1. Joking about dialects

In the past, the old gentleman said that people should study in thousands of books and take the Wan Li Road. What do you mean? That is to say, if a person has more experience, he will naturally be smart, and he will have the ability to handle things calmly and flexibly. To put it bluntly, it is not a loss. In my opinion, if you read thousands of books and take Wan Li Road, you must be well informed, at least you can understand different customs and dialects in different places.

when I was studying in Beijing, there was a Tangshan native in our class. One day we went out to buy fruit together. He said that this place in Beijing is a bully, so we can't let the fruit seller hear that we are foreigners.

what should I do? He is from Tangshan and I am from the northeast, so it is inconvenient to bargain. Later, the elder brother volunteered to go there, and then he shouted in Beijing dialect that he had just learned for a long time: "Boss, how much (less) is this apple?" The boss said, "You asked about this apple, right? This is 3.51 yuan." My classmate thought about it, pointed to nanguo pear and asked (Tangshankou), "What about this small pear?" Accidentally, the hometown dialect came out.

I'm from Liaoning. There are now 14 cities in Liaoning. It can't be said that each city has a different accent, at least southern Liaoning, northern Liaoning, western Liaoning and eastern Liaoning are different. Fan Wei, a famous actor, imitated the accent of western Liaoning, specifically the Chaoyang area. The accents of Jinzhou and Huludao are characterized by upward ending.

There is a joke, which I heard from a two-person actor. It said that a group of prisoners were locked up in the detention center, and every day before eating, they shouted slogans and expressed their determination. How to express it? It was very simple, just eight words: "Turn over a new leaf, turn over a new leaf". A few people in front shouted like this: "Turn over a new leaf and turn over a new leaf." Then he went to eat. When it was Jinzhou's turn, he brought out the dialect: "Turn over a new leaf (where), turn over a new leaf (where)". As a result, the discipline was impatient at that time: "Do you have any questions about xx? Go back! "

At the junction of southern Liaoning and eastern Liaoning, there is Zhuanghe, which is a county-level city. The accent there is different from Dalian, Dandong and Yingkou. For example, this matter has not been decided yet. In Zhuanghe dialect, it is "I sell only". It is said that a leader went to Zhuanghe for investigation and had a discussion with several laid-off women workers. The leader asked one of the women workers, "What are your plans in the future?" The woman worker answered truthfully, "I sell clothes." Hearing this, the leader, what is this called? Hurry off and ask another woman worker, "What job are you going to do?" The answer was even more simple: "I also sell clothes"? It is said that the leader got up in anger and left.

It's still about Zhuanghe. The organization department mobilized party member in the village to subscribe to the magazine * * * Made in party member. The secretary of this village and his wife are both party member, so they booked one. When someone came to investigate, they asked the wife of the village party secretary, "Are you sure you didn't order a magazine?" The wife of the village party secretary said, "I sell it." Ask again: "Why haven't you decided?" The wife of the village party secretary said confidently, "I'm dating someone, I see." The one who was investigated above was also from Zhuanghe. He was anxious at that time and said, "You are not right, your target is the secretary of the brigade, and your target is only the whole village"?

In fact, the biggest feature of Liaoning Province is that there is no distinction between flat tongue and tongue. To put it bluntly, there is no distinction between "ten" and "four", "day" and "righteousness". Once we had dinner in Beijing, and we drank for a long time. As we all know, people in the Northeast can eat and drink, and it is endless to catch up with the right-handers.

That day, when all the dishes were cold, someone called the waiter: "Hello, waiter-"The waiter rushed to ask something, and the man said: "Please heat the dishes (pronounced" yeah ")". The waiter didn't understand, and stood there hesitating. This one was also anxious and fired at the waiter: "Did you not hear it?" How can you eat this dish if you are not hot? " The waiter suddenly realized, raised his right hand, made a victory gesture, and then solemnly shouted, "Yeah-"

2. Degang Guo's classic cross talk lines

I would have killed him regardless of the law!

this guy robbed the bank and drove on the North Third Ring Road. 5: 31 in the afternoon! The traffic jam was solid when the police arrived.

your shameless appearance is very much like my charm.

huh? You don't know me? I am an artist! I have been an artist for over a week.

Guo Degang: Brother Di, I hope there will be peace in the world, the people in the world will live and work in peace, and there will be no war, okay?

God thought about it. Let's be honest about this difficult point. I'm not that capable. Really, really, I won't tell you anything else. Can you change it? Let's discuss something else.

I brought a photo of Li Jing with me when I touched him. Brother Di, look at this. This is my other disciples. They are very cold-looking. I can't get a date. Please make him more beautiful.

God: (thinking) Let's talk about world peace (tearing up the photo)

Guo Degang: Hey, why did you tear up the photo? If you don't agree or disagree, why tear it up? I still keep it to ward off evil spirits!

I have money at home and drive a Cadillac that opens at 13. You can tell by the sound that it is a good machine, imported from Germany, "chug chug", oh, three jumps. As soon as it started, half of Beijing was emitting black smoke, and the traffic police rushed at you and shouted, "Elder Sun, accept your magic."

"grandpa, how can I get to America?" "Ask the village chief"

You don't need electricity if you speak louder!

don't leave after the party, go to eat. Whoever goes pays for it.

I am a rich man. Today, backstage, I drove here, and they all came on foot. Those old gentlemen in Tianjin started to leave on Tuesday. But there is something wrong with my car recently, and the speed is a little slow. At first, I thought the carburetor was dirty. I didn't know until I checked it.

The traditional cross talk left by the old gentleman always has more than 1111 paragraphs. After our actors' continuous efforts over the years, up to now, it has basically lost

English, Japanese, Korean, Yugoslav, North Slavic, West Slavic, and Eight-Nation Alliance.

The house I live in is riddled with holes, and it will kill me if it rains. It's raining in the rainy house outside, and it's raining in the rainy house outside. Sometimes it's too heavy, so the whole family went out to take shelter from the rain.

if you are willing to die, I will be willing to bury it.

from today on, I will never eat lobster again.

grenades are expensive. if there are six grenades for one dollar, I'll throw you one hundred dollars first.

This young man looks like an actor.

Please cover his face! This plane is the same as Dafa, and it has a rocking glass! Sitting on Dafa and Xiali didn't report that Tianjin didn't have Dafa, but they all went to the United States and flew to the United States for half a year, adding more than 41,111 oil returns.

Guo: what should I do? I'm so rich. I don't know how to spend it. Hey? ! Yu Qian, why don't I take care of you Y: Will you take care of me? !

Guo: ah, no matter how rich we are, we have to choose our looks!

the birthday girl:: Jade Emperor Jade Emperor! ~ something came up.

Jade Emperor: What happened to the birthday girl?

birthday boy: do you have a hammer and nails? With my help, my

sika deer bit the railing.

Jade Emperor: Shouxing, what did I tell you? It doesn't matter if you ride that deer, you have to feed it! ~

Degang Guo: I got a good job as soon as I got here, building a chimney of more than 71 meters!

Yu Qian: It's not bad!

Degang Guo: Get up early and get greedy for the dark and finish the work. When people come to check and accept, they won't pay us anyway!

Yu Qian: Is the quality not good? Stand-up comic dialogue.

Degang Guo: I started to take the drawings upside down, and people asked me to repair the well!

Degang Guo: There are quite a few people coming

3. Picking up a dog and chopping bricks, the bricks bit their hands. There was an old man who was only nineteen years old and drank lotus root with wine in his mouth. He had never seen such a thing since he was a child, and three wheels were pulling a train. Today, I will tell you a stand-up comedy, and there is such a disgraceful person in it. When did this happen? This happened in the Qing Dynasty. Say, there is such a rich man, with a wealth of money, and he is also one of the best figures in Beijing.

The old man has two sons. The eldest son is very calm and capable no matter what he does. What about this penis? It's okay to be a man, but I have a small problem, so I can drink a little wine. How good is he? He hangs a wine gourd from the bedside, and when he wakes up at night, he opens the gourd and drinks a few mouthfuls. It's not good to go to the toilet. He puts a wine jar at the door of the toilet, and he has to drink a few mouthfuls after going to the toilet! ?

That's it. He drinks every day and gets drunk every day. Finally, one day, the old man is dying. He is seriously ill and will die soon. He called his two sons to him, told him to finish the funeral, left the eldest son alone, and said to the boss, "I'm dying. My last wish is to ask your brother to give up drinking. Even if our family has a lot of money, it can't stand his drinking!" The boss nodded yes.

The old man died. When the two sons finished the old man's funeral, the boss began to give up drinking for his brother. Someone told the boss, the second brother hit a drunkard! I have to ask the old mage to do exorcism, but the boss believed me. Let me tell you, this is a sudden illness and disorderly medical treatment. I paid a lot of money to hire a group of wizards, but I didn't think these people were a bunch of two knives, reading the Grape Sutra at home all day.

What is the Grape Classic? In fact, it is what the liar read: "Eat grapes without spitting grape skin, but spit grape skin without eating grapes"! (chanting) In fact, they don't even know what they are talking about! That's it, the exorcism didn't work, so I asked the boss to kick those people out. Some people say that the second child is a wine bug, and he has to bask in wine bugs.

In dog days, comrades, just hang a big living person with a rope to bask in the sun. Can you stand it? Don't worry about it. The boss is really cruel. It still doesn't work. It's gone again. Whether to say it or not, the boss is smart. He asked someone to find a sea tank. What is a sea tank? The sea tank is a big water tank that only five or six strong men can move in the early years.

Why are you looking for such a big water tank? Don't worry, listen to me slowly! Boss got this vat full of old wine. When it was finished, he put the second child in it. He also got a big grinding disc to cover the mouth, and then put a seal on it. The seal said, "Brother sealed it only for abstinence, so it's time to seal the wine and stop getting drunk."

I left after this was done, which made the second child so happy that he could finally have a big meal. While drinking, he sang, "It doesn't matter if I am drunk to death. I am buried by the wine shop. I am as happy as a fairy when I smell the fragrance of this Daqu! (singing), listen to this word. It's not bad. But the second son's daughter-in-law can't sit still at home. If she is drunk to death, will she still live? Hurriedly ran to the edge of the water tank and knocked on it. "Master, are you all right?"? When the second child heard that his wife was coming, he was happy. "Hey, the seal of wife and brother doesn't need to be opened. If you still have a relationship, bring me a pickle!"!

4. In this world, the most important thing is to be modest and prudent. Whatever you do, you must be modest. What will you do yourself? Don't show off in front of that person. What's the point of showing off? What is there to show off? So, if you are modest in front of people, you will definitely not suffer.

I am a native of Shandong, and I usually speak in our Shandong dialect. I have a fellow villager who is also a good person, that is, I can show off my ability and know more than others regardless of what happens. This is a joke when I went to Tianjin on business a few days ago.

why is he joking? Before he went to Tianjin, he learned a few words of Tianjin dialect. When he went to Tianjin, he showed off. One morning, he thought that Goubuli had gone to eat steamed buns. Everyone knew that the steamed buns were delicious but he had never eaten them. He planned to try them, but he didn't know where Goubuli was. He had to ask around. Just then, a young man came in front of him, so he greeted him and asked him how to get there.

when he asked, he remembered the Tianjin dialect, and then he opened his mouth and said, "Excuse me, how can I get to this Goubuli steamed stuffed bun shop?" (Tianjin dialect) Hearing this, did you? People in Tianjin don't know that dogs ignore them? He was making fun of me, so he gave him a finger to the north, "in the north." (Tianjin dialect) This one is also sincere. He went to the north, but he felt wrong after walking for a while. Why didn't you even see a shop? Ask around again.

An old lady sitting in the sun just walked over and said, "You're worried. How can I get to this Goubuli Steamed Bun Shop?" (Tianjin dialect) When the old lady heard it, did she? People in Tianjin don't know that dogs ignore them? Are you kidding me? Also made a mistake, pointing to the north: "in the north." This one is right. Let's go to the north. I don't know how long it took. Anyway, it's getting a little dark. Why hasn't this one arrived yet?

At this time, an old farmer who was resistant to hoes came in front of us. He quickly greeted him, and without using Tianjin dialect, he opened his mouth and said, "Grandpa, how can I get there if the dog doesn't care?" The old farmer listened to the music. "Young man, it's not easy for you to walk here when you go to Tianjin. Here, it's Miyun Reservoir." Well, he's going the other way.

5. The north-south street goes east and west, and people bite dogs at the crossroads. They pick up dogs and cut bricks, but the bricks bite their hands. There was an old man who was only nineteen years old and drank lotus root with wine in his mouth. He had never seen such a thing since he was a child, and three wheels were pulling a train.

hey! Does this sound like it to you?

Today, I'm going to tell you a stand-up comedy, and there is such a disgraceful person in it.

when did this happen? This happened in the Qing Dynasty. Say, there is such a rich man, with a wealth of money, and he is also one of the best figures in Beijing. The old man has two sons. The eldest son is very calm and capable no matter what he does. What about this penis? It's okay to be a man, but I have a small problem, so I can drink a little wine. How good is he? He hangs a wine gourd on the bedside. When he wakes up at night, he opens the gourd and drinks a few mouthfuls. It is not good to go to the toilet. He puts a wine jar at the door of the toilet and he has to drink a few mouthfuls after going to the toilet!

That's it. He drinks every day and gets drunk every day.

finally, one day, the old man is dying, he is seriously ill and will die soon. He called his two sons to him, told him to finish the funeral, left the eldest son alone, and said to the boss, "I'm dying. My last wish is to ask your brother to give up drinking. Even if our family has a lot of money, it can't stand his drinking!" The boss nodded yes. When the old man finished speaking, he died. When the two sons finished the old man's affairs, the boss began to give up drinking for his brother.

someone told the boss, the second child has hit a drunkard! I have to ask the old mage to do exorcism, but the boss believed me. Let me tell you, this is a sudden illness and disorderly medical treatment. I paid a lot of money to hire a group of wizards, but I didn't think these people were a bunch of two knives, reading the Grape Sutra at home all day. The man asked what the Grape Classic was, which was actually what the liar read: "You don't spit grape skin if you eat grapes, but you spit grape skin if you don't eat grapes"! (chanting) In fact, they don't even know what they are talking about!

That's it. The exorcism didn't work. I asked the boss to kick those people out. Some people say that the second child is a wine bug, and he has to bask in wine bugs. In the dog days, comrades, just hang a big living person with a rope to bask in the sun. Can you stand it? Don't worry about it. The boss is really cruel. It still doesn't work. It's gone again.

I don't know, but the boss is smart. He asked someone to find a sea jar, and this one asked what is big.