I am convinced that although some people think that things are not absolute, they can't deny the importance of childhood.
Because, many people will find that their life is not smooth when they grow up, and they will always encounter various problems, some of which will appear repeatedly after one time and fall into a vicious circle.
For example, a woman still doesn't have a good home after dating multiple boyfriends. She thought she was just meeting someone. In other words, some professionals always jump ship again and again and can't take root in a company. He always thinks the company is not good.
Why do we always suffer and make mistakes in similar things? What does it have to do with childhood experience?
This book "0 times 10000 times" can answer the above puzzles and help you create a brand-new life script.
The author of this book believes that everyone's thinking and behavior patterns are composed of four internal parts: inner children, inner judgment, coping style and adult self.
When we perceive and correct our coping style, we can see our inner conflicts, wounds and knots. Then, we can re-recognize our uncontrollable emotions and feelings, have a more stable adult self through deliberate practice, and finally rewrite our own life script to create a brand-new relationship model and behavior model, and not be entangled in an unchangeable fate.
In this way, you can climb out of the darkness and stand in the sun. From then on, bad experiences will happen 0 times and good experiences will happen 10000 times.
Gita Jacobs is one of the most influential psychologists in Germany, who is devoted to the research of cognitive behavioral therapy, schema therapy, outpatient service, clinical psychology and psychotherapy.
In daily life, we will see many women in the workplace, who are well-deserved strong women. However, once they fall in love or get married, they become vassals of Nuo Nuo and don't know how to deal with intimate relationships.
Why is there such a big contrast? Tracing back to the source, it is not difficult to find that the basic needs of these women were not met in childhood or adolescence, thus forming a thinking and behavior pattern that is not conducive to their growth.
The author thinks that children's basic needs include: having stable contact with others; Self-confidence and ability; Freedom to express needs and feelings; Spontaneity, fun and playfulness; The boundaries of reality, etc.
Going back to the above case, such women may live in an environment where their parents are divorced or one of their parents is prone to violence, because they cannot meet the needs of stable contact with others, leaving them in fear of abandonment and abuse. As an adult, she will also be wronged to please each other for fear of losing her other half.
Therefore, even when I grow up, my childhood experiences become inner children and remain in my memory. Once we encounter a similar situation, we will wake up this sleeping "stalker".
When our inner children dominate us, our cognition and behavior will appear childish, as if we were back to the scene where our basic needs were ignored in childhood or adolescence.
The author divides inner children into three types: injured inner children, spoiled inner children and happy inner children.
In different situations, it will trigger different inner children. For example, when you feel abandoned, rejected or excluded, it will lead to the injury of your inner child. We will feel lonely and sad, overwhelmed by a series of negative emotions, as if abandoned by the whole world.
Although, at this time, we are adults, maybe parents, but when these emotions come in, we are still at a loss, and a voice inside tells us: I am not feeling well, I am very sad.
As Freud said, "Be your own parents."
If the injured inner child makes us feel uncomfortable, then the inner judge will undoubtedly make us worse.
Why? Because the inner judge represents those harmful voices from childhood to adolescence.
The information brought by these voices is negative, which always makes us feel that we are not good enough, cute enough, bored or incompetent.
The author divides the internal judges into two categories: one is the harsh internal judges, who put too high demands on us and put us under great pressure; One is the internal judge who despises our punishment.
In most cases, the reasons for internal judgment can be traced back to parents, brothers and sisters, or relatives, teachers and classmates. They ignore and ignore our feelings in order to meet our own needs in childhood or adolescence.
For example, when I was a student, parents were strict with their children's grades. If they don't get more than 90 points, they will insult their children for not studying hard and making no progress.
Children who grow up in this environment have a judge who demands high grades. He will ask himself to do his best anytime and anywhere, so he puts a lot of pressure on himself, fearing that he will not let others down.
At the same time, we should also realize that inner judgment usually exists with injured children. Therefore, if you want to heal a child who is hurt inside, you need to get rid of the shackles of the inner judge.
So, what can we do to get rid of the inner judgment? The author puts forward four steps:
The first step is to make a list. This step is to find out where the information that gives you pressure or belittles you comes from, and recall whether it was childhood or adolescence, under what circumstances, and who caused you to belittle yourself or even hate yourself.
The second step is to make changes. This step is to minimize the influence of harmful thinking patterns brought by internal judges and learn to distinguish whether those voices are harmful or desirable.
The third step is to learn to object. If we want to fight against the harmful voices in our hearts, we can make new rules of life to refute them. Write down a list of rules that you think are important, beautiful and willing to follow.
The fourth step is to reduce harmful information. Rank the information from small to large, and determine how much each piece of information affects you.
As mentioned earlier, childhood experiences form inner children and inner judges.
Unpleasant experience can be regarded as a stumbling block brought by childhood, which may be a casual sentence from parents or a memory hurt by classmates or teachers.
Some people may occasionally think about it when they are adults, and they will hardly be hurt by these stumbling blocks; Some people have been injured by these stumbling blocks all their lives, and they can't let go all their lives.
No matter whether it is serious or not, there are corresponding strategies to deal with emotional difficulties, which is called "coping" in psychology. Which coping style depends on the individual and childhood experience, and there are three main coping styles:
First, obey.
An obedient person will act in a way that he thinks others like. When pleasing others, such people will feel stable and safe to some extent. Such people usually have low self-esteem, lack confidence in themselves, and it is difficult to perceive their own needs.
Second, avoid.
Faced with negative emotions, such people often turn to alcohol and drugs, or turn their attention to TV and mobile phones. Although, in the short run, avoidance can alleviate negative emotions to some extent, in the long run, avoidance not only prevents us from realizing our dreams, but also prevents us from meeting our needs for autonomy, connectivity and ability.
Third, overcompensation.
Overcompensation means that a person's behavior is exactly the opposite of what the injured child and the inner judge told them, as if it were true. For example, a girl used to be laughed at by others for being ugly and wearing rustic clothes, but when she grows up, she may pretend to be an expert in hooking up to counter her inner voice.
After knowing your coping style, you can make yourself more mature and rewrite your life script by strengthening your adult self.
How to strengthen the self of adults? Efforts can be made in the following two aspects:
First, the plan changes. Through the previous analysis, we have understood our inner character. Now we can ask ourselves what we want to change first. How strong is the willingness to change, and how much time and energy can you invest?
Second, implement changes. We can create an activity list to activate our adult selves. For example, learning new things; Talk to your good friends about things that are important to you in life; Exercise; Be responsible for yourself; Write down what you really do well every day; Read a book or newspaper; Do what you like; Try new recipes and so on.
Although childhood is gone forever, fortunately, growth can bring changes.
We can also learn, rewrite our own story scripts, embrace the inner child who has not been properly taken care of, and reconcile with the inner judge.
If you are still stuck in the mire of childhood, you might as well open the book 0 times and 10000 times and study it carefully.
Perhaps, you can develop yourself as an adult, improve your knowledge level and create a brand-new life script.