I hope I get less and less, and I hope my life is getting shorter and shorter. When I was a child, I was afraid of death for a while. Probably everyone will have a period of fear of death when he is a teenager. I used to have a very old-fashioned alarm clock, the kind that winds up. It walks loudly, chrysanthemum brain. I was about nine years old that year. When I was lying in bed at home listening to the sound of chrysanthemum fragrance, I jumped out of bed and began to write. One hour equals 60 minutes, one minute equals 60 seconds, there are 24 hours in a day, and how many hours are there in a year? I count how many seconds there are in my life. Then I was very scared. On that dark night, I began to cry. I think if I count this number, I will die. So I'm afraid of life. I think life will be lost. I had a heart attack after filming 1999 April Day on Earth. I still clearly remember what the doctor said to me when I first entered the hospital. He said that you should be discharged from the hospital now, because you could die suddenly at any time. I was 28 years old. Unexpectedly, the concept of life and death suddenly became very close to me. At that time, my heart beat only 33 times a minute when I slept. Later, people often asked me how my heart beat recently. I said it was still dancing, but it was a little slow. Then I remembered what Xu Zhimo said before, as long as the heart is still beating.

I am an ignorant teenager. I never recall or fantasize about my teenage years. I just face every wonderful world. Everything is novel to me. I want to go anywhere. At that time, I probably drilled where I could, climbed where I could, and then did what I could. When I was a child, my parents often worried that I had no future. People say what you want, but I don't know. I didn't think of what I did today, but I still don't know what I will do tomorrow. If I just started to know why I think so today, it's probably because of my personality. Today, I understand, it is like a train, traveling long distances. I don't want to sit in the front, I don't want to see anything, I don't want to stand in the back and watch the road I walked, I just want to sit in the car. Because I don't know what I saw, that thing has no gravity for me, and I would rather not see the scenery, or even exist there as a landscape.

I'm a little ready to face it now. When I grow up, I'm a little finished, and the rest is nonsense.

After I went to college, I felt that I had lost all the memories of my childhood and adolescence. I only live in the present. I just face my daily life and think about what I should study. I think I should grow up, get something, earn something, be a good son, a good student, a good friend, a good lover and a good husband. ...

One day, I had a bold idea about what I would do after I was 30. The idea is actually very easy to realize, that is, to earn more money and then go to farm. We are all thinking strange things, because we don't know what we can think, and we also know for sure that we don't know what we are going to do. The answer is no, I am an optimist every day, but I say I am a pessimistic optimist on the whole, which I think is better than a pessimistic pessimist on the whole.

I am thirty-one years old. I have experienced many moments. I've met my current girlfriend for so many years and have been preparing for it all my life. I'll go and have a look. I think every paragraph is wonderful and I will never forget it, but it is very vague and I can't remember it at all. But I believe that those things existed, at some point in my life. I'm not that me. I'm a lot of me. We're just a shell, in which we changed a few me. When I was a child, I grew up a little, liked myself, hated myself, was self-righteous, and began to examine myself.

Plato has a book called "The Republic", which is about people's thinking, and several things are pushing it. There are three kinds, one is to act according to one's wishes, the other is to act according to one's feelings, and the other is to act according to one's wisdom. Those who rely on desire are greedy, those who rely on emotion are satisfied, and those who rely on wisdom are happy. Happiness and ownership are not directly proportional or inversely proportional, because it doesn't matter at all, so the owner suffers, and the owner suffers, so the owner is happy and the owner is happy, as simple as that. There is only a moment between them, and then it becomes a aftertaste of happiness and a yearning for happiness.

I'm thinking, if one day I go to see an old man, who is very old and sits in front of his house, and it's already dark, maybe one day I will become one of them. You don't know what he is thinking or what kind of life he is living. Our self-righteousness, our affectation, we all think that is the basis of understanding and happiness. I don't think so, and I don't think so either, so I want to thank my life more. They can listen to or understand each other when I meet them, and I try to understand her to some extent.

We accidentally fell in love with our first love, we accidentally fell in love with that wonderful moment, we accidentally fell in love with a son, accidentally fell in love with a family, accidentally fell in love with stability, carelessly, all carelessly. Nothing is preset by teenagers. I think everything in the world starts when you are not ready and ends when you are ready.

Time flies is a commemoration of the past youth. I think we were in love during that time, and it was sincere love. That love for me doesn't mean loving a girl or a person or a home. No, I think it's a lifelong love, just like when you get up in the morning, you will cover your mouth with your hand and even want to smell your pure taste. Breathe, and the smell will overflow your heart.

19991At the end of February, I arrived in Taibei, and I crossed this millennium in Taiwan Province Province. From the window of the hotel, you can see the Taipei city government from a distance. At about twelve o'clock that night, after I came back from Pingxi to put on the sky lanterns, I was alone in my room. I stood at the window of a strange city, on a lonely night in a strange city, and then everyone said that the Millennium was coming to an end. Everyone was happy that night when they saw traffic jams all over the street. I don't know whether I am happy that this millennium is coming to an end or that a new millennium is about to begin. Then I saw a lot of people in the Taipei city government in the distance. Everyone is very excited, happy and brightly lit. I still stand in a lonely night in a strange city, and I still don't know what I should do.

When I lived in anzhen hospital, I couldn't sleep at night. It suddenly occurred to me that at such a 28-year-old age, when I was wondering whether I would not face all this again tomorrow, I ran downstairs. There is a garden and a small artificial pond in the hospital. It is autumn, and the leaves of persimmon trees have turned yellow, and some persimmons have grown. I sat under the persimmon tree and smoked by the small pond. I knew I shouldn't smoke because of heart disease, and then I thought it might be over, but at that time I didn't have a clear understanding of how I should face my future life.

I hope I get less, and then my life will be shorter. When you may no longer have hope, the inevitable pain is the parting that follows. I didn't say how bad that era was. I think today is beautiful. I also think it is a very happy thing that we can survive. But the question is how do you face your life. I used to wish I could get more, and of course I was more persistent in life.

One thing I really want to do today is to be able to exchange something and go back to a place I really want to go back to. I hope there is a magician who will come to exchange with me, and I will change the last ten or twenty years of my life for that moment. I would trade my life for a moment to sit with you. I hope they are all so generous and considerate to me. Everyone loves you deeply, including some people who are no longer there.

Nearly ten years after we separated, I met my first girlfriend in a shopping mall. When we are in love, we always write love letters. At that time, we both put the letter in the same mailbox, and then the postman took it out and sent it to our two houses respectively. We can't give the letter to each other because it is a love letter. Love letters must be mailed, stamped, postmarked and put into the mailbox in an instant. When we met in the store ten years later, we all paid at that cashier. We all went to buy writing paper. I told my girlfriend that I just met my first girlfriend, and she said yes. I said we would all buy writing paper, and she said yes, but I said we would never write love letters to each other. She didn't speak, and neither did I. I used to have her home phone number. I once believed that this number will never be forgotten in my life. I can't remember any figures now. I used to think that we would be together forever. We have been together for less than a year, and we think life is too simple. At that time, I didn't have to sleep, eat or do my homework every day, but I couldn't miss her for a moment. Today, I have to eat, sleep and work every day, but this is the only thing that is ignored.

I remember it was very cold in Beijing. We watched a movie together. It was a very long Taiwan Province film, the name of which I forgot. It's ugly, not scary at all. Then she pretended to be afraid to put her hand in mine, and I held her hand as if nothing had happened. Then she said your hand was cold, and I said I was cold. Then she touched my right cheek with her lips and said that a kiss equals 30 calories. On the night when we were snowing in Beijing, the street lamps were pitifully white, but the lights in the Longmen in the distance were warm, her clothes were white, and she stood in the middle was golden. She turned around and said, why don't you go? On that snowy night, I stood in the most handsome posture I could imagine at that time, and then held my head high, very proud, like a nobleman, like lermontov or Pushkin. I said I was waiting, she said what to wait for, and I said hot. That bright smile is the brightest smile you have ever seen in your life, the closest hug and the most wonderful kiss in your life. But I just forgot her home phone number. Yes, that's it.

I remember we walked into the corridor of the girls' dormitory. We are absurd and unconstrained. We are like a crazy teenager. The summer wind blew all the door curtains, pink, blue, red and green, all of which were blown up like swaying flags, welcoming us. When you walk through the corridor of that girl's dormitory and walk to the person you love, you think nothing but love. However, it was lost. The years have just passed.

When the leaves in Beijing fall all over the ground, they are all poplar leaves. If it is cleaned slowly, it will pile up into mountains and sweep piles. In my childhood memory, there are about three pieces as tall as me and ten pieces as big as me. My parents tied the key to my house around my neck with shoelaces. The first thing I did after class was wrestling, boxing and fighting with a group of my friends on the pile of leaves. When I got home, the door couldn't be opened and the key was gone. My father borrowed a bicycle from a neighbor and took me to the leaves. My father and son moved the pile of leaves from one place to another, but I couldn't find the key. Then my dad beat me up because I lost a lot of keys and the lock at home was changed. After hitting me, I was not sad at all, but very happy, because for the first time, I found that my father could ride a bike and would take me with him. I have been sitting in the back happily holding his waist and sticking my face on his back. It's almost autumn again, and the leaves are about to fall off. I don't know which leaf is the one I remember, and I don't know whether the key has turned into dirt, and I don't know whether I can still have a key to open the door to my happiness.

What is my happy childhood is my happiness, or when I don't know myself, I don't want to be happy when I know myself, and I am happy when I know nothing about myself. I didn't have a watch when I was young. I will draw a watch with a ballpoint pen before going to school in the morning, and then I will have a dial, hands, scales, and then all the bracelets. Then write a few dots and draw a few dots. Then I'll go to school, carrying my schoolbag, and then suddenly I won't go like a psycho. I lifted my sleeves and looked at the time, but it was obviously drawn by me, and then I will move on. This is my happy memory.