Traffic police: "A BMW is coming at a speed of 280 yards, followed by a Mercedes-Benz. Wait, it's better to be followed by a tractor with a left lane change light. He wants to overtake! "
Psychologist: "It's a cuckold again. It seems that your greening is good! " "
Bus master: "Hey, either coin in, swipe your card or get off. What are you looking at?" Really ~
You can't even afford to take a bus, and you dare to pretend to be the matrix. "
Radio host: "A listener just called his girlfriend and said-I'm sorry, I lost your mother on my trip to Antarctica last year. I hope you can forgive me. " And ordered a song "You're Back" by Sun Nan for her. "
Zi Qiao: "My melancholy history began at the age of eight: at that time, the sky was still blue, the water was still green, chickens and ducks had no bird flu, and pork was safe to eat." At that time, you had to wear clothes to take pictures and pay your debts. My mother-in-law's daughter doesn't want your house, and the child's father knows it very well. "
Zhan Bo: "Sister, if someone hurts you deeply, how can you forgive him?"
Yifei: "Oh, it is God's business to forgive him. My task is to send him to see God! " "
Zhan Bo: "I want a treasure map. You give me a map, huh?" Is this still a map of the world? "
Uncle policeman: "Who called 1 10?" Guangu: "I ordered takeout."
Zi Qiao: "Let's split it 50/50."
Meijia: "Wait a minute, let's talk about it first. Who is five?"
Zhanbo: "I want a popcorn with rape."
Wan Yu: "Hello, give me five portions of rape popcorn."
Yifei: "Two prodigies, they are so powerful."
Zhan Bo: "Oh, when did it change its name?"
Children collecting money for animal protection: "It's freezing rain in Antarctica, and polar bears are freezing to death."
Guan Gu: "Wait a minute, what happened to the polar bear because of the freezing rain in Antarctica?"
Child: "(satirizing Guan Gu's ignorance) You are not from Altman's hometown, are you?"
Guan Gu: "I'm from Altman's hometown ~"
Child: "You should be my child."
Psychologist: "What was the scariest dream you ever had?"
Zi Qiao: "That was when I was in high school. One day I dreamed that I was taking an exam. Later, I was awakened, and something even more terrible happened. It turns out that I am really taking an exam! "
Yifei said to Zhanbo, "Your mother must have thrown away people and lifted the placenta when she gave birth to you."
Zhan Bo: "Sister, didn't you say that the early bird gets the worm?"
Yifei: "I found that I was wrong. The early worm was eaten by the bird. "
Yi Fei: "Ceng Laoshi, what's so unhappy? Say it to make everyone happy. "
Yifei: "How easy it is to have children!"
Zi Qiao: "Yes, children always ask why my mother's man is not my father."
Yifei: "She may need to keep a spare tire."
Zi Qiao: "This date was originally to find a spare tire. Now she has found Guan Gu. Then I am not a spare tire for the spare tire. "
Yifei: "Well, the second child for short."
Zhan Bo: "If there is a monster, then there is Altman."
Guangu: "How do I know? I have never caught a wild Altman. "
Zi Qiao: "Your eyes are clear and moving, your hands are gentle and delicate, and your heart is crystal clear."
Meijia: "Your arms are strong, your chest is broad and mighty, and your skin is invincible."
Zi Qiao: "Dad will sell refrigerators to Eskimos, tennis rackets to Federer and wheelchairs to football players."
Zi Qiao: "The goal is one word, fool him, repair him and scare her."
Zi Qiao: "Don't listen to the old man and die in front of me."
Zi Qiao: "I am a born actor." From small to large, I saw beautiful MM eyes are round. "
Zi Qiao: "Ladies and gentlemen"
Zi Qiao said to Zhan Bo, "Why do I feel that you are sitting here, just" there are no birds in a hundred mountains and no footprints in a thousand paths "?
Xiaobo: "I have been divorced for three years, and my son is half a year old."
Yifei: "Wait, why can't I calculate this topic?"
Fairy: "They are separated by a wall, but they have never met. Because one of them always goes to the left and the other always takes the elevator. "
Wan Yu: "Do you still play football?"
Ron Artest: "No, in this country, the fighting skills of football players are much better than their feet."
Wan Yu: "I put my car on the windowsill to collect the essence of the sun and the moon. Maybe it flew back to Cybertron. "
Zhan Bo said, "Don't lie to me."
Zhan Bo (describing his intoxicated sister): "People describe her in eight words: as quiet as a virgin and as active as a raving rabbit."
Yifei: "Failure is the mother of success"
Zhan Bo: "But I already have many mothers ..."
Meijia: "Ceng Laoshi, do you have a toilet in the kitchen or a stove in the toilet? :"
Meijia's classic saying: "I will kill you with a bite of salt and soda."
American-Canadian multiplication formula "1772788 Women's Day, May Day, Labor Day and Children's Day"
Zhan Bo: "I want to give the girls something. I wonder what girls like? "
Wan Yu: "Why don't you just ask your sister?"
Zhan Bo: "My sister has never been a girl!" " "
Guan Gu: "I used to think you China people were modest, but now I find that this is not the case."
Zhan Bo: "Why?"
Guangu "Every day on the road, I see you writing everywhere that China is good, China people are good, China agriculture is good, China industry and commerce is good, and Guangdong is developing well. I know you are good in many ways now! But you don't have to write it everywhere! "
Yifei: "Zhan Bo and I used to be conjoined babies. Before we were two years old, our brains were still growing together. We have telepathy. "
Fairy: "Yes, and then the doctor gave all his brains to Zhan Bo."
Yifei: "The price of pork downstairs has gone up."
Zhanbo: "Then go downstairs and buy pork!" " "
Yifei: "The problem is that pork prices all over the world have gone up by posting announcements downstairs. You want me to go to Mars to buy pork? "
Yifei: "The driving school will expel those self-taught novices who are good at braking from the beginning."
Yifei: "Shit, my car dares to overtake."
Zhan Bo: "Forget it, he may think we are too slow."
Yifei: "You are too slow. Why don't you become an astronaut?"? Small trees are not straight unless they flow with the water. Step on the gas pedal and greet his ancestors for eighteen generations! " "
Yifei said to Xiaoxian, "A vegetative person speaks better than you. Do you believe I planted you in a flowerpot? "
Fairy: "I allow you to walk around in my world, but I don't allow you to run around in my world."
Wan Yu: "Master, are we far from the city center now?"
Bus master: "It wasn't far just now, but it's quite far now."
Yifei: "I really want to slap your face in size 42 with my size 38 shoes."
Yifei: "Yes! That's right! The red carpet is 80 meters long. Why am I 5 meters shorter? Is this boss too wicked? Pork prices are rising, and carpets are coming to reduce my weight? Their carpet is not made of pigskin, is it? "
Meijia: "I used to be harassed by people online, but later I found it important to remember what user name." Work account, decline to chat, if you want to chat, 50 cents per word, punctuation, half price charge, more than 1000 words, 20% discount, audio and video recording, not yet opened, pay first and then talk, chat as soon as the money arrives, pay online and provide invoices. "
Yifei: "Is anyone bothering you?"
Meijia: "Of course, no one will talk to me anymore."
Meijia: "Roll as fast as the speed of light."
Ceng Xiaoxian: "Hello, everyone. Welcome to Xiaoxian's appointment. I am your good friend Xin Xiaoxian. Ah ~ ~ ~ Yes.
Do it again? "
Wan Yu calls KFC to order food:
(Welcome to call KFC)
Wan Yu: "Hello, I want a KFC."
What do you need?
Wan Yu: "I want a KFC."
KFC has many products. Which one do you need? )
Wan Yu: "Nothing else, I want to eat KFC."
Wan Yu: "The hair disappeared without a trace. Dandruff is more prominent. "
Wan Yu: "Maybe she celebrated the Songkran Festival, which is a blessing to you!" " "
Zi Qiao: "Have you ever seen anyone splashing boiling water on the Water-splashing Festival?"
Zi Qiao: "I'm watching the match between China men's football team and Malaysian women's football team. The Promise is a horror movie. Recently, there was a funny movie called Red Cliff. "
Zi Qiao said to Meijia, "Big beauty? You are a disaster. Wait a minute, beauty is not enough, you are a disaster. "
Wan Yu: "Ah! That's interesting! This man's name is Shuai Shuai, and he was cut! I guess this person must be ugly! "
Fairy: "Hehehe, that's my name."
Wan Yu: "Ah ha ha ha ha ha! This man is ugly and wants to have a facelift! Worse than your name. "
Xiaoxian: "Khan, that is my new name!" " "
Wan Yu: "Ha ha ha! This man told Tang Priest to wash his hair and be soft! "
Xiaoxian: "That's Zhanbo."
Yifei: "I want you to disappear into biology and sociology!" " "
Zhan Bo's psychotic aunt: "Don't run, I only kill people, not hurt people!" " "
Yifei: I can't believe you peeked into other people's bedrooms!
Fairy: I didn't mean to. I'm just out for soy sauce.
Sister Flash: "Hello, Wei Jia! I have a script here, the protagonist is a cat, so you can let Tony Leung Chiu Wai play it. "
Fairy: "I'll make a long story short: it's a long story."
Fairy: What should we do? ! !
Meijia: You ask me, I ask you! You are the only man in this room! !
Fairy: A man? Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? ! !
Lisa commented on Ceng Xiaoxian's face: "It's not about the software. You should change the monitor! "
Zhan Bo: "Of course I know what is true and what is false. Batman Spider-Man is fake, but Santa Claus is real. He gave me a gift and Zi Qiao's scientific experiment. "
Zhan Bo: "No! Relax! We don't know the number of friends or enemies yet! I don't want to take risks. "
Zi Qiao: "There are four and a half men in our car. They are basically the leaders!" " "
Zhan Bo: "Is it three and a half years?"
Xiaoxian said to Zhan Bo, "One (refers to himself) and two (refers to Joe). One Philippines counts as two and you count as half! Just four and a half! "
Guan Gu: "What is the legend of condor heroes? Is it the story of two eagles? "
Guan Gu: "The little dragon girl is so beautiful. Yang Guo doesn't know how to cherish. He only has an aunt in his heart. "
Zhan Bo: "Well, the little dragon girl is his aunt."
Guan Gu: "Ah! It's so sinful. Does his uncle have no problem with Yang Guo doing this? "
Zhan Bo: "Well, there is no such thing as an uncle."
Guan Gu: "Oh, my God, later Yang Guo became her uncle, and the little dragon girl became her nephew and daughter-in-law."
Wan Yu: "Little Dragon Girl was raped!"
Guan Gu: "What about you?"
Wan Yu: "Yes, it's Yi Zhiping!"
Guangu: "It turns out that Yi Zhiping is Yang Guo's uncle."
Ceng Xiaoxian: "To make chocolate is to melt other people's chocolate and solidify it?"
Yifei: "Isn't it?"
Fairy: "Now I know why there are so many fake milk powders. You can do it too. First buy some milk powder, then rinse it with water, and then dry it in the sun. Look, this is handmade milk powder. There is also a nice name-Luffy milk powder. I have thought of all the advertising words for you! Since drinking Luffy brand milk powder, my waist has been sore, my legs have stopped hurting, and even my heart has stopped beating! "
Yifei: "Well, thank you, Ceng Laoshi. When I succeed this time, I'll use you as an experiment first. If I can't die, I will definitely mass produce. "
Yifei: "Ceng Laoshi, your charm is absolutely devastating. Only when you meet again can you destroy a rival in love the next day. Wait, let me count how many competitors you have. Oh, there is another company. "
Ceng Laoshi's breakup statement.
Fairy: "Think about the scene where you are sitting next to her, and then she is joking with you without knowing anything. Then you opened your mouth, she collapsed, then she cried, and then the two hugged and cried their eyes out. Finally, you must tell her that we can't, so you'd better buy a cucumber! "
Zi Qiao: "This is the routine procedure of breaking up, but it will never happen to you."
Fairy: "Why?"
Zi Qiao: "Because she is Laura, have you ever seen a person tied to a boat get seasick?" So I think this should be the case. You talk to her, she looks at you quietly, you break down, and then you cry. Then he pulled you in his arms and said confidently, don't cry, wash and sleep! I have to work tomorrow! Don't talk nonsense when you are full! "
Wan Yu and Zhan Bo: Agreed!
Fairy: "Are you sure you saw it clearly this time?"
Meijia: "Of course! It has a hard shell and six legs, just like a cockroach! "
Guan Gu: "And he also has the characteristics of a mouse, gray hair and a long tail."
Fairy: "Eh, wait, wait, what is it?" Cockroaches or rats? "
Meijia: "After our research certification, it is a cockroach!" " "
Fairy: "What! ? "
Guangu: It can also be called Xiao Qiang the Mouse.
Fairy: "You mean, it's a mouse, but its name is Xiao Qiang? ! "
Meijia: "No! It is a hybrid of two creatures. "
Guan Gu: "Er ... All-round variation!"
Fairy: "That's ridiculous. How can mammals and insects blend together? "
Guan Gu: "We can't find any other reasonable explanation."
Meijia: "It's possible. A drunken cockroach met a mouse who had just been lovelorn, and then they ... "
Fairy: "Oh, it is possible, it is also possible that a drunken ant met a lovelorn elephant, and the ant was pregnant with the elephant's child!" " "
Wan Yu: "Zi Qiao, you are surfing the Internet with your mobile phone."
Zi Qiao: "Yes, this mobile phone is often turned off, but the Internet access speed is still very fast. Go to youyube~ watch videos ~ chat with girls, or go to ipartment website. The hut is a cow! "
Wan Yu: "What's your name on ipartment's website? I want to add you as a friend, but I can't find you. "
Zi Qiao: "What keywords did you search for me again?"
Wan Yu: "Lv Ziqiao."
Zi Qiao: "Wrong, I have a new screen name now, which is called' Rejector'."
Fairy: "(poof spits out a mouthful of water) Rejector, what about you?"
Zi Qiao: "(with a disdainful face) Hey, amateurs are amateurs. This name is very particular. Please remove the capitals next to it and have a look. "
Zi Qiao (hoarsely): "Hey ~ ~ Why don't you scold?"
Yifei (hoarse): "I can't scold any more."
Zi Qiao: "I found us bored."
Yifei: "Yes ~ I think so, too. Nonsense, you are boring, it's none of my business. "
Zi Qiao: "All right, all right, stop swearing. This is the presidential battle of the United States."
Yifei (turning on the radio): "Ceng Laoshi's program is about to start."
Zi Qiao: "Do you want to hear it? Gee, I'm bored. "
Yifei: "Don't you listen?"
Zi Qiao: "Listen, who bored us?"
A three and a five. ...
Guangu: "Eat ..."
Xiaoxian and Yifei: "What to eat ..."
Guangu: "I ate this card ..."
Xiaoxian and Yifei: "Ah ..."
Guangu: "Look at my cards ..."
Yifei: "Two aces, one two, one eight, what's the matter ..."
Guan Gu: "With this 5, I will make it12581..."
One Philippine: "12581..."
Guan Gu: "I'm afraid. 1258 1 means I can help you as long as you press me ..."
Fairy: "What can I do for you?"
Guan Gu: "I have a chance to touch myself ..."
Xiaoxian and Yifei: "Touch yourself ..."
Guangu: "Ok, come on, each of you will draw me a card ..."
Fairy: "Hey, what are you doing ..."
Guan Gu: "I can mold a card for you ..."
Fairy: "Why should I give it to you ..."
Guangu: "Ah ..."
Guan Gu: "A ten, look at this ..."
Xiaoxian and Yifei: "What is this ..."
Guan Gu: "One for ten, one for one, October 1st, when ..."
Xiaoxian and Yifei: "National Day ..."
Guangu: "Yes, you have to rest for seven days on National Day, and I can escape seven cards ..."
Fairy: "Hibernation card ..."
Guan Gu: "You are so clever, but the effect is almost the same ..."
Fairy: "Then why do you play cards ..."
Guangu: "I am Japanese, and Japan's National Day is not that day, so I can't rest. I have to continue working, so I can play cards, but you can't play cards ..."
Ipartment landlord rule
1. A pair of QQ can't beat 745 because QQ is only 30 thousand to 40 thousand, but BMW 745 is very expensive
2. The bomb can't hit 1 19 because the fire brigade can put out the fire. ...
3. Your Majesty doesn't call 9 1 1 very often, because the American Federal Bureau of Investigation is very powerful.
4. Straight can't beat four-color cards, because colorful is better than standing out from the crowd.
5. Congratulations on getting 1258 1. China Mobile gives it to itself for free.
6. If girls get 3 or 8 points, they will be congratulated. Because shopping stopped playing cards once during the holiday.
7. Get 5. 1 10. 1. Stop playing cards because of national holidays.
Audience: I fell in love with my colleague Chi.
Audience: But I didn't tell him.
Audience: I told my colleague Hao.
Audience: Hao promised not to tell anyone.
Audience: But my colleague Ed told me.
Audience: Ah Hao secretly told another colleague, Alin.
Audience: Alin is also very familiar with Archie's ex-girlfriend Allen.
Audience: I'm afraid Alin will tell Allen.
Audience: Then Allen went back and told A Zhi.
Audience: Then I'm embarrassed.
Audience: Fortunately, Allen is in love with Ade now.
Audience: So I went to Ed to help me solve this problem.
Audience: Ed told me that Allen broke up with him.
Audience: He is dating Alin now. Let me find Arlene.
Audience: But Alin told me that Ah Hao didn't actually say anything to him at all.
Audience: Now I feel dizzy. Who should I trust?
Fairy: Ah Ou
Audience: I'm talking about Archie, not Ou. He's my colleague in another department.
Audience: A Ou is Alin's younger brother.
Audience: But I can't tell him that the person I like is the ex-boyfriend of your brother's girlfriend.
Audience: This will make the relationship even more confusing.
Fairy: Aqiao
Audience: A T?
Audience: How do you know that there is another colleague named T in our company?
Audience: He bears a grudge against Alin, probably because he has a crush on Allen.
Audience: But T and A Hao have a good relationship.
Guangu: Honey, what shall we eat today?
Xiaoxue: Whatever.
Guangu: Shall we eat hot pot?
Xiaoxue: No, eating hot pot will make you get pimples on your face.
Guangu: How about Sichuan food?
Xiaoxue: I just ate Sichuan food yesterday. What about today?
Guangu: Shall we eat seafood?
Xiaoxue: Bad seafood can cause diarrhea.
Guangu: What did you say you wanted to eat?
Xiaoxue: Whatever.
Guan Gu: E! ~ ~ ~ Then let's stop eating and do something else.
Xiaoxue: Anything will do.
Guangu: Then let's watch a movie. I haven't seen a movie for a long time.
Xiaoxue: What's interesting about movies? This is a delay.
Guangu: How about bowling? Exercise. Exercise.
Xiaoxue: What's your luck on a hot day? Aren't you tired?
Guangu: Oh! ~ ~ ~ ~ Then let's have some more coffee.
Xiaoxue: Eh ~ ~ ~ Drinking coffee affects sleep.
Guangu: Then what do you want?
Xiaoxue: Anything will do.
Guangu: Then let's go home.
Xiaoxue: (smiles and then takes the bag) Look at you.
Guangu: Let's take the bus and I'll see you off.
Xiaoxue: The bus is dirty and crowded, so forget it.
Guangu: How about taking a taxi?
Xiaoxue: It's not worth walking such a short distance.
Guangu: Let's go. Let's go for a walk.
Xiaoxue: Are you going for a walk on an empty stomach?
Guangu: Then what do you want?
Xiaoxue: Look at you.
Guangu: Let's eat first.
Xiaoxue: Whatever.
Guangu: What to eat?
Xiaoxue: Anything will do.
Guangu: ~! # #
Riding a white horse is not necessarily a prince, but also a Tang priest …
It is not necessarily a monk who can burn incense, but also a panda …
Those who have tattoos are not necessarily bad people, but those who are willing to be Yue Fei ~
It is not necessarily a big bird that can fly, but it may be Li Ning.
Yifei: Your ranking is too low. Wan Yu is the rank of the Monkey King.
Zhan Bo: What about me?
Yifei: What's the name of the old man who put the Monkey King in the blast furnace?
Zhan Bo (excitedly): Too old gentleman!
Yifei: Yes! You are on the same level as the coal ash in the blast furnace of Taishang Laojun!
Sister Flash: "Does your heroine wear clothes?"
Guan Gu: "Don't wear it."
Sister Shan: "That's good."
Guan Gu: "My protagonists are all cats."
Sister flash: "in my eyes, there are two kinds of people, one will be red and the other will never be red." Which one are you? " ?
You are nothing, because you have never been in my eyes! "
Wan Yu said, "They asked me what my dream was, and I said I wanted to own a small house, maybe my house, which was different from others'. My ideal house ... the roof is made of almond slices, the chimney is made of roast pork rolls, the bed is made of candied dates, the pillows are all crystal shrimp dumplings, raisins are raining, lollipops are snowing, soup buns are everywhere outside the house, preserved eggs and lean porridge flow in the river, and the sky flying in the river is cooked. With a snort, they will automatically line up and jump into my mouth. The clouds in the sky are all cotton candy.