. You have to be excellent, better than others. Believe that the future is not only unknown, but love can change reality. I feel weak in an instant.

16) A man went to the hospital for an examination and said he had a bad stomach. The doctor asked, "What's wrong with your stomach?" The man said painfully, "I eat cucumbers and pull cucumbers, eat watermelons and pull pumpkins." In short, what to eat and pull. " The doctor frowned, thought for a while and said, "Then you have to eat shit!" "

17) Today, a clever young woman brought her one-year-old son Zhengtai to the orchard to buy cherries. The young woman tasted a cherry and said, "What cherry is this? It doesn't smell like fart!" I haven't responded yet, and her son said, "It's not like spending money on fart, of course it doesn't smell like fart!"

18) One day by the roadside, a beautiful woman pulled her hand: "Handsome guy, do me a favor. My ex is pestering me, so you can pretend to be my husband!" Seeing that she was so delicate and touching, she agreed. Entering the store, she winked at me: honey, wait for me, I'll be right back. I readily answered. But she didn't answer for a long time, so I was ready to leave, and was pulled by the salesperson: settle your wife's account before leaving. Damn it ... < P > 19) I took the exam in advance at the end of the term. Although the teacher who came to the prison was a classroom teacher, he didn't know the students, and something wonderful happened. There was a classmate in the class who was very old-fashioned, sitting in the last row, wearing a suit during the exam, just like a teacher. Ten minutes after the exam, he didn't do any questions. When he saw how there was a teacher at the back of the supervisor's exam in front, he went to the office and asked the department secretary what was going on. When he came back, the students had almost copied it.

21) My grandmother loves me very much. On the first day of school, she won a handful of Zizyphus jujuba in my pocket. No one told me that I couldn't eat in primary school, and then the teacher gave me a lecture and I ate when I was bored. Then the teacher took the textbook and left me without looking at me, and put his hand in front of me. I didn't understand the meaning, so I spit the jujube pit in the teacher's hand ... and then I went to the penalty station with honor.

21) a: what's the matter? It's like losing money. B said: I really lost money. Yesterday, my wife found out about the bonus paid by the company, and it's all gone! A: It's careless to hide private money. I taught you. B said: I learned from you and hid it in a computer speaker, but my wife still found out. A: Really? Let her see it when you hide it? How did she know? B: She said it was obvious at a glance, but there was no ash on the speaker, so it was designated to be hidden there.

22) A group of unmarried female teachers are discussing how to educate their children after marriage in the office. They all say that they will understand, trust and set their children free. As a result, the only teacher who got married and had a child of 21 said, "Forget it, it can't be done. Before I gave birth to my son, I thought that I must not physically punish my child and be a gentle mother, but now my son is almost killed by me. "

23) After the princess was awakened by the kiss, she lived happily with the prince forever. She accompanied her king through various invasions, rebellions and economic crises … and repelled the king's lovers. She gave birth to five children and brought them up. The king got Alzheimer's disease. She pushed him for a walk in the garden, and their love was told in the world. After her death, she became a legend, and her epitaph said, "Whoever fucking kisses me again, I will be anxious with him!" "

24) A child asked a rich man, Sir, why are you so rich? The rich man said: when I was a child, I had nothing like you. My father gave me an apple, so I sold it, bought two more apples with the money I earned, and then sold it to buy four more apples. The child mused and said, Sir, I seem to understand. Mr. millionaire said: You know your sister. Later, my father died, and I inherited all his inheritance ... < P > 25) In the morning, a girl from the company went to the barber shop to have a short hair cut, and ran to the office in high spirits to show off and shouted, "What do you think of my cool head?" Everyone burst into laughter, and my sister blushed and ran away.

26) When I was in high school, my deskmate had breakfast and the last bite, and my mouth was full. In fact, the eye-catching teacher has long been eyeing him. Let him answer the question as soon as he has finished stuffing it. Big brother has a full mouth! I can't chew it. Standing in front of the whole class like that, I ate that bite with a ferocious face. The teacher asked him to sit down after eating. The teacher is so cruel ~ ~ < P > 27) My son is six years old this year, and he caught a cold these days, so he took him to the hospital for an injection. When I arrived at the hospital, the doctor quipped, are you afraid of pain, little friend? The son looked at him and ignored him. When the medicine was ready, the doctor said, little friend, I'm going to have an injection. My son hasn't spoken yet. After the injection. The doctor praised: children are so strong that they don't cry. The son lifted his trousers and turned back coldly: it's a lot of nonsense to have an injection. The rest of the doctors are messy there.

28) One day, a woman went to see a doctor with her child in her arms. After the doctor checked, she said whether the child was breast-fed or breast-fed. The woman said, breast-fed. The doctor told her to take her clothes away. The woman thought about what he was going to do, but she did it anyway. The doctor put his hand in, touched it left, pinched it again, and sighed with emotion, no wonder the child is malnourished and has no milk at all. The woman growled, I'm his aunt!

29) In college, a sister in the dormitory ate a diet meal, and the recipe for one meal required a piece of meat. She went to the deli at the school gate and said to the boss, "Give me fifty cents of meat." The boss didn't show any abnormality, so he cut a piece and chopped it quickly. He kindly said, "Feed the turtle, I'll chop it for you!" "

31) On the way, I met a classmate sitting behind me in an exam, and I often read my answers. Then he said, "Why go?" Me: "study by yourself, the exam will be held the day after tomorrow." He: "Oh, go ahead, stupid birds fly first." I ... Nima, don't look at me if you have the ability to take the exam.

31) Senior three students are eating and chatting in the canteen. A: Actually, I like literature and history. B: Are you disgusting? C: What about eating? Do you know? That's disgusting! A q: what's the matter? B: Didn't you say you like smelling shit?

32) Dad put his son to bed and went back to his bedroom to get ready for bed. "Dad!" Cried the son. "May I have a glass of water?" "You didn't just drink! Go to sleep, I have turned off the light! " Minutes later ... "Dad! I'm thirsty, can't you get me a cup? " "I just said! You ask me to hit you again! " Five minutes passed ... "Dad!" "What's the matter?" "When you come and beat me, be sure to bring a glass of water.

33) There were too many people on the bus this day, and it was very hot and boring. I don't know who farted, which made the environment worse. My friend can't stand it, and I don't know who it is. I can't help it. As it happens, the conductor is asking, "Who didn't buy the ticket?" My friend suddenly had a plan and said loudly, "The fart didn't buy a ticket!" Suddenly, a particularly fat woman, holding the ticket high in her hand, said loudly, "I have already bought the ticket!"

34) In terms of study, like Big Wolf, we go out as NB every semester and leave as SB at the end of the semester. Finally, we have to shout: I will study hard ...

35) A male customer was eating in a restaurant. When he finished eating and asked for the bill, the boss surprised him. "Yuan is too expensive!" He said, "You should give a discount to your peers, right?" The boss said, "So you also run a restaurant?" . He said, "No, I am robbing.