Dad: "Look what I bought for you?"

The son ran happily and said, "This is my favorite biscuit. Why is there an empty box left? "

Dad: "Son, dad was afraid that you would be angry and ate it himself."

49 thousand

I am lucky that she is not really angry.

My wife went to work. I went to my buddy's house to play for a while. He went to pour me tea. I saw his bed sitting on it a few times and found a bra. At the thought of his wife's figure, I was just a yy, so I stuffed it in my pocket and went to pick up my wife.

Unexpectedly, she found out, and she looked at me with a face of resentment. I was just about to find an excuse when my wife said, I won't touch the bra next time.

I am so lucky that she is not really angry!

49 thousand

How lonely.

I received a sales call today, and the other party said, "Hello, sir, can you excuse me?"

I said, "No! At least ten minutes, no one has called me for a long time. "

49 thousand

Can't you be a man?

The teacher told Xiaoming to get up in class to answer questions, trying to exercise his courage.

Xiao Ming said weakly. . . Teacher, I ... . I won't. . .

The teacher said, can't you be a man?

Xiao Ming is very thoughtful. . . Finally, Xiao Ming patted the table angrily and shouted, "I don't want it!" " "

49 thousand

When a man faces a woman, he needs to talk about strategies in order to impress her heart and change her mind.

When a man faces a woman, he must talk about strategy in order to move her heart and change her mind.

For example, once I was punished for kneeling on the washboard. When I knelt down, I remembered something and immediately said to my wife, "Wife, you bought these pants. I am so distressed when I am kneeling. "

She was greatly moved and immediately helped me up and said, "That husband, get up and put on what your mother bought."

49 thousand

After several severe domestic violence, my wife can't even look at me now.

After several severe domestic violence, my wife can't even look at me now. As long as she looks at me, I will sit on the ground and cry.

49 thousand

Uncle, you are so witty.

A stupid thief dumped the stolen truck out of the garage and was stopped by an old man in the countryside. He immediately called the police. The thief didn't understand and asked uncle, how do you know this car was stolen? Grandpa replied: As soon as you get on the bus, the car will automatically call the police. The policeman asked: How did you report it? Grandpa A: Attention, please, stealing cars! Attention, please, car theft!

49 thousand

Teacher, is this not good?

Our junior high school chemistry teacher is a first-class teacher. At that time, he hit someone in the chest. Then a girl in our class is very masculine. When the girl made a mistake, the chemistry teacher punched her in the chest. Our whole class was stunned, and the teacher was blinded. She asked the girl silently, are you a woman? The girl nodded, and our class burst into laughter instantly. ...

49 thousand

Shit, isn't self-motivation used to make money?

Some girls like to say, "I don't care if a man has money, I only care if he is motivated."

Shit, isn't self-motivation used to make money?

49 thousand

Dad, let me explain.

I just went to the toilet, and there was a buddy squatting next door. I'm about to light a cigarette. I also took out my lighter and politely said to the young man next door: Brother next door, want one?

The next door didn't speak, handed a cigarette, came out after going to the toilet, and the buddy just opened the door. ...

Me: Dad, why are you? ...

Forget it, I'm writing a guarantee!

49 thousand

My position at home is so stable.

My wife said to me in the morning, "honey, you always talk in your sleep." Why don't you go to the hospital for a checkup? "

I refused as soon as I heard it. How can I go to the hospital for treatment? If it is cured, my only right to speak at home will be gone.

49 thousand

The gap between the rich and the poor is really big.

Local tyrants accompany the goddess to eat. Local tyrants eat very hard. Goddess: You taste so cute.

Diaosi eats with the goddess. Diaosi eats very hard. Goddess: You've never eaten it in your life!

49 thousand

Double Ninth Festival is gay day.

On the Double Ninth Festival, my roommate said, "Shall we go to the movies?"

I shook my head and said, "No, no!"

The roommate wondered, "What, we're not all going to see it together?"

I said, "Usually, not today! Because I have a saying on the Internet that the Double Ninth Festival is gay, and two men traveling on this day will be considered gay! "

My roommate said, "Isn't the Double Ninth Festival a holiday for the elderly? How did it become a gay festival? "

I explained: "Yin is a woman, male is a yang, and Chongyang is two men ..."

The roommate interrupted, "Isn't this explanation a bit far-fetched?"

I continued: "It's not far-fetched, otherwise why do you want chrysanthemums on the Double Ninth Festival!"

Roommate: ......

49 thousand

Beauty, why did I feel so painful when I first met you?

I saw a buddy on the bus, flushed, staring at a beautiful woman for almost 10 minutes.

The buddy finally spoke: "Beauty, why did I feel so miserable the first time I saw you?" It hurts, so real, suffocating! " "

Beauty: "Speak human words."

"You stepped on my foot." The elder brothers shouted.

49 thousand

Does he have anything to do with you?

Today, I took the bus, and a pair of mm came up to hold a Teddy.

The driver said: you can't take the dog on the bus.

One of them, mm: He is not a dog. We regard him as our son.

Fu Gang, the driver, wanted to talk. I said, Have you done a paternity test?

49 thousand

Female demon

Once I went out to play with my girlfriend. She wore a little thin clothes. I said it was cold at night, but my girlfriend said it wasn't. I passed by the commercial street. This product is a little cold. Why don't you buy a dress? I know the clothes in the front shop can look good. ...

49 thousand

Am I too witty?

According to my observation for nearly half a month, the girls in the opposite building will take a bath at 9: 38 every night, and the time will basically not exceed 30 seconds.

This means that I don't need to waste too much time, as long as I can stay by the window at around 9: 30 in the evening, I can set the time of my watch!

49 thousand

Is this still a real mother?

Me: "Mom! The first time I took the subway, I was touched by a wretched man! "

Mom: "Then your leg hair didn't hurt the rogue's hand, did it?"

Me: "..."

49 thousand

What is the way of Confucius and Mencius?

"What is a king?"

"Not good? Hit him. "

"What is overbearing?"

"Hey, also play."

"What is the way of Confucius and Mencius?"

"Tell him before you hit him."

49 thousand

So you two happen to be together.

Today, I met a female college classmate I haven't seen for years. I think she is pregnant, and she is pregnant.

I can't help but sigh: "I really envy you. After so many years of graduation, you are going to have a baby, and I am still looking for someone ... "

After listening, she also sighed and said to me, "Hey … what do you envy?" ! I'm looking, too! "

49 thousand

Now I'm more sure it was sent by mobile phone.

My parents didn't have time to take care of me when I was a child. My grandparents have been watching me and sending me to kindergarten every day.

As a result, one day after school, no one came to pick me up I held the iron gate of the kindergarten until it was dark.

Suddenly I saw my parents walking this way. My mother pointed at me and said to my father, "Look at this child, just like our son!" "

49 thousand

Prove that you are scum in one sentence.

Teacher: "Prove that you are scum in one sentence."

Xiao Ming: "Look at my grades and you will know how many people are taking the exam …" "

49 thousand

Something seems to be wrong.

I have been married for 8 years and have been rushing to wash clothes. My wife praises me for being diligent to everyone. I feel lucky because my wife doesn't know that I keep the money she left in my pocket for myself every time I wash clothes, and I get something more or less every time ... but recently, I feel something is wrong. For 8 years, I have money every time. Why has it never exceeded 50 cents?

49 thousand

Scared me to death. I was right.

An uncle went to the bank to withdraw money and went straight to the window. The security guard came over and said, "Grandpa, press the number." Grandpa: "What?" Security guard: "Press the number." Grandpa thought, this is a big bank, and it needs a secret code to withdraw money, so he whispered to the security guard, "The heavenly king covers the land." The security guard had no choice but to help the old man press a queue ticket. The old man thought, You scared me to death, but I was right.

49 thousand

I finally know how scary it is to ride a roller coaster.

Finally know that riding a roller coaster is really scary. I vomited like a bullet when I sat down, and I found a piece of gum in my mouth when I came down. This is not my special welfare! !

49 thousand

It's not about how much it costs.

It's not a question of more money or less. If colleagues are too difficult to get along with, it will really make people unwilling to work in this company. I know this very well, because since I came to work, many people have resigned.

Can you still have a pleasant walk?

After visiting the park, my wife took my hand and left. ...

Husband: What are you pulling? There are so many people. Is it ugly?

The wife didn't speak, just pointed to the sign on the roadside. The husband looked at it and said, Nima, please take the garbage away. ...

15

It's not easy for girls

It's not easy for girls Manyouyou is a "man woman", dressed as a "foreign clothes", smiling as "green tea", shedding tears as "princess disease", keeping morality as "Bai Lianhua", staying at home as a "dead house girl", going out for a stroll as "nightclub coffee" and being single for a long time as an old maid.

15

New three-character warp line

The security guard asked three questions: Who are you, where are you from and where are you going? Three questions in the canteen: which one do you want, how much do you want, and do you want it? Teach yourself three questions: Anyone, can you do it, understand? Love changes three questions: who are you, who is he and who am I? The leader asked three questions: what do you think, what do you do and what do you do? Dinner three questions: what to eat, who to eat with and where to eat?

15

I'm lucky to be alive.

Drinking with my buddies, we both drank a little too much. When we went back, my buddy insisted on driving by himself and said no problem. On the way, he suddenly stopped and looked around. I asked him, "What's the matter?" Can't find the direction? "

"No, it's not that bad. I just can't find the steering wheel. " Dude, answer

15

You will never know how brave you are unless you push yourself.

I don't force myself to never know how brave I am. Now I dare to stand and talk to my girlfriend.

15

My girlfriend quarreled with me and told me to leave the woman.

Colleague: Did you quarrel with your girlfriend?

Me: Well, he told me to leave a woman.

Colleague: What did you say?

Me: I'm not leaving.

Colleague: You're going to piss off your girlfriend!

Me: Do you want me to piss my mother off? Fuck!

15

Don't think that after breaking up, I went to your space or Weibo to see it twice, thinking that people still can't forget you.

Don't think that after breaking up, I went to your space or Weibo to see it twice, thinking that people still can't forget you and still care about you. Netizen said: I have to look back at the toilet after going to the toilet.

15

Lying in the trough exposed

My daughter-in-law suddenly asked me: What am I to you?

My brother thought it over carefully and said in the spirit of romanticism: your cigarette, my cigarette, is uncomfortable for a day without smoking.

I thought she would be happy, but she said, why don't you quit? Do you want to die?

Lying in the trough Exposed. . .

15

Fortunately, it was not found.

Without staring at him for a few minutes, the unlucky child squeezed out most of his wife's expensive skin care water and poured mineral water to save his father's life. After taking a shower at night, I watched my wife pat her face nervously under the covers. My wife vomited a few words: "This thing is good, and it is absorbed faster and faster!"

15

Xiao Ming, what do you think of cheating in the exam?

Principal: Xiao Ming, what do you think of cheating in the exam?

Xiao Ming: Just like your wife is pregnant with someone else's child, it is technically successful, but you don't advocate this practice.

One day, Aries and a lion walked into the restaurant.

What did the boss say you wanted? The sheep said,' A set meal. Thank you. "

The boss asked again, "isn't your lion hungry?"

The sheep said, "No, thanks."

The boss wouldn't give up and asked, really? '

The sheep said yes

The boss is a little unwilling to ask:' Think again, is it really unnecessary?

The sheep growled impatiently. Do you think I can still be here if it is hungry?

2. A woman disguised as a man went to join the army. She had her period on the battlefield. As soon as the company commander saw it, he let the stretcher carry her away. She said it's okay. The company commander is in a hurry. He took off her trousers and said, "What's all right? JB was bombed and said nothing? " ! "

One night, the mother coaxed 10-year-old son to sleep alone in his room. The little guy just wanted his mother to sleep with him, but the helpless mother said, "You are a shame. Such a big person still needs his mother to sleep with him!" "

"Dad is not old, you have to sleep with him every day!" The son said confidently.

4. When I saw her face with a shy and lovely expression, I couldn't help shivering and asked in a low voice, "What about you ... do you really like me?" She buried her head and said, "Guess!" "I like it ~" Her face is redder and her head is lower. "Guess again!"

On the bus, a standing pregnant woman said to the man sitting next to her, don't you know I'm pregnant? See that person says nervously only: "the child is not mine!" ! "

6. A man wanted to jump off a building, and his wife shouted: Husband, don't be impulsive, we still have a long way to go! Hearing this, the man swooped down. The policeman said, "You really shouldn't threaten him like this! ! "

7. Children are thinking about "heredity and environment". Mother interjected: "This question is very simple. Everyone knows that if a child is like a father, it is hereditary. " Like neighbors, that's the environment. "

8. A couple went to register for marriage. "Have you ever had a premarital examination?" "Checked, his home. The cars are gone. " "I'm going to the hospital." The young woman blushed and whispered, "Yes, it's a boy."

9. Xiao Di MM has a swimming class for the first time. An hour later, she said to the coach, "I think, is that enough for today?" "Why?" "I really can't drink any more."

10. After the Tang Priest drove Wukong away, he met a monster again and had to spell to call Wukong back for help. Soon a loud voice came from the air: Sorry, the subscriber you dialed is out of service, please redial later.

1 1. A gorilla came to the zoo, so ugly that tourists threw up. One day I went and I vomited; Another day, you went and the orangutan threw up.

12. In Chinese class, the teacher called a sleepy classmate to answer questions. The classmate was in a daze and couldn't say anything ... The teacher said, "Is that okay?" I won't scream either! Classmate: "Cheep." "

13. The child stole the parrot kept in the brothel. As soon as he entered the door, the parrot called, Move! Seeing his mother, he shouted: The boss has changed, too! Seeing his sister, he shouted, Miss has changed! Seeing his father, he shouted, I'm still an old customer!

14. Mice are particularly depressed without girlfriends. Finally, a bat agreed to marry him, and the mouse was very happy. Others laughed at his lack of foresight. Mouse: What do you know? She is at least a stewardess.

15. Xiao zhiruo: mom, why does the aunt who gives medicine wear a mask?

Mom: The medicine I gave you is delicious. The dean is worried that they will steal it.

Xiao Zhiruo: Wearing masks for those uncles with knives is because they are afraid of eating, right?

16. The driver who applied for a driver's license lost his job after handling the marriage certificate, because he habitually asked, "Are you for entertainment or business?"

17. The woman is ugly and can't get married, hoping to be trafficked. Finally, my dream came true, but I couldn't sell it for half a month. When the kidnapper brought it back, she insisted on not getting off the bus. The kidnapper gritted his teeth and stamped his feet: go, don't take the car! ! !

18.20 years ago, dad held you waiting for the bus. Everyone laughed at the ugly child, and dad cried. An old man selling bananas patted his father and said, "Don't cry, big brother, give the monkey a banana!" " ! Poor thing, I'm so hungry that I have no hair. "