The librarian went over to the small, noisy boy. "Please be quiet!" she admonished. "The people near you can't read! "

"They can't? " the lad said inquisitively. "Then what are they doing here? "

Miaowen

The librarian went to the restless boy. "Please be quiet!" She warned. "People around you can't read books!"

"Can't see it?" The child asked curiously. "Then what are they doing here?"

An Energetic wife

Neighbour: I heard a big noise in front of your house last night. What happened to you?

Husband: It was nothing. My wife was a bit cross, and threw my overcoat out of the window.

Neighbour : Your overcoat? But how could it make such a noise?

Husband: I… I happened to be inside the coat.

An energetic wife

Neighbor: I heard a loud noise in front of your house last night. What happened to you?

Husband: Nothing. My wife was a little unhappy and threw my coat out of the window.

Neighbor: Your coat? Why is there such a loud noise when throwing coats?

Husband: I … I happen to be in my coat, too.

3.A Satisfactory Substitute

A neighbor boy knocked at the door.

"Can Timmy come out and play with me?" he asked.

"I'm sorry, but Timmy is taking his nap," Timmy's mother replied.

"Then can Timmy's new bike come out and play? " he inquired hopefully.

Satisfactory replacement

The neighbor's boy knocked at the door.

"Can Timmy come out and play with me?" He asked.

"Sorry, Timmy is taking a nap," Timmy's mother replied.

"Can Timmy's new bike come out to play?" He asked hopefully.

4. More Experienced

"Your Honor," the accused hit-and-run driver's lawyer pleaded, "that man who was injured must have been careless. My client is an experienced driver of more than 20 years."

"If experience is the issue here, " the other attorney countered, "my client has been walking for over fifty years.

Even more experienced.

"Your honor," said the lawyer of the accused getaway driver, "the injured man must have been careless. My client is a veteran with more than 20 years of driving experience. "

"If the problem here is experience," said another lawyer, "my client has been working for more than 50 years."

5. Not Difficult

The duck hunters had been waiting hours for some ducks to show up. Finally a lone duck flew by and everybody missed except one hunter who had been belting down a bottle of whiskey.

His pals asked him how on earth he had hit the thing.

"That's easy, " he replied, "you ought to be able to hit something when a flock that big goes by."

It's not difficult at all

Duck hunters waited for hours for the ducks to show up. Finally, a lone duck flew over. Everyone missed except one who drank a bottle of whisky.

The companion asked him how he shot it.

"It's not difficult at all," he replied. "When such a large group of people fly past, you can always hit something."

6.Vice-president

A man who had just been promoted to vice-president boasted so much about it to his wife that she finally retorted, "Vice-presidents are a dozen a dime. Why, in the supermarket they even have a vice-president in charge of prunes."

Furious, the husband phoned the supermarket in the expectation of refuting his wife. He asked to speak to the vice-president in charge of prunes.

"Which kind? " was the reply. "Fresh or dried? "

vice-president

The husband who was just promoted to vice president bragged to his wife, who finally retorted, "Vice presidents buy a dozen for a dime. You see there is even a vice president in charge of plums in the supermarket. "

The angry husband immediately called the supermarket to refute his wife. He asked to speak to the vice president in charge of plums.

"Who cares?" The other party replied. "Fresh goods or dry goods?"

7.Smart Customer

The butcher placed his last roast on the scale. "That'll be $ 3.95, " he told the customer.

"That one's too small. "

The canny butcher returned the roast to the refrigerator, paused a moment, then took it out again. "This one, " he announced, "will be $ 4.80. "

The customer smiled, "I'll take them both. "

Smart customer

The butcher put the last piece of barbecue on the scale. "3 yuan is ninety-five cents," he said to the customer.

"This piece is too small."

The cunning butcher put the barbecue back in the refrigerator, and after a while, took it out again. "This one," he shouted, "4 yuan is 80 cents."

The customer smiled and said, "I'll take both."

8.Sudden Realization

Two teenagers on a tour of a modern art gallery found themselves alone in a room of modern sculpture. Staring at the twisted pipes, broken glass, and tangled shapes, one of them said, "Let's get out of here before they accuse us of wrecking this place. "

suddenly realize

Two teenagers went to visit a contemporary art gallery and found that there were only two of them in an exhibition room of modern sculpture. Looking at the twisted iron pipes, broken glass and messy shapes, one of them said, "Let's go out and don't let people think that we ruined this place."

9.Full Name

"Do you know the name of the little boy who sits behind you, Rosalie? " Mother asked the first-grader.

"His name is Jimmy, " Rosalie answered.

"Jimmy who? " asked Mother.

"His whole name is Jimmy Sitdown, " said Rosalie, "that's what the teacher calls him. "

full name

Rosalie, do you know the name of the little boy sitting behind you? Mother asked her daughter in grade one.

"His name is Jimmy," Rosalie replied.

"Jimmy what?" Mom asked.

"His full name is Jimmy. Sit down," Rosalie said. "That's what the teacher called him."

10.Not That Bad

"It looks like a bad storm is coming up, " said the hostess, "you'd better stay for dinner. "

"Oh, thanks, " said the guest absently, "but I don't think it will be that bad. "

Not so.

"It looks like a rainstorm," said the hostess. "You'd better stay for dinner."

"Thank you," the guest replied absently, "but I don't think so."

1 1.Result Of Laziness

A teacher asked a class to write an essay on "The Result of Laziness. "

And what a bright but lazy boy in the class handed in as his composition was but a blank sheet of paper.

The result of laziness

The teacher asked the students to write a composition entitled "The result of laziness."

A boy in the class is lazy and clever. All he handed in was a blank sheet of paper.

12.Only One Who Could Answer

His name was Johnny, and one day he came home from school looking so miserable that his mother was worried. "What is wrong? " She finally asked. Out of his trousers pocket, Johnny fished a note from the teacher which said, "Johnny has been a very naughty boy. Please have a serious talk with him. "

"What did you do? " asked Mother.

"Nothing, " sobbed Johnny, "except that the teacher asked a question and I was the only one who could answer it. "

"H'm , " murmured Mother, "what was the question? "

"Who put the dead mouse in my drawer? " answered Johnny.

Only he can answer.

One day, Johnny came home from school with a particularly ugly face, and his mother was very anxious. "What's the matter?" She asked. Johnny took out a note from the teacher from his trouser pocket, which read: "Johnny is a very naughty boy, please talk to him seriously."

"What did you do?" Mom asked.

"Nothing," Johnny sobbed. "It's just that the teacher asked a question and only I can answer it."

"Well," mother mused, "what's the problem?"

"Who put the dead mouse in my drawer?" Johnny replied.

13.What Lincoln Did?

Father: Get up, son. When Lincoln was your age, do you know what he was doing?

Son: No, Dad, I don't. But I do know what he was doing when he was your age.

What is Lincoln doing?

Father: Son, get up quickly. Do you know what Lincoln was doing when he was your age?

Son: No, but I do know what he was doing when he was your age.

14.Good Answer

Interviewing an applicant for a chauffeur's job, a man said, "Now, I want a very careful chauffeur, one who doesn't take the slightest risk. "

The applicant responded, "I'm your man, sir. Can I have my salary in advance? "

Miaoda

When interviewing for a driver, the examiner said, "What I need is a very careful driver who never takes any risks."

The candidate replied, "Sir, I am just the person you want. Can I advance my salary? "

15.Hint

Leaving a plush dinner club one night, a miserly gentleman stalked right past the doorman without tipping him.

Nevertheless, the doorman helped the man into the car with a flourish and said pleasantly, "By the way, in case you happen to lose your wallet on the way home, sir , just remember that you didn't pull it out here. "

suggestion

One night, when leaving a luxurious restaurant club, a stingy gentleman swaggered past the waiter without tipping.

In spite of this, the waiter sent the man into the car smartly and said happily, "By the way, if you happen to lose your wallet on your way home, remember that you didn't find it here."

16.Good Reason

First mechanic: Which do you prefer, leather or fabric for the upholstery in cars?

Second mechanic: I like fabrics. Leather is too hard to wipe your hands on.

Good reason

Repairman A: Which kind of car cover do you prefer, leather or chemical fiber?

Repairman B: Chemical fiber. Leather hands are too hard to wipe.

17.Postage

If it's true the world's getting smaller, why do they keep raising the price of postage?

postage

If the world is really getting smaller and smaller, then why is the postage always rising?

18.Dumb Action

The teacher asked his pupils to write an essay telling what they would do if they had a million dollars. Every student except Willie began writing immediately.

Willie sat idle, twiddling his fingers and watching the flies on the ceiling.

"How is this , Willie? " asked the teacher. "Is this your essay? All the other pupils have written two sheets or more while you haven't done anything! "

"Well, " replied Willie, "that's what I'd do if I had a million dollar!"

dumb show

The teacher asked the students to write a composition about what they would do if they had10 million dollars. All the students wrote at once, but Willie didn't.

He sat in a daze, rubbing his fingers and staring at the flies on the ceiling.

"What's the matter, Willie?" The teacher asked. "You just write a composition? Other students have written 2 pages or more, and you have done nothing! "

"Yes," Willie replied, "if I had1million dollars, that would be like this."

19.Reason

A mother asked her son who had just returned from a youth group's car-washing project, "What was the least amount anyone paid you? "

He replied, "One man gave us just fifty cents. "

His mother said, "That's not very much. "

"I know, " he explained, "but maybe it's because we hosed his car before the windows were rolled up. "

cause

After the son came back from the youth car wash group, his mother asked, "How much is the least money?"

He replied, "A man only gave 50 cents."

Mom said, "Not much."

"I don't know much," explained the son. "Maybe it's because we started flushing before he rolled up the window."

20.Typical

A wife was telling her neighbor about her fishing trip with her husband, "I did everything wrong on the trip. I talked too loud, I made too much noise, I used the wrong bait, I reeled in too soon, and I caught more fish than he did. "

typical

A wife was talking to her neighbor about her fishing trip with her husband: "I made mistakes all the way." I spoke too loudly and made too much noise. I used the wrong bait and hooked it too early, but I caught more fish than him. "

2 1.Fond Of Him

"I suppose the baby is fond of you, " said the visitor to the new father.

"Fond of me? Why, he sleeps all day when I'm not at home and stays up all night to enjoy my company, " answered the proud father.

be in favour of

"It seems that the baby likes you," the guest said to the new father's host.

"like it? Yes, he sleeps all day when I'm not at home, and then stays up all night to let me stay with him, "replied the proud father."

22.A Long Time

Greta Garbo was invited to a Hollywood dinner which was attended also by Dr. Albert Einstein. Having some vague idea as to Dr. Einstein's status, Greta turned to him during the dinner and remarked, "Doctor, I understand that you have a great theory. Won't you please explain it all to me? "

"My dear lady, " said Einstein, "I' m afraid there will not be time enough during the dinner to explain the theory of relativity, but perhaps I can tell you about the law of gravitation, which is really a prerequisite. "

So Dr. Einstein went on to tell her all about the phenomenon of gravity and its consequences. Upon the conclusion of his discourse, Greta seemed very impressed and said to him, "Well, for goodness' sake, Doctor, how long has this been going on? "

long time

Greta garbo was invited to attend the Hollywood dinner, and Dr. Albert Einstein was also present. Gretel had a vague impression of Dr. Einstein's identity, so she turned to him during the dinner and said, "Doctor, it seems that you have a great theory." Could you please explain it again? "

Einstein said, "dear lady, I'm afraid there is not enough time to explain the theory of relativity at the moment." But maybe I can tell you something about the law of gravity, which is actually a prerequisite. "

Then Dr. Einstein began to explain the phenomenon of gravity and its consequences to her. After listening to the explanation, Gretel seemed very inspired and said to him, "God, doctor, how long has this phenomenon been around?"

23.Not Fair

Two fishermen sitting on a bridge, their lines in the water, made a bet as to who would catch the first fish. One of them got a bite on his line and got so excited that he fell off the bridge.

"Oh, well, " said the other, "if you're going to dive for them, the bet's off!"

unfair

Two anglers were sitting on a bridge, their lines were floating in the water, and they made a bet to see who could catch the fish first. One of them found that the fish had bitten the hook and fell off the bridge because of his excitement.

"Well," said another, "if you fish in the water, you can't play this bet!"

24.Football

Seeing his first American football game, the Englishman watched one of the teams go into a huddle.

"What do you think of it? " asked his American friend.

"It's not a bad sport, " he observed, "but they have too many committee meetings. "

Rugby

An Englishman watched a football game for the first time and found one of the teams huddled together.

"What do you think?" Asked his American friend.

"It's a good sport," he commented, "except that they have too many meetings."

25.Doctor And Mechanic

Doctor Smith phoned Mike, his mechanic, in middle of the night and said, "It's my engine again, Mike. I can't get it started. That car is one big headache! "

"Well, Doctor, take two aspirins and phone me again in the moring. "

Doctors and repairmen

Dr. Smith called his car mechanic Mike in the middle of the night and said, "It's my car engine again, Mike. I can't start it, this car is really a headache! "

"Well, doctor, take two aspirin and call me tomorrow morning."

26.Walking Dog

The little boy was making a manful effort to lead a large, shaggy dog. "Where are you taking him? " he was asked.

"I don't know yet, " the lad replied, "but when he makes up his mind where he wants to go, I'm going to take him there. "

walk the dog

A little boy is imitating an adult, struggling to lead a big long-haired dog. "Where are you taking it?" Someone asked him.

"I don't know yet," the child replied, "but if the dog has decided where to go, I will take it."

27.Who For Whom

Dismayed by the size of the Newfoundland dog given to him for his birthday, the small boy wanted to know, "Is he for me, or am I for him ?"

Who gave it to whom?

The little boy got a Newfoundland dog on his birthday. The size of the dog frightened him, so he asked, "Give it to me or me?"

28.Keep It Confidential

"Don't you and your wife ever have a difference of opinion? "

"Sure we do -- but I don't tell her about it. "

keep secret

"Have you and your wife never disagreed?"

"Of course-but I won't tell her."

29.Stranger

A young mother put her two children to bed, then changed into an oversized sweat shirt and an old pair of blue jeans and proceeded to wash her hair. All during the shampoo she could hear the youngsters growing wilder and noisier.

She finished as quickly as she could, wrapped a large towel around her head, stormed into the children's room and put them back to bed with a stern warning to stay there.

As she left she heard her two-year-old say to his brother in a trembling voice, "who was that? "

stranger

The young mother put her two children in bed, put on a big undershirt and an old pair of jeans, and began to wash her hair. Just as she poured shampoo on her head, she heard two little guys getting more and more fierce.

She washed her hair in a hurry, wrapped in a big towel, rushed into the children's room, put them back on the bed, and sternly warned them to stay there.

When she left, she heard her two-year-old child ask her brother in a trembling voice, "Who is that?"

30.Inflation

"With the high price of food, my shopping habits have changed, " commented the housewife, "now I fill the shopping cart with money and put the food in my purse. "

inflation

"My shopping habits have changed since the price of food went up," commented the housewife. "Now I use a shopping cart to load money and use money to package food."

33.Salesmanship

The sales manager was approached by some little Girl Scouts peddling cookies. "Why do you want to see me? " he asked.

"Because you are so handsome, " smiled one little girl.

He bought twelve boxes and went back to his desk murmuring, "There is no brighter sales tool than truth. "

salesmanship

Several girl scouts selling cakes found the sales manager. He asked, "Why did you want to see me?"

"Because you are handsome," a little girl said with a smile.

He bought a box of 12, went back to his desk and said to himself, "There is nothing smarter than telling the truth."

35.Accurate

He had found fault with his secretary for altering a sentence in a letter he had dictated.

"I don't want you to think, " roared the great man, "I want you to take down my words accurately and then type them, neither adding nor leaving out anything I may say. "

Later in the afternoon the typist brought back the following letter:

"Dear Smyth: Spell it with a "y" , though that's pure swank on his part. In answer to your letter of--look up the date. We can quote you--tell me, Walter, what's the most we can charge this old buzzard? Very well. We can quote you $ 50 a ton for the goods. If he accepts we shall have to make sure of our money beforehand, for I don't trust him. Awaiting the pleasure of your valued order, yours faithfully."

accurate

He found that the secretary had adjusted the sentence of a letter he dictated.

"I don't need you to be thoughtful," roared the great man. "I just need you to write down my words accurately and type them-don't add or delete anything in what I say."

In the afternoon, the typist sent back the following letter:

"Dear Smith: Change' Mi' to' Mi', only he likes to show off. I am replying to-check the date-letter. We can make you an offer-tell me, Walter, what's the highest we can offer this old greedy bug? It's good. We can quote you $50 per ton. If he accepts, we have to make sure that we get the money first, because I don't trust him. Waiting for good news. Yours sincerely. "

38.It Changed Him

"I'm glad to find you as you were, "said the old friend. "Your wealth hasn't changed you. "

"Well, " replied the candid millionaire, "it has changed me in one thing. I'm now‘ eccentric’ where I used to be impolite, and ‘delightfully witty’ where I used to be rude. "

change

"I'm glad you're still the same," said the old friend. "Your wealth hasn't changed you."

The straightforward millionaire replied: "It has changed a little: the rudeness in the past has become' different' now, and the rudeness in the past has become' smart' now."

39.Specialty

First surgeon (leaving operating room):That was close!

Second surgeon: What do you mean?

First surgeon: An inch either way and I would have been out of my specialty.

major

The first surgeon (about to leave the operating room): What a mystery!

Second surgeon: What's the matter?

The first surgeon: No matter which way I go beyond 1 inch, I'm out of my major.

40.A Problem

The new minister's family was presented with a pie baked by one of the congregation who was a rather poor cook. The pie was inedible, so the minister's wife reluctantly threw it into the garbage.

The preacher was faced with the problem of thanking the lady, while at the same time being truthful. After much thought, he sent the following note:

"Dear Mrs. Jones: Thank you for being so kind and thoughtful. I can assure you that pie like yours never lasts long at our house! "

Headache

The new pastor received a pie gift, which was baked by a poor person in the parish/kloc-0. The pie was inedible, so the priest's wife had to throw it into the trash can.

The problem facing the priest is to thank the lady and tell the truth at the same time. After racking his brains, he sent this note:

Dear Mrs Jones, thank you for your kindness and thoughtfulness. I can assure you that pies like yours have never been put aside in my house! "

42.Her Prayer

Louise, a little girl who had begun life in a happy-go-lucky household, went to spend a few days with a very strict aunt.

One evening, after a trying day when she had been scolded for her small faults even more than usual, she said her evening prayer. As the aunt passed the bedroom door, she heard, "…and please, make all the bad people good, and the good people a little easier to live with. "

Her prayers

Louise, a little girl who used to live a carefree life, went to her very strict menstruation home for a few days.

One day, she was reprimanded more than usual for some small things. After the hard day, she said her evening prayers. When menstruation passed by her bedroom door, she heard: "... and please make all the bad guys better and the good guys better."