Classic funny jokes

Classic funny jokes. In life, when many people are bored or in a bad mood, they will read some funny jokes to relax themselves, and There are a lot of funny jokes. Below is a list of classic funny jokes that I have compiled for you! Classic and funny jokes 1

1. 25 to 45 years old. Some people born in the 90s and 95s are able to receive and absorb information faster than those born in the 80s, so they have gradually become one of our main viewers.

2. Some famous foreign talk shows mainly focus on guest interviews, but it is difficult to do so in China. Therefore, our interaction with the guests is more like a sketch. Both parties agree on each other's demands and we write the script. Among the guests participating in the show, foreign big names are particularly willing to cooperate, such as Leon? Richie, Adam? Lambert: Hong Kong and Taiwan artists also have a relatively high degree of cooperation, such as Taiwanese hosts AKEN, Fang Datong, and Lu Guangzhong. Mainland artists are less cooperative, but Shang Wenjie is quite good.

3. No matter who you have hurt or been hurt by, we should try our best to tolerate others. When you hurt others, you have the obligation to say "I'm sorry" to the other person and treat the other person as When I tolerate you, you must also say "it doesn't matter." Of course, not everyone in this world lives so openly, and not every "I'm sorry" can be exchanged for "It's okay", but every time I say "your uncle", I can definitely get a "you~~ uncle" in return. "!

4. An immature man and an immature woman are destined to be a farce; an immature woman and a mature man may be a drama; a mature woman and a A mature man is a comedy; an immature man and a mature woman... that's what it means to be with a rich woman!

5. In fact, ordinary people have no requirements. They just want to live the same life as employees of state-owned enterprises. If I were living in a ravine, I would not be unjust if I endured it for the rest of my life. If you say that I am living in Beijing as if I were living in a village, then would I be unjust? I am a native of the Second Ring Road, a pure Beijinger. Now I live in Huilongguan. I drive home every day and sing "The Bell and Drum Tower": "My home is inside the Sixth Ring Road."

< p> 6. What’s the use of driving a Maserati? What's the use of driving a Lamborghini? It’s time to soak it for you. I'm not a person who hates the rich, but I don't like good cars when I see them... Is it forbidden to pick up that car? Sometimes I see a Maserati with matte paint on the street. Good guy, it stops next to me and waits at the red light. I think to myself, don’t you have to stop too? The girl in the car was quite pretty, so I said to her: ‘Hey-hey-hey! ’ ‘You are sick! What are you doing? ’ the girl replied. 'The back door is not closed properly...' Pretending to remind people. ‘We have a two-door car! ’ Then he said, ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, is this car expensive? How much does it cost? ''You can't afford it anyway! ’ ‘Why can’t I afford it! I'm just asking you how much you paid for it? ''Everyone donated it! ’

7. Children watching cartoons will not delay their studies, and it is really not that big of a deal if they delay their studies. Just let him learn while playing and spend his childhood more easily. One day he will know that you can't go anywhere through any door, there are no bamboo dragonflies in the world, there will be no Saint Seiyas and Athena. All the innocence in this world can only be found in those few years, and these few years are very short.

8. The recently popular saying "To be rich means to be willful" is simply nonsense. Think about it, we were very willful when we were children. We were all very poor, and we were still very poor. Ever since I got to know money when I grew up, I am no longer willful because I only care about money.

9. My nose is stuffy and I can’t hear clearly.

10. The three common people will always live in the hearts of the three common people.

11. I have always said that jokes are a loser’s game. Who would listen to the joke when there are beautiful women watching? Who can tell jokes when there are beautiful women watching?

12. Earn money from selling cabbage, but only care about selling white powder.

13. The dog that I walked downstairs for more than half an hour just now weighed myself when I got home and found that my dog ??had gained one and a half pounds.

14. At Caishikou in Beijing, a group of prisoners who were about to be executed were kneeling. "It's three quarters past noon. Execution!" As soon as he finished speaking, the masked executioner stepped forward and pulled off the prisoner's mask. . . . . . .

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15. I finally understood Tagore’s artistic conception. "The farthest distance in the world is not the distance between life and death, but when I hold your hand on the streets of Beijing but can't see you."

16. How many days passed by 20 million people in Beijing Breathing in at night, the air quality in Beijing has finally improved. The new Beijing spirit was born from this: "Good virtue carries the fog, self-improvement does not absorb the fog, work hard to create gray and yellow again!" Facts have once again proved: it is expensive to absorb the fog! …

17. It’s not that I have a dark mind, I just feel that this air pollution is caused by those mask manufacturers.

18. The scenery of the imperial capital is covered in dust and dust. Looking inside and outside the ancient city, there is a thick fog. Up and down the tall buildings, the haze billowed. Cars and dancing snakes, all kinds of chimneys, and the desire to compete with the poisonous gas. On weekends, my mouth and nose are tightly wrapped, and I lie down at home begging for mercy. The air is so bad that countless citizens are afraid to come. Cherish the Mist City Shenwu, I have stepped on it long ago; the reputation of Gray City is no longer coquettish. A genius of a generation, the pants on CCTV show only the trouser legs but not the waist. As we go, we will count the tragic characters and look at the celestial dynasty. @老 Xushi Commentary

19. A few additional points: We must fully understand the complexity and uncertainty of pollution control, be wary of external forces using pollution to engage in subversive activities, and pay attention to the so-called public opinion leaders who use the topic to use appropriate pollution. In fact, it is reasonable and inevitable. People have to adapt to pollution but cannot oppose it. @谢文

20. Beijing drifters, it turns out that breathing is painful. You are the real warriors of this era. You are risking your lives and youth on tomorrow just for a Beijing household registration!

21. This is a day that you have to survive no matter what. The food is poisonous. How can we be a fish and not eat but drink water? Later, the water also became poisonous. How could we be like a turtle with no food or drink and just gasp for air? Finally, the air is also poisonous. In order to survive, we no longer regard ourselves as human beings.

22. Xu Qiang’s girlfriend has the figure of Little Red Riding Hood because her grandmother was eaten by a wolf...

23. As long as you are willing to use skills and take the mixture, there is no such thing as a saint who cannot be killed. knight.

24. In the past, 040 (Lin Chiling) was a drummer, but this year it was changed to a Pingxi opera.

25. An immature man and an immature woman are destined to be a farce; an immature woman and a mature man may be a drama; a mature woman and a A mature man is a comedy; an immature man and a mature woman... that's what it means to be with a rich woman!

26. There is a split-disc version of the cross talk and a gun version. Ours is the gun version because we have laughter.

27. Nowadays, girls in their twenties are marrying men in their forties or fifties, so what should we do? We should wait until we are in our forties or fifties before marrying someone in their twenties.

28. "Dad, what's wrong with my boyfriend? Although he doesn't have a car or a house now, he has a progressive heart. As for appearance, height, etc., they are all external, I don't care , I hope you..." "Son, stop talking and continue eating.

29. One day, someone met three big men who wanted to beat him, so he started fighting with those three. "Come back." Later, he would brag: "I let them fight for two hours and they didn't knock me down." Others asked what happened? He said: "I tied him to a tree and beat him."

30. "I always feel that when I watch TV series, movies and anime, my tear level is very low and I can shed tears easily. But if the same thing happened in reality, I don’t feel that much and even treat it indifferently. What’s wrong with me...” God replied: There is no background music in real life.

31. When a train passed through the countryside, it was unbearably slow and stopped endlessly. When the train stopped at a small station, a passenger jumped off. The train said to the conductor: Can't you go faster? Conductor: Of course, but I can't leave the train.

32. I just shook WeChat and a buddy added me as a friend. I was shocked and thought he was gay. Then I asked him what was wrong. He said: I can’t even shake a girl. It has shaken you. If you are added, it will not shake you again.

33. I saw a very cute child while shopping. Then I looked at my husband and sighed.

She said to her husband: If I have a child who looks like you in the future, it will be over! My husband was stunned for a moment and glared at me fiercely: If you don’t look like me, you’re doomed! ! !

34. My best friend is a fan of Korean dramas, and her husband is a fan. One night there was a ball game and they got into a fight over the TV remote control. She came to me crying in anger, and I asked her: "Who owned the TV remote control in the end?" She cried and said: "Lao Wang." I wondered: "Who is this Lao Wang? Why haven't I heard of it? She cried louder: "A TV repairman..."

35. For me who is overweight, moderate exercise is still effective. The most obvious thing is that I can eat one or two more bowls after every exercise.

36. If one day I change my Weibo to my real name, change my photo to my own, change my signature to be positive, and delete all the previous words, it probably means that I want to start a new life or I Mom paid attention to me.

37. After all, I couldn't outrun that BMW, and I could only watch it fly away in the sunset. It wasn't that my engine was bad, but that my car chain fell off.

38. Son: "Mom, how did I get here?" Mom: "Your father planted a seed in my belly, and then you were born." The son turned and left. After a while, he took the He picked a gourd seed and said: "Mom, eat it and give me a gourd baby."

39. The African black girl traveled to Shanghai and stayed in a hotel. Fire broke out in the middle of the night. The African woman ran out quickly. A firefighter was surprised when he saw it and said: My mother, she was burnt and she ran so fast

40. I was walking on the street with my wife, and I held a piece of paper in my hand that was crumpled into a ball. After walking for a while, I finally saw a trash can. I ran over and wanted to throw it away. Unexpectedly, my wife grabbed me from behind and said: Husband, you must not be able to eat that, so don’t pick it up. I was stunned and found half a watermelon on the top lid of the trash can.

41. Take the bus to play with your son. After getting in the car, my son and I sat behind a girl wearing a halter top. Seen from the back, this girl's skin is so fair and tender. Suddenly, the son patted the girl and said to the girl: Auntie, you are so beautiful! The girl smiled sweetly and said to my son: My kid, your mother is the most beautiful! The son shook his head and said: Impossible, my father has never stared at my mother for such a long time.

42. I couldn’t sleep in the middle of the night, so I got up and walked to the living room to smoke a cigarette. I found a cockroach, so I chatted with it for a long time, sharing my views on life, my dissatisfaction with my boss, and my life. I vented all my pressure to it. After I finished smoking, I stepped on it hard and killed it. There was nothing I could do, it knew too much. Classic and funny jokes 2

1. When I first started using QQ, I didn’t quite understand it. During a chat, a netizen asked me: How to upgrade QQ software? I don’t know how to pretend to understand. Answer: You uninstall this old one first, and then I’ll tell you how to do it! So, half a minute later, the netizen's avatar turned gray. From then on, this person disappeared...

2. I was very brave when I was a child. Once in the kindergarten, the doctor vaccinated us, and the teacher taught us earnestly: "Which child is brave? Let us "Look where is the bravest child, the first one to come to the doctor?" After asking for a long time, no one paid attention to her, everyone shrank back, and then only I strode to the doctor. The teacher happily said: "XXX is still the bravest..." After I finished speaking, I grabbed all the needles and syringes on the table and threw them out of the window. (This is what my father told me when I grew up)

3. Everyone likes to wear gloves when taking the bus in winter, so that when holding the cold armrest, there will be no bone-breaking pain. But I don’t have this habit and never wear gloves. Once when I was taking the bus, two domineering middle-aged women came up to the bus station. They chatted loudly as if no one was around. I listened to one of them: "It’s almost the Spring Festival, and thieves are special." "You should pay more attention to thieves when riding in the car." Another said: "No, I tell you that most thieves don't wear gloves no matter how cold it is, just for the convenience of work..." After hearing this, I saw that I was the only one in the car. No gloves.

4. We were interning in the Fifth Hospital. Once, seven brothers went out for dinner and had a quarrel with three gangsters, which turned into a fight. We beat the three gangsters into inhuman shapes. Later, they were sent to the 5th hospital. After we got the news, we immediately put on our white coats and rushed over.

When the three of them saw that the doctor standing in front of them turned out to be the person who had just beaten them, the expressions of despair on their faces... were truly unforgettable!

5. In a jewelry store, I wanted to buy a silver bracelet, the one in the shape of a large ring. When I saw one I was satisfied with, the clerk showed it to me. When asked if I should buy it myself or give it away, I would just say buy it myself. Then he asked me if I wanted to try it, and I compared it on my wrist. I said there was no need to try it, I would just compare it with it. The store clerk once again asked me whether I should buy it myself or give it away. If I wanted to buy it myself, I would give it a try! I said buy it myself! Then give it a try! So I started to put the bracelet on my hand, and the store clerk looked at me in surprise (I didn't see this, because I tried harder to put the bracelet on my hand). After dozens of seconds, the clerk finally understood and said, Miss, these are earrings.

6. In a mathematics class in junior high school, the teacher was teaching a classic geometry proof problem. When he got to the exciting point, the teacher pointed at the blackboard with his pointer and said in a deep male voice: The alto said: "Please pay attention!" Suddenly, a sweet female voice outside said: "Reverse!" Everyone was shocked! It turned out that there was a truck reversing outside the window, and it automatically played "Please note, reverse!" The whole class burst into laughter.

7. One time I took a car from the market. It was a small bus. There were many people, so I just held on to a vertical pole (the metal one). There were so many people and the car kept shaking. I suddenly found that the pole I was holding on was also shaking with the car. I thought, this car is shaking so hard that the pole can even shake with it. After passing a stop like this, many people got off the bus, and I realized that what I had been holding on to was a mop with a metal pole. A woman was holding a mop in one hand and a child in the other, staring at me.

8. At noon, we ate at a martial arts-style restaurant. The taste there was average and the price was relatively cheap. The characteristic was that everything there had a martial arts style. Call customers guest officers and call waiters waiters. The names of the dishes are also in the style of martial arts, the braised pig's trotters are called the Eighteen Palms of the Dragon, and the mutton pot is called the Nine Yang Divine Art. While eating Nine Sun Magic Skills at lunch, a little kid was running around on the table. He got angry and called the waiter over. When he saw it, the waiter shouted: There is an assassin!

9. Once, I was walking on the street and suddenly received a call from a friend, so I chatted with him while walking. After passing by a few people, I subconsciously reached for my trouser bag and found that my phone was missing. I couldn't touch it anywhere on my body (how could it be possible, sweat~), I was so anxious that I was sweating all over, so I shouted to my friend: Oh no! My phone is missing! Dizzy.

10. Once, I wanted to contact a classmate because I had something to do, but his number was not saved in my phone, so I sent a text message to another classmate who was very familiar with him, "Do you have XXX's phone number?" "Then I waited patiently for a reply. Five minutes later, I finally received a reply. I couldn't wait to open the text message, and it read, "Yes" in two big characters. In desperation, I could only send another text message to this big brother, "Well, please tell me?" After waiting for another five minutes, I received a reply. I couldn't wait to open it again and read it, and there were two other words written on it. :"OK"!

11. I am a freshman in medical school and I am very nervous during anatomy class, especially when my classmates brag about how their parents are top surgeons or have relevant experience. After two hours of practical operation, the teacher especially praised my good operation ability and asked me if I had a family background? I replied sheepishly: "Yes, my grandfather was a pig butcher."

12. In class, the teacher asked questions during the lecture, and no one responded, so the teacher said: Can you give me some reaction? I'm singing a one-man show above, what are you doing below? One classmate blurted out: "Watch a show."

13. The woman in the dormitory, with her strong ass, couldn’t find her mobile phone. She asked me to vibrate the mobile phone. As a result, she couldn’t get through, and she couldn’t get through temporarily... more Powerful ass? The signal can’t even get in...

14. Yesterday I dreamed of the end of the world. Aliens invade the earth. We hid behind a tank. Still found. My husband is trying to protect me. Shot several times. Drenched with blood. Blood dripping on the body. Bitingly cold. I thought silently. oh my hero. I will treat you well in the future. Wake up. I found out that the reason for the cold was that this guy had taken away the quilt. Second Austrian. Instantly disillusioned.

15. Yesterday, the girls in the dormitory were discussing the end of the world on the 21st in the dormitory... One girl said: "I don't believe that the world will perish. How come humans are so powerful that they will disappear if they don't." At the beginning, everyone was discussing. While talking, a faint voice suddenly came out: "The dinosaurs thought the same way back then..." The dormitory was silent for an instant.

16. In class on Monday, the teacher takes roll. "Zhang San?" "Arrived." "Li Si?" "Arrived." "Wang Wu?" "Arrived..." Obviously, these three voices came from the same person. Suddenly, the atmosphere in the classroom froze to freezing point. The teacher's face was ashen, and he rushed to the window sill with a quick step: "Uncle Wang, can you give instructions to reverse the car later?"

17. I quit my job and went home and changed my local number. It has been two months. This number is really a scam. Strangers called me to call me brothers and asked me to kill people. The boss said that I had forgotten my brother because I got rich, and asked me to send the lady there. The one who asked me to send fans was a big brother who used to use this number. How rich your life experience is!

18. Yesterday, my mother called me. The first sentence she asked was whether the end of the world was real. So what if I said it was real? She said, then come back quickly and put the pigs first. Kill and eat before we talk...

19. In class, the teacher said: "There is no word 'failure' in my life dictionary!" Just after he finished speaking, a dictionary came from underneath. The new classmate said: "Teacher, I will lend you mine!"

20. My mother is the head of the family, and my father is poorer than me. I called the handsome guy today, and he happily said to me: "Son , I saved a hundred yuan and checked in for you in a hurry." I burst into tears instantly.

21. Yesterday afternoon in the library, a boy’s cell phone rang. In order not to disturb everyone, he rushed out at a speed of 80 miles. However, the ringing of the cell phone did not stop, and the guy ran quickly again. When I came back, I said, I forgot to bring my mobile phone. Bang the table instantly!

22. In front of the meat stall, Cheng Guan took 2 kilograms of meat and handed over 100 yuan. The butcher said: I can’t find it. I’ll give it to you next time. In front of the vegetable stall, Cheng Guan took two bags of vegetables and handed it over. After over 100 yuan, the vegetable vendor said: I can't find it, I'll give it to you next time. In front of the fruit stall, Chengguan took a watermelon and handed it over 100 yuan, and got 85 yuan back. Later, people never saw the fruit seller again...

23. Someone saw a note on the ground, which said: "Dig 5 meters underground and you will find treasure." So. , he dug a pit 5 meters deep. As a result, he found another note that read: "If you dig another 10 meters, you will find a treasure." So, he dug another 10 meters. Finally, he found another note, which said: "I'm kidding you, you can find a way to climb up now."

24. On the bus, a pair of twins came up, wearing They were wearing the same clothes. When his four-year-old son saw it, he asked quietly: "Are you going to look at them again or look for differences?" The whole car laughed, and his father's face turned dark.

25. I was walking on the street with a friend. Suddenly, a girl with long curly hair in front of me started to dance with her teeth and claws, shaking her head and shaking her hair and swearing. It felt like a ghost. My brother pushed me and told me to go quickly, go quickly! ! Thinking that he was afraid of touching porcelain, he quickly followed and left quickly. After walking far away, he panted and said...I...just...flicked the cigarette butt...flicked far...flicked...it hit her head...

26. My dear, I have always wanted to worship Sun Wukong as my teacher, and be with him. Learn how to cast down monsters, so that I can protect you on Halloween, and let all the monsters and ghosts come to you!

27. Your gentle face is as delicate as spring, as passionate as summer, as gorgeous as autumn, and as delicate as winter. When I saw you, you were like an ancient shadow in my heart, so I fell in love with you without hesitation!

28. I want you to be the first thing I see when I wake up every day. I want to be able to hold your hand when I go out and go home every day. I want you to be there every moment in my life. your figure.

29. I like you, so I don’t want to give up easily. I like you, so I am willing to give up. In my memories, you are so beautiful. In my heart, I will keep you in mind. I like you, I don’t expect it to continue, as long as I can see you every day, even if it’s your back. Looking at you, far away in the sky, my heart sinks to the bottom of the sea. I don’t know when you will remember that I have been waiting for you where you are. I don’t know when you can look back and see the me who likes you.

30. In this happy world, there is a happy me. I use my happy time to send text messages to you, the happy you.

I am very happy to tell you, an even happier thing, I love you "joyfully", just like "the gray wolf loves the red wolf"!

31. I want you to know that there is someone in this world who will always be waiting for you. No matter when, no matter where you are, you know there will always be such a person.

32. I hope that even if I act arrogant and unreasonable, I will still be the best baby in your eyes. I wish you could always be with me, no matter whether you are rich or poor, no matter your status or age, as long as the person around me is always you.

33. How does it feel to like you? Sometimes I feel so wronged that I have to cry for a long time, and sometimes I am so happy because of you. It is too difficult to like you.

34. You are a deep cave, a treasure that needs to be constantly explored, a distant galaxy, a water that can never be touched. The moon is the summary of all the tenderness in this world.

35. If one day I have to leave this world, I hope that my final destination will be in your arms, so that even if I drink the bowl of Meng Po soup next to the Naihe Bridge, I will be able to rely on it in the next life. I find you with the memory of you in my arms.

36. I hope: we can go on for a long time. There won’t be any quarrels or too many differences. If there are problems, discuss them and solve them. Don’t hide them. We will be together for the rest of our lives.

37. I want you to know that in this world, there is always someone who will always be waiting for you. No matter when, no matter where, there will always be such a person.

38. If I have you in my dreams, it will become extremely sweet; if I have you in my heart, it will become extremely fulfilling; if you are by my side, I will become extremely happy.

39. If love can be paid in advance, then I am willing to dedicate all my love in the next life to you; if love can be reserved, then I am willing to finalize the love in the next life. The world is changing, everything can change, but what remains unchanged is my deep attachment to you!

40. The paper will wrinkle, but the affection written down will remain the same; the years will slip away, and you will always be the source of my happiness; it seems that my left and right hearts are in love with each other, and my true feelings will flow for you; you are The longing of my life, I will hold my hand and never look back!

41. I look at you silently, like an anemic star, unable to see the footprints when you came; my mood at the moment is like that coin, half storm and half flower; think too much : I will exchange my life for your beauty.