If you want to threaten her and make her look like a different person, that's impossible.
In my opinion, your mother is a person who is loyal to nature and full of childlike innocence. She has an opposite personality that you have never seen before. If you want to change her, you must be prepared.
Here are some things that will help you understand her behavior:
Your mother is a typical pre-conscious, and acts according to the dichotomy of "we-them". It is this person who is either good or bad, or "friend" or "enemy". This stereotype is a typical feature of the primary nervous system.
Another feature of the primary nervous system is simple generalization. Just like a person who is afraid of snakes can't tell a rattlesnake from a non-venomous snake, he will scream in horror whenever he sees a snake-because his pre-consciousness makes him react in110 seconds.
Simply put, the advanced nervous system is responsible for regulating the information received by people. For example, if someone bothers you and you want to hit him, this is the role of the primary nervous system. But if you think there are other solutions to the contradiction, then calm down and communicate with it. This is the function of the advanced nervous system.
After 10 thousand years of evolution, human beings have formed the primary nervous system. In ancient times, this system can help people avoid disasters or attacks in time, thus enhancing the chances of human survival and reproduction. Modern people's life depends not on this instinct, but on "meaning". Just as you learn so much knowledge to have a good future, these meanings give you the motivation to act.
Usually, people's advanced nervous system will be fully developed by the age of 20, but some people aged 13 are more rational than those in their twenties. Because in this busy modern world, people are used to relying on the rapid response of the primary nervous system when judging things.
So she immediately jumped out against the person you were with. Her primary nervous system classifies your friends as "them". She doesn't think it's personal, but they are summarized as "useless". Then her negative emotions drove her to make an aggressive refusal reaction.
This "we-they" way of thinking will dehumanize each other, and any kind of behavior is possible, which will also lead to the weakening of sympathy.
This stereotype is hard to change. She has a "hatred" complex for those who have poor academic performance and have been muddling along in society for a long time.
Mom may be angry about what you have learned, but it is not hatred. Anger is selective, but hatred is usually blind and accompanied by fear.
In addition, if this kind of behavior keeps happening, the situation is getting worse and worse, and you are forced into a dilemma, then a quarrel will break out. If you describe those friends with words like "Look who they are", it is likely to arouse your self-hatred-"I don't know how to grasp interpersonal relationships in her eyes". In fact, it is your manic performance of hitting the wall everywhere, and "even the people closest to you can't handle the relationship well" and "Oh, ridiculous!" This contemptuous tone is a sign of self-hatred. And self-hatred is the beginning of more contradictions and hatred.
It is a wise decision for you to solve this problem now. Because you haven't completely classified your mother as "them", you haven't abandoned those friends who have no higher education. You are still looking for opportunities for communication and consultation, and you are still looking for justice that belongs to your friends. You can feel their situation, at the same time, you can think deeply and have an objective view of your change. You are just the kind of person that is most needed in the world now.
The most fundamental way to deal with the contradiction between you and your mother is to change her dual thinking orientation from "we-them" to "we-us". Let her feel your feelings from your point of view. Of course, the premise is that you also have this "we-we" way of thinking.
The following are my considerations:
First, establish a "we-us" relationship through encouraging words.
First of all, don't arbitrarily classify your mother as "them" just because she didn't cut the perfect peach, didn't do well, or rejected your friends. Put yourself in her shoes, even if she is someone you hate. Let's do the simplest Socratic question-this is also a common method in psychology. Through a series of why, we can find out the root cause of the problem:
Why is she not enthusiastic about food-because she is not interested in cooking-why is she not interested in cooking-because her family thinks her cooking is terrible-why is her cooking terrible-because she has not learned cooking methods well-why is she not encouraged to learn cooking-why is she not encouraged to learn cooking-because everyone thinks she has no talent for cooking.
In fact, the reaction between you and dad really proves that you don't have any hope for it. From this, she will think that even if she does it, it will have no effect, so she will do it hastily.
Everyone has the ability to cook. As long as you study the menu a little, you can make exquisite and delicious meals. So how can we arrange her passion for cooking? We got a preliminary solution, which is to change her inferiority and laziness in cooking by encouraging her.
For example, "Hey, this dish is not bad today!" Just add a little more salt. "Euphemistic advice.
"Wow, did you really do this? Not bad, it seems that you still have the ability to cook! " A definite affirmation.
Or go to the kitchen to help her do something-what you don't do will never come true-and then you can say, "Cooking is so hard, are you tired of cooking?" "Shall I help you wash the dishes tomorrow?"
She may not ask you for help, but in this way, she can realize that you are paying attention to her heart instead of accusing her of cooking and enjoying success. Because when it comes to cooking, she may have divided you and your father into "them"-when she cooked eight courses, she actually hoped to get some affirmation, but you and your father ignored this, which led to her more aversion to cooking, and a vicious circle. This was actually an opportunity to encourage and change her, but it was a pity that she missed it.
I changed my mother's enthusiasm for cooking by praising her cooking. From the beginning, she was a legendary cook with a weak taste. Once she occasionally put more salt, I was amazed and full of praise. She got a psychological hint that she had to put more ingredients in her cooking to get the love of her family. Therefore, it is necessary to study recipes. Now I am a second-class chef. Yes, that's what I used to praise her. There is nothing to lose by praising more. Don't be too stingy with your words of encouragement.
The reason why we should do it in an encouraging way is that only by building self-confidence can we enhance her sense of control over cooking. Mechanical preaching and accusation can only play a negative role for those who rely on the primary nervous system to judge things. Because the judgment time of the primary nervous system is very short, anything that "threatens" her can only arouse the psychology of fighting and attacking immediately. When resistance is accumulating, people will eventually choose to protect their self-esteem with "disapproval" indifference, or build lower self-esteem with "indifference" to adapt to this hostility.
In other words, the thinking mode of people with advanced nervous system as the leading thinking can't get the expected results when dealing with the life of people with primary nervous system as the leading thinking. This is also the reason why many children rebel. They don't have mature frontal lobes to control their emotions. )
This encouragement can also be used in other aspects of her, such as peach skin. "This peach is so perfect today that I can't bear to eat it." Or you can try to peel it off, and then you might as well peel it off as her and say, "So you are the master." Or "Hey, I'm not as good as you." Believe it or not, she will be secretly pleased. In this way, she will be very careful, because all she peels are classics, and of course she must have a classic appearance.
This is the first step to establish a "we-we" relationship. When she doesn't realize her behavior characteristics and potential crisis, you should be able to see and affirm the importance and uniqueness of her existence.
Second, the specific problems are specific.
The primary nervous system can control our emotional acceptance-sometimes it closes, sometimes it opens. Maybe we are very sensitive to our friends' feelings, but insensitive to "others", and sometimes even have emotional inversion, and base our happiness on others' failures.
When she rejected your friend, did you use offensive language out of anger? (As mentioned above, this kind of pressure will only make people who rely on the primary nervous system strengthen stereotypes and make them more stubbornly maintain this impression without any in-depth thinking and reflection. )
In other words, when you feel angry, miserable and threatened, you should think about the root of the matter as much as possible, so that you can use your higher nervous system to deal with the problem instead of making things worse with your own primary nervous system.
At this time, it is better to convey your inner feelings as soon as possible and focus on this specific problem for rational exploration. Pay attention to "concrete" problems and don't involve irrelevant things.
For example, you can tell her quickly: you make me feel sad and in a dilemma by talking about them like this.
You should convey your sense of distress in time, or you will become manic and allergic because of depression.
When both sides can keep their heads clear, or when the atmosphere is right, you can seriously discuss this issue with her.
First of all, you should gain her sense of identity, even if it's not what you want to do-the important thing is to solve the problem. "In fact, I have also thought about whether they are suitable to be my friends." "Sometimes I really feel that I have less knowledge when chatting with them." Wait, these are her preconceived impressions. She will think that you know something about her thoughts and take a slightly head-up view.
Head-up is a very important link in communication. Most parents have a condescending sense of superiority when facing their children.
Only by considering the problem from her point of view can we gain her trust. When she thinks you are a person who can communicate with her, the bridge will be built. Next, you can ask her:
First you have to ask her how she came to this conclusion-
"Why do you think these friends should not associate with you?" (She may have started to classify people.)
"According to what? Can you give an example? " (Note that this is the kind of friend, generally)
"What do you think caused them to become like this?" Let her think from their point of view.
"Why is it so important to keep them away from me?"
"What do we think will happen?"
"What does this mean?"
She will find the mistakes she knows. In fact, they didn't burn and rob, they just went to work overtime. Poor learning is not all the criteria that have no social value. It is because of their existence that someone in this world will help you refuel your car, build comfortable buildings for you and let you know how happy you are to continue your studies. Even if there is no contribution, their existence is not enough to stop you from learning. So, as an established fact known for many years, can she "give up this idea?" If you give up, what harm will it do? "
Whether she accepts your idea or not, you should thank her. Because this rejection is out of instinct to protect you. This is also to prepare for the next communication, and things cannot be done overnight.
It is precisely because of the lack of communication at ordinary times that her impression of you will remain at the stage of your weak child. If you can tell her more about what activities you organized at school and what teachers or other students said about you, she will soon realize that you are a thoughtful person now. Usually parents are more willing to believe what others say than what you say. Maybe they just unilaterally infer other abilities from your self-care ability.
Therefore, once you have an opportunity, you should establish the cornerstone of communication through good gratitude, and then you can incorporate her into your thinking mode.
Being a monitor is much easier than being a son and daughter, because there is no relationship of "being responsible for your life" between friends, so naturally there will be no restrictions or too much interference on you.
Come on, young man!