Wen/Le Xiaoyu

Knowing her own doom, she became frank and calm.

There is a nostalgia for the glitz of the world, and nostalgia for the light and freedom, which echoes in the depths of the soul. She lay on the hard bed in the prison, savoring every day of her childhood over and over again. Those fuzzy memories that have long since gone, all of a sudden surge, vivid and fresh in front of us. They are like fish scrambling to jump out of the water in the vegetable market, greedy for the last air in the world and fighting for it with big mouths. In front of her eyes, she shows her growing height, her smiles, joys and sorrows, and all kinds of past events, like movies, are released on time every night, and scenes come to her mind in a fast-forward mode.

this gloomy room is filled with the rotten smell of sadness. When she first came in, she could smell the smell clearly. After a few days of short life, gradually, her body also exudes the same smell. The existence of self is hard to detect any more.

On the day before the execution, prison guards always ask, What do you want for your last meal?

Enron was executed a week earlier than her, saying that she wanted to eat braised pork cooked by her mother. The prison guard left for a while and came back to say that she had contacted her family and would send braised pork.

when it came, Enron failed to fulfill its wish. On the day of execution, Enron painstakingly dressed up for a long time, very beautiful, wearing a new red dress, like a bride who is going to get married. She just stared at the bowl of braised pork sent by the prison guard, but in the end she didn't move her chopsticks. Empty eyes, you can't see sadness or fear. Before being taken to the execution ground, Enron only said indifferently, take it and eat it, and don't waste it.

She talked with Enron several times, and Enron was born in a small mountain village in the southwest. When I was a child, I almost lived a naked and hungry life. She had never eaten meat before the age of ten, and occasionally got a boiled egg. She always carefully crushed the yolk and tasted every tiny powder.

Enron loves meat. At the age of fifteen, I met a man who took her to eat meat every day. She was grateful and was taken away from that small mountain village by this man. Later, Enron made money in a big city, and her parents, sisters and brothers could often eat meat. Enron hasn't been back since he left home. Mom always looks forward to her going back. Once, mom said on the phone, do you want to come back? I will cook braised pork for you every day.

Enron never went back. Since she left, she first saw her mother's face in court. Mom is so old that she can hardly remember that kind and warm face. At that moment, love and sadness filled every wrinkle of my mother.

Here, the inmates tacitly avoid talking about the reasons for coming here. She never heard it mentioned by Enron. Later, in a casual conversation, she heard the prison guards say that Enron killed the man who took her to eat meat every day without excuse or escape.

The clothes and articles left by Enron were quickly taken away by the prison guards. She looked at the empty bed and imagined that the place where she slept in a week would become dead silent. There is bound to be new people coming in, lying here like her every night, recalling the short and rough growth and past.

In the few remaining days, she fell into a long memory gap every day, thinking about a question, and when the prison guard asked her what she wanted for her last meal, how should she answer?

So, when searching for memories, she slowed down again and again, carefully recalled the breakfast, lunch and dinner every day, trying to find the meal she was not satisfied with, so that she could taste it again.

her name is xinxin. Mother told her that taking this name is a symbol of prosperity. It is said that my mother was very beautiful and cultured. Because of my grandfather's sudden death, there were too many people who opened their mouths to eat at home. After being introduced by others, I married my father hastily.

On Xinxin's 2th birthday, her mother made an exception and drank wine, blushing like a blooming rose. She buried her head in her own hands and said softly, Daughter, don't let your mother down, she is very tired. I know that your grandmother was very tired at that time, so she agreed with them and married your father, but I didn't like him at all. What can I do? People can't just live for themselves, you will understand when you grow up.

After her mother finished, she slapped Xinxin on the shoulder and said, You must live up to expectations. All her efforts and hopes are on you.

It was the first and only time that my mother spoke to her like a friend. She finally knows that everyone is tired when they are alive, but few people are willing to say it.

Dad has been away on business for a long time, and he hasn't seen anyone for several months. He always calls from different cities. Every time the topic is thin and pitiful, have you done your homework? Have you eaten your meal? All these, through the telephone line, can feel that indifference and perfunctory. He seldom talks to his mother, and even at home, there are only a handful of exchanges between his mother and his father.

Later, my mother said that my father and a fox had made up and wanted a divorce, but there was no way, which consumed them to death. Let their children have no hukou and never see the light.

Then it's the same drama: Daughter, you have to be obedient. You are all my mother's hope. You must live up to expectations. Dad is so hateful ...

It suddenly occurred to her that Enron wants to eat the braised pork cooked by her mother. What about her? There is nothing that my mother cooks that she misses.

Enron likes meat, but she doesn't like meat very much, and even has some disgust. In her memory, her mother always kept saying: I'll give you all the meat, but my mother can't bear to eat it. After you finish eating, study hard, and all my mother's hopes are on you ... < P > Gradually, when she sees the meat, she will think of her mother's voice in her ear: You are my mother, the only hope, to live up to expectations. She suddenly lost her appetite.

By chance, she heard a word "problem children" on TV. At that time, she felt that she was also a problem child. Because she thinks she is different from others. At school, she has few friends. She doesn't throw sandbags, kick keys or laugh and play with them.

once, the physics teacher asked her to answer a question. She just stood smiling, and she knew the answer. But she couldn't tell why, but she didn't answer. When the teacher asks if you can't, you can just say no. She just bowed her head and said nothing, and finally she was invited out of the classroom by the teacher.

The teacher talked to her and asked her why she was always alone and unsociable. She thought it was boring, but she didn't know how to answer, and she just bowed her head and said nothing.

In class, she is often absent-minded. She imagines that on a spotlight-lit stage, everyone is performing her life under bright lights, and she likes to observe this dazzling scene silently in the dark where the lights can't shine.

Like a walking corpse, she walked on the track her mother hoped for step by step under her mother's careful care. When filling in the college entrance examination, she wanted to escape and go to other provinces to study. After only a struggle, her mother burst into tears, recounting that it was not easy for her mother to take her, and her father's shameless and fickle feelings were staged every time. She gave in to her mother again.

It felt like a cat playing with a mouse. The cat let go of the mouse with its sharp claws, and it was so happy that it wanted to escape, but the sly cat grabbed it again. It goes on and on until the mouse loses its strength and is dying. Thought of here, she couldn't help shuddering.

in the end, she studied in the local university and went on a day trip. After that, the memories are very similar every day. After breakfast in the morning, I went to school by bus, and the whole classroom was filled with the rich flavor of steamed stuffed bun and fried dough sticks. Many people are holding textbooks with sleepy eyes and carrying words on their backs.

She will skip some classes that she doesn't like. Go to the bus stop, watch people and cars coming and going, go to the park and watch children running around. Until dark, she went home by car, eating in silence, accompanied by the ticking of clocks and watches, as well as her mother's questioning and complaints.

After dinner, she watched TV for a while, crossed her legs and sat in a corner of the sofa, quietly expressing her distance and strangeness from this home.

Yan Yan sometimes asks herself, isn't it boring to repeat every day so simply? Sometimes she feels bored, and sometimes she relies on this to seek a sense of security.

Many times, she can't help asking her mother, why does a marriage without love still exist? Every time she has such an impulse, she can always hear the answer in her mother's heart: for you. At the thought of here, she gave a wry smile. After all, I was a redundant person and swallowed the question abruptly.

Xinxin wants to know what love is. So, she started dating male students. Usually she talks to them for less than ten minutes, and then she falls into embarrassment and boredom.

xinxin often feels that chatting is a very boring thing in her heart. Everyone is talking about themselves, but she has no time to listen to others. Then why don't you talk to yourself? Instead, you can get to know yourself more quietly and think about solutions.

most of the time, people are eager to be understood by others, and they like to express themselves endlessly, but those few words are just a kind of pouring from one place to another.

She knew the result, so she would rather not talk and meditate on those emotions in her heart, but she was more comfortable.

4

Rebellion is a detour that everyone has to take. Some people are foggy, some people are bloody, and some people are superficial. Yan Yan's rebellious period came late, but it was fierce.

At the age of 22, she met Irving, an independent photographer. His pigtails, tattoos on his chest and dazzling black earrings all told him that he was different. The introduced senior told her that Owen needed a model to take a sample film and let her audition.

What attracted Owen to her at first? She was lying in the prison bed, desperately remembering, smiling brightly and confident, or the face that was somewhat similar to her father, or perhaps it was just the question that Owen asked her when we met for the first time: Come on, look, it's up to you what clothes you want to wear, where to shoot and what posture to take.

She stood there. For the first time, someone asked her opinion and let her make her own decisions. The fall was at that moment, in 2 seconds. Enron fell into the temptation to take her to eat meat, and she only felt as an independent person in those 2 seconds and sank.

She went on a date with Owen in cut class. They made love in a lazy afternoon, walked hand in hand, rustled their feet on the fallen leaves, cut out two figures from the street lamp, and the phoenix tree beside them was indifferent, extending into the silent night.

This is the warm picture she can recall. Whenever she recalls the scene of their walk, she slows down the camera a little and then a little. I'm afraid I'll cross it if I'm not careful and I'll never find it again. She closed her eyes and frowned, desperately remembering and picking up, trying not to let the sobbing from her ear interfere with her.

Xiao Yu, who sleeps next to her, cries every night. She wants to suppress her voice, so she is covered in a quilt, adding a sad atmosphere to this depressed room. Everyone knows that Xiaoyu is crying, but no one stops her. Let's just cry through the light rain, and everyone will cry together.

Xiaoyu said that she didn't want to die, and she would behave well when she had the chance, and strive for a reduced sentence and a good life. When she was dealing drugs, she knew she was committing a crime, but in order to make more money, she worked hard to transport drugs. Now, the money is gone, and even my life is gone.

During the day, the light rain is always radiant, which makes it hard for you to imagine her deep sadness at night. She smiles when she is happy, but she doesn't hide when she is sad. All her emotions are written on her face. In a sad environment, the light in Xiaoyu's eyes is particularly bright. This may be the strength she regained after crying every night. She wants to live by this light.

Almost all people, in prison, miss their mothers, no matter what vigorous love they had or others. Only family ties can bring security and warmth in any situation.

Yan Yan searched her memory, and almost all the food about her mother was not so warm and not worth remembering. Compared with food, she prefers the equal conversation with her mother when she is happy occasionally, and the warm hug from her mother to her daughter.

Finally, in the track of memory, she found the closest clue to her mother's food, which was given by Owen's mother.

One morning, she woke up from a sharp pain in her lower abdomen, and thought it was an occasional dysmenorrhea. A few cups of hot water would do it. But I don't know that this pain is like an inflatable balloon, which is endless and expanding. Every time she felt dizzy, she felt suffocated.

when she opened her eyes again, her mother stood beside her. The whole body blocked the sunlight through the window, and a huge shadow was cast on the hospital bed.

shameless, are you worthy of me? Mother's hysterical roar was accompanied by a ferocious face. A slap in the face woke the whole ward. Mother continued to pounce and scratch her.

The pain of abdominal tearing, and the suffocation caused by the slap in the face. Ectopic pregnancy caused shock, and the left fallopian tube was removed. Do you want to kill her by hitting her like this? The doctor reprimanded her as she tried to stop her.

mom was dragged to sit on the ground, her hair was long and she began to cry. Dad's betrayal and fickle feelings, the hardships and helplessness of pulling her, her disappointment, and the inherited betrayal and shame ... < P > The next day after the operation, she went to Owen's residence, and only Owen's mother was there. Owen's mother said that he had gone out to hide his debts. She sat in the bed with Owen, trying to find his trace.

It was dark, and Owen's mother came in and brought a bowl of dumplings and a bowl of brown sugar and egg soup. Steaming, my disappointing son, sorry for you. Remember that you don't like meat, radish vermicelli and vegetarian stuffing. Eat while it's hot. Health is important.

She curled up and ate all the dumplings, which were plain, crisp and refreshing, with a long aftertaste. That bowl of thick brown sugar and egg soup, drink it and it will be warm. She curled up in that bed that night and stayed up all night.

The next day, while her mother was away, she moved out all her things and rented a house near Owen's house.

She saw Owen in a coffee shop with a girl, four months and three days after her operation, and she looked for him for four months. Owen and that girl, sitting by the window, are talking and laughing. She quietly hid in the shade and looked at him, unfamiliar and familiar.

On the tenth day after following him, Owen drank too much in the bar, and was alone, stumbling along their usual walk. She followed him closely, step by step, with a sharp knife in her hand, freezing cold. She knew that she was about to do something irrational, but she was completely out of control. Her mother's abuse was tending to her, and the cut fallopian tube was pulling her.

Owen helped the wall and began to vomit. She cut Owen's throat with the first knife. She saw Owen's eyes full of horror. He tried to dodge, but it was too late. His cry was only half, and he could no longer make a sound.

She cut Owen's chest with the second knife, and the spilled blood was almost sprayed all over her body, and it was also in her mouth. The warm blood had a thick and salty taste.

She watched Owen calm down during the spasm, as if she had no formed child.

Yan Yan knocked on her mother's door with blood all over her body. Her mother's sleepy eyes one second ago suddenly became full of fear and even forgot to scream.

she said calmly, I killed Owen and turned myself in. You can live for yourself in the future. <