On the first day of school, the teacher asked Xiao Ming: "Xiao Ming, 1 1 =?" Xiao Ming said: "I don't know." The teacher said: "Then you go home and ask your family." Xiao Ming went Asked his mother, his mother was quarreling with others, Xiao Ming asked: "Mom 1 1 =?" Mom said: "Son of a bitch!" Xiao Ming knew 1 1 = bastard; Xiao Ming went to ask his father again, his father was drinking beer, Xiao Ming asked: "Dad 1 1=?" Dad said: "It's cool!" Xiao Ming knew that 1 1= was cool again; Xiao Ming went to ask his grandpa again. Grandpa was watching TV. Xiao Ming asked: "Grandpa 1 1=?" Grandpa said: "Gangster boss ! "Xiao Ming knew 1 1 = gang boss; Xiao Ming went to ask his sister again, who was singing the national anthem: People who don't want to be slaves! Xiao Ming knew 1 1 = People who don’t want to be slaves; Xiao Ming went to ask his sister again, who was singing a children’s song: Little rabbit, please open the door! Xiao Ming got it 1 1=The little rabbit opened the door obediently. The next day, the teacher asked: "Xiao Ming 1 1 =?" Xiao Ming said: "Son of a bitch." "Pah" the teacher slapped Xiao Ming, and Xiao Ming said: "It's great." The teacher said inexplicably: "Who taught you? "Xiao Ming said: "The gang boss." The teacher was startled and asked: "Xiao Ming, what are you doing?" Xiao Ming sang: People who don't want to be slaves. The teacher locked Xiao Ming out. Xiao Ming knocked on the door and sang: "Little rabbit, open the door obediently." The teacher fainted.
1. Five Yuan Qian was kidnapped by a criminal gang. He called Hundred Yuan Qian:
"Hey! Your son is here. If you don't want us to rip it off, you can exchange it for him with yourself! ”
The hundred-yuan note thought for a moment and said:
“Tear it up, you won’t even have 5 yuan left if you tear it up!”
2. One person! He was about to starve to death in the desert when he picked up the magic lamp.
Magic Lamp: "I can only grant you one wish, tell me quickly, I'm in a hurry."
Man: "I want a wife..."
The magic lamp immediately turned out to be a beautiful woman, and then said disdainfully: "You are almost starving to death and you are still greedy for beauty! How sad!" After that, she disappeared.
Person: "...cake."
3. The earthworm family was very bored today, so the little earthworm cut himself into two pieces and went to play badminton.
Earthworm's mother thought this method was good, so she cut herself into four pieces to play mahjong.
Earthworm's father thought about it and cut himself into minced meat.
The mother earthworm cried and said: "Why are you so stupid? If you cut it into pieces like this, you will die!"
The father earthworm said weakly: "...Suddenly I want to play football."
4. The panda man wants to have sex with the panda girl, but the panda girl resists vigorously and refuses to obey.
After the failure, the panda man said angrily: "We are all going extinct!"
5. The tortoise and the hare race...the hare quickly ran to the front ...
The turtle saw a snail crawling very slowly... and said to him: Come up, I will carry you...
p>Then... the snail came up...
After a while... the turtle saw another ant... .. Said to him: Come up too...
So the ants also came up.
After the ant came up... saw the snail above... and said to him: Hello
Do you know what the snail said?
The snail said: Hurry up, this turtle is so fast...
6. A man and a woman were having dinner
The girl kept Ask that boy: Do you love me?
The boy glanced at the girl and continued to eat dinner
The girl was very angry and asked again: Do you love me?
The boy finally said: Love
The girl asked again: How do you prove it?
Suddenly the boy took out thirty yuan from his pocket.
Ask the girl: Do you have ten yuan?
The girl gave ten yuan to the boy...
The boy put forty yuan on the table
After a while... ...
The girl asked the boy angrily: Do you want to prove that you love me?
The boy said: I have proven it! Forty is right in front of you!
7. Visiting the snack street one day
I found a shop selling egg tarts
Every kind looks very delicious, I want to buy one to try
I asked the clerk: Is this sold individually?
Shop clerk: No, this is Japanese.
8. One day, a fire broke out in the house.
The parents escaped, and only one son was left inside.
My mother shouted nervously outside the house:
"Son...what are you doing...it's already on fire and you still can't come out..." ."
The son replied: "I am wearing socks..."
The mother said again, "Why should I wear socks if there is a fire..."
p>
Five minutes later, the son still hasn’t come out...
The mother shouted nervously again, "Son, what are you doing? Come out quickly~ It’s all on fire, please wait. Inside..."
The son said, "I am taking off my socks..."
9. A man went fishing by the river
p>
First he pierced a leaf, and no fish took the bait for a long time, so he changed it to a piece of bread, and again no fish took the bait for a long time~
He had no choice but to change it to earthworms, and again no fish took the bait for a long time. ~~
In anger, he took out 100rmb, threw it into the water and cursed:
"*—# What do you want to eat! Buy it yourself!!!"
10. A German, a Frenchman, and a Japanese are going to work in the mine.
The boss is an American. He said to the German: You have a good physique and you are responsible for the coolies.
To the French: You said you are an engineer and you are responsible for the mining plan.
To the Japanese, he said: You are very thin. You are responsible for supplies.
Then the next week, they started working.
A few days later, the Germans and French discovered that the Japanese were missing. After searching for a long time, they decided to go back to work.
When the Germans started working, the Japanese suddenly jumped out and shouted:
"Surprise!"
11. "I can't see clearly. Something far away,” the patient told the ophthalmologist.
"Please come with me," the doctor took the patient outside, pointed at the sun in the sky, and asked, "What do you think that is?"
"The sun." the patient answered.
"Then how far do you want to see!"
12. One day the animals smelled a bad smell in front of Guan Gong Temple.
The snake said: I am too young to fart such a smelly thing, it must be a cow.
The cow said: I eat grass and will not fart so smelly.
Pig said: People who fart will definitely blush.
Suddenly Guan Gong rushed out, beat the pig away and said: How many times have I told you that my blush is natural.
13. A man met God one day...
God suddenly became kind and planned to give that person a wish...
God asked you if you have any wishes...
The man thought about it...
I heard that cats have 9 lives... ....
Then please give me 9 lives...
God said...
You My wish came true...
One day, that person was bored...
I wanted to just die...
Anyway, I have 9 lives
Just lying on the railroad tracks...
As a result, a train drove past...
The man is still dead...
Why is this?
Because there were 10 carriages in that train...
14. One day, three people were sent to the funeral home. Strangely enough, their smiles after death were all It's ^_^...
The funeral director asked pol.ice very puzzled: Why do their faces after death turn out to be ^_^?
pol.ice said: This... it's a long story... Look at the person on the left... he was having sex with his wife. In the spring night...at the most passionate moment...I couldn't bear it...and died
The administrator replied: Alas... I would like to die under flowers... I am also romantic even if I am a ghost... So how did the one in the middle die?
pol.ice: That one in the middle... He... What a tragedy... He was walking on the road... Suddenly he heard He won the jackpot... with a prize of more than 700 million...
When he laughed happily... he was hit by an oncoming car... ....As a result...it died...
The administrator replied: Alas...he is really not blessed to enjoy this glorious and wealthy queen. Half a lifetime... What about the rest of this one?
pol.ice: ...This one's death is a bit pitiful... He was struck to death by lightning while climbing a tree
The administrator replied:... This is a bit wrong. Why is he still laughing after being struck by lightning...
pol.ice said: Because he climbed a tree Later he thought... there was a sudden flash of lightning...
He thought... someone was taking a photo of him...
15. It is said that thousands of years ago, whether they were male or female dogs, they squatted when urinating.
It was not until the Tang Dynasty that things changed...
Everyone has heard of Emperor Taizong of the Tang Dynasty! His old man had a pair of Pekingese dogs. Once, Emperor Taizong of the Tang Dynasty went to Mount Huashan to offer sacrifices to heaven and took this pair with him...
In the middle of the sacrifice, the female dog suddenly became anxious and ran behind a tree. Solve,
This is a very disrespectful behavior when worshiping the sky, so it angered the Jade Emperor,
The Jade Emperor ordered Thunder God to hit a thunder, which happened to hit the tree, and the tree fell , crushed the female dog to death, and the male dog was very scared after seeing it...
From then on, every time the male dog urinates under the tree, he will stretch out one foot and push against the tree,
Lest the tree fall down on you...
16. Once upon a time, a man went fishing and caught a squid.
Squid begged him: Please let me go, don’t roast me to eat.
The man said: Okay, then let me ask you a few questions.
The squid was very happy and said: You take the test, you take the test!
Then the man grilled the squid...
17: He once got Schizophrenia, but now we have recovered.
18: An international student was taking a driver’s license test in the United States. The road sign in front of him told him to turn left. He was not sure and asked the examiner:
“Turn left?”
Answer : "right"
So...died..
19: One day, Mung Bean committed suicide by jumping off the 5th floor. He bled a lot and turned into red bean; pus kept flowing. , turned into soybeans again; the wounds became scarred, and finally turned into black beans.
20: Xiao Ming had his hair cut, and when he came to school the next day, his classmates saw his new hairstyle and laughed: Xiao Ming, your hair looks like a kite! Xiao Ming felt very wronged, so he Run outside and cry. Crying and crying~ he flew up...
21: There was a man who looked like an onion and cried as he walked...
22: Little One day the penguin asked his grandma, "Grandma, grandma, am I a penguin?" "Yes, of course you are a penguin." The little penguin asked his father again, "Dad, daddy, am I a penguin?" Yes, you are a penguin, what's wrong?" "But, why do I feel so cold?"
23: A pair of corns fell in love...
So they decided to get married. …
On the wedding day…
One corn couldn’t find another corn…
This corn asked the popcorn next to him: Have you seen our home? Is there any corn?
Popcorn: Honey, she is wearing a wedding dress...
24: In music class, the teacher played a piece by Beethoven
Xiao Ming asked Xiao Hua: "Do you know music?"
Xiao Hua: "Yes"
Xiao Ming: "Then do you know what the teacher is playing?"
Xiaohua: "Piano."
25: Q: Two people fell into a trap. The dead are called dead people, and what are the living people called?
A: Call for help!
26: Question: What are cloth and paper afraid of?
Answer: Cloth is afraid of ten thousand, paper is afraid of nothing.
27: One day, my mother-in-law was riding in a car...
Halfway through the ride, my mother-in-law didn’t know the road...
My mother-in-law spanked the driver with a stick and said: This is Where?
Driver: This is my butt...
28: An egg went to a teahouse to drink tea, but it turned into a tea egg; an egg went to swim in the Songhua River , and it turned into a preserved egg; an egg ran to Shandong, and turned into a Lu (stewed) egg; an egg was homeless, and turned into a pheasant egg; an egg accidentally fell on the road An egg fell to the ground and turned into a missile; an egg ran into someone's yard and turned into an atomic bomb; an egg ran to the Qinghai-Tibet Plateau and turned into a hydrogen bomb; an egg got sick and turned into a hydrogen bomb An egg got married and turned into a bastard; an egg ran into a river and swam and turned into a nuclear bomb; an egg ran into flowers and turned into a heroine; an egg rode a horse The horse, holding a knife, turns out to be Danma Dan; one egg is female, but it looks ugly, and turns into a dinosaur egg; one egg is male, and his wife is having sex with other eggs outside. As a result, he turned into a bastard; an egg...
29: The host asked: Can cats climb trees? The eagle answered: Yes! The host: Give an example! The eagle was in tears: That year, I After falling asleep, the cat climbed up the tree...and then there were owls...
30: Two dung beetles discussed the welfare lottery. A said: If I want to win the jackpot, I will buy all the toilets within 50 miles. Come down and eat enough every day! B said: You are so vulgar! If I win the jackpot, I will save a living person and eat fresh food every day!
31: why the chicken cross the street
Answer to get another side
32: A: What is that person doing?
B: He is shaking.
A: Why is he shivering?
B: He is cold.
A: Oh, it turns out that you won’t be cold if you tremble.
A:...
33: There was a Mr. Banana who was on a date with his girlfriend. They were walking on the street. The weather was very hot. Mr. Banana took off his clothes. After that, his My girlfriend fell down...
34: A sausage was locked in the refrigerator
I felt very cold, and then I looked at the other sausage next to me, which gave me some comfort. , said: "Look at you frozen like this, your whole body is covered with ice!" As a result, the root said: "I'm sorry, I am a popsicle."
35: Once upon a time, there was a marshmallow who went to play ball. After playing for a long time, he said: I am so tired. I feel like my whole body has softened...
36: This diver’s movement was very difficult. He made a turn A three-week body flip followed by a front somersault, a three-and-a-half-week body flip followed by a back somersault for one month.
37: MM got lost looking for college. Met a gentle professor.
MM: Excuse me, how can I go to university?
Professor: Only by studying hard can I go to university.
38: The director and the section chief *** were riding in the elevator. The director farted and said to the section chief: You farted! The section chief said: I didn’t do it... The section chief was dismissed soon after, and the section chief was They said at the meeting: You can’t even take on big things, so what’s the use of you?
39: Miss: It’s hard to do business now!
Boss: Why?
p>Miss: "Bird flu..."
40: A woman encountered a robber and trembled: "I am from XX school. I just graduated. I haven't found a job. I really have no money. ..."
After hearing this, the robber cried bitterly, "Sister, I am also from XX school. Please take your student ID card. The one who robbed you in front is still from XX school. Don't worry, Allah will never rob you. Man!"
41: I wanted to have sex with my girlfriend, but she said I couldn't do it without taking a shower. She promised that it was cold and she could wash "part of it". After washing, my girlfriend was very shy and said: "My dear, you are so lazy, use it. Where to wash..." I fainted after hearing this, I just brushed my teeth~~~ (a very taboo joke)
42: A blind beggar was begging on the street wearing sunglasses.
A drunk man came over and felt sorry for him, so he threw a hundred yuan to him. [AD: Ask an expert to help you design the photo
After walking for a while, the drunk man turned around and happened to see the blind man facing the sun to tell whether the hundred-yuan bill was authentic or fake.
The drunk man came over and took back the money and said: "You fucking don't want to live anymore, how dare you lie to me!"
The blind beggar looked aggrieved and said: "Brother, I'm so sorry. I'm here to check it out for a friend who is blind and went to the toilet. In fact, I am mute."
"Oh, that's it," so the drunk man threw down the money and shook it again. Staggering away...
43: Bird flu - it's all caused by "heaven's shit"!!!
There are two types of people who are extremely likely to get bird flu. ——1. "Beasts"; 2. People who are "worse than animals"...
44: A: Hey, how did you learn to smoke?
B: I learned from Adam It became clear when Eve ate the forbidden fruit~
C: Do you know why Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit?
AB: I don’t know!
Ming Dynasty literati Shen Shitian once received a box of gifts from a friend with a letter attached. The letter said: "I respect Pipa, and I hope you will receive it." He opened the box and saw a box of fresh loquats. Shen Shitian couldn't help laughing, and wrote back to his friend: "I accept the pipa, open the lián and look at it: listening to it is silent, eating it is delicious." When the friend saw the letter, he was very ashamed, so he wrote a limerick to satirize himself: " The loquat is not the pipa. I just blame poor literacy back then. If the pipa could bear fruit, the flute would bloom all over the city. "Loquat and pipa have the same pronunciation but different meanings. Zhang Guanli Dai, a friend of Shen Shitian, made a joke.
(1)
On New Year's Day, our family went to the History Museum to visit the "Ice Toilet"...
Teacher Comment: Is there such a thing? I want to go too! (Terracotta Warriors and Horses)
(2) Original version: I am not Huang Rong, I don’t know martial arts ------lt; I am not Huang Ronggt; Wang Rong
Reprint: I am not a locust, I am Can't Centipede
Question: Horrible... Could it be filming "A Bug's Life"