1, too much interference, bring the child is helpless

For example, early adolescent love, etc., learn to communicate with the children, and guide the children to master the communication with others and the correct method of communication, for the children on the opposite sex of the hazy feeling of neither absolute negative interference, but also to affect the consequences of learning and children and children, so that the children happily accept the friend of the friendly, face a life in the face of the friend of a person, the child will be the first time to see the child. The friendliness of the face of life one by one, to solve and get through a difficult situation, you will find that you have a wonderful child! And will they still be curious and have to try this kind of thing when it is said and understood? So it's possible that when your child is overly curious, it's also possible that your interference creates more of an atmosphere of inquiry and mystery for them.

2, too high expectations, bring the child is hopeless

Dear moms and dads do not "mom and dad are good for you" as the reason to force the child, sometimes forcing the child to become a dragon, the dragon will become a worm. So correctly assess your child's ability and potential, envision a goal for your child that is always within your child's reach, communicate with your child, ask them what they think and what they need, let your child have more autonomy, and encourage them to do things without forcing them to do things that will give your child the exercise they need to get better than if they were forced to do it.

3. Overprotecting the child is not an option

The child can't peel an egg, the child can't take care of himself, and the girl can't take care of herself, and so on. Let your child "become" a little more ordinary, a little more ordinary, this is not to abuse the child, but to give the child a safe living space. With a good body, there is a safe foundation for the other ah! If you want to let the birds fly in the sky, you have to let them learn to fly first, right? So a child who is overprotected can "fly"?

4, excessive spoiling, bring the child is ruthless

Many parents of the child's material needs to meet unlimited, the child's spiritual needs but very indifferent, because parents always say: "I am busy to make money, are for you to have a good condition of life". But dear moms and dads, do you know? Teenagers psychological need is more companionship and care, spiritual things are sometimes more valuable than material, when you are busy making money, but caused the child and the people out of place, and even to the opposite, the problem in the child, the root of the disease is likely to be in the parents ah? Therefore, you think about this love is worth it? The first thing you need to do is to think about what you want your children to do, and what you want them to do, and what you want them to do.

5, too much blame, to bring the child is overwhelmed

For the child, be recognized, the psychological needs of the correct evaluation than the desire for money and entertainment. A good child is praised out, if you always tell your child, how other people's children are good, he does this or that is not good! He will think that you don't love him and that everything he does is bad, so why should he try? Because doing it is wrong, you love other children.

Looking at those children who grew up tired of running, dear moms and dads, have you ever thought about what you want in the end? People have to learn to give and take, can not expect to get it all. Children are timid and impatient, many times parents interfere and habitual, in the children's learning, the most needed is not the teacher and parents of the supervision, but the audience but the applause. Some things in life do not have to care, but some things can not care, that is, the child's love for you. The child's love is embodied, only to produce immense joy.

If you want to let the child seriously listen to their own words, we need to know the child's psychology, so that the communication time to avoid the occurrence of the child has a rebellious mood of the situation. If you do not master the communication skills, even if you are for the good of the child, the child will not appreciate.

Not long ago, I heard a mom say: I don't know how to talk to my kids. I'm not sure what to say, but I'm not sure what to say, and I'm not sure what to say, and I'm not sure what to say. The child refused to do so. I finally told her, "If you don't put on some clothes, we won't be able to leave the house. The child was so stubborn that she rolled on the floor. I got angry and ignored her. I'm not sure how much I'm going to be able to get out of here, but I'm sure I'll be able to get out of here," he said.

This is the kind of situation where a child's tantrums are common in almost every family. However, a lot of the child's crying can actually be avoided. Then the mother's question above, we envision two contrasting situations:

The first situation, the mother holding the clothes to the child said, "We put on one more piece of clothing, outside the cold!" The child in the rebellious stage will be in this situation, "I don't want to wear clothes!"

In the second scenario, the mom says, "Honey, put on your clothes and we're ready to go!" The child often responds with a quick, "Yes!"

Why is there such a big difference between the two scenarios? The reason is in the different communication techniques used.

The child's mind is irreversible

Initially, the child's mind is very simple, and then when he gets older, there is a tendency for it to become more complex, but his mind is still irreversible. The so-called irreversible, for example, you ask the child "your sister is who", he can answer out. If you ask him, "Who is your sister's brother?", he will not be able to work backwards. That's why the previous example is so amazingly contrarian.

In the first scenario, the mom is using her own mind to express that she needs to wear more clothes to go out because it's cold. But the child's mind doesn't work backwards: oh, you have to wear more clothes because it's cold outside. Instead, in the second scenario, mom says, get dressed and we'll go out. So, automatically, the child is sorting this out from front to back, and thinks that's what's happening.

So, by using the phrase "a ...... on" more often, parents can guide their children to understand the logical sequence of events, and they will be more likely to understand and listen.

Use less complex cause-and-effect reasoning, and avoid "if, then", because these sentences are either incomprehensible to the child, or the child feels threatened, which does not make for good communication.

Especially don't use "if you don't, I won't". For example, many mothers love to say: "If you do not listen, I will not take you out to play and so on", "If you do not put the meal to eat, I will not give you a snack". This kind of sentence, without providing more choices to the child, can easily cause miscommunication between parent and child, and always negatively spoken, like a threat to the child, but will cause the child to want to challenge the rules set by the mother even more.

Our children live in a black-or-white world

When children are young, they judge everything in black-or-white terms. This way of thinking continues until the child reaches puberty. A friend of mine has a son in second grade. He told me this interesting story:

He took his son to a movie, and he pointed to the main character and asked, "Is this a good guy or a bad guy? But the characters in the movie are not so clearly differentiated between good and bad. So this friend of mine told his son that this person can't be said to be good or bad. His son was obviously not satisfied with this answer. Not much later, his son started asking again: now, is he a good guy or a bad guy?

This father came back to his senses. So, in a different way, he simply told his son: he is a good man. His son then breathed a sigh of relief and satisfaction. For children, it is totally incomprehensible to them that there can be things in this world that are both good and bad, neither good nor bad. Either good or bad; black or white, that is the logic of children.

After the development of the child's language skills, we will also find that the child likes to use "always", "never", "never" and other very extreme and decisive words.

This is because they are used to thinking in one-liners at this point in their lives.

For this reason, it's never a good idea to be vague with your child. If you tell your child, "I don't know," "It's all good," "You can do a little bit of this and a little bit of that," and so on, your child is not going to get it. So, if you can say something to your child in black and white, say it in black and white. If you can't, don't say it. This will help the child to establish a clear sense of right and wrong.

Children in the rebellious period especially do not like to listen to nonsense

1-3 years old, both for parents and children is a difficult. At this time, the child is in the rebellious stage. The rebellious period does not mean that the child is just fooling around. Children have children's persistence. It is only when they realize that they cannot get their parents' attention that they become more stubborn.

Before the age of 1, the child has no language ability, parents can instead say more, but also reasoning, the tone of warmth and calm, the child instead of being able to listen to understand, feel the parents in the conveyance of what. But when it comes to 1-3 year olds, parents need to pay attention to what they say, and they need to be clear and concise.

As little as possible: "Let's go out now, okay?" At this time, parents speak the principle: less say no, more say can choose things, do not talk nonsense with the child. For example, do not repeatedly and verbosely say: "You can not put shoes here and there", "You do not put shoes on the bed!" The appropriate thing to say is, "You can put your shoes by the bed or on the shoe rack."

Second, moralize less. The moral standards of the adult world do not apply to children in this period, and children making mistakes at this time do not rise to the moral level. If the parents take the adult standard to ask the child, will inevitably lead to another war between parents and children.

Where to focus on the child's emotions first, because all the child's emotions are reasonable, the child is relying on the subtle sensations of the skin and mind to recognize the world. They live in dreams and do not follow common sense. But in any case, this is a step in the child's developmental journey that cannot be crossed. At this point, all of the child's feelings and emotions, no matter how outrageous or unbelievable, are reasonable and legitimate and should be respected. Parents must accept such children, not ridicule, indifference or rude block.

Of course, while children are not responsible for their feelings and emotions, they are responsible for their behavior. So if a child engages in disruptive behavior, parents must step in and, through rule-setting and proper guidance, help the child vent his or her bad feelings in other ways.

Research data suggests that except for a small percentage of children (roughly 10%) who are more difficult to raise because of their natural temperament type, 40% of children are actually easy to raise, with the remainder in the middle. More often than not, it is the parents themselves who are bad-tempered and lacking in methods, but still in turn feel that their children fall short of their expectations and are not the children they want. The first thing you need to do is not to accept your own child, and simply close your ears to your child, so you can't even talk about good communication.

Whether to listen or not, it is the child's own business first, before making rules, let the child know

After 3 years of age, the child began to **** feelings, can understand that other people's ideas and my may not be the same, which gives them a reason to go to the people to communicate. Moreover, after the age of 3, children can understand the words of adults and have the ability to express their inner thoughts, so parents must respect their children's ideas and take care of their first attempts at socialization.

We often see a scene where a parent takes a child to the mall, the child starts to buy this and that, and then the parent and the child have a battle of wills. In the end, the parent wins, and the child is labeled as "unreasonable".

This can be avoided. Parents can go to the mall before, and the child agreed: today you can buy a thing, we agreed, only buy a thing. If you don't say so in advance, the child may not realize that the parent's idea is just to take me for a walk and not to buy me anything. On the contrary, the child's heart is full of anticipation. In the end, the parents think that the child is nonsense, not good, disobedient. What adults don't think about is that perhaps the child will also feel that the parents are not good at communicating and talking to each other.

In addition, the child does not listen to the time, parents have to choose the right time and opportunity to communicate with the child. Don't look at the child is small, one year old children have a variety of emotions; more than a year old children already know "grudges"; two or three years old children began to "lie", and even have a strong sense of self-esteem. So, to treat the child as a human being to look at, the premise of communication, must be respect.

Based on assumptions, personality psychologists believe that not all children are self-centered. They try to find which particular type of family upbringing is most likely to produce self-centered millennials. The theory is that overly caring child-rearing styles are usually harmful, as extremely sensitive parents may raise children who believe they deserve everything. For example, in a 2014 paper published by Wabash College psychologists Robert Horton and Tanner Trickey, the majority of research showed a relationship between the way participants were raised by their parents and the personalities they now develop. Horton and Trickey found that the more controlling parents were, the more narcissistic the children they raised. However, memories of excessive parental expectations and support did not predict a child's current level of narcissism.

The present study, like others, validated the relationship with nurturing styles from the child's perspective. This is because all the nurture style scores derived were based on recall, not observation. It is difficult to discern from this study any causal difference between this and a large body of literature. No one has noticed how common parental narcissism actually is.

When you think about it, as far as children are concerned, it's reasonable to believe that parents are believed to be narcissistic to some degree. By definition, your child is an extension of you. Even if you believe this is due to nature and not due to the later formation of your upbringing. You've invested a great deal in your child, so the next step is how your child reflects them in their life.

In life, from the moment your child is born, your child is considered to be a reflection of your abilities, a mapping of your values, and even attractiveness including physical appearance. It is for this reason that parents will spend so much effort on an infant as possible, making the child fashionable by buying clothes, shoes and if possible some jewelry. Does it matter whether a baby is wearing a designer onesie or not for the child's health?

From a young age, when it comes to the psychological aspect, parents invest a lot in different ways. From their performance on the soccer field, to their abilities, to gaining admission to a prestigious school, children are constantly reminded of how much their parents are trying to raise them. Even on less important occasions, parents know they are being compared to each other, through their children's behaviors and traits. There have been few times when you've looked harshly at a parent who has brought up their child in a mess while checking out at the grocery store. You wonder why they can't discipline their children properly. And only some backward-looking parent would ignore your scornful face.

To be sure, not all parents are equally narcissistic or, at least, psychologically incapable of separating them from their children. An impressive experiment was conducted by the psychologist Jennifer McCabe of the University of Iowa, who counted a large number of statistics about the relationship between thousands of parents and the children they raised: in the character of the mother and the permissive way of upbringing. Mothers with "internalizing" traits (depression or anxiety) were less likely to exhibit permissive parenting, independent of their personality traits. In the literature, McCabe defines permissive parenting in this way: parents who practise permissive parenting are able to set some boundaries, but express their concern as much as possible. Mothers with permissive parenting styles have the highest level of agreeable personality traits.

Changes in the mother's personality (and in most fathers' personalities) may affect the specific way she raises her children. Well-educated, non-pathological, easy-going mothers are the most tolerant of their children as they grow and mature, and perhaps they are the most qualified to say that they love their children no matter what happens, while also giving them the structure to go along with it as they continue to grow and become more capable.

I would hazard a guess that even the most stable, easy-going, harmonious parents have a strong interest in their children. Indeed, it is quite possible that strong parents impose their own vanity on their children, parents who believe that their children should work as hard as they do, have to take care of themselves, and should not get special treatment.

It is also possible that the guilt of being an over-caregiver has forced some parents to behave contrary to their former will to help their children no matter what they do, and that the more we educate parents who are afraid of becoming over-caregivers, the more we influence their nature to give their children the best they have, both emotionally and physically.

In general, I am not particularly concerned with evolutionary psychology, but I do think that parents need to bet a certain amount of vanity on their children in order to give them a sense of survival. If we're worrying about the way our children are behaving, then we should be vigilant about our own behavior as well, and need to be even more so. We are doing what we can to ensure the continuation of our species. That means that we need to spend more than we can afford on these offspring, but it is only to ensure their fulfillment, not our own.

Honestly, assisting children to discover their own `interests and strengths, and encouraging them to explore and deepen in their favorite areas should be something parents should do from the moment their children are born, but what Chinese parents usually do is not to make their babies special, but to become like everyone else. If other people's kids are learning English, we have to learn it too; if other people's kids are taking piano lessons, we can't lag behind. By being like everyone else, they will feel more secure, because China has always encouraged everyone to be mediocre, to fit in, to be consistent, to be uniform.

An American in charge of study-abroad consulting specializes in hand-holding Chinese students to teach them how to apply to Ivy League schools, a hundred times over. He said, "Harvard receives tens of thousands of student applications each year, but only a very small number can be admitted, and those who are chosen are often not the ones with the best grades, but the most special ones." He does study-abroad counseling for Chinese students, charging upwards of 100,000 yuan a year, mainly to assist each child in finding his own uniqueness and building his own brand. For example, if a child is concerned about charity, he or she can find creative ways to be charitable and grow into a "teenage philanthropist"; if a child likes to write, he or she can be encouraged to start a magazine for secondary school students and invite students from all schools to contribute. If you want to stand out from the thousands of applications, you have to make yourself unique," he says. First determine what you like, then focus on this thing, no matter how insignificant it is, and play your specialty in this field to show your unique self and promote the growth of your mental health."

I've judged a couple of baby contests, and I can honestly say that most of the kids' performances at the audition stage were ugly and boring. Hundreds of children either memorized Tang poems, and all of them were "the light of the moon before the bed"; or walked the modeling steps, gestures and expressions are exactly the same; or told stories, shaking their heads with the same amplitude.

In fact, every child has his or her own interests and specialties, but the parents' understanding of interests in home education is very narrow, for them, in addition to painting, music, dancing and other mainstream hobbies, the other is nonsense - the child has a variety of possibilities, all of which are killed.

There are two children, as a child, are interested in insects, both like "Faber Insects", every day to go to the neighborhood yard to play. Lie on the ground to observe the ants, in the grass to catch grasshoppers, but also to bring home the caterpillars to study - one of the children were reprimanded by their parents, and every day can only be at home to recognize the word, learn arithmetic, play the violin, a few years later, the smooth growth of a dull-eyed boring children. The other child has the full support of his mom and dad, who accompany him to various insect museums, collect butterfly specimens, and shoot DVs of spiders. Now this child has formed an insect interest group in his class, and regularly publishes an insect handbook every month, with his own responsibility for photographs, text, and typesetting, and it is rumored that the whole family is planning to go to Taiwan's Butterfly Valley to do a detailed investigation this summer.

In filling out the college entrance examination, many students came to me and asked, "What specialty should I apply for?" I said, "First consider what you like." Most of them answered that they don't know what they are interested in, and they don't know what they are good at - the child has no interest and no specialties, and the parents are responsible for that, in the university education because they missed all kinds of sensitive periods when the child was young, and they didn't take the trouble to discover the unique part of the child's nature, and they didn't assist the child in magnifying his own Specialties, turn the child from special to mediocre, parents only need to have a few characteristics such as blindness, followers, laziness and so on.

There is a saying that people are born original and slowly live as pirates - and we, as parents, often become pirate producers by accident.

In today's society, the most important thing to change is the parents, the parents' concept of education. So what should be the right kind of home education? Child educators point out that parents should help their children to build a good platform for life, so that the child has a good personality training, know how to be a man, know the true meaning of success.

As a modern parent, do you know how to educate a modern child? Many parents believe that family education is the development of the child's intelligence, that is, let the child from the age of two or three years old to memorize Tang poetry, four or five years old to learn English, after school to hire tutors, tutorials, grades must be at the top of the list, and in the future must go to a famous university. It seems that only in this way can parental education be considered a success and children be considered successful. Practice has shown that this is a great misunderstanding of family education, and is the adverse consequences of education for higher education in family education. The most important task of family education should be to build the Great Wall of the child's personality and mental health development.

Imagine, if a child lacks the knowledge of life (a frustration to produce light thoughts), no ability to dream (they do not know what they want to do in the future), do not know how to protect themselves (after a doctoral degree is still being abducted by peasants), and can not be with other people to **** enjoy (the waist of a lot of money, but not happy), then even if this child is the first in all the homework, so what can be done?

Today, the most important thing to change is the parents, is the parents' concept of education. So, what should be the correct home education is that parents should help their children to build a good platform for life, so that the child has a good character cultivation, know how to be a man, know the true meaning of success.

Only when the parents' concept of education is transformed can our children receive good family education and benefit from it throughout their lives.

The first key: how to let the child set up an optimistic mindset

1, accept the reality is the first step towards optimism

2, cultivate an optimistic character, so that the child to face the misfortune of life frankly

3, so that the child to maintain a normal heart