1. The headmaster and the English teacher visited a middle school in France. The headmaster spoke in the auditorium and the English teacher translated.

Principal: "Teachers and students!"

English teacher: "ladies and gentlemen!"

Principal: "Ladies and gentlemen!"

English teacher-_-! Thought for a moment and said, "Good morning!"

Principal: "Good morning!"

English teacher: ... = = "Khan

2. It is said that there is a polar bear who has to wear sunglasses to see things because the snow is too dazzling, but he can't find sunglasses, so he crawls around on the ground with his eyes closed, crawling and crawling until his hands and feet are dirty. I put on my sunglasses and looked in the mirror, only to find out: Oh, I am a panda

3. A polar bear stayed alone on the ice in a daze, and when he was really bored, he began to pull out his own hair, one, two, three, and finally none left, and then he died of cold.

4. Once upon a time, there was a bird. He passed a cornfield every day, but unfortunately, one day there was a fire in that cornfield, and all the corns turned into popcorn! ! ! After the bird flew by ... it thought it was snowing, so it was cold.

5. Xiaoming got a new haircut and came to school the next day. The students saw his new hairstyle and laughed: Xiaoming, your head looks like a kite! Xiao Ming felt very wronged, so he ran outside and cried and cried, and he flew.

6. The spider fell in love with the butterfly, but the butterfly refused it. The spider asked: Why? This is why! Butterfly said: My mother said that people who spend all day online are not good people. < P > 7. On a hot summer day, two bananas were walking on the road. The banana walking in front suddenly felt so hot. He said, It's so hot. I want to take off my clothes. As a result, he peeled off the skin. As a result, the banana at the back fell down. Then the stripped banana becomes dried banana ~

8. One day, three explorers finally found the "Valley of Hope". According to legend, as long as they stand at the edge of the valley and shout what they want, and then jump into the valley, they will get what they want. So the three of them decided to have a try.

The first one was a goat, so he shouted "Woman! Woman! " The next jump is really full of beautiful women waiting for him.

The second one is a bookworm, shouting "Books, Books, Books!" " Then, jump into the valley and get books full of pits and valleys.

The third one is an indecisive person, who can't decide his favorite. After an hour, he finally made up his mind that money is the most useful, so he went to the valley. He accidentally kicked a stone and scolded "shit!" Unexpectedly, an unstable center of gravity fell into the valley.

9. Xiao Ming will have an exam tomorrow, but he is watching TV in the evening.

Xiao Ming's mother asks anxiously: Have you finished all the books? There will be an exam tomorrow.

Xiao Ming readily replied, Mom, I finished reading it.

Xiao Ming's mother happily praised Xiao Ming: Good boy, then you must do well in the exam tomorrow.

Xiao Ming cried and said: Mom, I mean,' Mom, I think it's over'.

1. The panda loves the deer deeply, but it is rejected when expressing its love. Panda roar ~ Why? What's all this for? The deer said timidly: My mother said that all the people wearing sunglasses are bad teenagers

11. One day Xiaoming was walking on the road! I suddenly feel sore when I walk! Why is this happening? Because Xiaoming stepped on a lemon!

12. which Chinese character is the coolest? G-string (cool)

towel "says to" coin ":son. You wear a doctor's hat, and you'll be worth a hundred times.

"chi" said to "Jin": Sister, the result came out. You are pregnant with twins.

"Chen" said to "Ju": It's the same area as you. I have three rooms and two halls.

13. One day, a university teacher asked a student, there were ten birds in the tree, and one was shot and killed. How many were left?

The student asks: Is it silent pistol? No, how loud was the shot? 8-1 decibels Is it illegal to shoot birds in this city? No offense. Are you sure that bird was really killed? Sure. At this time, the teacher was impatient: "just tell me how many birds are left, OK?" Are there any deaf birds in the tree? No. Have you ever been caged and hung from a tree? No. Are there any other trees nearby? Are there any other birds on the trees? No. If a bird is pregnant, does it count as a bird in its belly? Not really. Do people who shoot birds have flowers in their eyes? No flowers, just ten. The teacher was sweating all over, and the bell rang, but the students continued to ask: Are there any birds that are too stupid to be afraid of death? Are afraid of death. Will you kill two with one shot? No. The student said confidently, if your answer is not deceptive, "If the killed bird hangs on the tree and doesn't fall, then there is only one left. If it falls, there is no one left.". The teacher immediately foaming at the mouth fell to the ground!

14. One day, someone passed a crossroads and found a super scary thing. He found Kakashi and the Monkey King laughing!

15. A long time ago, one night, there were three shrimps in the pond. Hahaha, a female ghost farted and died.

16. A female alien who is engaged in biological research came to the earth. After a round trip, she thought that there was much to learn from human genes, so she arrested a man and wanted to bring him back with the text information about human genes. But the spaceship is too small to take him away, and the information is too huge to take it all at once. When she was anxious, the computer help system of the spaceship said, "This man has a small stick that can solve all your problems ..." Then she suddenly realized, smiled and said to the man with saliva. . . . . Give me the USB flash drive! " .

17. A pothole was crossing the road, and he was accidentally crushed by a truck. When he was dying, he looked at his body and said, "I am stuffed with bean paste, not meat."

18. Brother, stop touching it! You touched the top and touched the bottom, and you lost all your hair. So tender skin, you touched all the water! How do you want me to sell it later? These peaches are all fresh, so don't buy them!

19. Once upon a time, there was a lamb. One day, he went out to play and met the wolf. The wolf said: I want to eat you! ! ! The lamb is frightened! Guess what happened? As a result, the wolf ate the lamb.

2. Once upon a time, there was a swordsman. He was cold, his heart was cold, his sword was cold, and he finally died of cold.

21. Once upon a time, there was a tiger chasing a deer on the road! The deer was so frightened that it ran faster and faster, and finally it became expressway

22. There was a tomato, which was smashed by a stone, another tomato smashed again, and another tomato smashed, and countless tomatoes fell, too! Ketchup!

23. The soldier asked the company commander: What should I do if I step on a mine in battle? The company commander was greatly annoyed: depend, what can I do? Pay the price for stepping on it.

24. One day, three little pigs built three huts to avoid being chased by the wolf. The wolf easily destroyed the straw house, wooden house and brick house. The three little pigs ran desperately, but they were caught up by the wolf. The three little pigs said desperately, it's up to you. We gave up. Whatever. At this point, the wolf grinned and drooled and said, Then tell me where Little Red Riding Hood is.

25. An ant happened to pass by when the elephant put its shit in the middle of the road. It looked up at the misty peak and couldn't help singing: Yalaso, this is the Qinghai-Tibet Plateau! ~~~~

26. Don't worry when you don't bring paper when you are near the railway. The train will remind you: pants wipe, pants wipe, pants wipe! Don't worry when you go to the toilet by the river without paper, the frog will tell you: stick scraping, stick scraping, stick scraping!

27. Two counterfeiters accidentally made counterfeit banknotes with a face value of 15 yuan, and they decided to spend them in remote mountainous areas. When they took a candied haws bought by 15 yuan from 1 yuan, they cried, and the farmers gave them two 7-piece ones.

28. Someone's newly-installed phone just happened to be rented out by the cinema, so people often call to ask about the movies being shown. At first, he always politely explained that this phone is no longer owned by the cinema, but now it belongs to him. Please don't call again. After a long time, he also feels annoyed, so he simply said, "You have the wrong number!" This will also save some saliva. One day, a familiar voice came from the other side: "What movie is showing now?" As usual, he said, "You have the wrong number!" After a silence, the other party replied, "Is it a domestic film or a foreign film?

29. A man climbed the wall out of the school and was caught by the headmaster. The headmaster asked: Why don't you go through the school gate? Answer: Metersbonwe Bang Wei, don't take the usual road. The headmaster asked again: how did such a high wall get over? He pointed to his trousers and said, Li Ning, anything is possible.

The headmaster asked again: What's it like to climb over the wall? He pointed to his shoes and said, Xtep, it feels like flying. The next day he entered the school from the main entrance, and the principal asked, Why don't you climb over the wall? He said: Anta, I choose, I like it. On the third day, he wore a gangster costume, and the principal said: You can't wear a gangster costume! He said: You are what you wear, Senma clothing. On the fourth day, he wore a vest to school. The headmaster said that he could not wear a vest to school. He said, men, it is good to be simple, and they love fort clothes. The headmaster said I'd give you a bigger score. He said: Why? The headmaster said, M-Zone, my site is my decision.

3 Life is really boring. Last month, a buddy of mine borrowed 4, yuan from me and said that he was going to have a plastic surgery. Now he has no idea what he has become. Oh, 4, yuan.

31. Notice to robbers: Our staff only know Spanish. Please be patient when robbing, and it is best to bring an interpreter. Thank you!

32. Are you blind? You can't see such a big shield, but you have to throw stones at my head!

33. I think I should lose weight. Last time I donated blood, I actually spilled 1 ml of lard.

34. Tourist: Master, is that straw house over there a toilet? Monk: Except that thatched house, all the other places are toilets.

35. Hair is gone, and dandruff is more outstanding!

36. defecation and urination are good brothers. One day, defecation crossed the road and was killed by a car. Urination said, I really want to defecate ...

37. Yesterday, I signed up for a weight-loss training class. They asked me to wear loose clothes during training. How dare you? If there are still loose clothes, then why am I signing up?

38. My wife and I haven't spoken for 18 months, so I have no chance to interrupt her.

39. Thief A: Count how much money was robbed today? Thief B: No, just read the newspaper tomorrow.

4. Stand higher and pee farther

41. Go your own way and let others take a taxi.

42. Wear other people's shoes, go your own way and let them find it.

43. One night, when a young woman passed a mental hospital, suddenly there was a "wow" behind her. The woman turned her head and saw a naked man running after her. The woman started to run in fear, and the man behind her gave chase. No, there is a dead end ahead. The woman is desperate, kneeling on the ground and crying and pleading, "Do whatever you want, just don't kill me." The man smiled cunningly and said, "Really? Then now you start chasing me. "

44. At a literary evening, the host came to the stage to announce: Please enjoy the following: Xinjiang song and dance, lift your skull! The whole audience was silent and creepy! ! ! Cold ~ ~

45. If a tiger doesn't send a cat, you think I'm dying!

46. One person in our dormitory drank too much, so he had to pee, and then he brought out a cold remark: If he drank too much, there would be a lot of wine.

47. I went to Li Ning to buy shoes with my sister, and my sister said, "Miss, how much are these shoes a catty?"

48. In the past, others visited my aunt's house and just entered the door. It happened that my aunt had to go to the bathroom. She quickly greeted the guests and said, "Sit down, sit down, I'll go to the toilet and pour you some tea!" "

49. When I was in college, a classmate argued with me, and I was at a disadvantage for a while. In a hurry, I got up and shouted: You are talking nonsense, I'm not stupid! I spit on your face

5. When I was a child, popsicles and ice creams were usually sold by pushing bicycles. Once, I heard an aunt shouting in the house: The new ice cream is hot. (It is estimated that my aunt used to sell fried dough sticks)

51. My colleague argued with someone and opened his mouth in a hurry. "Do you think I grew up eating?" I've always wondered what he grew up eating. "

52. Once KTV ordered a song, one MM shouted," Give me a song named "Double Jielun" with a stick cut every week.

53. One day in the big forest, the fox was smoking marijuana. At this moment, the little rabbit came from a distance. Seeing all this, he came over and said, Fox, how can you smoke marijuana? It's not good for your health. Look, how fresh the air is. Come and run with me. The fox thought it was right, so he ran and ran with the rabbit. They saw the elephant smoking heroin. The rabbit ran over to the elephant and said, Elephant, elephant, why are you taking drugs? Look at how fresh the air is. Run with me. Elephants are right to want to come, just the two of them running together. Running and running, I saw the lion roll up his sleeves and was about to inject heroin. Little rabbit shouted at the lion from a distance: Lion, lion, drug abuse is not good for your health. Look at how fresh the air is. Run with me ... I saw the lion put down the syringe and rushed over and beat the little rabbit crazy. The elephant said to the lion trembling: Why did you hit the little rabbit? He didn't want us to hurt his health! The lion said: since the rabbit ate ecstasy, he has let me run with him every day!

54. In summer, a giraffe met a rabbit. She proudly showed off her neck to the rabbit: Ah, little rabbit, do you know how good it is to have a long neck? Do you know how fresh and sweet the leaves at the top are? Do you know the feeling of drinking water in summer? The refreshing water slowly passed through her neck. The rabbit looked at her and only said, "Have you tried to vomit? "

55. Once my brother hit me and hit me with a bag on my head. Later, my brother wanted to pack things, but he couldn't find the bag, so he took the bag on my head to hold things.

56. Once upon a time, a marshmallow went to play ball for a long time. He said, I'm so tired. I think I'm all soft.

57. Once upon a time, there were two snowmen. One snowman said, I'm cold, the other said, I'm cold, too. The other said, Let's hug each other, so they hugged each other. Guess what happened? Then they died of cold.

58. When I was a child, I was dishonest in eating. In order to educate me, an old farmer said to me, "It's hard for 6 years. I didn't eat, and I never threw out my nose."

59. A rich man asked for a servant. The topic of the interview was to go to the toilet. The first few came out without washing their hands, so the rich man sent them away. Only one washed his hands, so the rich man left him.