118' s funny comments

First, at the class reunion, everyone chatted happily and asked the monitor what he was doing now. The monitor said proudly: jewelry business! Everyone admires him very much. His wife calls him with a slap: sell piglets, what jewelry business! The monitor is sad: Isn't piglet a baby pig? Why can't we talk about the pig treasure business?

second, dad saw his daughter's hand hitting the splint and asked her what was wrong. The daughter said indignantly: domestic violence! It's broken. Dad was so distressed that he angrily said to his son-in-law: What did you use to beat my daughter like this? The son-in-law covered her red and swollen face and said, face.

third, my cousin is finally getting married, and someone wants it. Visiting her wedding room, I found a crib in three rooms, all paved. The master bedroom is even more outrageous, with brown mats more than 21 centimeters high, covering the whole bedroom. Cousin looked helpless: Look at our couple's tonnage. After a little exercise at home, we got fit. The old couple downstairs went to the property for demolition, saying that we smashed the wall in the middle of the night and disturbed the people.

Fourth, when I was a child, I found a fortune-teller at home to tell my fortune. The master looked at me and said that he would not be easy in the future. His wife had the ability to fly. After many years, I looked at the doll filled with hydrogen on the ceiling and couldn't help but sigh, the master is really amazing!

5. When I was in high school, there was no electric fan in the dormitory, and the weather was too hot. So my other roommate and I went to sleep in the middle of the playground with mats and didn't wake up until dawn. Can you imagine a group of people running around the mats? It's like doing some kind of cult ceremony

6. When I was a child, my classmates always gave me one as bait to help him clean the blackboard and classroom on duty for a whole semester. Until one day, I went to his house to play, only to know that there was no bitch or even a male dog in his house! I argued with him, and then he beat me up.

7. I have only one small wish in my life: drive a Mercedes-Benz to get a minimum living allowance, marry a beautiful and rich wife, and meet a bosom lover who doesn't mind that I have a woman, so it is impossible to have a result with her, but still be good with me and can get rid of her if you want. It is enough to simply live this life.

8. Colleague Lao Ma picked up a mobile phone, cut it, and called her husband's number out of kindness. I found your wife's mobile phone and told her to stop looking for it. Recipient: Thank you, thank you very much. The old horse said: You're welcome. Don't thank me. Go and buy a new mobile phone. I'll take this one!

9. Do you know that girls are duplicitous? You never know how many tears she shed behind your back-don't buy such an expensive bag. Meowed, he really didn't buy it!

11. I worked overtime last night and called for takeout at 9: 11. I was going to order my favorite diced chicken with cream. I called: Hey, order takeout. I want diced chicken with nipple. Ah.

XI. I'm a little constipated after eating too well these days, so I asked Ma Ma to find me a medicine for constipation. Ma Ma immediately handed me a jujube and said, Eat it, food tonic is better than medicine tonic. I put jujube in my mouth and said, Ginger is still old and spicy. Mom knows so much. Ma Ma said: This is not true. The main reason is that this jujube just fell to the ground, so you can have diarrhea after eating it.

XIII. My wife is a hothead, and everything she does is in full swing! One day, when the child was ill, his wife rushed to the hospital, queued up to register and pay the money, and finally waited for the number. As soon as I sat down, my wife suddenly turned blue and sweated. The doctor asked: Miss! What's the matter with you? What's wrong? Let me take a look at it for you! Wife replied: I am fine! My child is sick and needs to see a doctor! But I left my child at home and forgot to take it out.

14. My daughter-in-law said to me this morning: Your mobile phone alarm is really ugly, and people have no desire to get up! Holy shit, there is no one who can say the reason for staying in bed like this.

15. Walking down the street with my buddies, I saw a beautiful woman who was forced to show her navel together, and those long legs on her chest. We looked at each other and gave a wretched knowing smile. When I realized it, oh, my god, I'm a woman.

XVI. My colleague slipped and hit his butt. It's been several days, and he always rubs it from time to time. I can't help asking him, what's the matter, brother? Does it still hurt? Why don't you take a leave and go to the hospital for a check-up? The goods are stupefied and don't hurt. I haven't touched a woman for a long time, and I miss this feeling very much!

XVII. Someone made a stove on his balcony, which made the people upstairs unable to keep their eyes open, and recited poems leisurely: The incense burner in Rizhao gave birth to purple smoke, and the people upstairs were very angry. Suddenly, they thought of a way, immediately brought a pot of water and poured it down, and recited poems to say: Look at the waterfall hanging in Qianchuan from a distance.

eighteen, female colleague said: I find you are a good man. I immediately kissed her on the cheek, and she looked at me in panic. I shrugged my shoulders and smiled and said, I'm sorry, I just want to prove your point wrong.

XIX. When I was in love with my girlfriend for a year, a local tyrant wanted to chase her. The local tyrant gave her a gold bar, but her girlfriend refused, and said to the local tyrant, You don't understand, some things are more precious than gold. Finally, she married the boss of a diamond company.

twenty, the students in the university dormitory were chatting before the lights went out, and they were enjoying themselves. I don't know who farted! Suddenly there was silence, and one classmate couldn't help asking who? No one answered. Suddenly someone said: I don't sound like a native.

21. My daughter is over 3 years old. She ate cake this morning, thinking it was a good opportunity to teach her math. So I said: Sissy, you have a cake now, and so does Dad. If I give you Dad's cake, how many cakes will you have? I didn't expect the girl to say without looking back that one is enough for me. You can eat it yourself ... Hey! Why don't you play your cards according to the routine?

Twenty-two, it's watermelon season again. Once I went to buy a melon, I knocked it ripe. As a result, I knocked it twice and it cracked. I silently changed it. Just as I picked up the third one, the stall owner looked at me with melancholy eyes and said, Girl! You are in the wrong place, this is not a boxing ring!

twenty-three, the bathroom is newly opened, and the discount is great! The customer asked: What's the price? The boss said: 11 for men and 111 for women. Customer: Why is the gap between men and women so big? Boss: That's right. Excuse me, which bathroom do you want to go into?

twenty-four, I remember when I was in college, an idiot classmate of mine was drunk. He picked up the public phone in school and dialed 111. Classmate: Hello, give me two Chinese buns. I'm in Binhai College. Hang up when you're done. After five minutes, I pick up the phone and call again. I added: No coriander. I hung up again. The next day, I was taken away by the police and kept closed for 12 hours before I was released. < P > Twenty-five, I had breakfast and bought a tea egg. At the end, I found that there was only egg white but no yolk. Ask the boss: Why doesn't your egg have yolk? The boss said calmly, because that chicken has no brain! I think it makes sense. . .

26. The leader knew that I was an old movie fan, so he asked me to watch Anti-Drug with him. When seeing Nick Cheung marry the most beautiful transsexual in Thailand, the leader suddenly turned his head and asked, "I wonder what it's like for a man to marry a transvestite who is more beautiful than a woman. Do you like it? "I was shocked and said," Leader, I'm not going to be transsexual! "Leadership look just said," what are you talking nonsense? I mean, I'll go if you like!

XXVII. Someone jumped off the building on the roof of the company next door, and the fire came. Pull the cordon. Laying an air cushion, but also psychologically comforting all kinds of persuasion, this hot day, busy around. I remember that in 2112, when there was a dispute in the shopping mall, dozens of people climbed upstairs and pretended to jump off the building to fight the fire, so they pulled the cordon and said, "All right, you can start jumping." < P > Twenty-eight, driving the mother and six-year-old daughter to the market with an electric tricycle, the country road was relatively flat, so they ran a little faster. When the daughter's eyes were uncomfortable with the wind, they shouted loudly, "Grandma, grandma, your son is driving so fast, but he just won't." You. You shouldn't have given birth to him in the first place, little thing. Who taught you

29. Last night, when my daughter-in-law was taking a shower, I saw her carrying a bag of things in. Later, I went in to see her eating cherries naked and asked her why she didn't come out from the shower. She said it was too much trouble to wash the cherries after the shower.

thirty, appreciating others is a kind of realm; Being kind to others is a kind of mind; Understanding others is a kind of self-restraint; Helping others is a pleasure; Learning from others is a kind of wisdom; Those who cheat me have increased my knowledge; People who trip me strengthen my ability; Those who rebuke me contribute to my wisdom; Those who abandoned me taught me independence; People who hurt me have honed my mind.

thirty-one, a buddy has recently hooked up with many girls, each one is more beautiful than the other! Ask him about pick up hot chicks's skills and he won't say anything! Today, I invited him to drink and got him drunk, and finally let him go: I always look at the dynamics of my friends nearby, find those girls who were hurt by love rat, comfort them, and listen to them talk to me: Take advantage of the situation, brilliant move! Dude: You don't know shit! I'm learning what tricks love rat uses to hook them up, and I'll use those tricks to hook up with beautiful girls

32. On a blind date ... The girl asked the boy, Do you have 11 million? Boy: My father does. Girl: Do you have a car? Boy: My father has three BMWs. Girl: Do you have a room? Boy: My father has three villas. Girl: Do you have a mother? Boy: No, girl: I'll go to your father.

thirty-three, a buddy's. He works in monitoring and security. I entered a batch of high-definition night vision surveillance cameras and even tested them at my own home. Who knows, two days later, I said that my home was stolen, and I lost 311 yuan and a broken phone. The thief actually left a note. Fuck, my home is so poor, so many monitors are installed!

34. Man: Wife! What's the use of spending so much money on a broken parrot? Other people's parrots can learn to talk. Look, if you buy this broken parrot, you only eat it every day! Woman: How should I know? I won't teach it to learn to talk! Man: If you can't learn, just stew it and eat it! Parrot: Gaga, don't, don't, don't, don't. Man: Yo, just be scared! Parrot: No, no, Brother Wang, no!

35. You want to spend my money, sleep in my house, beat my children and drive my car. You want someone to tell your sister-in-law that there is no way. I gave it to you for sleeping with my husband. Don't even think about giving the rest to some mistresses. In fact, you should just let them steal some green ones.

36. I bought ice cream for my three-year-old daughter, but again.

thirty-seven, amao: gang, do you know what car is the most annoying on this road? Me: Porsche, Ferrari, bba Mao touching his lame leg: No, it's the light of Wuling. You'll never guess how many people are in his car. < P > 38. I was listening to music with headphones on the subway. A begging child came over here a little bit and walked to others' place. He just bowed and nodded his head. Others didn't give him it. I thought, I won't give anyone a thought that the boy would suddenly kneel in front of me! A car full of people looked at me and suddenly turned red! Then he took the money out of his pocket and gave it to him reluctantly!

thirty-nine. I have a new girlfriend, who wants to visit my girlfriend's house. My girlfriend knows that she often swears, so she repeatedly reminds me not to talk nonsense, and someone readily agrees. After the meeting, someone responded freely without revealing anything, and his girlfriend's parents were very satisfied. After dinner, in the cold winter, my girlfriend's parents insisted on seeing each other off to the side of the road. Someone was very moved, and when his mind was hot, he blurted out, Uncle, don't send it off, go back quickly, and look at the forced sample of freezing it for my aunt!

Forty, my little nephew always watches TV or plays with his mobile phone when he comes home from school. I can't stand giving him a lecture today, saying that you can't stop watching TV or playing with your mobile phone after school. The little nephew said: I play with my mobile phone to let the TV rest for a while, and watching TV is to let the mobile phone stop for a while! Well, what you said is quite reasonable! Hey! I've lived in vain for 21 years

41. Be like water and do things like mountains. Water flows downwards and mountains go upwards. Low-key life, high-profile work, life can tend to be complete. Be a low-key person, that is, humble, steady, practical, forbearing and determined; High-profile work, that is, extreme accumulation, progress, resolute, informal. Low-key life, shaping the character; High-profile work, practice is a life of excellent ability and learning, is the top student.

forty-two, you only know when you are down and out, how few people are willing to help you. Only when you are poorest can you understand that no matter how good feelings are, they can't compete with reality. People are not greedy for money but are afraid of suffering. Only in a long life can I understand that romance is easier to endure than to endure. Everyone can love you but few people are willing to endure you. Therefore, what we should cherish most in this world are these three kinds of people: friends who are in urgent need, women who are willing to accompany you through poverty, and men who put up with you in everything < P > 43. CCTV interviewed an aunt. What do you think of homosexuality? Aunt said that love has no boundaries, and I sincerely wish them well. The reporter also asked if your son is gay? Aunt paused and said that I must kill him.

Forty-four, when I was a child, I went out to herd sheep in the forest. There was not much grass in the forest, so I thought of a way to pick those trees that were not too thick, climb them up, press down the tree heads and let the sheep eat the leaves. One day, a little friend of mine accompanied me to herd sheep. After I crushed a tree, I called him over and said, I'm going to crush another tree. Come and ride on it and help me. . The moment I came down, the little tree of friendship threw him out

Forty-five, at noon, two sisters in the office invited me to eat fast food. . . When we went out after dinner, I tugged at the door, but I couldn't open it. I turned around and said to her, Look, even if you are not full, you can open the door! ! Attendant: Big Brother, push! ! Funny quotations from food evaluation

1. The real food eater dares to face the thick thighs and challenge the bulging abdomen.

2. It is cruel for thin people to eat for fat people. It's very fashionable for fat people to show it to thin people.

3. Eating food means that others are full after eating two bites, and you can still eat two bites when you are full.

4. Eating food is either eating or on the way.

5. For eating food, nothing can't be saved by a bowl!

6. For foodies, the only thing you can't eat in this world is loss.

7. If you think that eating is the whole life of eating goods, it is wrong, and there is sleep!

8. Which is more important, food or figure? Eating food: What is the figure? Can I eat?

9. The biggest worry about eating food is not that there is nothing to eat, but that a lot of delicious food is placed in front of you, but it is sad to find that there is no room for it.

11, it is said that eating food will not fail because eating food is too heavy, and the high number will not fail.

11. As soon as the delicious food is served, the first instruction issued in your mind is to eat, not to take pictures, so that you can be called a competent foodie!

12. Why are there so many delicious things in the world? It's not that there are many delicious things, but that everything is delicious for you.