This is a book about parenting education.

Jeffrey Bernstein

Rebellious children all have some common characteristics: easy to lose their temper, moody, and almost always refuse what adults ask them to do. Their biggest problem is that they are unwilling to accept the authority of adults.

At this time, you need to really understand your children. The main idea of this book is that you will like it: "give up control of children to gain more control;" Stop forcing children to obey, and children will begin to listen to you. "

Rebellious children all have some common characteristics: they lose their temper very easily, are moody, and almost always refuse to do what they are asked to do. Their biggest problem is that they are unwilling to accept the authority of adults. The interpersonal relationship of these children is seriously challenged. They often shout angrily "You are so unfair to me" or "Why do you always punish me".

You may try to ignore him for a while; List the timetable; Awarding platform and posting small red flowers; Too soft or too hard method. These strategies don't work, because rebellious children lack mature emotions, can't deal with setbacks rationally, and can't learn from mistakes.

Once you really understand your child and learn not to take what the child says as something he should face personally, things will be much easier.

If your child has severe symptoms of violence or depression, it is recommended to seek professional help. But for all families, it is helpful to learn the methods in these ten days.

Don't try to wait for your child to get out of the rebellious period. This passive way of waiting is that parents are shirking their responsibilities. Some potential factors can induce children's rebellion, including: rejection by peers, learning difficulties, problems related to parents, external trauma (such as sexual harassment), anxiety about their poor appearance, conflicts between brothers and sisters, and rebellious cool ideas. No matter what the inducement is, the child's rebellion has a purpose. Children are rebellious because they don't know how to control their thoughts and emotions. It is very important to remember this when you get along with your children. When you treat a rebellious child with violence, you actually lose control, because the child will blame all his later wrong actions on your violence.

Remember, you are not alone. A large number of seemingly good families have rebellious problems. Calmly face the problem of rebellion, and persist for ten days and it will change.

To help you stop blaming yourself and gain a sense of control, let's start with positive behavior. Read the following list and check how you are doing in this area:

() Smile

() blink

() Pat the child

() stand very close

() Say I love you.

() eye contact

() Hug

() nod

() shake hands

() Attend school meetings

() Give praise

() Give praise

() urging classes.

() Give a reward

() Arrange a birthday party

() Urge to participate in activities.

Give yourself a positive evaluation of everything you do. When you do the above, even if the child verbally denies it, he will be very happy and grateful.

Read the following list to test your negative behavior:

() roar

() ridicule

() satire

() Beat and scold

() ignore

() nagging

() Preach

() Interrupt

() humiliation

() Stay in the past

() criticism

() cause guilt

() Stimulate provocation

() lie

() Chatting with other parents

() threat

() belittle

() throwing things

() Negative emotions

() Have no patience

() Unrealistic expectations

If you find yourself involved in many behaviors, don't be too sad. It is human nature to make mistakes. Just pay attention to minimize it in the future.

Take time to do something to relieve stress: exercise, watch movies and love your partner. Your state will be better, you can relax, and your child's rebellious mentality will be alleviated. Your child needs your help to overcome his rebellious behavior. Parents have the greatest influence on children's behavior, attitude and lifestyle.

Therefore, taking care of yourself is the way to be responsible for children.

It's not that parents don't love their children, but that most parents don't understand their children. Rebellious children almost always feel that they are not understood by their families. You really don't understand why they do this. Understanding is the most effective way to eliminate treason.

Listening is key. Listening to children does not mean telling them what to do. Have the spirit of selfless dedication, don't listen with selfish thoughts, and don't jump to conclusions about children. To do this, there are several tips: keep eye contact, eliminate distractions, avoid opening your mouth when listening, let your child know that you are listening, and don't criticize your child blindly.

1. Take the initiative to make suggestions. (You should ...)

2. Talk about parents' own feelings and experiences, not their children's. I'm mad at you.

3. Make the child's pain seem unimportant. (This is normal)

1. Expect your child to do what he is not ready for.

2. Occasionally bad behavior.

3. stop your child from acting like a child

4. expect your children to meet your needs

5. Blame yourself for your child's mistakes.

6. Forget how much harm blame and criticism will bring to children.

7. Ignoring the efficacy of loving behavior

8. Forget that you are a role model for children.

9. Only see the external behavior, without paying attention to the child's inner love and good motives.

Shouting is a very serious problem for parents of rebellious children. Parents who often use shouting to restrain their children are more likely to have personal attacks, verbal attacks and social withdrawal, and lack positive behavior. When you make a hullabaloo about, the child has found your weakness and successfully interfered with you. He also learned to yell from you.

The temptation of shouting is that it seems to be effective, but it will lead children to doubt whether their parents love him or not. Over time, he will think that his parents' love for him depends on his behavior rather than him. This makes children very depressed and scared, because it is difficult for them to control their behaviors and reactions. You can imagine how you feel when your spouse, parents and leaders yell at you. Will you sincerely appreciate and love them and correct your behavior? That's right. Neither will your children.

The real reason for shouting is that you want to express your anger. When you are really angry, you can tell your child, "I'm really going crazy now." Before I calm down, I must deal with my emotional problems first. "

Finding out the reason of shouting is the key to solve this problem.

How to reduce shouting:

1. Response to major setbacks

My parents yelled at me, so did I.

3. Shouting has become a habit.

Yelling is my only choice.

Before learning how to stop yelling, we must first be clear about two psychological preparations: don't expect immediate results; Your goal is to support the child, not to oppose him.

1. Become an active listener.

2. Calm you down through understanding

3. Ask yourself who you really are

Identify signs of anger

Don't take everything as personal behavior.

6. Remind yourself that children are not always disobedient.

Use humor

8. Speak in a low voice instead of shouting

9. Learn to use body language

10. Don't humiliate or abuse children.

1 1. Let him pass.

12. Prayer for Peace

13. Remember that you want to control the situation.

14.

15. Let me think.

16. Imagine your home is on live TV.

Make sure your needs are met.

18, soliloquize

19. Record yourself

20. Think of a cool and powerful idol role model.

2 1. Your instructions should be short and clear.

22. Think about the last days.

23. Plan rehearsal exercises in advance.

24. When problems arise, handle them in time.

25. think about it The president is right in front of you.

You will find that children will pay more attention to what you say when you shout less.

There is nothing worse than a power struggle between you and a rebellious child. Power struggles are usually fierce, emotional and even ugly. You often end up losing, and you will be even worse. Sometimes you feel that some principles must be adhered to, but in fact your thinking is controlled by the sense of winning or losing. When you learn how to avoid competing with your child, your child's rebellious behavior will be less and less.

The driving force behind the power struggle of rebellious children is that they have unrealistic expectations of their own power, and they think they are equal to their parents. After the power struggle, he will feel strongly that you don't love him. Unconditional love is the most important weapon to avoid power struggle. Many parents don't realize that the reason why they compete with their children for power and profit is actually out of self-defense. In fact, they don't have to defend themselves or convince their children that they are right. When fighting for power and profit, parents and children have the same emotional level. Only by giving up control will it have a positive effect on children.

1. When dealing with children, don't manipulate him, but empower him to feel good about himself;

2. When you express your opinions and beliefs calmly and firmly, children are more likely to listen;

No adult has ever said that their childhood was bad because their parents understood them too well.

Even if you succeed in controlling your children, you are alienating them. Tell children the results of different choices, calmly and firmly put forward specific requirements, rather than a power struggle.

1. When you are calm, do more preventive work, communicate more and fall in love more.

2. Pay attention to inform in advance and respect the child's right to know.

3. Observe what you are demonstrating.

There are clear boundaries, don't always say no.

5. Speak your mind and walk away.

Ask politely

Step 7 consider compromise

8. Avoid negative labels

9. Cultivate your own independent and complete self-esteem system

10. Use humor

1 1. Tell the child that he has this right.

12. Remember to talk less.

13. Give a choice and ask for a choice.

14. Say "I understand, but ..."

Children also have the right to say no.

16. Not everything will trigger a power struggle.

Although rebellious children want to feel good about themselves, they don't know how to feel good about themselves. They did a lot of distressing things. Most rebellious children have self-esteem problems because it is difficult for them to communicate with others. So your job is to remind them to feel good about themselves. A simple way is to boast that 5-year-olds can dress themselves, or 15-year-olds can go home not late. Whether young or old, we are all happy pursuers. When your child does something pleasant, your positive reward will make him feel happy. This process is called positive reinforcement. This is an effective means, which can produce almost immediate results, and then encourage those rebellious children to want better or more cooperation.

Many parents leave out verbal rewards and use material bribes instead. Bribing children with material things will make them feel bad and just want to get something in return. In fact, the most powerful reward parents give their children is simple and cost-free-that is, verbal praise.

Another misunderstanding is that parents always pay attention to negative behaviors. When a child does something right, parents think it is right. This will make children feel that only doing something wrong will get their parents' attention. Some parents don't like to praise their children because their expectations are too high. In fact, progress is accumulated bit by bit.

Pay attention to the following questions when praising children:

1. Be sincere when praising.

Don't mention the same thing too many times.

3. Tell the truth when praising

4. praise as soon as possible.

5. Praise should be diversified and act according to circumstances.

6. Don't be stingy with praise.

Praise can create miracles and penetrate obstacles. Of course, you can give your child a gift as a reward while praising. When giving verbal rewards, please follow the following six steps:

1. Know what your child will value.

2. Let the children participate in designing the prize pool.

Don't let material rewards replace verbal rewards.

4. Rewards should be given under the condition of observing good behaviors.

Step 5 be unexpected

6. The promised reward should be honored.

Sometimes children don't do what you ask, so pay attention to their efforts. Express gratitude and praise for the children's efforts. Even for yourself, positive praise and affirmation are essential. It is also a good way to give yourself a little reward once in a while.

Compared with other children, rebellious children are more provocative and more resistant to discipline. This is because they are emotionally immature and inflexible, and it is difficult to deal with conflicts. Discipline comes from discipline, and discipline is teaching. In order to use discipline effectively, you must regard it as a way to educate and support children, not a way to win control. This is the only way to make discipline work.

Encourage and support children to learn and make reasonable choices. If your child can't do it, help him learn a lesson, not punish him excessively. Reliable discipline is caring and understanding. Only when you and your children have a full understanding of each other can discipline play its best role. Refusing to confess is a way for rebellious children to disguise themselves. For example, they need their parents' attention, feel incompetent, want revenge, be full of jealousy, feel scared and even feel sick, which may lead to rebellious behavior.

Frequent use of consequence punishment is useless. Because children have gradually adapted to this intensity. After a long time, parents will become more and more strict in order to achieve certain results. The consequences of punishment will gradually escalate until it gets out of control. At the same time, children's fear, resentment and pain will annihilate their learning potential.

The correct answer is empathy, which can make children bear the consequences and at the same time be uncontrollable. As long as you think of teaching rather than coercion when disciplining children, you will lose control. Control: "You hit your sister, obviously you can't control yourself. Get up and go back to your room at once! " "I can't help it:" I'm worried that you will hit your sister. "I want you to go back to your room and think about your behavior. When everyone calms down, we will discuss this matter again. "

First of all, words and deeds should be consistent. If you say it, then you must carry it out.

Secondly, when a child misbehaves, he will be punished immediately.

Third, willing to negotiate.

Fourth, let children participate as much as possible when making family rules.

Fifth, help children understand the rules and the consequences of breaking them.

Sixth, private letter response.

Seventh, tell your child how much you love him. What I don't like is his behavior, not himself.

Remember, effective punishment is not to prove that you are in control, and punishment is different from punishment. The rebellious child paid a heavy price. We should help them learn different ways of discipline instead of continuing to punish them. Corporal punishment is even more ineffective. It will only help the child learn not to make mistakes in front of you, but he doesn't know the boundary between right and wrong.

If parents react too gently to the wrong behavior of rebellious children, then they will lose their prestige and respect. There are as many rebellious children who indulge their parents as there are rebellious children of authoritarian parents. The connivance of many parents to their children is actually a rebellion against their childhood experiences. If you are not too obedient or indifferent, your children will not be so rebellious and will respect you more.

You, your spouse, other children, and even your relatives and friends will have a great influence on the behavior of rebellious children. So learn some tricks and win the support of the whole family. First of all, don't compare rebellious children with other children. We should create more opportunities for cooperation between brothers and sisters, such as doing crossword puzzles together, cooking according to new recipes together, and creating a painting or an invention together. Your children need to know that you will try your best to meet their unique needs, which of course means that it is different for everyone. Fair doesn't mean identical. Giving all children time alone with you as much as possible will make them feel special. Reward anger control.

The stronger your marriage is, the less rebellious your children will be. One way to help couples rebuild their emotional relationship is to cultivate common interests that have nothing to do with children and do something new.

In addition, the following three suggestions are also important:

1. Parents form an alliance

2. The comprehensive application of strategies in this book

3. laugh together.

Single-parent families can also help their children get rid of rebellion by getting more support from relatives and friends.

Children's rebellious behavior at school will take different forms: some will quarrel and fight with teachers and classmates; Some will skip classes; Some of them are hidden, such as not doing homework, not participating in class activities or unwilling to go to school. A teacher has a great influence on students' self-cognition. For rebellious students, it is difficult for them to adapt to and manage their own setbacks and other emotions. They usually attack teachers and classmates who they feel threatened or have never been in contact with. Rebellious children keep telling themselves and others that it is unfair for teachers to confirm their feelings. This may not be a lie, but it is usually not the whole truth. At this time, parents should play the role of school consultants and help teachers solve problems together. When teachers learn to treat children calmly, resolutely and uncontrollably, children's behavior will change. The way teachers treat students has a great influence on their self-esteem. If a rebellious child feels despised, he is likely to compensate his inferiority complex in a more rebellious way.

When you go to school to deal with children's problems, you should do the following:

1. Keep a calm, resolute and uncontrolled attitude.

2. Take the initiative to learn more.

3. Participate in it and become a problem-solving partner.

4. Communicate with knowledgeable people or professionals and seek advice.

5. Have a clear understanding of what you want.

Tell the teacher what he needs to know about your child.

Praise the teacher.

8. Support school work without getting angry.

Refractory disorders usually come from the following reasons:

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, learning disabilities, depression/bipolar disorder, anxiety, alcohol and drug abuse, health problems, Asperger's syndrome, Tourette's disease and other emergencies.

In this case, it is very important to teach children some mental health knowledge besides sticking to what they have learned in the previous eight days. In addition, you must seek the help of a professional psychologist or doctor.

After studying and practicing for the first nine days, I believe your child has made great progress. But remember, children's rebellion may be repeated. Please don't lose heart when children test your patience with rebellion. Hang in there and don't panic. Keep the pace of progress, admit your own shortcomings, and stay away from the trap of negative questioning.

Always be tolerant of children and invite teachers and family members to participate. Finally, don't neglect your spare time. You're great.

In life, children will really feel safe.

1. This is a book that teaches you how to train children not to beat and scold or get angry. Rebellious children are very easy to lose their temper and show moodiness. They always refuse to do what adults ask and are unwilling to accept the authority of adults. At this time, it is necessary to get understanding and give up control over children in order to gain more control; If you don't force your children to listen, they will start listening to you.

2. If your child has severe symptoms of violence or depression, it is recommended to seek professional help. But for all families, it is helpful to learn the methods in these ten days.

On the first day, I learned why children are rebellious. The child's resistance was purposeful. The child's reaction was rebellious because he didn't know how to control his thoughts and emotions. It is very important to remember this when you get along with your children.

The next day, understand your rebellious child. Understanding is the most effective way to eliminate rebellion. Listening is the key to understanding. Don't criticize children blindly. Love alone is not enough. If you don't express your understanding, your children won't feel your love. You should reduce the negative emotions in your heart and see more advantages and positive aspects in your child.

On the third day, avoid shouting, which is a very serious problem. The real reason for yelling is that you want to express your anger, so you have to deal with your emotional problems first.

On the fourth day, avoid power struggle: because it will lead to both losses, you need to change your mentality and learn to give your children the right to choose.

On the fifth day, to strengthen children's positive changes is to praise them when they do something right. The most effective and persistent thing is verbal praise.

On the sixth day, rely on discipline: it must be regarded as a way to educate and support children, not a way to win control.

On the seventh day, mobilize the support of family members: family members should not compare rebellious children with other people's children, and increase the opportunities to cooperate with children and spend time alone.

On the eighth day, reduce children's rebellious behavior in school: at this time, parents should play the role of school consultants and help teachers solve problems together.

On the ninth day, to overcome stubborn obstacles, we need to understand stubborn obstacles, teach children some mental health knowledge, and learn to seek the help of professional psychologists or doctors.

On the tenth day, reduce rebellious behavior for a long time: please remember that children's rebellion may be repeated. Please don't lose heart, stick to it and don't panic. Always be tolerant of children and invite teachers and family members to participate.

Finally, don't neglect your spare time. Only by having a wonderful life can children really feel safe.