hilarious:

1 An old man went to buy tomatoes and picked three. The stall owner weighed them and said, 1.5 Jin, 3.7 yuan. Grandpa said, "just make a soup, you don't need so much." After that, I removed the biggest tomato. The vendor quickly glanced at the scales again. "Two taels a catty, three pieces. Just when I couldn't look past and wanted to remind my uncle to pay attention to the scales of the stall owner, he calmly took out 71 cents, picked up the big tomato that had just been removed, and turned away.

2 On the cliff, a little mouse waved its short front paws and jumped down again and again, trying to learn to fly. The mother bat next to it watched it fall and was worried and said, Dad, don't tell it, it's not our own!

3 The Journey to the West: Born in a bad family, it is difficult to become a Buddha. A Dream of Red Mansions: Being born in a bad family makes it difficult to get married. Outlaws of the Marsh: Born in a bad family, it is difficult to be an official. Romance of the Three Kingdoms: Born in a bad family, it is difficult to start a business!

4 I am very careful. Whenever my wife and I argue, I always let the children go for a walk. Now all my children are in good health!

5 A woman had her right index finger pinched off while riding in a car. She wants to sue and claim 1 million yuan from the car company. The lawyer said to her, "I'm afraid one finger can't claim that much." The woman growled, "My finger is used to command my husband."

6 A farmer's daughter is too ugly to get married! The farmer had to let her go to the cornfield as a scarecrow to scare crows. As a result, when she got there, she really scared away the crows! A few days later, the crow sent back the corn he had stolen before!

7 Now the songs are contradictory. For example, honey, fly slowly, and be careful of the thorny roses in front. (You are fucking blind! Fly to the thorn) My family lives on the Songhua River (either the left side of the river or the right side, and that's the tortoise who lives above his mother). I'll send you away, thousands of miles away (why don't you fucking learn from the scriptures! )

8 I have a plmm in my department, and once I want to take her for an experiment, I have an appointment to do it after work. . . I forgot to surf the Internet in the afternoon, and when I got off work, I suddenly received a short message from mm: Do you want to do it or not? I looked blank and my heart was pounding. . . Asked: what to do? Mm loudly said: just do that, hurry up. . . I'm in a hurry! Pull for a moment, everyone is quiet, and then laugh wildly.

9 When the cow was running, she saw a cow grazing on the roadside and said to the cow eagerly, "Run, the expert is coming." Cow: "What are you afraid of when experts come? Aren't experts human?" Bull: "Experts brag B now." The cow was frightened when she heard this, so Huan Zi ran and asked the bull: "Experts brag B, you are a bull. What are you afraid of?" The bull said, "You really don't know. Nowadays, experts not only brag about B, but also talk about eggs ...

11 One day, the pig said to the bear," Guess how many sweets I have in my pocket? " The bear said, "Guess right, will you give it to me?" The pig must nod: "Well, I'll give you both if I guess right!" " The bear swallowed and said, "I guess there are five pieces."

Leng:

1 Xiaobai looks like his brother. Do you know why? Because: it's really like Dabai.

2 A polar bear stood alone in a daze on the ice. He was really bored and began to pull out his own fur. One … two … three … finally, there was not one left. Suddenly, he shouted ……………… how cold it is! ! ...........................

3 There was a man who looked like an onion and cried when he walked.

4 On a hot summer day, two bananas were walking on the road. The banana in front suddenly felt so hot. He said, It's so hot, I'm going to take off my clothes. As a result, he peeled off the skin. As a result, the banana behind fell down.

5 There is a hide-and-seek club, and its leader has not been found yet.

6 Put a V with two fingers. What is it? Yeah ~ ~ Hands shaking and stretching down, what is it? It's fallen leaves! Ha ha ha, laughing me to death

7 Give me four fingers, what is it? FOUR, bend four fingers. What is it? WONDERFUL~！

8 Once upon a time, a loaf of bread was walking in the street. He felt hungry, so he ate himself. Once upon a time, a marshmallow went to play ball for a long time. He said, "I'm so tired, I think I'm all soft."

Ancient times:

1 Emperor: Mammy Rong, why do you make things difficult for Swallow and Ziwei in every way! What are your motives, you lowly slave? Sister Rong knelt on the ground and said with tears in her eyes, Your Majesty, you only remember Xia Yuhe, the boating sister Rong, by the Daming Lake. Do you remember that?

2 Lu Su in the straw boat: "Is it really possible to borrow arrows in this way? Mr. Kong Ming? " Zhuge Liang: "Trust me." Lu Su: "But I'm still a little worried ..." Zhuge Liang: "It's not necessary." Lu Su: "But don't you think it's getting hotter and hotter in the boat?" Zhuge Liang: "It's a little inconvenient to say so … is there anything wrong?" Lu Su: "Yes, I'm afraid the enemy is shooting rockets ..." Zhuge Liang: "Hey! ? Zi Jing, can you swim? I won't ... "

3 Soldiers:" Thirst ... Thirst ... "Cao Cao:" Hold on a little longer! I have been to this place before, and I remember that there is a piece of Meilin nearby, and it may be there after a while. Soldiers: Oh! There are plums to eat! Oh! " Half an hour later-Coss: "Master! The expedition found a lot of water! " Cao Cao: "Ha ha ha ha, did you hear that? Finally, there is water to drink! " Soldiers: "Don't go ... you must find Plum ..."

4 The Story Of Diu Sim: "..." Dong Zhuo: "..." Lyu3 bu4: "I just want to hear your truth, which of us do you love more! ？” The Story Of Diu Sim: Dong Zhuo: Lu Bu: Answer me! Dong Zhuo: "It's really hard to decide … both of them like it …" Lyu3 bu4: "Scum! ！” According to the examination, the first case of BL murder in China history occurred in the late Eastern Han Dynasty ... < P > 5 One day, Zorro went to his mistress's house to have a tryst with her mistress. The mistress asked Zorro, "What if my husband comes back?" Zorro said, "It's all right. If your husband comes back, I'll jump out of the window and my horse will pick me up below." The mistress said, if I hear three knocks at the door, my husband is back. Zorro said: I see. After a while, it rained. Suddenly there were three knocks at the door: knock, knock, knock. It was late, but it was soon. Zorro flew out of bed and jumped out of the window in a blink of an eye. When the mistress saw that Zorro had left, she went to open the door. I saw a horse standing in front of the door and said to her, "Tell Zorro that it's raining outside and I'll wait for him in the corridor."

6 A companion who has a family member and a wife who dotes on his master asks him privately, and replies, "Your appearance is really different." Asked why, he replied, "Egg bags are all soft."

7 When the night watchman saw that the door keeper stood up at night, he asked piteously, "When you grow up, how can you be a doorman and serve him in the morning and evening?" The door god said, "Out of helplessness." Said, "But is there any food to eat?" Answer: "If he wants to eat, he doesn't want me to come to the door."

8. He was conceited, and lost three games in a row. The next day, people asked him, "How many chess games were played yesterday?" Answer: "Three innings." Ask again: "What is the outcome?" He said, "I didn't win the first game, he didn't lose the second game, and we wanted to draw the third game, but he refused."

9 The official ordered the Taoist priest to pray for rain for a long time, blaming his unclean body and blasphemy, which led to this. It is the best way to arrest the trail and ban the prison, so that it can't be touched. A few days later, the jailer asked, "How can it rain when the old Taoist priest prayed for rain and the young Taoist priest prayed for sunshine?" When the official asked why, the jailer said, "He said in prison,' I hope it won't rain all my life, so that we won't have to endure pain every night." "

SMS:

1 I don't want much, a glass of water, a piece of bread, a sentence I love you; If it's extravagant, I hope: you poured the water by yourself, cut the bread by yourself, and you told me that I love you ...

2 Once upon a time, Apple and Pear were good friends, but later Apple was moving, so they met for ten years and returned to this place. Ten years later, Apple returned to this place again, but after a long time, Pear still didn't appear, and Apple waited. . .

3 "I was not a virgin on my wedding day and refused to get married. Is this still a man? I have been in love for more than 1 years. Because I work in two places, I gather less and leave more. But we got along well with each other and decided to get married in January this year. But when I found out that I was not a virgin, I refused to marry me. May I ask, are there really so many men with virgin plots now? Is it still so important? " Violent reply: who pollutes, who governs, who handles, who is responsible. . .

4 If a good cook wants to cook a delicious pot of jiaozi, he can certainly cook it. The problem is that when the purser told him that jiaozi needs to reflect the spirit of the kitchen, the manager told him that jiaozi needs to reflect the style of the hotel, the street director told him that jiaozi needs to reflect the characteristics of the street, the district chief told him that jiaozi needs to reflect the planning of the district, and the mayor told him that jiaozi needs to reflect the development of the city, the tragedy happened.

5,1, The Red Chamber: Most of them are women; Water Margin: Most of them are men; Westward Journey: Most of them are not people; Three Kingdoms: Most of them are people. 2, the red building: Shantou has a thick skin; Water Margin: The imperial court is thick-skinned; Three kingdoms: the military adviser is thick-skinned; Westward Journey: Immortals are thick-skinned. 3. Westward Journey: Monkey Brother saves me; The Red Chamber: Sister saves me; Water Margin: Uncle saves me; Three kingdoms: the strategist saved me.

6 Lori is planted in the hands of uncle, uncle in the hands of royal elder sister, royal elder sister in the hands of Zhengtai, and Zhengtai in the hands of the queen. The queen depends on her mood, not necessarily where she is planted. In a word, all women who transform transformers have innocent girl's side. . .