"I have paid for him like this, and he has done so badly. I am tired and really don't want to continue. "
Whenever I hear such a complaint, I want to ask the other person directly: "Do you know what your other half wants?"
0 1
Feifei, a good friend of mine, recently divorced her husband. Asked why, she admitted that her ex-husband didn't care about her at all, and she didn't notice each other's love at all.
Feifei, I still know her. She is sincere and kind, works in a hurry, and does everything for her friends, just like a woman. But just like every woman has a little girl in her heart, Feifei naturally has a girlish side, which can be seen from her casual love for her ex-husband in marriage.
If there is a girl, there is hope that the other half will be selfless, tolerant and concerned about her.
Feifei said that after so many years of marriage, she felt that she would always pay more for this family than her ex-husband. Shopping, cooking, cleaning, caring for the elderly, taking care of the children, and so on, all the household chores are busy with Feifei. On the other hand, her ex-husband, like a child, goes to work every day, having a meal, playing games and sometimes not even washing dishes.
At first, Feifei did not regret her efforts and enthusiasm for the people and families she chose. She believes that women are emotional animals and can give everything for the people they love.
But gradually, Feifei became more and more unbearable. If a man wants to earn money to support his family, it doesn't matter if he goes home to eat a ready-made meal and play games, but what Feifei can't stand most is his extreme indifference to himself: he has time to play games, but he doesn't want to listen to what is happening at home, do some housework as much as he can, and don't want to spend his mind with his children. She feels that it is extremely unfair that the other party has neither paid nor cared for herself in life.
But is the fact really as Feifei said?
In my impression, her ex-husband is a very responsible person. Two people who can be together must have something in common in character. Although the ex-husband is a little straight and inarticulate, he still has his own uniqueness in dealing with people. He is generous to his friends and often doesn't care about being taken advantage of and suffering small losses. Once, he still had work to finish. In order to take care of my birthday mood, he chose to sing K with us before going back to work overtime.
Why did he become what Feifei thought in his marriage?
02
In fact, true love is never paid blindly, but needs to be paid.
My cousin and brother-in-law are model couples in our eyes. Their example is not for us to see, but our heartfelt envy.
Once I went to their house for dinner. It is agreed that my cousin and brother-in-law will cook in person today. My cousin knows that I like fish, so she went to the vegetable market early in the morning to buy a live fish and said she wanted to show me something.
But when it came to practical operation, my cousin chickened out. Because when reading the menu, my cousin misjudged the difficulty of cooking fish, and she got cold feet, so my cousin, who is extremely good at cooking, encouraged her to focus on this dish.
My cousin's face suddenly turned pale, and there must be a similar subtext in his heart: it was obviously your idea, but now you temporarily want me to carry this pot. I saw my cousin's dilemma and said, forget it, we'll eat the fish next time.
However, my cousin did not intend to give up. She put her hand on her cousin's shoulder and said to him affectionately, "Husband, your usual skills are so good that fish used to be necessary." There is no reason why this temporary battle will be messed up. " I have always recognized your cooking. Although it's a little hasty this time, I believe that this dish that Haha likes will definitely be served as long as it is half the usual level. "
Being praised by his own woman, my cousin can no longer resist the desire to carry a gun and get on the horse. He nodded hard and took the live fish straight to the kitchen. Looking at his eager back, my cousin and I smiled at each other.
I have a strong feeling that there will be something delicious tonight.
I didn't realize that there were too many delicious dishes until they were busy all afternoon and all the good dishes were served. My favorite braised fish is completely submerged in the sea. Perhaps the preparation was really too hasty, and the fish did not reach the ideal height.
Cousin raised her glass and gently touched her husband's glass, saying, "Dear, it's really hard for you to cook so many dishes today. But every dish is so delicious that only you in our family are qualified to do this task. In the future, you will definitely open up a new world in the kitchen industry, and my son and I will definitely have a good life. "
Cousin nodded with a smile. He has always kept a low profile and said little, but he can clearly feel his high mood.
03
Similarly, my heart is full of love and I want to release it. Some people devote themselves wholeheartedly, but in the end they can't get the happiness they want, while others can be filled with the happiness of the other half. This is because people who have the ability to love never just give.
How do capable people do it? This should start from the three levels of love.
The first level of love is to meet your own needs. When we were children, we were often happy all day because we bought our favorite toys, and we were often excited because we ate our favorite food. This kind of love is basically based on meeting one's own needs and does not involve anyone or anything else. This is very self-love, but also the most primary love.
The second level of love is "self-righteous" giving. This level of love seems to be more advanced than the first level of love that meets your own needs, because it is based on loving each other, not yourself. Just like my good friend Feifei, she takes the role of a woman in marriage and pays for her family and the other half without hesitation, thinking that women pay more than men. But in the end, what she got was quite different from what she gave, which made her very disappointed and denounced men for not being grateful. As everyone knows, she has become a typical "self-righteous".
The third level of love is to meet each other's needs. This is true love. Everything you do for each other is based on each other's needs, not your own "self-righteousness". Because what you want to do for others must be based on their needs.
Like my cousin and brother-in-law. Although my cousin didn't take much practical action in cooking that day, most of the work was done by my cousin. But that is what my cousin did willingly, without any reluctance. The reason is that as a man, he needs to be encouraged and recognized at any time, which is the demand of men in the family. Although my cousin's cooking has not reached its peak, he has not shown enough investment in cooking. But after my cousin's oral and physical approval, my cousin's enthusiasm was ignited. He is full of confidence in himself and willing to spare no effort to pay for his family.
A word of praise that a man wants to hear can make his fuel tank fill up instantly. How interesting this is.
Fromm, a famous American philosopher and psychologist, said: "Love is not a relationship with a specific person at first, it is an attitude and a temperament. This attitude and temperament determine a person's relationship with the whole world, not with the same' object of love'. If someone loves only one person and is indifferent to others, then his love is not love, but a symbiotic attachment, or an enlarged egoism. "
Just like my cousin's approval of my cousin's love, true love must be based on meeting each other's needs. Unlike the lowest love, it is to meet one's own needs, and unlike the intermediate love, it is love on the surface, but in essence it is an act of falling in love with giving.
If you really want to love someone, you should always observe what the other person needs and satisfy them. At the same time, don't forget to tell each other what you want, what you like and what you want at all times, and also point out the direction for each other how to love you.