1, dating my girlfriend, I saw someone in front who looked like my girlfriend, so I went up and patted her ass. She slapped me as soon as she turned her head. Then someone patted me on the shoulder … my girlfriend slapped me as soon as I turned my head.

2, military training station posture, legs are very sour, instructors let everyone think of something beautiful. After a while, the person next to me said: I am hard!

3. I went to a friend's house to play. It happened that my friend's wife was breastfeeding (breast milk), and it happened that the child refused to breastfeed. So he joked to the child: eat quickly, or uncle will eat. 55555, I dare not see them.

4. At the time of school, the school was a bungalow. When school started in September, many new students came. One day, a freshman seemed to be a class representative with a pile of homework and asked me, "Where is the math office?" "Next to the men's room." The math office is really next to the men's room, but on the left. The man went to the right side of the men's room and shouted "report" to the door. There was a voice "No entry" from inside!

5, one day drunk, urine to urinate. Open the zipper in front of the urinal, hold JJ, and then solve it very smoothly. However. . I feel more and more wet in my crotch. . . When I opened my eyes and looked down carefully, I found that I had just held the thumb of the other hand. . . . . Silent. .

6. I remember going to college at that time and living apart from my boyfriend. I usually keep in touch with my mobile phone every day. One day, I called his cell phone and stopped. I happened to go downstairs to the grocery store to buy something, so I charged him 20 yuan by the way. Unexpectedly, just back to the dormitory, my boyfriend's phone came. He said: haha, I didn't expect that there was such an XB person in the world who charged his phone bill to his mobile phone ... I immediately hung three black lines on my head. ...

7, drunk, dizzy to go home, go home soon threw up. The next morning, my wife said: Eat and drink when you eat out, so don't come home to report what you have eaten.

8. In senior three, our history teacher was called Jianwen. There was a Emperor Jianwen in the Ming Dynasty. One day in Ancient History, the history teacher came into the classroom and said "class". The following students shouted "Long live my emperor" in unison (of course, it was planned in advance). What is tough is that the history teacher calmly replied: "Everyone loves Qing ~ stand up." Orz~ sorry ~ ~ At this time, the whole class is still standing. ....

9. In the first aid class in college, the professor gave a demonstration while talking: Professor: Press the chest with both hands, not too hard, just press 2~3cm, it is easy to break the patient's costal bone if the strength is too strong! Professor: Let's see the demonstration (press your hands hard). Click! The model's ribs are broken. Embarrassed to say, class is over ~

10, go to my boyfriend's house for the night, take a shower, and use it when you see a bar of soap. I felt strange when I used it. Later, after washing, my boyfriend kissed me. When I smelled something wrong, I asked, "You didn't use soap to bathe Laifu, did you?"

1 1, my wife looked at the photo of my little nephew not long after he was born, and laughed' Look, there is still a little penis'. As a result, my little nephew coldly threw him the word' rogue'.

12, last night, with my wife * *, she was lying on the table, in progress, only to see her hand touch the table twice, and even picked up a walnut and began to bite. I broke down and said, Wife, we only do it once a week, can you be professional?

13, I suddenly received a phone call that day: "Guess who I am? Guess there is a gift! " I guessed all the possible people, and it was not right. Later, I got angry and asked, "Who the hell are you? Don't say I hung up! " As a result, the man said, "I am a courier, and you have a package ..." I vomited blood at that time.

14, advice when least heeded! 1 If you are a man, please don't have a dog. 2. If you have a dog, don't have a dog that can jump into bed. 3. If your dog can jump into bed, you should never sleep naked. 4. If you really like sleeping naked, don't raise a dog with sausage. 5, a lesson from the past ~ ~ ~, mopper should remember!

15. Is this photo of yourself? It's beautiful. It saved me a lot of money. I don't have to eat this year.

16, I passed a street that day, and found that the street was full of stops in princesa. One of them greeted me warmly: "Handsome boy, come and play ~" I shouted at her in a rough voice: "I like men!" So she didn't bother to look at me again and left without looking back. Actually, I'm telling the truth. I do like men. I was wearing a sun hat, sunglasses and jeans that day. I am taller. I cut off my long hair because it was too hot in summer. More importantly, it seems that I have to get breast enhancement ...

17. Today, I went to dinner with my colleagues after work. We ordered a plate of scrambled eggs with Chili peppers and found a hair in it. Then my colleagues picked up the hair with chopsticks and shouted, Boss ~ ~ What is this? When the boss saw it, he shouted, Come on! Change a pair of chopsticks for this lady.

18, Fetion sent a text message to her boyfriend, and the result was sent to a fellow villager who had a good relationship. It said, "Husband, don't worry, my aunt is coming …"

19. After finishing physical education class in the morning, I was so hungry that I ran to the restaurant to eat. There were many people, it was too crowded and chaotic, so I shouted to the aunt who cooked rice, "Hurry up!" Aunt shouted to the cook inside, "Hurry up inside! Beggars are impatient. "

20. Visiting the supermarket, I saw a cashier carefully counting a pile of coins and a child running by, singing as he ran: There are a group of ducks passing by the bridge in front of the door, come and count them quickly, 24678. . . . Then the cashier was very depressed and poured the half-counted coins back and counted them again. ....

2 1 When I was in grade five or six in primary school, I watched TV at my cousin's house one night. Watch CCTV-6. When it comes to the sex scene, my aunt will change the channel with the remote control and say, children can't watch this. The younger brother grabbed the remote control and shouted, Don't worry, CCTV won't take it off. 22. Once I was playing with a classmate's computer, I found a folder full of * * * movies downloaded from the Internet. On a whim, I set one of the pictures as a desktop for him, and then I waited for him to come back and turn on the computer. Unexpectedly, I never came back. Later, I was hungry, so I went out to eat. When I came back, I found that his computer was gone. After half an hour, I saw him carrying the computer and eating shit. It turned out that he was.

23. My wife bought new clothes and couldn't wait to put them on. She took a selfie in front of the mirror in the bathroom, and then posted it on the Internet to show off. Today, I found that there was a mirror with me sitting naked in the toilet and going to the toilet. . . . .

24. My wife and I went to the Reclining Buddha Temple to play. My wife couldn't walk on the road, so I carried her. An old woman saw it and said seriously, Look, you are a scholar, too. It's useless to go to the hospital early if your wife is sick.

25, get off the carport to get the car, see no one around, it is very heroic to put a P, resulting in a loud noise of the electric motorcycle burglar alarm next door.

26. My QQ pet died (named Baobao), and then my mood in QQ space was updated to: In memory of my baby, my fellow villager saw me and thought I had an abortion, and told her mother, who told my mother. As a result, my parents didn't answer my phone now, so they called in with another number and hung up as soon as they heard my voice.

27. My parents said that when I was young, I lived in a hotel with them. When I got up in the morning, they found that I brushed my teeth with a toothbrush cleverly. The problem was that the washbasin in the hotel was higher than mine, so they asked me how to fill it with water. I took them into the toilet and pointed to the toilet ...

28. I had dinner with my friends the day before yesterday. As a result, I drank too much and slipped out of the restaurant to vomit. I was holding a car next to me. Unexpectedly, a policeman came. "Drive away, this is a no-parking area!" Because of nausea don't want to talk with the wave, "what's the matter? Drink? " I pulled out my walkie-talkie and called a tow truck. Seeing the car being dragged further and further, "Sick! It's not my car, how to drive it! ？”

29, kitten high school language simulation test, I heard that the highest score of the version of this test was 139 (full score 150) before the test was issued. At that time, I yelled, MD, is it a person? The test is so high, and the test paper was handed down and found to be my own. ....

30. In the evening, the supermarket bought a quick-frozen jiaozi promotion mm to greet me warmly and dragged me over: Try it! ! Alas, it's very kind of you to refuse. When I ate a chew, the promotion mm kept staring at me. When I finished eating, she seriously asked: Is it cooked? I'll pick it up when it's ripe .....

3 1, GF went on a business trip and told me to buy a sexy pajamas. I said I miss you. Send me a recent photo. Ask me if I'm wearing a photo or taking it off? Great joy! Busy answer: take off the photo! Take off your photo! The next day, a photo of sexy pajamas hanging on a stool came from the mailbox. ....

32. The kitten had a friend who shared a room with a * *. One night, she was very depressed, and then the * * cooked a bowl of noodles for her thoughtfully. She felt very warm and said,' Let's just make do with it.' I didn't expect * * to say,' You don't have a man, but I do!' "

33. Sitting on the bus this morning, a mother and daughter behind me were talking. Her mother was testing her and said, "We have 20 apples at home. You ate five. How many are there?" The little girl thought for a while and said, "15." After a while, the little girl said to her mother, "Mom, I also have a question for you. I have ten fingers. My father chopped me two, and the teacher chopped me one. How many fingers do I have?" ....

34. Last time I went to a restaurant for dinner, I talked with my friends about shooting short films. My friend insisted on making a film for 30 minutes, but I insisted that 10 minutes was enough. At some point, the chicken began to freeze. I stood up on striking table and shouted, "What's wrong with being short?"? What's wrong with being short? This thing depends on technology! " Then I feel that people around me are casting pity eyes. ...

35. I once waited for my friend at the bus stop, which happened to be next to the traffic lights, so I stood there and waited. The sidewalk turned red when it was green. At this moment, a 60-year-old grandmother rushed out, and the taxi that was coming to the grandmother braked suddenly. The driver was very angry and put his head out of the window and scolded: "Grandma, I want to die, and suddenly rushed out, saying, You." The old woman immediately replied, "Is it true? Young man, don't coax grandma to be happy! " The people standing on the bus platform are dizzy ~ ~ ~

36. In middle school, the physics teacher gave a lecture. triboelectricity said: We take off our sweaters in winter. Sweaters creak. And lightning. But not in summer. Why? Boy in the back: Because I don't wear sweaters in summer.

37. We used to have a baby (male) in our dormitory, who was honest and a little stupid, and sometimes silly and cute. Once after the lights went out at night, everyone was chatting again, and he said, when I have money, I will find three girls. We were stirred up by him, and asked him what happened next, but he calmly said, playing mahjong …