I am sad to realize that they are old, and I am determined to be more filial.
This Spring Festival, my parents want me to accompany them to travel to Hainan. They need my protection and care. Of course, I am duty-bound, but from departure to return, my father and I often quarrel about finding a way. He basically opposed my arrangement, while my mother agreed with him. All this makes me very depressed.
My parents and I always get along well. Their affection is very strong, and they are also very kind to us, urging us to have a baby as a toy for them as soon as possible, saying that they packed everything before the child went to kindergarten at the age of three.
But he always thinks I'm too polite in their house. What he said made me angry and wronged. I'm just not used to my mother-in-law doing so many things for me.
As soon as she arrives at my home, she will help me clean up and often take the initiative to knit me a sweater. I have a cold, you cook Chinese medicine for me. It always touches me, but I don't know how to refuse. I can tell her that this room is a mess, but I am very comfortable. I buy a lot of sweaters every year, and I don't need to knit by hand at all. Chinese medicine tastes terrible, and I'm not sick!
Like her, I suddenly found my parents old. The most important change is my relationship with my father. He treated himself as a father and taught me for 30 years. Suddenly one day, he started asking for my advice, and then I felt that I was talking more and more at home. As the only son of my parents, I feel a strong responsibility.
To tell the truth, most of the reasons why we plan to have children are for the sake of our parents, because they will feel at ease when they have children.
Their family situation is a little different from ours. My father-in-law was very busy before he retired. She is very independent. She has her own ideas since she was a child and is not used to relying on others. Although she is filial to her parents, her attitude is sometimes a bit stiff. I went to Hainan to quarrel with my father-in-law, thinking that she imposed too many ideas on her parents. She is very kind to my parents, but she is too polite.
My parents came to visit her as soon as she was ill. It was already dark when they left, and she insisted that I take them back. They are all in the same city, and the transportation is very convenient, but I took my parents home, leaving her alone. She is very unhappy about it. She said to send her parents home so late. What if something happens? Parents have their own space and ideas. Although they are over 60 years old, they don't feel old. We just need to follow them and make them happy.
Teacher Mu:
When people reach middle age, they will sigh and feel that their parents are old and their children grow sturdily. Someone once selflessly propped up the sky, shade and fertile soil for us and sheltered us from the wind and rain. When we can hold up a sky, under our shade, there should be the happiness of the elderly and the laughter of the children. How do people adapt to the role transformation of society and family when they reach old age or middle age?
Oriental society is not a society that encourages high differentiation, and the subconscious demand for family is very strong. Western psychologists believe that family conflicts are mostly power conflicts, while eastern psychologists believe that they are family conflicts. Xixi's family seems to be less intimate than Dongdong's, but in fact it has great internal dependence. Such a family needs to maintain emotional balance through some inconsistencies, otherwise, it will form a "bond." They subconsciously feel that "bonding" is not good, which will hinder their personality development. So Xixi's parents are busy with social work, which gives her great trust and freedom.
The intimate mode within this family is to keep differences and distance. The unpleasant quarrel and anger between her and her parents are the needs of the family, and positive communication can break through the reserved distance between them. The internal message of anger is "I love you, I care about you, and I have expectations and requirements for you". Being polite to Xixi Dongdong's parents seems to be the result of psychological defense and insecurity. Actually, it should be a question of intimacy. She needs to keep an appropriate intimate distance and personality space with others, which is her right. A sense of distance from others is an inherent need. Some people need to be closer to the people they love, while others need to relax and don't want to be so entangled.
If Xixi wants to form a harmonious relationship with Dongdong's parents, she needs to be deeply aware of her growth. We should realize that any intimate inner model is based on the intimate relationship with important people (parents, relatives, friends) in childhood. When we grow up, we don't realize that we are completely free in intimate relationships, and we can choose a more intimate model again. It is Xixi's psychological dilemma in the new family relationship to unconsciously look for traces of childhood and repeat his inner experience.
Mrs. Mu:
Teacher Mu, I don't object that you regard Xixi's discomfort as a psychological defense, but I think Dongdong has his own problems. There is nothing wrong with parents accepting things according to Xixi's inner emotional model. On the contrary, she unconsciously needs to keep a certain intimate distance to maintain a peaceful relationship. This is how Xixi faces new relationships and life with his true self. Why does Dongdong think his wife is too polite? Because he may interpret normal differences as problems. He couldn't agree with Xixi's intimate model, but Xixi lived and grew up in this model for 30 years.
In fact, the mother-in-law is good to her daughter-in-law, thinking about being good to her son, and the daughter-in-law is good to her mother-in-law, which is a kind of respect and distance for the younger generation and the consent of both sides. I hope things can be more casual and have a good motivation in front of my parents, but as a result, I have created a problem out of thin air and increased the pressure on my wife. It can be said that haste makes waste. Think about it, Dongdong's intimate mode is obviously different from Xixi's. In Dongdong's family, consistency and mutual recognition among family members are very important. Therefore, it is only possible for the father to "teach him" for 30 years. He will say that having children is also to "reassure parents." If he yells at his family like Xixi's parents, he may never be forgiven, but Xixi's parents are just angry, and Xixi's family relationship is more flexible and tolerant.
From the perspective of psychological differentiation theory, Dongdong's family differentiation is lower than Xixi's, and his personality is softer. Of course, this is more in line with the eastern ethical color. But in such a family, the inner tension is not low but high. Because everyone needs intimacy, either pretending not to know, or suppressing inner conflicts and differences, or really unconsciously suppressing. Any intimate relationship is a double-edged sword, and there will be deprivation, coercion and restriction when you love it. In Xixi's family, there is no fear of differences and contradictions. If we accept independence and differences, there will certainly be fewer restrictions. Some inconsistencies seem to be no big deal. With tension, everyone will be free to release, and the inner pressure will be less. I like that children can argue freely with their parents, and they are a family fighting for power and profit. I grew up in such a family.