An old man and a beautiful young girl fell in love, but the old man didn't anyway.

Willing to marry her.

Honey, I can't marry you, he told her gently. Father and mother will object.

What! You are so old, are your parents still alive?

No, it isn't, he corrected. I mean father's timing and mother's nature.

Think about it instead.

"What would you do if you earned as much as the God of Wealth?"

"If the God of Wealth earns as much as me, what will happen to him?"

reaction

One day, Joe came into the classroom, and all his hair stood tall and upright. The teacher asked what was going on and Joe said:

"This is the reaction of hair gel." The next day, Joe came into the classroom with a bright head, and the teacher asked

Joe said,' This is my father's reaction to hair gel.'

Different methods

At the product sales meeting, the sales volume was extremely depressing, so the manager reprimanded our sales staff.

Tao: "I've seen and heard enough about your poor work level and reasons. If you can't do it,

In this job, someone will replace you and sell these valuable things that each of you should be proud of.

Products. Then, he said to his new employee, a retired football player, "If a football

What will happen if the team can't win? The players have to be replaced, don't they? ! "A few seconds of silence.

Later, the former football player replied: "Actually, sir, if the whole team is in trouble."

Well, we usually just get a new coach.

The slogan on the roof

A film studio built next to the airport, in order to avoid the interference of plane voices, is on the roof.

Wrote a big slogan: "Please be quiet!" Each letter is eight feet square.

As a result, this slogan brought more noise, because all the pilots wanted to see the room clearly.

What's written on the top? Competing makes the plane fly lower.

expense

The hotel customer asked the manager, "What is this fruit money every day? We didn't touch it either.

Some fruit. ""But fruit is put in your room every day. You can't blame me for not eating.

Children. ""I see, "said the man, subtracting 150 yuan from the bill.

"What are you doing?" The manager cried anxiously.

"I'll reduce 50 yuan a day as the cost of kissing my wife." "What did you say? I didn't.

I kissed your wife. ""Ah, "the man replied," but she is there every day ... "

Angry dog

When the clothing store manager came back from lunch, he found that the clerk's handbag was bandaged and didn't wait for him.

After asking, the clerk told him a very good news.

"Guess what happened, manager," said the clerk. "I finally put that on hold.

My ugly suit is sold! "

"Not that terrible pink double-breasted suit with blue stripes, is it?"

"That's the one."

"Great!" The manager cried, "I always thought we couldn't get rid of that monster suit."

Yes, that's the ugliest thing we've ever entered. Oh, by the way, what happened to your hand? How did it get entangled?

A bandage? "

"It's nothing serious," said the clerk. "When I sold that suit to that guy, he

My guide dog jumped on me and bit me hard. "

Angry robber

The owner of the small shop was picked up from the bed by a robber in the middle of the night. The robber was armed with a sharp knife. Ugh!

Threatened severely: "Give me all the money."

The small boss said with grievance, "There is really no way. Last night, your colleague came to put all the money."

Took it. "

The robber roared angrily, "Why don't you lock the door?"

romantic

Before the masquerade ball, the wife suddenly felt unwell and asked her husband to go to the party alone. Later, the wife felt better.

Point, then put on a set of fashion that her husband had never seen before, and drove to the dance. Just entered the door, too

When I saw her husband flirting with other women, I was so jealous that I decided to test her husband.

She went to her husband and threw herself at him with a charming voice. Finally, he was lured to the back garden to enjoy himself.

Romantic At midnight, when everyone was about to take off their underclothes, the wife quietly left. And her husband is straight.

I didn't come back until three o'clock in the morning. "How was the dance? "Asked the wife. "It's not funny. "Husband.

Answer. "What on earth did you do there? "The wife repeatedly asked. "To tell you the truth,"

The husband said, "when I got there, I saw several friends without wives, so we were there."

Playing cards in the study. ""Have you been playing cards all night? " The wife screamed. "yes, no

But I lent my clothes and mask to another old friend. That guy fell at the end of the dance.

He boasted to me that it was the best night in his life! "

Rheumatoid patient

Patient: "Do you remember? You showed me rheumatism last year, and you asked me to avoid the tide.

Wet. "

Doctor: "Yes. What do you want to see now? "

Patient: "I wonder if I can take a bath now?"

Division of labor between husband and wife

Tomu said to his friend, "Pierre, we have a division of labor in our family. I take care of several things. I"

Ma' am, she also manages a few things. ""Tomu, what are you in charge of? " "I tube children and servants.

People. ""What about your wife? " "She cares about money and me!"

Capture his son.

Beautiful Egyptian female spy, returning from Israel, reported to Cairo headquarters. "I got it.

General Dai Yang's latest attack plan, which was stolen from his desk, is not only like

This, I also captured his son ... ""Great! "The Egyptian general shouted," Where is it? I

The children questioned him at once. ""no! " The female spy said, "We have to wait another ten months. "

Parents of children

During Clinton's visit to Britain, he had dinner with Margaret Thatcher, Jeffrey Howe and others. Be active gas

Mrs Thatcher asked Geoffrey Howe, "Your parents have a child, which is not your brother.

He is not your sister either. Who is he (she)? "Hao laughed and replied," It's me, Hao. " scold or beat

Linton was very interested. When he returned to the White House, he asked Christopher, "Your parents have a child.

Neither your brother nor your sister, who is it? "Christopher could not answer. Kelin

Gordon laughed proudly: "It's Hao."

Father and daughter share happiness.

Father asked Natasha, "You didn't attend class yesterday. Where did you go?"

"I went to the opera with a classmate." Natasha answered without hesitation.

"How can I go to the opera during school hours?" Father said angrily.

"Yesterday was not your day off, but I saw you sitting in front of me in the theater."

Father's parting

"What is the difference between Baron Kald, Emperor Wei Qian II and Tsar Nicholas II?

Really? "

"Yes, Kald has a rich father; Wei Qian II had a wicked father.

Pro; Tsar Nicholas II had a murderous father. "

Father-son letters

Harry wrote a letter to his father at boarding school. The whole letter was only six words:

"No money, boring. Son. " A week later, he received a reply, the content is:

"How bad, how sad. Father. "

pay a subsequent visit to a doctor

Bill knows that the first visit costs three yuan, while the second visit only costs one yuan.

So he went into the clinic and said to the doctor, "I'm here again."

The doctor looked at him and said, "Just take the medicine prescribed last time."

dry-clean

The professor was sitting in the bathtub, and his wife asked strangely, "Why do you take a bath with your clothes on?" teach

Only then did he realize that he hadn't taken off his clothes. He just wanted to jump out and suddenly calmed down: "It's okay,

It's a good thing I forgot to put water in the bathtub beforehand. "

Willing to lose and serving punishment

"Blau, I pour a can of water on you, and your clothes won't get wet. Can you believe it?"

"Nonsense, how is that possible!"

"How about we bet one kroner?"

Glen called a can of water, and then poured it on Blau's head. Blau shouted, "Stop, stop,

Stop! My clothes are all wet! "

"Then even if I lose!"

sigh with emotion

After watching the TV film describing the story of the inventor Edison, the wife said to her husband, "Dear.

Yes, if Edison hadn't invented the electric light, we would still have to watch TV by candlelight.

Yes. "

By the Grace of God

The priest said to the farmer who bought his horse and carriage, "This horse only understands the language of the church: barking."

"Thank God," he ran and called "Praise God" before he stopped. "The farmer who bought the horse will be skeptical.

He tried to say "Thank God", and the horse immediately galloped faster and faster. Only to run.

On the edge of the cliff, the frightened farmer remembered the password "Praise God" to stop it. Sure enough,

The horse stopped, and the farmer who had survived the accident gave a long sigh: "Thank God ..."

golf

An old but still energetic golf enthusiast went to the wizard and asked what was in heaven.

Whether there is a golf course, the wizard said he would check it out and give him an answer the next day.

The next day, the old man came again. The wizard said, "I got both good news and bad news."

The old man said, "Tell me the good news first." "There is a wide golf course in heaven" wizard

Say. "The court is covered with a green lawn and equipped with the best equipment." The old man then asked, "Now

Tell me the bad news. "The wizard said," It's your turn to serve at ten o'clock next Sunday morning! "

high-tech

Gorbachev visited the United States, and Reagan invited him to enjoy the latest scientific and technological achievements of the United States: fully automatic super comfortable horses.

Barrel.

After using it, Gorbachev admired it from the bottom of his heart and made up his mind secretly: China should also develop it.

After returning to China, a key research department was established and it is progressing smoothly. However, Reagan made a sudden visit to the Soviet Union.

Caught off guard, Erbachev called an emergency meeting and issued a written pledge to the key research department: it will be necessary in three days.

Make.

Three days later, I reported: Yes. Gorbachev then held talks with Reagan, but he didn't see Reagan for a long time.

Meaning, add croton to coffee and Reagan drinks it. Finally, Reagan goes to the toilet.

Reagan sat on the toilet, and when he finished, he felt really comfortable and satisfied, thinking that the Soviet Union really benefited.

Harm, developed such a comfortable toilet in such a short time. No, I have to study it carefully, for

China's development provides first-hand information.

So, Reagan once again lifted the toilet lid and twisted the button, only to see that there was a toilet under it.

Hand, carefully wiped Reagan's face again.

expert

"My husband is good at gambling." "So is my husband!"

"He won the first time he bought a horse racing ticket, and he won 300 thousand yuan with 1 thousand yuan."

"My husband is worse, he just paid a life insurance money, immediately won back thirty million.

Yuan. "

Happy too soon.

A young man will be enlisted in the army, and an ophthalmologist in a military hospital will check his eyesight, and the young man will meet him.

Confess that you are nearsighted while being examined. After the examination, the doctor said, "Yes, you are right.

It's myopia. "The young man was very happy to hear this sentence.

"Dear doctor, then I can be exempted from military service?" The doctor shook his head and said, "No ...

I wrote that I can take part in hand-to-hand combat.

Brilliant move

A beggar said to a woman in the street, "Give the money quickly, madam. Think about it, if this one

What will happen if the water in the water gun washes away the cosmetics on your face? "

inform (against/on sb)

Woman A: "She told me that you told her the secret that I told you you wouldn't tell her."

Secret "Woman B:" Oh, I specifically told her not to let her tell you that I told her. "

Woman A: "God, don't tell her again that I told you what she told me."

next door

Two vagrants were accused of being a nuisance to the city. The judge asked one of them, "Where do you live?"

The tramp said, "Streets, squares, underpasses, stations ..." The judge was dissatisfied with his answer.

Meaning, so he asked another person: "Then where do you live?" The man said, "Me? I live here.

It's next door to his house. "

Overnight meal

The beggar asked a wife for food, and the wife asked, Do you eat overnight food?

Eat, of course! Then, come tomorrow.

each sticks to his own version

A car knocked down a pedestrian, and the driver said, "It's not my fault. I always drive."

Be careful, I have been driving for five years. ""what? Does this mean that I am wrong? You've been driving for five years

What's so rare? You know, I have been walking for fifty years! "

replace

The messenger who was very unhappy with the customer said, "Why don't your crabs have claws?" Messenger de

Meaning: "This shows that the crab is alive, which is the result of its struggle in the kitchen just now."

Customer: "Well, please replace me with a winner who just fought."

supply electricity

Malaysia's power company sent an investigation after supplying electricity in a village with inconvenient transportation.

The clerk went to visit the residents and asked if it was convenient for them after the power supply.

An old lady said, "I am very grateful to you. I will find matches to light oil lamps in the future, and I will never again."

It will be dark. "

* * * similarities

Two friends are chatting together. They talk about novels and poems.

One of them said that he found that Russian novelists and poets have a * * * in common, and this * * * is in each category.

It is reflected in the works.

When the millionaire drove through a village in a luxurious extended "Lincoln" car, he saw two beggars pulling weeds by the road and stopped immediately.

"Why do you eat grass?"

"We really don't have money ..." A beggar replied.

"Really, get on the bus and go to my house."

"I have a wife and two children at home ..." A beggar muttered.

"Call them!" The rich man pointed to another beggar. "And you, call your family, too."

"My family has a large population. Besides my wife, there are five children." Said another beggar.

"It doesn't matter, call them all, go!"

In this way, the two beggars and their families got on the bus, but fortunately it was an extended bus. On the way to exercise, a beggar's wife said gratefully, "Boss, it's very kind of you to invite even a poor person like us home."

Millionaire replied: "Nothing, I just came back from abroad, and my house has been neglected. The lawn in the yard may be more than one meter high, so you can eat enough!"

One day, I went to Hangzhou to play with mm, and saw the release pond (that is, a pond with countless turtles) in front of Jingsi Temple. I saw turtles swimming in the pond with only their heads exposed on the water. The lovely mm shouted excitedly: "Wow ~ a lot of glans! ! ！” I laughed and fainted on the spot ... ……mm immediately turned red ...

There is a chicken in someone's signature file somewhere. On a certain day, a certain month, a mm post: Your penis is so cute 0.

What happened in junior high school: A group of us were telling jokes after class. (There were men and women) Of course, it was an old joke: "Once upon a time there was a eunuch ..." Then I stopped talking and asked, "What's next?" I said, "Down there? Well, it's gone below ...... "Everyone laughed. A minute later, it was the same MM who asked," Why is it gone below? "I said," ......................................... "

I once talked about cooking in the dormitory, and a brother's GF was there. We say that young men can usually cook now, but little girls can't. That MM said, "I can cook, I can cook a chicken!" " Everyone snickered. MM didn't know what it meant, so she said confidently, "I really can cook a chicken!" " . The crowd rushed out of the door, MM chased the door and stood in the corridor shouting, "I just know how to cook chickens!" ! ！” Everyone was frightened and fled.

When I was an undergraduate, before the computer practice class, MM, who was in charge of managing the computer room, asked our teacher (male) to borrow a screwdriver to dismantle a machine (in another room). As a result, when we were getting on the computer, she stood at the door of the computer room and shouted at my teacher: "Teacher! That thing of yours really doesn't work ！” Everybody turns ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

One day, my sister and brother went to school, and when they were in the car, they saw two dogs mating. The younger brother asked the elder sister what it was doing. "It's a fight," my sister quickly perfunctory him. At this time, my sister found that two hooligans were always looking at her, and their eyes were still on her. "What are you looking at? Do you want to fight?" Sister said loudly.

I graduated from university, and my height is 1.70 meters.

Although she is not a fair lady, she is also a graceful girl;

Read poetry books at home and be reasonable outside;

Ancient and modern sages are remembered in their minds;

The course is heavy, and the principle of professional self-control;

Like exquisite architecture and minor in building design;

Excellent office software, passing CET-4 in English;

The subject covers a wide range and carries electronic power;

Pay attention to fashion products and love national musical instruments;

Obtaining the accounting certificate is not a problem;

Team cadre meeting, through advanced appraisal;

Year-end moral education ranking, women's top class;

Excellent score in four years, apply for postgraduate study;

Helpless places are limited, and good results are achieved in vain;

The enrollment expansion policy is not bad, and the amount of public expenses is too low;

Children of unemployed families, where can there be more paper money?

I am full of joy when I leave school to find a job;

Sign a paper agreement, trial period in March;

Work is about to turn positive, fried squid and shrimp;

The boss explained this and changed the fresh air;

Since then, I have been running around and attending major recruitment meetings;

It is not a professional upset, but in fact the unit is picky;

Mu Shuai is in danger, and Mulan can wear military clothes;

In modern society, discrimination holds up half the sky!

Neighbors send children, which has become a small honey;

From then on, I was pampered and only wore O.N.L.Y.；;

I am not a greedy person, but I am also incredible;

It is difficult to compare the cold window with its face;

Is my ability too poor, or are others disgusted?

Just like a bench player, there is no ball to kick in the bitter seat;

Seeing that time has passed, time can't afford to delay;

Sigh undergraduate diploma, helpless in today's century.

1, my husband is going on a business trip for half a year, and my wife is packing. After that, she lovingly handed her husband a pack of condoms and said, If you can't help it outside, remember to wear a condom. After listening to it, my husband said excitedly, I'd better use theirs if my family is not well off.

26th floor

The first sentence: "I don't like you because of your money (or your position)!" "

Come to think of it, women are not idiots, they have nothing, only love can be used as bread to eat. Even if you don't have it now, then her eyes can see your future. If you are very capable, she will definitely hold you in her hand as an appreciating stock.

The second sentence: "You think I want to go, but xx forced me to go."

Who dragged who? You can go if you want. It's not that I won't let you go.

The third sentence: "Your cooking is really delicious.

Ha ha ha ha! Don't just be happy when she says this. What she means is: Since you cook so delicious, you can cook it later ...

The fourth sentence: "Tell me the story of you and her before, and I won't be angry."

Whoever believes it is finished! Women are not jealous. Who believes that? Even if it was 500 years ago, when you have finished, they will completely show their ugly faces, either crying and making trouble, or letting you do this and that, and they are also called "labor reform"!

The fifth sentence: "They all say that xx brand clothes suit me very well."

There's nothing to say. Pay for your bag!

The sixth sentence: "Never mind, I don't think you are fat yet."

If she really said that, just don't want to embarrass you, pay attention to your figure.

The seventh sentence: "An old married couple, I don't want any Valentine's Day gifts."

God, if you believe this, you must be like me, cleaning for a month! Woman, after all, if you really don't buy it, she will kill you! And next year, she will definitely make a shopping list for you to buy one by one! !

The eighth sentence: "Actually, I feel that you should have your own' confidante'."

Cut ~ ~ Are women really so generous? She always wants you to stay away from all women (except herself). Only in this way can she feel safe. If you really have a female classmate and a female colleague give you a phone call or a short message, she cares more than anyone else, and her ears are especially good! When you want to go out with your brother at night, she may be right behind you!

The ninth sentence: "No, sex is not good for your health."

..... Taste it yourself!

The tenth sentence: "I support you without money!" "

God, I haven't resigned yet. I need some money to take the it certification for my future life. I will pay my salary and bonus as soon as I get it. Now, please give me some money. "Remember clearly, now I am raising you!" Work hard, brothers, the man is the head of the family, and it is your responsibility to earn money!

Eleventh sentence: let's be friends (in fact, you still have value to use)

27th floor

Twelfth sentence: I think I am really not suitable for you (I don't like you at all! )

Thirteenth sentence: In fact, you are really nice (but I don't want to be with you)

Fourteenth sentence: You are really nice (I really don't want to be with you)

Fifteenth sentence: You are really, really nice ... really (pig head, stay away from me! )

I don't want to have a boyfriend for the time being (get out of the way! You are less than half of my handsome boy standard)

I don't want to hurt our friendship (there will only be friendship between us)

Eighteenth sentence: I have a person in my heart (that person is specially made up by me for people like you)

I've never thought about this question (it's impossible. Do you need to think about it? )

I am not fit to be a lover (nonsense, no one will be fit to be your lover)

Twenty-first sentence: You give me some time to think about it (how can I slip away if you don't give me time)

Your conditions are really good (but not as good as I want)

Twenty-third sentence: But it feels so strange (you ugly bastard, you still want to eat swan meat after being so strange? )

I will remember your tenderness (please, lover! It's useless to be gentle, but also to have money! )

Twenty-fifth sentence: In fact, I have never had the courage to accept you (seeing you almost scared to death ... where is the courage? )

Twenty-sixth sentence: You are really cute (you are really naive)

Twenty-seventh sentence: You are really super cute (pig head! Stop pestering me like a child! )

Twenty-eighth sentence: Meeting you will always make me relive the happiness of my childhood (just like my aunt meeting my little brother).

We should give each other a little buffer time (give you time to get out! I'm going to turn my face if I don't leave! )

30 th sentence: others say you have good conditions (but I never think so! )

Thirty-first sentence: If only we had known each other earlier. )

Don't worry, we can be friends first (I want to find my prince charming at this time. Hehe)

29th floor

miniskirt

Woman 1: Your mini skirt is really beautiful, but don't you think it's too short?

Woman 2: Short? So I can show my legs.

Woman 1: Aren't you worried about the pervert peeking?

Woman 2: My legs are for people to see.

Woman 1: People are peeking at your underpants.

Woman 2: It doesn't matter. I never wear underpants.