Who can say a hear can laugh adult jokes

1. Today, after work and colleagues to go to dinner, we ordered a plate of chili scrambled eggs, found that there is a hair, and then colleagues will use chopsticks to pick up the hair, shouting, boss ~ ~ you see what this is? The boss took a look and said, "Oh, come on, let's get this lady a new pair of chopsticks! To the lady for a pair of chopsticks

2. On a whim, take their own photos as a computer desktop ... and then my computer was poisoned ...

3. Recently cooled down, on the highway to see a strong man, drove a convertible sports car, wearing a motorcycle helmet.

4. batch of homework, see the students to do geometric problems without drawing, hand annotated: no picture, no truth ~

5. girlfriend wants to check the phone bill, send a text message to the 10086: how much of my phone bill is left

6. one day I was in the toilet (the toilet in the school dormitory, squatting), squatting too long a leg a little numb, and then put his hand to the door to keep his balance, and then I felt that another piece of poop was coming out, so I started to push, and I didn't realize that I was using force on my hands, too. 。。。。。 The door lock broke and I rolled out. Can you think of the scene your classmate's classmate who was outside at the time saw? A bare pi stock of classmates suddenly rolled out of the toilet, accompanied by a poop jet from his PP, absolutely shocking!!!! And everyone on the same floor basically knew each other, my X! I can't hold my head up in front of this group of students for the rest of my life...

7. The first time I went to eat Italian pizza, I do not know what to eat, I ordered a 38 yuan plus 8 yuan to send a cheese package.

After the meal, found that there is something missing, a thought, the original less cheese, so shouted: waiter, my share of cheese how not on ah? I've finished it, so why don't you let me eat it?

Waiter: Sir, your cheese is already on your pizza...

Me: It's okay, go ahead and get busy...

8. One day after gym class, hungry, ran to the restaurant to eat, crowded, too crowded, but also messy, I'll be playing rice aunt shouted: "My rice speed points ah!" I shouted to the woman who was cooking, "Hurry up inside! To rice waiting anxious ```"

9. My brother went to an elementary school to play basketball, heard a lower grade girl asked a lower grade boy: "Do you love me or not?" The boy said helplessly, "My mom gives me three dollars a day, of which two and a half are letting you take it to buy snacks, you say I love you or not...

10. In the morning, my husband sent me to the unit and left, and then I suddenly received a text message from him: "I just sent that bitch (river crab) away, and I'll be right there to find you, honey."

11. In the morning, the bus sat next to a MM with a mask and is by the window position, now is not the influenza is very fierce, so I do not think there is anything. We all know that now in winter, more people bus windows are closed, the car's odor naturally poor some people are frowning. But the MM's demeanor to a very natural only to see her from the pocket took out a straw on the corner of the mouth and open the window a gap, greedily sucking the outside air 。。。。。 This behavior is not ordinary people ah =.

12. Our math teacher always like to pretend to be humorous and say a joke that no one laughs at

We talked about spoofing him as a class, and when he said his first words in class, we all laughed out loud

That day he came in, and was silent for a moment, and said that his father had passed away

I immediately let out a big laugh and the others were silent.

13. When I was in high school, I lived in a school, and some students went home and asked him to help me take some things, so I sent a text message: burn me some clothes and money.

14. The day suddenly received a phone call: "Guess who I am? I'm not going to be able to do that, but I'm going to be able to do it.

I guessed all the possible people, and it was not right. Then I got angry and asked, "Who the hell are you? If you don't tell me, I'm hanging up!"

Turns out the guy said "I'm a courier, you have a package ......"

At that point I spit blood.

15. I am a nurse, one day on the night shift, in the middle of the night when suddenly want to get up to planted vegetables confiscated for fear of being stolen by others, then call my sister so that she can help me to collect, and by the way to steal some of the other people's, after the phone call to the patient to send oral medication, I gently into the room, gently patted the patient awake and gently said: moncler outlet store, get up to steal vegetables

16. One stop the driver asked: "Close the back door ah!" No one answered, so he closed the back door and started. It was a girl's weak voice from the car: "Open the door!" The driver braked in annoyance, banged open the back door, and yelled, "Get off if you want to!" The car people are looking at the back door, half a day but no one down, face to face do not know what's going on.

Then the woman on the car TV let out another cry, "Open the door!"

17. I farted a fart on the bus,

See around them have waved their hands, the expression of pain,

I also waved my hands.

The lady next to me turned her head and said: you do not pretend

18. Wuhan University scandal, I do not know if this counts - Wuhan University has a class of Zhou Yi, the teacher took a compass to come in, around the classroom God chattered a circle, and then, spit out the words: students, today is not appropriate to class, the class is not in the classroom, and then, the class is not in the classroom, and the class is not in the classroom.

19. One day at four o'clock in the middle of the night, a friend called and said: "That, I just saw your cell phone on a missed call last year, so I called to ask you what's going on."

I was speechless

20. A high school friend of mine went to a highway intersection as a toll collector after graduation. One day, a Japanese man came to his window to ask for directions. The Japanese fluent English so that he did not understand a word, but a strong sense of patriotism told him not to lose face in front of the Japanese, so he smiled and nodded his head and said, "yes,yes,yes~!" Then the Japanese man rode his bike onto the highway!

21. My wife and I went to visit the Wolverine Temple, my wife could not walk on the road, so I carried her.

An old woman saw it and said seriously: see you are also a person who has read books. Wife is sick or go to the hospital early, worship is useless

22. My house is rented to a Japanese guest, one day, the guest called me a phone, with a mouth is not very fluent in Chinese, said: "Chen Temple (sang), the home of the natural gas is running out, can you help me to add a little!" Since the customer seldom bothered me, I hoped that the house would not cause him any inconvenience, so I asked, "Kurokawa Temple (sang), are you out of gas now?" @#......%￥@#,I felt something was wrong as soon as the words came out of my mouth. Fortunately, I am Japanese and do not understand the "essence" of Chinese, so I actually replied, "I am not out of breath yet, but I think I will be out of breath in three days! "

23. After high school military training, the first day of class, is a language class.

The same table did not rest over, sleep in class.

The teacher saw, "The student who slept,

please answer the question."

The same table woke up with a jolt, "I won't ......"

The teacher: "Pay attention to the lecture, don't sleep anymore,

Sit down! Then student number 53 will answer this question."

The table stood up again:

"Teacher, I can't ........"

The teacher swooned, "Sit down, then student xxxxx will answer the question! "

The table then stood up: "Teacher, I really can't! "

"Sit down! The representative of the language class will get up and answer me! "

The same table stood up again: "Teacher, I am the language class representative ......."

24. down the carport to get a car, see no one around, it is very bold put a P, the results caused by the next door electric motorcycle immobilizer loud sound

25. sitting in the bus, I sat in the front row by the window seat.

After half an hour, I put my head out the window.

There was also a brother in the back row with his head out the window.

I yelled at him, "Put your head back in."

The guy, who didn't look like he was in a good mood, crossed his eyes and said, "Go on, it's none of your business."

I retracted my head back and so did the brotha, I turned my head and said to him very politely, "Please don't stick your head out the window again."

I stuck my head out the window a second time.

I guess the brother, who has a lot of pride, thought, if you can reach out, so can I, and stuck his head out the window once again.

I couldn't hold it in any longer, so I threw up and got a face full of dirt.

The man screamed, and my friend, who was next to me, said to him, "What are you screaming for?

26. I bought an ipod touch, a friend of mine and I said that the screen is very hard, do not need to paste the film, the key scratch are fine. Then I scratched it with my keys. Grass

27. Once, after the bell rang, a boy stormed into the classroom, rushed to the last row, the teacher issued a message: some students are late, from the back door to come in, do not affect others! The boy sat down, that out of the bun, took a bite. He realized that there was a pretty MM next to him, who kept staring at her. He thought that MM hadn't eaten breakfast either, so he gave her the bun attentively. The teacher spoke again, this time ugly face: some students late even if, but also in the classroom to eat breakfast, they eat also forget, do not give the buns to the teacher of the classroom well!

28. My parents said, when I was small and they stayed with them in the hotel, get up in the morning they found me very well behaved to take a toothbrush to brush their teeth, the problem is that the hotel sink is higher than my people, they asked me how to fill to the water, I took them into the toilet, pointing to the toilet bowl ......

29. Once I went to the comic book bar Rented a book Kintaichi, just saw the second page on the tears, I do not know which God damned with a blue ballpoint pen in a certain character drew a circle, write, this is the murderer ......

30. That day in the friend's house, the phone do not know where to put can not find, I borrowed a friend of his girlfriend's cell phone to dial, listen to where it is. Enter my number, a press the dial-out button, the screen showed her saved my name: NB3 (followed by a feeling of relief, fortunately a third place...)

31. Today in the school group meeting, a sudden accidental sneeze, raised his head and found that the snot Biao to the front of the girl's back, the girl did not realize, so secretly want to help her wipe off, just put his hand up, next to the girl found out, yelled "How do you wipe snot on the body of the others ah! "

32. college that will be students dinner, drinking a cup after a cup of dry, a moment in the stomach to have a reaction.

Rushing to the toilet, not yet stood firm on the gushing out, full of a ground ah 。。。。 The first thing you need to do is to get a good deal of money to pay for the services you need. After a while, my friend got up and said he wanted to go to the bathroom, I kindly advised: "Do not go, just someone vomited, too disgusting."

33. afternoon on the bus, out of the bus card bam into the coin hole

34. middle school, a homework is not good, the workbook teacher gave me 2 words, redo, the next morning I went to buy breakfast, and then the workbook to the desk called him to help me hand in, the most classic place appeared, his old man in the back of the re-do wrote a, not to do. Handed over, next, on a drama ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, more tragic is almost graduation, he just told me ,,,,,,

35. Walking in the crowded streets behind the sudden sound of a sharp overbearing siren, not yet reacted to a Buick commercial car hit my shoulder; I did not get angry, just gently take out the keys, in its forward The process from beginning to end of a beautiful arc

36. In a stall to buy socks, a pair of one yuan, cheap, would have liked to buy thirty pairs, the results are only left with the same black style, socks seller fooled me that a color is good to lose a take the top of the other who can not see.... I bought 30 pairs of socks ..... I changed them every two days... As a result, after almost two months, my desk really can not stand to see, said: lazy death you, how two months you even socks do not say change a pair

I: ....

37. High school a classmate said in his sleep

"Aifei, Aifei, do not leave me"

I was petrified ......

After a while

"Dang! Qing Dynasty so perished, I'm not willing to na, I'm not willing to na"

I directly collapsed ......

38. Say a my wife's business

The day before yesterday my wife to find a financial software on the Internet, I let the computer to her, I look at the side of the wife skillfully The www.google.com open, in the search field enter "Baidu", and then open Baidu in the search results, continue to find what she wants - - +

Now, I have to find something will say to my wife, google Baidu a ... ...

39. Tell me about a classmate's parents.

His parents just started a relationship. One day when they went shopping, his mom saw a down jacket, but once she saw the price, she pulled his dad away.

His father said: "We can't afford it, but we can't try it. The first thing he said was, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

His mom changed out, his father looked around, pulled his mom to run, said: run! The sales clerk was not there!

His mom was wearing the down jacket, the label floated outside, was dragged by his father to run out, just past a pillar, his mom hugged the pillar and cried. His dad looked back and said seriously, "Run! Are you waiting to be caught?

His mom cried more fiercely . Then his dad laughed: hahahahaha ...... clothes money you go in when I have paid.

40. classmate A car accident, foot fracture, hospitalized

We a few play well classmates went to see him

One into the hospitalization department met his parents

I rushed forward to ask about A's condition

Results of the opening of the mouth turned into

"uncle auntie, A is how to die ah~. ~."

His mom and dad went green.

41. When I was in high school, one of the funniest things

We didn't have any money, so we often chipped in to buy cigarettes, and that day, my buddy and I bought a carton of cigarettes

I was just about to go to the restroom to smoke them, and then class started, and the homeroom teacher's class started, and then we had to start class.

The class started with the guy furtively writing a note, and then kneading it up and throwing it to me.

This is the first time I've ever seen him do that, but I don't know if it's true.

The teacher saw it, and she came down and took it away, stood on the podium and started to read it

Sweating, if I had known what it said, I would have swallowed it rather than give it to her

The teacher opened her mouth and said, "Yak (my nickname, if you have any of my classmates on Humblebee, you'll be able to recognize me)". ", the class burst into laughter ......

"This pack of cigarettes first to ZJ to take two" the class continued to burst into laughter ...... in addition to ZJ

"In to the boss (a classmate nickname, not really what the boss) take two" the class continued to burst out laughing ...... except ZJ and the boss

"The rest we two equal share" The class has laughed their stomachs hurt ......

The most classic appeared

"If you want the box, less one, do not want the box if more one" the class directly laughed down ... ...

I am completely speechless ...... embarrassed RZ

42. My roommate teased me by hiding my wallet in a small box, MD problem is that the small box is a gift that I want to send to a female Internet user in Guangzhou, and I'm too good to send it out for two days before I realize that my wallet is gone. I'm in Wuhan. I'm in Wuhan, my ID card, bank card, girlfriend's photo all in the hands of the female net friend in Guangzhou.

43. When I was in high school, I always got together to smoke in class

That day, I just had a better thing to say to everyone, and as a result, I smoked slowly

Everyone else smoked, and I still have half a stick left, and I saw that it was almost time to go to class, and I smoked it in a big way

And then suddenly the classroom teacher came in, and I threw the cigarettes on the floor, and I stamped on them with my foot

But the two cigarettes that I smoked in just now are still there, and I don't know if I've ever seen them before. p>But the two puffs of smoke that I just inhaled had to hold my breath

The homeroom teacher had already seen it and came over to me and asked me if I was smoking

I shook my head

The homeroom teacher: Speak up

Continue to shake your head

The homeroom teacher was furious: You give me the words to speak

Me: I...didn't...I'm not.... ... smoking ... smoke ... (accompanied by smoke from the nose and mouth continue to gush)

The class teacher also did not hold back laughter ......

44. online to spend 50 dollars to buy a handmade face wash soap. Not two days, and then at night when I want to use it again, I found that it was already half thin, and it was still covered with soap bubbles, so I was angry that I spit blood.

My father also said, you this soap is really good, after the bath all slippery.

45. I came back to the dormitory at noon, saw my cup of Coke, directly a mouthful of all drink. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do this, but I'm going to be able to do it. The original dormitory buddy to eat dumplings bought a bag of vinegar, no place to pour, with my cup loaded.

46. The teacher likes to throw himself into the problem, and one day the teacher said: "The radius of my base is 20cm, and my height is 50cm, so I..." The following someone said: "It's a rice bucket...". "

47. I'm a bit of a throwaway, and last night I forgot to turn off the gas after I took a shower...

Then my mom said, while helping me clean up the mess, "So you can't commit a crime because you'll leave evidence of one...

48. When I was digging in my pocket, a key fell out and I didn't realize it at the time, but I went back to look for it!

There was a young couple on the side of the road, and the man suddenly got excited and said: Whose is it? I'm not going to be able to get a good look at it, but I'm going to be able to find it.

I thought it was the key and said, "Mine, mine!

Later, I realized that the woman was pregnant 。。。。. I'm not sure how much I'm going to be able to afford to pay for this, but I'm sure I'll be able to.

49. My sophomore year of high school next door like a true story....

A certain A was sleeping in class...

The teacher found out

He was furious... So he told A to go to the blackboard and solve the problem .....

If he couldn't write, he was going to humiliate A in public

In fact, A didn't even get to the blackboard before the teacher started to sour him...

How dare you sleep in class when your grades are so poor? All you do is sleep...

I never thought... He can actually write... And he did it beautifully...

The teacher was a bit embarrassed... So she told him to go back to his seat and leave him alone. ....

Unexpectedly, he even choked with the teacher ....

I'll take a nap first

You can ask me again later if you don't know

50. My girlfriend has a summer job selling cell phones at a cell phone plaza

One day at noon during lunch time, there was almost no one in the plaza, and the counter next to my girlfriend came to see an uncle looking at a cell phone, and it just so happened that the counter of that section of the mm hadn't eaten yet, and she looked at him with a gasp. Uncle is not like to buy a cell phone, the Lord, did not get up with the arm on the counter supporting the head, because this mm chest (River Crab) Department is relatively large, the uncle looked at the look suddenly found that you can see the mm's breasts (River Crab) ditch, the eyes are looking straight, my daughter-in-law found that want to remind the mm, the results of the mm unresponsive, a few minutes later, the mm open: big brother, enough to look at it? See enough to buy a cell phone it ......

The results of the uncle did not say anything, bought a cell phone and fled the door ......

51. Listen to a friend, a colleague of his relatives to Xiamen, the relatives gave a Xiamen e-cartoon, the bus. bus, this person to the driver to see the e cartoon, want to go to find a position, the driver called him, said: "read the card ah", he picked up the e cartoon, read aloud to: "Xiamen e cartoon ~ ~", the driver said: "to the side of the read", the person actually walked directly to the driver pointed to the place, with all its strength read: "Xiamen e cartoon", ...... car The scene out of control

52. shopping supermarket

See a cashier in a very serious count a bunch of coins

A child ran past, while running and singing: the bridge in front of the river downstream of a group of ducks, quickly come quickly count a count, two, four, six, seven, eight 。。。。

Then the cashier was very depressed and counted half of the coins backward and recounted them...

53. I was on a date with my girlfriend and saw that there was a girl in front of me who looked a lot like my girlfriend, so I went up and shot her in the ass.

She turned her head and gave me a slap.

Then someone tapped me on the shoulder...

I turned my head and my girlfriend slapped me.

54. Dragon Boat Festival is coming, the unit issued a box of milk and a bag of good Thai rice, unit a female colleague after work let me help him move home, to the downstairs, the colleague said: "Call no one to answer, you wait for me downstairs, I went up to see if my husband, I called him down to move, if he is not, then you have to trouble you to help me! Move it up." We are all friends, I nodded and didn't say anything.

After a while, the female coworker stood on the balcony of her house and called down, "You come up hey!"

I didn't hear it the first time and didn't react. Then I heard my female colleague shouting, "Hey! My husband is not at home, come up quickly!"

The words came out, alarmed the neighbors, are just home from work, home are people, everyone ran to the balcony to see. I've been in full view of the public on is not, down is not, go more is not, nnd, there are a lot of people in that neighborhood know me. I would like to remind her not to shout: "What did you say?". I'm not sure what I'm talking about. Who knows that my female colleagues not only did not react, but also thought I did not hear clearly, hands made a horn shape on the side of the mouth louder word for word called: "Hear it? My husband is not at home, come up quickly, wait anxiously!"

55. Primary school, I a male student, walking on the time to pick up a piece of paper, open a look at a great, is a written curse words of the paper, which says that if you don't copy the contents of this paper 50 times tomorrow to send to someone else, then it will be a very ugly death, and so on and so forth. My classmate was so scared that he went home and copied 50 copies of the paper overnight. The next day to send to others, at first sent out a few, but then we know what it is, say what do not want him to hand over the paper, so the morning passed, his hand also accumulated dozens of copies.

The first music class in the afternoon, the teacher happened to point to his name to let him sing, only to see the little boy teary-eyed stood up, said quietly: "are dying people .... Which mood to sing ah ...." .

56. students outing, climbed to the top of the mountain, a girl especially excited to stand at the top of the mountain shouting: motherland ah, my mother! And then a crush on this girl's boys special exhilaration shouted: motherland ah, my mother-in-law!

58. Primary school every day only a few cents of pocket money, once saved for a few days, it was not easy to buy a packet of five spice melon seeds, class secretly all knocked, melon shells all in the desk drawer, the afternoon came to the class looked at the melon shells and craving, so the melon shells and put in the mouth are contained once again, the feeling of the taste is good ah.

A classmate asked me what to eat, I had to say eat melon shells, specially bought five spice melon shells, only shells without meat, is to eat the flavor. As a result of that afternoon a bunch of students around my seat to eat I licked twice the melon shells 。。。。

59. When I went to school, the school was a bungalow, and the school opened in September, and a lot of new students came. One day a freshman seemed to be a class representative holding a pile of homework, asked me: "Where is the math office?"

"By the men's room." The math office was indeed by the men's room, but to the left.

The guy went to the right side of the men's room and yelled "report" at the door.

There was a pause, and then a voice from inside said "no one is allowed to enter"!

60. When I was in high school, I liked to play soccer, and my gf used to watch me play. Once I was practicing shooting at the goalposts, and she ran by and said, "I'm standing there, can you kick me down?" (about 15 meters or so) I said try it!

The result is that I don't know what kind of scripture I've got, but I've got a great shot, and I've got a head shot!

Crying on the spot, he didn't talk to me for a week!

61. I told my friend that I lost my bike, less than a week after I bought it.

Friends said you that counts for something, I bought a bike, just look at it lost:

Friends entrusted others to buy a bike, more than twelve o'clock at noon, he was in the kitchen frying, only to hear the downstairs someone shouted: "x chief of the car bought back!"

The friend poked his head out of the window and said, "Put it there, I'll be right down, thanks ah!"

Turns off the fire, wipes his hands, and goes downstairs.

nnd, the car is gone ......

62. Went to a pizza store to buy a pizza! The waiter asked me if I wanted it cut into 8 or 12 pieces. I thought about it and said, "I'd rather have 8 pieces, I can't finish 12 pieces!

63. I came across a writer's personalized signature: maybe it seems to be probably, but not necessarily not necessarily. I came across a GG personality signature: give me a girl, I can create a nation.

64. When speculating on stocks, I asked a colleague: "Did you buy PetroChina?" The colleague said: "Bah! You're the one who bought PetroChina. Your whole family bought PetroChina and Sinopec!"

65. I spent 80,000 yuan to buy a Western Zhou pots, yesterday to the "treasure" column for identification, the expert said seriously: "Which is the Western Zhou? This is last week's!"

66. Even MM class is an old woman in her 50s.

One day to visit the boys' dormitory,

just a boy nothing to wear in the underground scurrying~

was the class saw

immediately screamed and jumped to the bed,

covered the quilt~

Ben left a sentence on the way out:

My years of age what have not seen,

You call!

The classmate was so cold - -!!!!

67. Pirated CDs:

-Are you serious?