1. One day Xiaoming had a plaster cast on his hand.

The teacher asked: What happened to your hand?

Xiaoming said: It was broken.

The teacher said: Why?

Xiaoming said: Because I am too lazy.

The teacher said: Too lazy will break my hand?

Xiao Ming said: I was walking on the road, and my shoes ran into a stone.

But I was lazy to do it with my hands.

I shook my feet with a telephone pole and let the stone fall out.

Passers-by thought I was electrocuted and hit my hand with a wooden stick.

So .................

Teacher: ............

2. Taiwanese businessmen doing business in the mainland,

.

One day, he was unfortunately caught by a public security expert.

The Taiwanese certificate was stamped with the word "prostitute".

He was very unhappy,

so he spent some money through relationships,

to get rid of this indecent noun.

After a week,

his friend told him that it was done.

He thought, what is impossible as long as there is money in the mainland?

After receiving the Taiwanese certificate, he excitedly opened it.

There were three big characters stamped inside:

Non-prostitute.

Later, he tried to get rid of these three words

non-prostitute

through more powerful people.

Because he thought these three words were still indecent,

Therefore, this account must be resolved.

Because he will go back to Taiwan Province next month ...

Friends have repeatedly assured him that

there will be no problem,

but courtesy is absolutely indispensable.

After another week,

a friend came to him and said, "This time it's really done!"!

He quickly took the Taiwanese certificate and read it.

It read:

African fire bug

3. Party A, Party B and Party C went out together, and Party A caught a cold ...

At night, everyone slept in the same bed, and Party A slept in the middle.

In the middle of the night ... A gave a big sniffle, and

B and C were covered with the crystallization of A..

Party B and Party C: Let us know next time ...

After half an hour,

Party A: Pay attention ...

Party B and Party C got into the quilt at once,

and made sure there was no communication with the outside world ...

As a result, Party A farted.

4. I once

went to the teacher's house in high school with several classmates to see him.

It was an old man. Before he left,

we left some fruits for the teacher.

But the teacher grabbed the monitor's laptop bag tightly and said,

"Look, Come and see what else I brought ...

Just leave it at the door. "

5. Take a taxi with my friend to meet a net friend.

When it's near,

My friend points to an ugly girl not far away and says to the driver,

" Have you seen that woman? "

"see, where do you stop?"

"no, kill her! ! ！”

6. One day, I met a netizen MM in the Oriental Plaza.

I don't want to be too corny, but I made an appointment at Starbucks.

I don't think it's appropriate not to buy something while waiting for MM.

Just order coffee at the counter.

The waiter asked, "What would you like?" .

I didn't wear my glasses that day.

The coffee shop was dimly lit.

I tried to look at the price tag, but I still couldn't see it ...

I just said, "I can't see it clearly!" .

waiter: "ok, cappuccino!" "

So I had my first cup of cappuccino at Starbucks ...

7. The manager of a company asked the secretary to forward the official document to the boss:

"Tell the boss that there will be a batch of orders in Europe next month,

I think the company needs to bring someone to a meeting with them."

the boss just signed "Go a head" at the back of the official document.

after receiving it, the manager immediately instructed his subordinates to buy the plane,

planned the trip, and packed his luggage himself.

on the day of departure, I was stopped by the secretary.

secretary: "what are you doing?"

manager: "Go to Europe for a meeting!"

secretary: "does the boss agree?"

manager: "didn't the boss say Go a head to me?"

secretary:

don't you know the English level of the boss after coming to the company for so long?

the boss means: go to the head! "

8. A brother likes to eat fish.

Walmart's bass is 9 yuan a catty,

If it's dead, it's 7 yuan and two pieces on the ice,

just as fresh. When a brother gets off work,

he rushes to buy it, but it is often bought away.

A brother just stands in front of the fish tank and waits.

Sometimes one of them dies for a long time.

a brother fished in with a net and hit the fish on the head with his hand.

The waiter couldn't stand it any longer.

He came over and said to his brother,

"Sir, those who passed out don't count ..."

9. I am an old woman in her fifties.

One day when I visited the boys' dormitory,

it happened that a boy was running around in the ground with nothing on ~

When the class saw it,

I jumped on the bed with a loud cry,

Covered the quilt ~

The class left a message:

I haven't seen anything at my age,

What's your name ~

. ! !

11. pirated CDs:

-Are you serious? Are you serious? )

-No,I'm kidding. (No, I'm kidding.)

Translation in the movie:

-Are you Hilaris?

-No, I'm Kaiding ..

11. When I was a freshman,

a buddy in my dorm

woke up one morning

and found half a big black moth on the pillow,

feeling depressed.

I was about to throw it when

I suddenly found the tooth marks on the wings of the moth. . . . . .

the whole dormitory is cold for one semester! ! !

12. A man and a woman were having an affair, and her husband suddenly came home. The man jumped out of the window and ran away without wearing clothes, and walked on the street to watch. The man pretended to look at the sky as if nothing had happened: Ah, this is the earth. Passers-by said: cao, an alien with chicken feathers.

13. There is a noodle shop opposite our dormitory.

A roommate in the dormitory,

loves to be cool,

was staying at the window to wash his hair one day,

when he finished washing,

his hair was thrown into a star shape,

his finger pointed at the noodle restaurant,

and he shouted: How are you friends who are eating noodles opposite?

14. One day, a classmate went to Zhongguancun for a stroll.

A vendor leaned in and asked,

"Do you want a hard disk? Cheap "

Students took it and said," How hard is it? "

15. In college,

before going to bed at night, everyone had to shoot the breeze for a while.

I once said, what if a gangster turned into the dormitory at night?

(At that time, it was reported that a girl's dormitory was bullied by someone)

A sister said: When she saw him rummaging through The Upper Terrace, let's go together!

"then what?" People asked,

she paused and then said,

"Dragging him in,

killing him,

letting him pass by our building in the future, we have to make a detour!"

16. There is a buddy in the university dormitory who likes to talk in his sleep.

One night I was getting up to have a drink.

Unexpectedly, he suddenly yelled, "Hello!"

I was so scared that I broke my cup ...

One night, I continued to talk in my sleep.

I murmured:

"Actually ... actually ... I'm pregnant ... (slightly crying)"

17. I was eating a snack outside in summer,

On the table next to me.

He's so fat that all the meat on his upper body is hung.

In the middle of eating,

the pager rang (in more than nine years) and we didn't even see it as ours.

As a result, I saw the fat man turn up the meat on his waist.

After reading the pager, I put the meat down and started eating.

at that time, the beautiful women at our table were spitting.

18. Baidu knows

urgent paper: Analysis of artistic conception beauty of China

Reward score: 1-Solution time: 2117-6-22 18:24

Urgent paper: Analysis of artistic conception beauty of China

2,511 to 3,111 words

Everyone should help first.

Analysis of artistic conception beauty of China

Reward score: 1-Solution time: June 24, 2117 14: 12

Students of Hushi University of Arts and Sciences, I am Mr. Cao who teaches you an introduction to fine arts! About this paper on the artistic conception beauty of China's art, in order to prevent you from copying! I have browsed all the first 41 pages of Baidu's search about the artistic conception beauty of China art! I'm still browsing others! Please pay attention! Think for yourself! !

19. A classmate, his computer will automatically turn on every morning (presumably because it was suddenly opened when the call came in the dormitory in the morning).

As a result, his old man took a symbol and posted it on the computer. . .

21. One day, Mr. A took a shit in the toilet.

I don't think he could pull it out.

He was barking in the toilet.

At this time, Mr. B outside heard it,

so he sang loudly:

"I can't pull it out!"

What's more,

Mr. C immediately went on to sing:

"If you can't pull it out again, just dig it with your hands!"

Since then, this song has become the room song of our dormitory.

21. According to the subject three exam, let's gather at 5 o'clock in the morning, so we are in a daze during the natural exam.

It's my turn to get on the bus, start, walk and drive safely. The examiner doesn't speak and sits beside me.

Suddenly, the examiner said to me, Come on, classmate.

suddenly, I was flattered, and I felt a warm current in my heart, thinking, what a good examiner, who knew I was nervous and encouraged me.

so, I smiled and said to the examiner, thank you.

The examiner was stunned and looked a little helpless. Just drive, turn, and the examiner added, come on!

I was warmed up and moved, but I still smiled and said, thank you, examiner!

The examiner seemed even more speechless. He choked back his facial expression and shook his head.

It's almost the end, and the examiner said impatiently for the third time, Come on! Come on! Classmate.

Before I could say thank you, the examiner pointed to my right foot on the accelerator and said,

I'm asking you to refuel your foot on the accelerator, not you! You think this is the Olympic Games, and I'm here to watch you compete!

22. At night, one person fell asleep in the dormitory for four.

There were three people discussing how to make a confession after chasing a girl for the first time.

The discussion was lively.

The sleeping person woke up:

Don't say anything, let's go to sleep ...

23. The graduate and undergraduate campuses of Peking University are separate,

In the undergraduate campus,

There is a bicycle parking lot at Xiaoximen, the headquarters of Peking University.

It is specially prepared for graduate students.

The wall says "Wan Liu's parking place".

Once I was there with a friend,

I saw him hesitate.

I finally struggled for a long time and finally asked me in confusion:

Who do you think this classmate Wan Liu is? It's awesome! There are so many bicycles! "

24. At the beginning of school,

a new English teacher came.

He asked us to answer all questions in English in the future.

Then he began to call the roll: NO.1.

He shouted.

No.1 in our class stood up and

shouted: Here! The teacher said:

Please in English! (Please answer in English)

My classmate scratched his head,

held back for a long time and answered:

Guide ~ ~ (pronounce the second sound)

25. Our dormitory buddy was violent,

one day he found a mosquito in the mosquito net,

he was busy catching it for a long time, but he didn't catch it,

The buddy sighed.

Then he quickly put away the mosquito net.

He put up with it for several days.

Finally, the mosquito starved to death.

Our sweat was still about the mosquito net:

One day he found a fly flying into the mosquito net, and

told us, "I have to kill him."

"Look at it",

The man grabbed a novel, got into the mosquito net and

sealed it.

I kept waving my fan while reading the novel.

I just didn't let the fly land.

After two hours,

the fly finally couldn't fly.

He leaned over and poked the fly and said,

"Fly away, I haven't read enough books."

26. A conversation between a student admitted to a university in Beijing and his alumni:

You are from Yunnan.