A selection of cold jokes

1:Once upon a time a man was fishing and caught a squid.

The squid begged him: let me go, don't roast me for dinner.

The man said: OK, then let me ask you a few questions.

The squid was happy and said, "Go ahead, take the test!

Then the man grilled the squid...

2: I had schizophrenia but now we are recovered.

3: a foreign student in the United States to take a driver's license, the road signs in front of the prompted to turn left, he is not very sure, asked the examiner:

"turn left?"

Answer: "right"

So ...... hung up...

4: One day green beans committed suicide by jumping down from the 5th floor, shed a lot of blood, and turned into red beans; kept flowing pus, and turned into yellow beans; the wound scarred, and finally became black beans.

5: Xiaoming cut his hair and came to school the next day, his classmates saw his new hairstyle and laughed: Xiaoming, your head shape seems like a kite oh! Xiao Ming felt very aggrieved, so he ran outside and cried. Crying ~ he flew ............

6: There is a man who looks like an onion, walking and crying .......

7: The little penguin asked his grandmother one day, "Grandma grandma, am I a penguin?" "Yes, of course you are a penguin." The little penguin asked his dad again, "Dad dad, am I a penguin?" "Yes, you are a penguin. What's wrong?" "But, but why do I feel so cold?"

8: A pair of corn fell in love...

So they decided to get married...

On the day of the wedding...

One of the corn couldn't find the other...

This one asked the one next to him Popcorn: Have you seen our corn?

Popcorn: Honey, I'm wearing a wedding dress .......

9: In music class, the teacher played a piece by Beethoven

Small Ming asked Xiaohua: "Do you know music?"

Siao Hua: "Yes"

Siao Ming: "Then do you know what the teacher is playing?"

Siao Hua: "The piano."

10: Q: There are two people fell into a trap, the dead one is called dead man, what is the living one called?

A:Called Help!

11: Q: What are cloth and paper afraid of?

Answer: Cloth is afraid of ten thousand, paper is afraid of ten thousand.

Reason: not (cloth) afraid of ten thousand, only (paper) afraid of what if.

12: One day there was a mother-in-law in a car...

Sitting in the middle of the mother-in-law did not recognize the road ....

The granny hit the driver's ass with a stick and said: Where is this?

Driver: this is my ass .....

13: an egg went to the teahouse to drink tea, and it turned into a tea egg; an egg ran to the Songhua River to swim, and it turned into a pine egg; an egg ran to Shandong, and it turned into a Lu (brine) egg; an egg was homeless, and it turned into a wild egg; an egg accidentally fell on the road and fell on the ground, and it turned into a missile; an egg ran into someone's yard, and it turned into an atomic bomb; an egg ran to the Tibetan Plateau, and it turned into a hydrogen bomb; an egg got sick, and it turned into a bad egg; an egg married a man, and it turned into an asshole; an egg ran to the river to swim, and it turned into a nuclear bomb; an egg ran to the flowers, and it turned into a flower girl; an egg rode a horse and held a knife, and it turned out that he was a saber and a horseman; An egg is female, long and ugly, it turned out to be a dinosaur egg; an egg is male, his wife is outside and other eggs adultery, the result that he became a son of a bitch; an egg ......

14: The host asked: whether the cat will climb the tree? The eagle snaps: yes! Host: give an example! Eagle with tears: that year, I was asleep, the cat climbed the tree ... later there was an owl ...

15: two shitty mantis discuss welfare lottery, A said: I want to win the jackpot on the square 50 miles of the toilet to buy, every day to eat enough! B said:You are too vulgar! If I win the jackpot, I'll buy a live one and eat it fresh every day!

16: why the chicken cross the street

Answer to get another side

17: A: What is that man doing?

B: He's shivering.

A: Why is he shaking?

B: He's cold.

A: Oh, so he's not cold if he's shivering.

A: ......

18: There was a Mr. Banana who was on a date with his girlfriend and was walking down the street, it was very hot, so Mr. Banana took his clothes off, and after that his girlfriend fell down .........

19: A sausage was locked in the refrigerator

feeling very cold, then looked at the other one beside him, with a little comfort, and said, "Look at you are frozen like this, all over the ice!" Turns out that one said, "Sorry, I'm a popsicle."

20:. Once upon a time there was a marshmallow went to play ball for a long time . He said:I'm so tired,I feel like my whole body has gone limp ..........

21: This diver's move was so difficult that he did a spinning triple take a front flip three and a half weeks take a back flip for a month.

22: MM looking for college lost. Met a well-mannered professor.

MM: Excuse me, how do I get to the university?

Professor: You can only go to college if you study hard.

23: the director and the section chief **** ride the elevator, the director put a fart after the section chief said: you farted! Section chief said: not I put ... ... Soon the section chief was removed from office, the Secretary said at the meeting: fart thing you can not afford, to you what use?

24: Miss: Now business is not good ah!

Boss: Why?

Miss: "Bird flu ....."

25: a woman encountered robbers trembling said: "I am XX school, just graduated, did not find a job, there is really no money ......"

The robbers even cried after listening to the pain, "sister, I is also XX school, you take a good student ID, the front of the robbery or XX school, you can rest assured that Allah will never rob their own people!"

26: want and girlfriend ML, girlfriend said not bathing can not, promised cold days can wash "local", wash, girlfriend extremely shy: "darling, you good lazy yo, with which wash which ...... "Even after listening to the fainting, I just brushed a tooth ah ~ ~ ~ ~ (huge hidden cold joke)

27: a blind beggar wearing sunglasses in the street begging.

A drunk man came over and felt sorry for him, so he threw a hundred dollars to him.

After walking for a while, the drunkard turned around and happened to see the blind man looking into the sun to distinguish the authenticity of the hundred-dollar cheat sheet.

The drunkard came over and took back the money, saying, "You don't want to live, how dare you cheat me!"

The blind beggar said with an aggrieved face, "Big brother, really sorry ah, I am for a friend here to see, he is a blind man, went to the toilet, in fact, I am a mute."

"Oh, it's like this," so the drunk threw down his money and staggered off again ......

28: Bird flu - it's all about the "sky shit" causing trouble!!!!!

There are two kinds of people who have a very high chance of getting bird flu - 1. "animals" ;2. "beastly" people ... ....

29: A: Hey, how did you learn to smoke?

B: I have since Adam and Eve stole the forbidden fruit~

C: Do you know why Adam and Eve stole the forbidden fruit?

AB: I don't know!

C: Because Adam didn't have a cigarette! (Hint: Harmonize a word)

30: Someone who had just been dumped by his girlfriend happened to bump into his ex-girlfriend flirting with her new love on the street, and the more he looked, the angrier he got, and he wanted to humiliate them a little. So he politely went up to say hello and said to his girlfriend's new lover with contempt, "You don't mind the old stuff I've used!" Just as he was pleased with his creativity, his ex-girlfriend burst out laughing and said, "An inch of it is old on the outside, but it's all brand new on the inside!"

31: When we broke up, she gave me a kiss, the feeling - as if the People's Daily as real ......

32: just looked at the elder sister's computer screen above a similar news scroll bar thing, the top of the text went by very fast.

I was curious and asked: are these the lyrics?

Sister: Yes!

Sister: How did it go by so fast? I didn't even see it!

Sister: Jay Chou's!

33: Wife:I really blindly stepped on shit to marry you.

Husband:I was really blind to step on dog shit to marry you.

Shit: I'm so unlucky! I've been stepped on by both of you while I was lying there ......

34: high school chemistry questions: A and B can be transformed into each other, B in boiling water can produce C, C in the air oxidation into D, D has the smell of rotten eggs, ask A, B, C, D is what?

I replied: A is chicken, B is raw egg, C is cooked egg, D of course is rotten egg!

35: Which is the worst rubber, tiger skin or lion skin?

A: Eraser.

Because of the eraser (eraser poor).

36: Q:What is 3 heads and one foot

Answer:3 heads and one foot monster ！！！！！！

37: When an ant goes to the desert, why does he leave no footprints in the sand but only a line?

Answer: because he was riding a bicycle!

The ant went home from the desert, he didn't inform anyone, but his family knew he was back! Why!

Answer: saw his bike parked downstairs .......

38: One day a female drug offender was arrested at the police station, the police saw that she had a tattoo on her hand, and asked her why you tattooed your boyfriend's name on your hand, and that his name was Xiaoliang, wasn't it... Ah. Isn't it. Speak up! Speak up! Did he take drugs? .... Speak up

Only the female drug addict raised her head with an angry look

and said to the police

This is hate ....

40: One day, Xiaomei and her boyfriend drove out for a drive,

The car was almost out of gas, and there was a gas station right next to it, so when they drove past, a sudden gust of wind blew her boyfriend's hat away.

Small America's boyfriend said to her,

"I'm going to go pick up my hat, and you can help me get gas.

The boyfriend had just run off when he heard Xiao Mei shouting behind him:

"Come on! Come on!"

41: A gorilla passed through the woods and accidentally picked up the feces of a gibbon.

The kind gorilla cleaned up the feces of the ape.

After a while they fell in love, and people asked how did you get together?

The orangutan replied, "It was ape poop (fate).!"

42:: There is a fat man ..........

Jumped from a tall building...

Turns out to be .......

Dead fat guy...

43: There was a duck called Little Yellow, and one day it was hit by a car while crossing the street and screamed, "Quack!" From then on it became a small cucumber ......

44: There is a penguin, his home from the polar bear's home is particularly far, if you rely on walking, it will take 20 years to get there. One day, the penguin stayed at home especially bored, ready to go to the polar bear to play, with is he went out, but went to the road half of the time to realize that he forgot to lock the door, which has been gone for 10 years, but the door still have to lock ah, so the penguin and walked home to lock the door. After locking the door, the penguin once again set off to find the polar bear, equal to him spent 40 years to the polar bear their home ...... Then the penguin knocked on the door and said: "Polar bear polar bear, penguin looking for you to play to come!" When the polar bear opens the door, guess what he says? "Better go to your home to play it~"

45: The white rabbit hopped to the bakery, asked: "Boss, do you have a hundred buns ah?" Boss: "Ah, I'm so sorry, there aren't that many" "That's so..." The white rabbit hung his head and left. The next day, the white rabbit hopped to the bakery, "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?" Boss: "I'm sorry, I don't have any." "That's right." The white rabbit went away again. On the third day, the white rabbit hopped to the bakery, "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?" The owner said happily, "Yes, yes, we have a hundred buns today!" The white rabbit pulled out his money, "Great, I'll take two!"

46: Xiao Ming said, "Kang, I'm asking you, "A shark ate a green bean, and what did it turn into?". Akon says, "I don't know, what's the answer?". Ming says, "Hey! Hey! The answer is "Mung Bean Sand (Mung Bean Shark)", you're so stupid!

47: The teacher asked a student how to reduce white pollution. The teacher asked the student how to reduce white pollution, and the student answered: make the lunch box blue.

48: There was a man who had a bad stomach. One day, he came to the gastroenterology hospital, said to the doctor: "I eat what pull what, eat watermelon pull watermelon, eat cucumber pull cucumber! "The doctor thought about it and said to him: "I think you can only eat shit!"

49: On the plane, an air hostess asked a little girl, "Why does the plane fly so high and not hit the stars? " The little girl replied: "I know, because the stars will 'flash' ah!"

50: There is a polar bear and a penguin playing together, the penguin to the body of the hair one by one plucked down, after plucking, said to the polar bear: "good cold oh! "The polar bear heard, also put their own body hair one by one pulled down, turned to the penguin said: "really cold!"

51: Q: What do African cannibal chiefs eat?

A: People!

Q: So one day, the chief got sick and the doctor told him to be a vegetarian, so what did he eat?

A: Eat vegetarians!

52: There were two sausages in the fridge, and after a long time,

one heel of the sausage shook, wow! It's so cold~!

The other sausage was very surprised and said, Huh? How can you talk if you're a sausage?

53: One day,

there was a buck that ran faster and faster,

and at the end of the day,

it became a high-speed buck.

54: One day, the teacher took a group of children to the mountains to pick fruit.

She announced, "Children, after picking the fruit, we will unite and wash it together, and after washing it, we can eat it together."

All the children ran off to pick fruit.

When it was time to gather, all the children gathered.

The teacher: "Xiaohua, what did you pick?"

Small Hua:

"I'm washing apples because I picked apples."

Teacher:

"What about you, Xiaomei?"

Siu Mei: "I'm washing tomatoes because I picked them."

Teacher: "The children are great! What about you, Ah Ming?"

Ming: "I'm washing my shoes because I stepped in poop."

55: The teacher asked Ming a question in class and Ming stood up but didn't say anything.

Teacher: Xiao Ming?

Teacher: Xiao Ming

Teacher: Xiao Ming! What's wrong with you? Do you know the answer or not? At least tell me!

Ming: Squeak

56: An elephant asked a camel: 'Why are your boobs on your back?'

The camel said: 'Die far away, I don't talk to things with dicks growing on their faces!

57: How do you make a drink bigger?

Recite the Great Compassion Mantra

58: Xiao Ming:What degree is it today ah?

Small Hua:It's 3 degrees below zero!

Small Ming:No wonder it's so cold.

59: A little boy came home from school and spied a woman lying on a bed rubbing her breasts and shouting "I want a man, I want a man" through the window!

The next day the boy went out the window and saw a man lying on top of the woman.

So the boy went home and lay on the bed, rubbing his breasts and shouting, "I want a bicycle, I want a bicycle!

60: Once upon a time there was a bird,

who passed by a cornfield every day,

but unfortunately,

one day there was a fire in the cornfield,

and all the corn turned into popcorn!!!

The little bird was so happy that he was able to see the woman's face,

and the little boy went home and rubbed his breasts and shouted, "I want a bicycle!

After the bird flew over ......

Thinking it's snowing, it's freezing... He put on the sunglasses and looked in the mirror, and then realized: Oh, I am a panda.

62: The teacher of the nature class asked: Why is the body cold after death?

No one answered.

The teacher asked again: does no one know?

At this point, a student stood up and said: that's because the heart is quiet and naturally cold.

63: Xiao Ming lost one leg in a car accident,

Small Ming lost another leg in a car accident,

Another car accident lost Xiao Ming his other leg,

Actually, Xiao Ming is a dog.

64: One day, A, B and C went out together and walked along the road for a long time.

Then A said, "I'm bored, and I'd like to beat up B.

Then C took one look at A, and dragged B down the alley to beat him up.

65: Three little rabbits pooping

The first one was a long one .

The second is a ball.

The third one is actually triangular .

Asked, it replied, I squeezed it with my hand.

66: When will Taiwan want to unify?

When you buy instant noodles

67: One day Xiao Qiang asked his dad, "Dad, am I a stupid kid?"

Dad said, "Silly boy, how can you be a silly boy?"

68: Xiaoming went home, the dog next door suddenly ran out to bite him, he was angry and picked up the bamboo to beat it,

the dog's owner saw Xiaoming beat his dog, he was not happy to see, said: beat the dog also need to look at the owner, have not you heard of it?

Then Xiao Ming said, "OK! I will watch you while I beat your dog.

69: Bug: Little Flower, did you use my pencil?

Small Flower: No, I didn't use it.

Bug: You're really useless?

Small Flower: I'm really useless!

Bug: Ugh, you're the 17th person to admit you're useless

70: How did the ants die after falling from the Himalayas?

Answer: starved to death. It takes a long time to float down because it's so light~...

80: Why do puppies get smaller and smaller?

Answer: because it gets farther and farther away.

81: Once upon a time, there was a horse! It ran and fell into the sea.

So it became a "sea horse"!

This horse's other horse friend, who was trying to find the horse that fell into the sea, ended up falling into the river. Then he became a hippopotamus.

The third horse was a white horse. The third horse was a white horse that came to the city in a traffic jam to find his two missing friends.

It was run over by several cars in a row, causing several black stripes to appear on its body.

As a result, it becomes a zebra!

The fourth horse, in search of his three companions, came to a factory one day and was transformed into an "iron horse".

But then, those horses are still hard to escape the fate of being eaten, all were made into a "Shaki horse", ravaging the reach of all the horses were not spared, into a world without horses ......

Then, a group of people saw this joke after Couldn't help but say, "Horse's ~ that's cold."

Finally, in honor of the joke, someone made a lesson out of it, and we called it the "Horse Race Lesson"!

82: Xiaoming owes 200,000 to the underground money changer, Xiaoming begged him bitterly for a few more days of grace,

The money changer said: tomorrow must pay back, or else ...... chopped off 2 fingers;

The day after tomorrow,....... In chopped 4; the 3rd day then ......

Small Ming: Is it not necessary to pay back

Money changer man: NO, by then you will become Tinkerbell.

83: A man ran into God one day

God suddenly had a big heart and intended to give that man a wish

God asked:Do you have any wish?

The man thought for a moment and said: I heard that cats have 9 lives, so please give me 9 lives!

God said: Your wish comes true!

One day, the man was bored,

and he thought he would die, he had 9 lives anyway

and he lay down on the railroad tracks,

and a train went by,

and the man died.

Why is that?

Because the train had 10 cars.

84: A guy went to the hospital and had many tests done.

The doctor says: there is good news and bad news! After looking at your test results, I realized that you have latent homosexual tendencies! And it's hard to cure!

The guy says: Oh my God! What about the good news?

The doctor coyly says: I find you kinda cute yeah

85: A hunter goes hunting with his hunting dogs and skips through the woods all day without any prey.

It was dark, and he kept riding his horse around the forest.

The horse suddenly said: 'You don't let me rest, you want to tire me out!

The hunter was so shocked that he immediately rolled off his horse, pulled the hound and ran away, and when he came to a big tree to catch his breath, the dog patted his chest and said to him: 'I'm scared to death that the horse can talk!

So the hunter was scared to death on the spot

86: Wolf, tiger and lion who play the game will definitely be eliminated? Wolf

Because: Momotaro (eliminated the wolf)

87: One day A picked a mirror and looked into it and said; the person here looks familiar

B said; does it? Let's see (took the mirror), I ah! You don't recognize me?

88: Tomato A and Tomato B went shopping.

B asked A:Where are we going?

A doesn't answer.

B asks again:Where are we going?

A still doesn't answer.

B asks again.

Tomato A turns to Tomato B and says, Aren't we from tomatoes? Why are we talking?

89: Once upon a time, there was a white cat and a black cat

One day

the white cat fell into the water

the black cat saved it

the white cat said something to the black cat

``Q: What was the phrase?

...

"Meow"

90: A: "Do you know what I was doing at the Internet cafe last night?"

B: "What were you doing;"

A: "surfing the net;"

B: "...."

91: Two flies go to dinner.

The small one asked the big one: big brother, why do we have to eat shit every day?

The big one says: don't say such disgusting things during dinner!

92: In the straw boat

Lu Su: "Can we really borrow arrows this way? Mr. Kong Ming?"

George Liang: "Trust me."

Lu Su: "But I'm still a little worried ......"

Ge Liang: "There's no need."

Lu Su: "But don't you think it's getting hotter and hotter in the ship?"

Ge Liang: "In that case it's a bit of a hindrance...is something wrong?"

Lu Su: "Yeah, I'm worried that the enemy is shooting rockets ......"

Zhuge Liang: "Hey! Can you swim, Zi Jing?"

93: A monkey eats peanuts by sticking them up his ass before taking them out.

The administrator explained that the monkey was once fed peaches and

was unable to pull out the kernels, so the monkey was scared and now has to measure them before eating them.

94: Hospitals to prevent patients from escaping outside the 100 Road, two psychiatric patients still want to escape from the hospital. In the darkness of the night efforts

over the wall. To the 30th wall,

"Tired?" ,

"Not tired." And so the two continue to flip outward.

At the 60th wall,

"Are you tired?"

"No." And so they continued outward,

to the 99th wall,

"Are you tired? "

"Tired"

"Well then, let's go back over it"

95: Xiaoming: By a stream somewhere, there were four boys, Dabao, Daxiong, Dazhi, and Dawei***, playing in the water naked. were playing in the water naked.

Suddenly someone was electrocuting the four boys at the stream! Guess an electrical item.

Kang: hmmm ....

Ming: The answer is "TV"! Heh heh!

96: Locke: Dad, why do we have humps?

Daddy: Because there's no water in the desert, so we have humps to store water!

Camel: Dad, why do we need long hair?

Daddy: Because the desert is windy and sandy, and we have to rely on it to block the wind and sand so we can see!

Camel: Dad, why do we need thick hooves?

Daddy: Because the desert is full of sand, so we can stand firm!

Little Camel: Dad, one last question, so what are we doing at the zoo?

97: The hen was hatching an egg, and an egg came out of her butt

Hen: "What are you doing?"