2, a woman is ugly, can't get married, and hopes to be trafficked. Finally, my dream came true, but I couldn't sell it for half a month. The kidnapper sent him back, and she insisted on not getting off the bus. The kidnapper gritted his teeth and stamped his foot: Go, don't want the car.
3. Twenty years ago, my father held you waiting for the bus. Everyone laughed at the ugly child and my father cried. An old man selling bananas patted his father and said, "Stop crying, big brother, and give a banana to the monkey!"! Poor thing, I'm so hungry that I have no hair. "
4. On the plane, a parrot said to the stewardess, "Give me a glass of water." The pig followed the parrot's example and said to the stewardess, "Give me a glass of water." The stewardess was furious and threw the parrot and the pig off the plane. At this time, the parrot said to the pig, "be silly, I can fly."
5. An old farmer was hoeing in the field, and a crow flew over and took a shit and fell on the old farmer's face. The old farmer looked up and cursed: "Depend on your mother! I don't know how to wear shorts when I go out! " The crow said, "Shit! You shit and wear underpants! "
6. It is said that a lady bought a female parrot on a whim. I didn't expect to bring it home. The first thing it said was: "Do you want to sleep with me?"
When the lady heard this, she thought: No, outsiders thought I taught this, which didn't ruin my lady image. So she tried her best to give the parrot something elegant, but the female parrot was determined and would only say, "Do you want to sleep with me?"
..... What should I do? When the lady lost her opinion, I heard that the priest also kept a parrot (male), and that parrot, instead of swearing, was a devout believer and prayed most of the time every day. So the lady went to the priest for help. After understanding her purpose, the priest looked slightly difficult and said, "Well, it's very difficult. In fact, the parrot didn't deliberately teach it anything. The reason why it is so pious may be because it has been edified here for a long time."
Seeing that the lady was very upset, the priest said, "Tell you what, you bring that parrot to me and I'll put them together.". I hope that after a period of time, your parrot can be influenced. I can only do this, whether it works or not depends on God's will ... "
As soon as the lady hears this, she can only do this. Isn't there a saying: Is it near Zhu Zhechi? Give it a try. So she took the parrot to the priest. The priest put two parrots together as promised. At first, the female parrot was still a little stiff. Seeing the male parrot in the corner of the cage, praying silently, I really couldn't bear to bother. But she still couldn't help herself. Finally, clear voice said, "Do you want to sleep with me? “
Hearing this, the male parrot stopped praying, turned to look at the female parrot, and suddenly burst into tears: "Thank God, my wish to pray for so many years has finally come true ..."
7, girls don't say that.
A man said to a woman, "I invite you to dinner."
The woman said, "Another day."
8. Save money bucket
A widow went to buy cucumbers and told her not to slice them, but the cucumber seller forgot to slice them. When the widow saw it, she scolded, "Do you think I'm a fucking money bucket?"
9. Internship
A large group of girls went to the farm for internship, and the bishop of the farm milked the cows. After the demonstration, they taught everyone to try it themselves. At this time, a girl was puzzled to see that others had squeezed a small half tube and her own was only a little bit. The farmer came to see and said, Miss, you not only squeezed in the wrong place, but also chose the wrong cow.
10, a handsome guy wants to buy condoms.
A handsome guy wanted to buy a condom, but he didn't know the size. The waitress had no choice but to check it, and said to her colleagues around her: A box of 5-inch, oh, no, 7-inch ... Oh, my God, get the toilet paper quickly. . . . . . . .
1 1, bump into an ex-girlfriend flirting with a new lover
Shadow Pig was just abandoned by his girlfriend, and happened to meet his ex-girlfriend flirting with his new lover in the street. The more he watched it, the more angry he became, and he wanted to humiliate them. So I said hello politely and said contemptuously to my girlfriend's new love, "You don't dislike the secondhand goods I used!" Just when he was proud of his creativity, his ex-girlfriend laughed and said, "One inch outside is old, and all inside is brand-new!"
12, missing point
Roll call after class, if you don't come, your final grade will be deducted 50 points! When I read a brother, I somehow jumped over, so he shouted, "Teacher, you missed the point!" "
The old teacher who was over sixty looked down and said, "No ~"
13, one summer, a young man in slippers got on a bus. He sat down and crossed his legs. Opposite him sat a girl in a miniskirt (without underwear), and the bus left! ! Suddenly! A brake! The boy's feet are inserted into the girl's BB, hey! That's the way it is! After two days, the girl felt that her BB was very uncomfortable, so she went to the hospital. When the doctor checked, she was surprised and said, "Wow, your BB has athlete's foot, which is strange."
Just then, the door was pushed open, and another doctor broke in and said, "What's strange about this? There was a young man with syphilis on his feet just now! ！” .
14, before the masquerade ball, the wife suddenly felt unwell and told her husband to go to the party alone. Later, the wife felt better, put on a suit of fashion that her husband had never seen before, and drove to the dance. Just entering the door, the wife saw her husband flirting with other women, so she was jealous and decided to test her husband. She went to her husband and threw herself at him with a charming voice. Finally, he was lured to the back garden to enjoy himself. At midnight, when everyone was about to take off their underclothes, the wife quietly left. And her husband didn't come back until three o'clock in the morning.
"How was the dance? "The wife asked. "It's not funny. "The husband answered. "What on earth did you do there? "
The wife repeatedly asked. "To tell you the truth," said the husband, "when I got there, I saw several friends without their wives, so we played cards in the study. ""Have you been playing cards all night? "The wife screamed. "Yes, but I lent my clothes and mask to another old friend. That guy boasted to me at the end of the dance that it was the best night of his life!
15, bridal chamber night, the bride has undressed and gone to bed.
The groom also took off his coat, shirt and tie, but he was in trouble when he got to the shoes.
Because the shoelaces can't be untied, they are more and more connected. The bride is anxious and says, "What a fool! There is a knife there, just cut it with a knife!" "
The bride's mother eavesdropped in the next room in order to know if everything was going well. When she heard the bride say this, she shouted, "No, you can't use a knife." She said across the wall, "Tell him to put some saliva on it."
16, there was a couple. The husband liked bowling very much, but he was also afraid of his wife, who loved smoking. One night, the wife found that she had run out of cigarettes, so she told her husband to buy them. The husband had no choice but to buy them, but it was already late, and the nearby grocery stores were closed, which worried him. The husband suddenly thought that there should be cigarettes in the bar, so he went and arrived.
In the middle of the night, the husband suddenly thought that he had forgotten to buy cigarettes for his wife, and he was afraid that his wife would kill him if she knew about it, so he asked the lady if she had talcum powder. The lady was very strange, but she gave it to him anyway. The husband put talcum powder on his hand and went home. As soon as he entered the house, the husband saw his wife standing there angrily. The wife asked her husband, "Where the hell have you been!"
The husband replied honestly, "There is no place to sell cigarettes on the roadside, so I went to the bar. When I got to the bar, I saw a beautiful lady, so I went to talk, and then we went to check in."
After listening, the wife said to her husband, "Put out your hand!" "
The husband obediently held out his hand for his wife to see, and the wife was furious and said, "I didn't say you went bowling with friends!" What's wrong with your hand! "
17, a couple went to stay in the suburbs, and the owner of the hotel told them to bear with them, because there was often a power outage at night because the electricity was not enough.
I didn't expect the couple not only didn't mind, but thought it was exciting, so they agreed to make out as soon as the power went out.
Sure enough, in the evening, the electricity was stopped every two hours, and after several times, the man had to drag his tired body to consult with the hotel owner. "Boss, I'd like to pay more, but would you please do me a favor and stop the electricity every four hours?"
The hotel owner smiled awkwardly and said, "I'm happy to help you, but it's a pity that you're a little late. Your girlfriend has already paid me more just now, on condition that the electricity is stopped every half hour!" "
18, carrot saw ham sausage and said: Wow! That's rich. I'm wearing leather. Sausage: What is this? Look at sausages, they are wearing genuine leather, and we are still wearing this artificial leather.
19, Kangaroo and frog go whoring chicken, Kangaroo does it three times and two times, and only listens to the frog next door all night. One, two, three. Hey! Kangaroos are so envious. The next day, the kangaroo said, "Wow! ~ ~ Brother Frog, you are great! " The frog said, "cao, I didn't jump into bed all night!" ~~
20. It is said that there is a shy little boy who is attracted to a beautiful and elegant woman. Shy, he secretly observed her life every day, and finally found a cycle-she must eat noodles in a noodle shop one day every week.
He felt that the time was ripe, so he waited for her at the noodle shop one day. When she entered the shop and sat down, he took a deep breath, got up the courage and strode forward to ask her name.
He said, "Miss, what's your name?"
The young lady opened her big eyes and said to him, "My name is beef noodles."
2 1 A couple watched people dance in the ballroom. The husband said with emotion, "The world is really strange. That ugly stupid man has a beautiful wife." The wife smiled and said, "honey, you are really flattering."
22, Zhu Bajie's love letter (funny)
Yulan: Hello!
Yesterday, a sad day for the whole world, I finally left. I'm going to the Western Heaven on business with two other old bachelors, one is the Monkey King, and the other is Tang Priest. I may not come back until three or five years later.
Can you imagine my feelings when I left Gaolaozhuang? I am a three-step pig. How much I hope to stay in Gao Laozhuang and live a happy life with you. I plow, you weave, I pick dung, and you stock. Harmony and beauty, kindness and love. When your father's legs straighten out, we will work together in Qi Xin to give birth to a large group of piglets. Then Qi Xin will work together to send them to study, and in the future they will be trained as a million pigs and doctors. What a sense of accomplishment When we are old enough to have only one front tooth, we won't regret wasting our time, and we won't be ashamed of doing nothing. We dare to clap our fat and say that all our life and energy have been dedicated to the most magnificent cause of pigs and fight for the succession of pigs.
Unfortunately, all these beautiful dreams were punctured by that damn monkey. I took you away and burned my hole. I worked hard for years, scrimped and saved, only dared to kill 300 steamed buns in one meal, and finally bought a Xue Huadian brand 21-inch color TV set and a bulldozer brand electric fan, all of which were donated to the hardest hit area-Yan Wang by the dead monkey. Although color TV sets are often full-screen Xue Huadian, electric fans often roar like bulldozers, which are all sweaty. Dead monkey, if I can't beat him, I will kill him, cut him into many pieces and dry him in the sun. Haven't you eaten dried monkeys? I'll let you try them one day.
And that damn monk, go to the Western Heaven to get some bird scriptures. I suggest that he use door-to-door mail or door-to-door air transport. He just wouldn't listen and insisted on getting it himself. Being timid, I have to call a large group of people. In addition, there are plane phobia, train phobia, ship phobia ... Besides riding a mule and horse with serious homosexual tendencies, he is afraid of everything he sees. There are also such freaks, and the state should quickly pay for captivity and set up a protection fund. Besides, what's the use of getting the classics back? It's just a facade in the study, which makes people confused about his identity as a farmer entrepreneur. I know such people too well. You can't go. It's an old fool to catch up with the Tathagata, and Guanyin happens to be in menopause, which annoys me and makes me easy to get laid off. I can't help it. I have to go if I have difficulties, and I have to go if I don't have difficulties.
Yulan, I really can't bear to part with you. As the saying goes, a husband and wife are married for a hundred days, and we are married for two years. Although you always hold a sharp pair of scissors, I haven't touched you with a finger, and we haven't got a bed driving license issued by the civil affairs department, but after all, we have lived together for two years. It pains me to think of the bits and pieces of our life together (this is an idiom, Lan Lan, I'm afraid you don't understand, so I have to explain it. Cut with scissors. I looked it up in many dictionaries. I know that you are also very upset, but what can you do? The ancients said: If the relationship is long-lasting, it will be in the morning and evening (the ancestors speak a little yellow, please don't blame your wife), Yulan, you must wait for me to come back. And I will definitely organize a home returning group to kill it. Please be confident in this point.
Zhu Lanmei is as slim as an orchid.
Tears of Pig Brother Bajie
Gengzi in the 13th year of Xuantong.
23. A Chinese Odyssey: I once had a sincere love in front of me, and I didn't cherish it. When I lost it, I regretted it. The most painful thing in the world is this. Cut your sword on my throat! Don't hesitate any more! If God can give me another chance, I will say three words to that girl: I love you. If I have to add a time limit to this love, I hope it is-ten thousand years.
Zhou Xingchi's classic dialogue of picking up girls (be mentally prepared first .. ~ Laugh to death)
I. Bus platform
Zhou Xingxing: "Miss, you stepped on my foot."
Pretty girl: "No, I'm so far away from you."
Zhou Xingxing: "I mean, if you accidentally put your foot on my foot, you are stepping on my foot."
Pretty girl: "psycho."
Zhou Xingxing: "Wow, Miss, you have a good eye. I do have a history of neurology. I usually have seizures when I see beautiful girls."
Pretty girl: "You men are always like that, saying boring things to deliberately attract girls. It seems that you think you are handsome."
Zhou Xingxing: "Miss, you are wrong. I never thought I was handsome, but I was handsome."
Pretty chick: "Don't be so disgusting. I'm going to throw up."
Zhou Xingxing: "May I ask you a question before you throw up? “
Pretty girl: "fart quickly".
Zhou Xingxing: "Why do you deny my handsomeness without conscience? “
Pretty girl: "Go away ..."
2. On the bus
Pretty girl: "How come it's you again? “
Zhou Xingxing: "Sometimes I am everywhere."
Pretty girl: "Do you know that you are annoying? You have to sit next to me instead of sitting in so many places."
Zhou Xingxing: "Miss, you understand, I just sat in an empty seat, and there is just you next to the empty seat, that's all."
Pretty girl: "There's an empty seat in front, too. Why don't you go?" “
Zhou Xingxing: "Oh, I see. So you want to see my ass, or I want to see you with my ass? “
Pretty girl: "Get out of here ..."
Step 3 get off the bus
Pretty girl: "Why did you get off again? “
Zhou Xingxing: "It's not because of you! I like hanging out. "
Pretty girl: "I accuse you of sexual harassment, which unit are you from?" “
Zhou Xingxing: "You mean Jin, or Joule, Newton? “
Pretty girl: "Do I know you well? Always saying such nonsense, sorry, I don't catch a cold! “
Zhou Xingxing: "Yes, we don't know each other at all. We are like two green strawberries on the same branch, sour."
Pretty girl: "I watched a few Chinese Odyssey and learned a few words about Tang Priest. Do you think you are humorous?"? “
Zhou Xingxing: "Humor is innate. Blame my mother. By the way, my father ..."
Pretty girl: "Nerve."
Zhou Xingxing: "Your mother is crazy."
Pretty girl: "Your mother is crazy."
Zhou Xingxing: "Look at you, it's obviously your mother, but you insist that it's my mother. Do you want to ..."
Pretty girl: "Get out of here ..."
4. Kendeji Gate
Pretty girl: "No way, how come I'm so unlucky to meet you again."
Zhou Xingxing: "I also found out, I think my predecessor's crime must be very heavy."
Pretty girl: "You speak clearly! I'll kick your ass! “
Zhou Xingxing: "Don't you dare. I'll scream."
Pretty girl: "What's your name? “
Zhou Xingxing: "indecent assault."
Pretty girl: "Do you think someone will talk to you? “
Zhou Xingxing: "It's all right if I don't. I'll come back indecent assault."
Pretty girl: "my god, you are such a scoundrel. You are really blind!" “
Zhou Xingxing: "Well, yes, otherwise there would be no so-called elite in this world."
Pretty girl: "..."
V. Kendekiri
Pretty girl: "Don't talk, I get bored when you talk."
Zhou Xingxing: "I haven't said it yet. Can you be reasonable?" “
Pretty girl: "I told you to stop. You talk like a fly. It's disgusting."
Zhou Xingxing: "Oh, the original words can play such a big role. It's really earth-shattering. Can I take a part-time job? “
Pretty girl: "Do what? “
Zhou Xingxing: "Go to the hospital to help people with gastric lavage."
Pretty girl: "You're hopeless. Go back and take care of things early."
Zhou Xingxing: "I don't want anything before I die. I just want to say a few words to you, but I'm afraid you won't promise. Will you promise?"? “
Pretty girl: "Go ahead, reasonable requirements can be considered."
Zhou Xingxing: "Will you treat me to this Kentucky Fried Chicken? “
Pretty girl: "Go to hell ..."
6. Going out of Kendeji
Pretty girl: "Don't you have a girlfriend? Wandering alone on Sunday? “
Zhou Xingxing: "I don't have a girlfriend exactly, but I have a female friend. Why do you ask? “
Pretty girl: "Nothing, it's okay to care about your lifelong events." “
Zhou Xingxing: "OK, why not? You are like me, a person I love deeply. “
Pretty chick: "Who? ..“
Zhou Xingxing: "My mother. She always likes to ask questions. “
Pretty chick: "If there weren't so many people watching in the street, I really want to hit you."
Zhou Xingxing: "I'm not afraid of others seeing you beating me. What are you afraid of?"? What about you? Don't you stay with your boyfriend? “
Pretty chick: "Don't worry about it! “
Zhou Xingxing: "Oh, I see. Abandoned by my boyfriend, I want to find a psychological balance."
Pretty chick: "A dog can't spit ivory. Say it clearly, I don't want to find it."
Zhou Xingxing: "Think about me, I'll suffer."
Pretty girl: "Please stop disgusting me."
Zhou Xingxing: "I can be your extra unconditionally. If you need a boyfriend, please call * * * * * * * * *".
Pretty girl: "We'll talk about it then."
Zhou Xingxing: "Can you tell me your phone number? “
Pretty girl: "We'll talk about it then. Don't bother me to scold you again."
Zhou Xingxing: "OK, then send a message to scold me."
Pretty girl: ..................
7. Go home separately
Pretty chick: "Strange, I really want to send a message to scold him."
Zhou Xingxing: "Hehe. It's strange that she didn't send a message to scold me."
Pretty girl: "It's over. Do I really like that scoundrel?" “
Zhou Xingxing: "Hey, hey, she doesn't like me as a scoundrel. That's the end."
24. A hunter was hunting and saw two birds in the tree. He raised his gun and shot down one. He found that it was hairless. The hunter was wondering, and another bird flew down and cursed the hunter: "You fucking! I just stripped her naked, and you shot her down! "