. There was a polar bear playing with a penguin. The penguin pulled off his hair one by one. After pulling it out, he said to the polar bear, "It's so cold! "When the polar bear heard this, he pulled off his hair one by one and turned to the penguin and said," It's really cold! "
2. Xiaoming lost a leg in a car accident,
Xiaoming lost another leg in a car accident,
Xiaoming lost his other leg in another car accident,
Xiaoming lost his leg in another car accident,
Xiaoming is actually a dog.
3. One day, cabbage was walking in the street.
4. A steamed stuffed bun was walking on the road, and felt very hungry, so he ate himself.
5. Xiaoming and Xiaohong are deskmates. One day, Xiaoming borrowed a pen from Xiaohong.
Xiaohong said, "Don't borrow it"
"Lend it to me and you will die!"
Then Xiaohong said, "Oh, I'll lend it to you."
When Xiaoming returned the pen to Xiaohong, Xiaohong really died.
6. Once upon a time, there was a lamb. One day, he went out to play and met the wolf. The wolf said, "I want to eat you!" ! ！”
guess what?
As a result, the wolf ate the lamb.
7. Bug: Xiaohua, did you use my pencil?
Xiaohua: No, I'm useless.
Bug: Are you really useless?
Xiaohua: I'm so useless!
Bug: Alas, you are the 17th person to admit that you are useless
8. When will Taiwan Province want reunification?
When buying instant noodles
13. One day Xiaoqiang asked his father, "Dad, am I a stupid boy?" Dad said, "Silly boy, how can you be a silly boy?"
14. A medium-rare steak and a medium-rare steak met in the street. Why didn't they say hello? (assuming they can talk)
Because ... they are all strangers ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
15. Devil: God, can I be reincarnated?
god: yes.
devil: I don't want to be a devil anymore. I want to be as white as an angel and have wings, but I still want to suck blood.
God: Well, you can be reborn as a nurse.
16. One day, a man met God.
God suddenly showed great kindness and planned to give that man a wish.
God asked: Do you have any wishes?
The man thought for a moment and said, I heard that cats have nine lives, so please give me nine lives!
god said: your wish has come true!
One day, the man was idle and bored.
He wanted to say die. Anyway, there were nine lives.
He was lying on the railroad track.
As a result, a train passed by.
The man still died.
Why?
Because there are 11 cars in that train.
17. Xiaoming owes 211,111 yuan to the underground bank, and he begged him to give it a few more days.
The people in the bank said, "Be sure to pay it back tomorrow, or else ..., chop off two fingers;
if the day after tomorrow ..., chop 4 more; On the third day ... "
Xiao Ming:" Don't you have to pay it back "
People in the bank:" NO, you will become a tinker bell then.
18. One day, the little white rabbit skipped to the vegetable market.
Ask the stall owner: Boss, do you have any carrots?
the stall owner replied: I'm sorry. There aren't so many ...
So the little white rabbit left dejected and despondent.
The next day, the little white rabbit skipped to the vegetable market again.
Ask the stall owner: Boss, do you have any carrots?
The stall owner replied: Sorry, there are still not so many ...
So the little white rabbit left dejectedly again.
On the third day, the little white rabbit skipped to the market again.
Ask the stall owner: Boss, do you have any carrots?
a: yes, yes, today!
So the little white rabbit clapped his hands happily and shouted, Great! I want two! ! !
19. There was a man who had a bad stomach. One day, he went to the Stomach Hospital to see a doctor and said to the doctor, "I pull whatever I eat, eat watermelon and pull cucumber!" The doctor thought about it and said to him, "I think you have to eat shit!" "
21. Three small animals are chatting in the forest. Piggy said: Nicknames are popular now, so you can call me piggy later. Rabbit said: ok, then I will be called rabbit rabbit. The chicken looked unhappy and said, I have something to do. I left first
21. I went to the hospital alone. The doctor said, you have to have a blood test, a urine test and a stool test.
After a while, he came back and said to the doctor, I have swallowed my blood and urine, but I really can't swallow my stool.
Responder: Chen. There are as many people above 81 points as there are people above 71 points. "
After a joke, the whole class cheered, and a classmate asked," So ... how about the number of people who failed? "
The teacher answered easily: there are as many people who failed as the whole class.
Smiling at Jiuquan
Once, in Chinese class, the teacher wanted to know the Chinese level of this overseas Chinese student.
"Can you say an idiom to describe a person who is very happy?
The Chinese teacher gave a question and said, "However, it is better to have a number in this idiom,
for example, one, two, three, four ..."
The overseas Chinese student thought for a moment and said happily,
I see, "Nine Springs with a smile"!
ha! What a "smiling Jiuquan"! The whole class burst into laughter, and the old Chinese teacher, < P >, almost fainted.
English
Once I was tutoring a junior high school child, I found the following horrible words in his English textbook:
Dad died (bus )
Grandpa died (yes )
Brother died (girls)
Sister died (Mis? )
...
School
Euphemism
Professor is in an ethics class. He tells his classmates how to remind others of some embarrassing things.
"For example, if you see a girl with grass clippings on her ass, you should politely
say,' Girl, you have grass clippings on your shoulders'. The girl looks over her shoulders. "
African wild boar
The biology teacher was describing the appearance of African wild boar on the stage with great interest.
Occasionally, she glanced off the stage and found that most students were dozing off. So he was furious and shouted, "Look at me! Don't look at me, how do you know what
African wild boar looks like? "
Philosophy Department
A certain gentleman graduated from the philosophy department of an auxiliary university. After graduation, he couldn't find a job and has been unemployed at home. One day,
a college classmate introduced him to work in Mucha Zoo, and he went happily. It turned out that there was a
tiger in the zoo who was temporarily ill and sent to the hospital. He was asked to put on tiger skin for a while. He thought that no one could tell it was him anyway, so Yu
agreed. After putting on the tiger skin and entering the cage, he walked around dutifully to install the tiger. Not long after the cage was opened, another tiger came in, and he was so scared that he kept retreating to the corner. And the tiger kept approaching him ...
... when he finally retreated to no way back, the tiger spoke ...
"Don't be afraid, man! I'm from the philosophy department of National Taiwan University! "
Be concise and to the point
My deskmate in middle school is famous for being concise and to the point. One day, there was a group meeting in the class, which was unbearable.
finally, I asked everyone what their opinions were. When asked about him, he replied, "I have to pee." . ?
Couplets
Teacher Guo Wen explained couplets on the stage, for example: "In the past, a newspaper publicly asked for the next couplet of" Nantong
North Tongzhou, North Tongzhou, North Tongzhou, South Tongzhou, and North Tongzhou ",and as a result, many letters were submitted, and one sentence was very correct, that is," East pawnshop, west pawnshop, east pawnshop, and things pawnshop ". At this moment, a naughty student
suddenly cried, "Boys, girls, boys and girls have boys and girls.
polygraph
Dad has a polygraph. He asked Dehua, "How did you do in math today?"
Dehua replied: "A" polygraph rang!
Dehua said, "B" machine is ringing, too!
Dehua said again: "C" machine is ringing again!
my father shouted angrily, "I used to get an A!"
at this moment, the polygraph machine turned over!
Checking calculation
An invigilator is staring at a student throwing dice in a puzzled way. Strangely ...
The student threw the same question several times ...
So he asked the student why?
The student replied helplessly: Is it too difficult to check?
Professor
"I brought a frog today," the professor of zoology said to the students. "I just caught it from a pond. In this class, we are going to dissect frogs. "
He took out a paper box and opened it carefully. There is a ham sandwich in the box.
"Strange," the professor was very surprised. "I clearly remember having lunch.
Sleeping
One night, a boy's dormitory slept until three o'clock in the morning and suddenly wanted to discuss a question: "What should I say first when I meet a beautiful girl?" A gentleman woke up from a dream and said, "Stop talking, let's go to sleep!"
Cheating
"Polonius was fired for cheating."
"What's the matter? "
" In the physical health examination, he counted his ribs, and the result was found. "
Teacher Tsinghua
A young teacher in Tsinghua loved mahjong. Once, he played all night. He had a class at 7: 41 the next morning. He got off the mahjong table at 7: 31 and hurried to the four teachers' class. It happened that the student on duty didn't clean the blackboard. ......
This is a Chinese class. When talking about new words, the teacher picked up a piece of chalk and wrote "China" on the blackboard.
Then he said, "Look at the whiteboard, students. There is a red Chinese on it."
Taste
The Chinese teacher found that Zhang San was sleeping in class and was angry, so she woke Zhang San up and asked: How do you sleep in class?
However, Zhang San refused to sleep.
Zhang San: I didn't sleep.
teacher: then why do you close your eyes?
Zhang San: Teacher, I am reciting the text silently.
the teacher didn't believe me and said, then why do you nod?
Zhang San: Teacher, your lecture is very good.
The teacher still didn't believe me and said, Then why are you drooling?
Zhang San: Teacher, your class is very interesting.
Do a good deed every day
The teacher asked two students, "Did you do a good deed every day today?"
two students answered in unison: "Yes!
The teacher asked, "What did you do?
Student: We helped an old lady cross the street.
Teacher: Well, it's good, but why do you need two people to help an old lady cross the street?
student: "Because the old lady didn't want to cross the road.
I see.
During the annual school trip, boys and girls in junior high schools always come to play separately because of their different interests. Girls walk around in bathing suits, showing themselves and enjoying the sunshine. The boy rolled up his trousers and caught
small fish in the water.
A teacher who looked after these children lamented, "I don't remember whether girls were so mature when I was in junior high school."
"Of course, but you were busy catching small fish!" " Another teacher said dryly.
In class, a classmate is reading cartoons.
The teacher found out and asked, What are you doing?
"I'm looking for something. "
" What are you looking for?
look, look ...
The classmate next to me replied: Make excuses.
History teacher: Why did you leave early?
ba Li: I have an important appointment.
history teacher: which is more important, history or girlfriend?
ba Li: if I'm late again, she will become history! ! !
History teacher: @ # # $%
Surface tension
Two biochemists were sitting in front of the laboratory drinking coffee, and a beautiful woman walked by.
Seeing the look of dementia on his colleague's face, the older biochemist said,
Like us, she is more than 75% water.
My colleague still looked stupid and said, Yes, but look at the surface tension!
Team coach
This is what my professor told us. He used to teach in the United States. Some team students have never studied, but they also
want to graduate from college, and then they can enter the professional basketball team to play nba. After retirement, they often return to their alma mater as team coaches.
there is a student (let's just call him Jordan) who is going to graduate, but calculus can't pass anyway. He can't graduate and play nb
a! So he asked his coach, who is also the coach of the school team, to help him plead.
Coach: "Professor, please make sure that Jordan can live. The nba has been waiting for him for a long time!
professor: "all right! Since the coaches have come to intercede, I will give you one last chance. "
" What is one plus one?
Jordan immediately replied without thinking: "Two"
Coach: "Professor, please give him another chance!
remember to brush your teeth! !
One day in the biological experiment, I observed my saliva cells, looked at them with a microscope and recorded them. Just as everyone was observing and studying happily, there was a scream. Ah ~ it was originally sent by the beautiful teaching assistant ... The professor thought that
something had happened, so he ran over to have a look at her microscope. After that, he told her: Remember to brush your teeth
and rinse your mouth next time you finish your work! !
sex education
someday. Xiao Ming came home from class very sadly.
Mom asked Xiaoming: What happened?
Xiaoming replied, everyone in the class knows where he comes from. But I didn't even know
that my mother thought it was time to tell Xiaoming about things between men and women, and do a correct sex education by the way
My mother began to tell Xiaoming that boys fell in love with girls. Then get married … also mentioned how sperm met eggs
Mother told Xiaoming everything she knew.
when mom finishes satisfactory teaching.
Xiao Ming is still at a loss. Look at mom. With a few tears in her eyes, she said,
Xiaohua said he came from Yilan. But I still don't know where I'm from after all my mom's talk.
In class, a teacher introduced the Japanese surname habit to students.
She said, "If a Japanese name has the word' Taro', he must be the eldest son, and if his name has the word' Jiro', he must be the second son ... Next, who can name a Japanese with this name?"
A student stood up and answered loudly:
Teacher Isoroku Yamamoto was giving a lecture on it when a little boy raised his hand and said, "Teacher,