1. In ancient times, a monk was seriously ill and was rescued and placed in a young lady's bed. The master hired a doctor to treat the monk. Since the monk couldn't see the wind, the doctor had to give him a pulse through the quilt. The doctor touched the monk's delicate hand and thought it was the master's daughter-in-law. Said: "It's irregular menstruation, probably pregnancy."

2. A rich man said to his servant: "When you go outside with me, you will say something big to boast about my family and put on a good show for me." The servant nodded. On this day, the servant went outside with the rich man. Someone on the road said: "The biggest house is the Sanqing Palace." The servant hurriedly said to the person: "My master's house is as big as the Sanqing Palace." After a while, , and another person said: "The biggest boat is the dragon boat." The servant hurriedly said: "The boat my master collects accounts is as big as the dragon boat." On the way home, another person said: "The biggest boat is the dragon boat." It's a cow's belly." The servant quickly said to the man, "My master's belly is as big as a cow's belly." The rich man was so angry that his beard stood up.

3. Once upon a time, there was a Jinshi master who was domineering and arrogant. During the Spring Festival one year, in order to show off, he posted this couplet on his door: Father Jinshi, son Jinshi, both father and son are Jinshi; mother-in-law, daughter-in-law, wife both mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. It happened that a poor scholar in the town passed by the Jinshi's house and saw this couplet. He first showed contempt, and then showed a proud smile. At night, when he saw no one around, he quietly added and changed some strokes on the couplet. Early the next morning, a large number of people gathered in front of Jinshi's door. They were talking, laughing and discussing. Everyone praised: "Good change! Good change!" The noise outside the door alarmed me. When he saw Mr. Jinshi, he quickly opened the door. When he saw it, he immediately fainted on the steps in front of the door. It turns out that the couplets in front of the entrance of Jinshi have been changed by scholars to look like this:

The father goes to the earth, the son goes to the earth, the father and the son both go to the earth;

The mother-in-law loses her husband, the daughter-in-law loses her husband , mother-in-law and daughter-in-law both lost their husbands.

4. Once upon a time there was a carpenter and a teacher who lived together. The carpenter looked down on his husband and often teased him by finding some difficult characters from ancient tablets. One day, he found that the word "tea" had one more horizontal line than the word "tea", so he wrote "tea pot" and asked his teacher. The gentleman didn't know what the trick was, so he casually pronounced it "teapot". The carpenter laughed loudly: "You don't even know the word 'tea' and you're still teaching!" A few days later, the gentleman found a broken broom in the yard. He took the broom Gegong cut it off and carved it into a small woolly monkey. I asked the carpenter what kind of wood the hairy monkey was carved from. The carpenter looked at it for a long time and couldn't answer. The husband smiled and said: "It turns out that you have been a carpenter all your life, and you still have some wood that you don't recognize!"

5. Calling himself a bastard

A master was ignorant and wanted to get promoted and make a fortune. In order to please his superiors, he specially held a sumptuous banquet for the county magistrate.

While drinking, the master asked flatteringly: "How many sons do you have?" The county magistrate said without hesitation: "There are two dogs, how about you?"

The county magistrate asked, But the master was stumped. He thought to himself: "The county magistrate still humbly calls his son 'Quizi', how should I call my child?" After thinking for a while, he had to answer: "I only have a five-year-old little bastard."

6. Rushing for the exam

There was a scholar who was preparing to rush for the exam. He was worried day and night, and his strange appearance puzzled his wife. She said: "Look at how useless you are, isn't it harder for a man to write an article than for a woman to have a child?" The scholar sighed: "It is easier for a woman to have a child than to write an article!" The woman asked again: " "Why?" The scholar replied: "A woman can always give birth to a child if she has one in her belly. How can I write an article if my belly is empty?"

7. The old scholar crawling into ashes

There was an old scholar in front of me who was very conceited. He often said that he knew the world and understood the ghosts and gods. If anyone got sick, he would be fine as long as he wrote an article and communicated with the ghosts and gods. His son is a cargo driver and is away from home all the time, while this old bastard is crawling around at home.

One day, his daughter-in-law pounded rice too hard and bumped her awkward spot. The pain suddenly became red, swollen and unbearable. She asked the old scholar to write an article about being accommodating, and the old scholar A happily accepted the order. . But how to write it? Writing it directly is disrespectful to the Bodhisattva. He searched for the withered intestines and twisted off a few stems. When he was in trouble, he heard someone talking next door. He had an idea and wrote a wonderful article: Wife pounding rice. Use force and break the butt wall.

I sincerely ask for the blessings of Bodhisattva, and everyone will benefit!

8. Once upon a time, there was a master who used lotus roots to entertain guests. He cut off the tops of the lotus roots and served them out for the guests to eat, but kept the good part of the lotus roots. In the kitchen. This was discovered by the guest, and he deliberately said to the host: "I often read poetry, and I once read a poem like this: 'On the top of Taihua Peak are jade and lotus flowers, and the lotus roots bloom ten feet like a boat.' In the past, I have always doubted this. The poem is unreal, how can there be a lotus root as long as a boat? Today, I believe that the poem is true. "

The owner asked him: "Why?"

< p>The guest said: "Look at this lotus root. The top of the lotus root is here, but isn't the butt of the lotus root still in the kitchen?"

9. A scholar met a monk, and the scholar figured out how ugly the monk was. , and asked the monk: "Master, how do you write the word "bald" for "bald donkey"? The monk said: "It is the word "show" for scholar, just turn your buttocks slightly."

10. There is a child who is ignorant and ignorant. He is a skilled person, but he likes to show off his elegance. He never leaves his mouth with "what he is talking about", so that his father-in-law takes it lightly.

One day, his father-in-law was ill and bedridden, and this son went to visit him. When he arrived at his home, he entered his father-in-law's room and saw him lying on the bed. He shook his head and said, "Why is father-in-law so sick?" His father-in-law saw his sour look and refused to answer.

Seeing that he didn't answer, the disciple asked again: "Why don't you invite sir?" The father-in-law closed his eyes and ignored him.

The son was confused and said: "Could it be——the deceased?" As soon as the words left his mouth, the father-in-law immediately jumped up from the bed and threw a porcelain pillow at him. The son rolled his head on the ground and flashed the pillow and exclaimed: "Danger!!".

11. It is said that there was a scholar in the Liang Dynasty of the Southern Dynasties who was dull but somewhat eloquent. He had never seen a sheep. Once, someone gave him a beautiful antelope. He thought it was an ordinary sheep, so he tied a rope around the antelope's neck and took it to the market to sell.

The price he asked for was not much, but he sold it many times but never sold it. Later, people in the market found out that the scholar selling sheep was very stupid, so they secretly brought in a macaque and exchanged it for an antelope. When the scholar saw the macaque, he thought it was his antelope, but he wondered why it had no horns and its appearance had changed. He also saw the macaque jumping around and thought it might be people in the market.

The horns were sawed off, but since there were no scars on the macaque's head, it was not enough, so he had to swallow his anger and remain silent.

The market was over, and the scholar led the macaque to his home. They wandered leisurely along the way, singing and saying: "I have a strange beast that can be fat

but also thin. . It used to be smelly, but today it smells bad. It has been taken to the market several times and cannot be sold for three days. It has lost its honey locust seeds and its face has turned into orange peel. ”

12 Liu Mian, a scholar in the Tang Dynasty, had many taboos by nature. When he was taking the imperial examination in his early years, when the examinees were talking to him and some of them said the word "luo" without paying attention, they became angry and rude. If a servant accidentally committed the word "fall", he would beat him severely with a stick. Therefore, when servants spoke to him, they often said "well-being" instead of "well-being."

On this day, he suddenly heard that the list of books had been posted, and he quickly sent his servant to see it. After a while, the servant ran back. Liu Mian hurriedly stepped forward and asked, "Is my name on the list?" The servant sighed and replied, "The scholar is well."

13. Duke Wang Zhongsu I don't like to joke around. One day, on his way home after retiring from the imperial court, he saw a minister who was traveling with him always staring at a beautiful woman passing by. The beauty had gone far away, and the minister still turned around to see her reluctantly from time to time.

At this time, the always stern Duke Wang Zhongsu couldn't help but joke with the minister: "The beautiful woman who passed by just now is really powerful." The minister hurriedly asked: "Sir, what are you doing? "Do you know she has strength?" Wang Zhongsu said in response: "If she has no strength, how can your old master's head be turned around by her?"

14. The private school teacher taught the students to answer the couplet. The first couplet came out with "horse neighing", and the students responded with "cow shit". When the private school teacher heard this, he said angrily: "Bullshit." The student stood up from his seat and wanted to go out.

The tutor stepped forward and stopped him and said, "You haven't corrected the pair I've played yet, and I haven't corrected it yet. Why did you just leave?" The student said, "You played 'horse neigh' and I played 'cow shit'." ', what you changed is 'bullshit', isn't that the end of it?"

15. Classic joke: The scholar reciting poems in the snow, the county palace, the rich man was drinking and enjoying the snow, and he became popular with poetry, so he proposed Take "Auspicious Snow" as the title and recite a couplet of poems. "Heavy snow is falling to the ground," the scholar raised his glass.

The county magistrate replied: "This is royal auspiciousness!"

The rich man shook his head and chanted: "What's wrong with another three years?"

The beggar who was freezing outside the door put his head in and cursed: "Fuck your mother's shit!"

16. Once upon a time, there was a teacher who often pronounced other words and misled his disciples. He was accused to the county The county magistrate summoned him to the lobby for questioning.

"Do you often pronounce other words when teaching?"

"No, no, that's absolutely not the case, it's purely due to Zixu Bird!"

"What, Bird Yes? You made a mistake in court by pronouncing the word "black" as the word "bird". Are you going to accept the beating or the punishment? The official wrote with a pen: "Three chickens and two rabbits as punishment."

The gentleman went home and brought a chicken.

The county magistrate looked at it and asked: "Why do you give me just one chicken?"

The gentleman replied: "My lord, didn't you write 'Three chickens, two free'?" ”

17. There was a man who asked others to draw a picture for him to enjoy himself. He only gave the painter two cents of silver, including paper, pen, and paint. The painter then used ink to draw a back image on Jingchuan paper. The man looked at it and said angrily: "The main thing about the portrait is the appearance. How can you just draw my back?" The painter said: "Based on your stingy look, I advise you to keep your face." Show it to others!"

18. There once was a landowner who had three daughters who were married to a scholar, a blacksmith, and a manure collector. It is said that it was the landlord's birthday, and his three sons-in-law came to celebrate his birthday. At the banquet, the landlord suddenly had a whim and asked his sons-in-law to write some poems for his birthday. The title of the poem was the thousand-mile horse in the landlord's stable. In fact, the landowner despised his third son-in-law the most. He knew that he was a big boss and wanted to make him look embarrassed in front of others.

The eldest son-in-law pondered for a while and then said: "I have a song." Then he shook his head and said: "The snow is like goose feathers. Go quickly to the South Bridge. When the horse comes back, the goose feathers are floating on the water." When the father-in-law heard this He repeatedly praised and said: "Well, the snowflakes have not melted on the water after the horse ran back and forth, not bad."

The second son-in-law was not convinced and said: "I have it again." Then he said: "Iron rod water Throw it away and run to Tokyo. The iron rod has not sunk yet." After hearing this, the landlord shook his head and said, "It's not as good as the boss."

The third son-in-law blushed anxiously. His neck was thick and he was speechless for a moment. The landlord then asked sideways, "You can't tell, can you?" After saying that, he suddenly farted. The third son-in-law suddenly slapped his thigh and shouted: "I have it!"

Listen to him and say: "My father-in-law farted, so hurry up and go west. The horse is back, and the fart door is not closed yet."

After hearing this, the landlord was so angry that he fainted!

19. Non-mainstream

The classic "Three Kingdoms" written by Chen Shou is about Liu Bei being defeated and leading the people to retreat to the new wilderness. At this time, the villain Cao Cao (Cao Cao is a great hero, I always think so) is chasing after him on a white horse! Liu Bei’s wife was lost, and so was his son! Zhao Zilong picked up his gun and went looking for it. This was how Zhao Zilong later killed several of Cao Cao's generals with great force. Zhang Fei's task is to wait for Zhao Yun to return by the Changban Bridge. Zhao Yun came later, followed by a number of officers and soldiers! Zhang Fei held a snake spear in his hand and shouted: Who dares to fight with me! This shocking sound makes the gods and ghosts weep! Not only did it scare Cao Cao's pursuers, but it also stopped the river's flow. Later generations used the term "flying to block the flow" to describe how powerful a general was. It's a pity that this word has now become a synonym for stupidity. Fei Yequan Xia knew it, and he probably turned his black face into a white face with anger, and took sides with Cao Cao!

20. AV

The classic is "Book of Tang", which talks about Empress Wei, the wife of Emperor Zhongzong of the Tang Dynasty. Li Zhi was still a henpecked master, so the political power fell into the hands of Queen Wei. Queen Wei is not kind. She flutters colorful flags in foreign affairs, but never falls in domestic affairs! However, Queen Wei was ruthless and would kill the man every time she stayed with him for a long time. The so-called peonies scare people to death, and being a ghost is also romantic. This is where it comes from.

On this day, a face came to the last moment of his life. After being gentle with Queen Wei, he hugged Queen Wei and said: After I leave, you must take good care of yourself! I love you, Queen Wei! Don't you know my heart? Queen Wei was so moved that she did not kill him, but gave him a high official position! Later, the incident spread like wildfire, and Aiwei became synonymous with shamelessness.

21. Brainless

The Book of Jin is quoted from the Book of Jin, and it talks about Sima Zhong (seems to be an emperor). Of course, this emperor was lustful and gave birth to many sons. However, this emperor was afraid of his wife. It would be okay if his wife was a beauty, but unfortunately Queen Jia Nanfeng was a heavyweight dinosaur. It is probably because of the psychological shadow during sex, and the quality of the son he had with the Queen was not good. Sima Zhong's quality was not good to begin with, and his intelligence is estimated to be around 50 by now. He did a lot of stupid things, the most famous of which was the incident of eating minced meat. Of course, Sima Zhong still likes his sons, and he likes Sima Gang the most. This son looks very silly, exactly like himself when he was a child. As the saying goes, Sima Zhong decided to pass his throne to Sima Gang. That day, I asked the minister in the palace about the feasibility of this matter. The ministers had nothing to do with this idiot emperor, so they said yes, of course. Sima Gang looks like many wise men! Sima Zhong asked which wise kings he resembled? A minister said: Brave like Xiang Yu! Another minister said: His skills are like Sun Zhongmou! Sima Zhong nodded in agreement and asked for wisdom again! No one dares to say - this Sima Gang is a top performer! At this time, a minister said: "My brain is as good as that of the later master Liu Chan!" Sima Zhong laughed loudly and said: My son is so damn smart! This throne is given to him! Later, people used brain zen to describe idiots, but now it seems that this is a word that has not changed!

22. Ouye

A story recorded in "Book of the Later Jin Dynasty" (limited to the fact that this ancient passage is too lengthy, so it was directly translated into vernacular). During the Wei and Jin Dynasties, the scholar-bureaucrats paid great attention to spiritual practice and attempted to ascend to immortality in the daytime. The most important thing in spiritual practice is to practice the golden elixir - which has killed many people; and there is also the dual cultivation - which has hollowed out many people. At that time, there was a famous scholar named Wang Dao. His youngest son was named Wang Pan. He married a wife and went home to practice dual cultivation. But here comes the problem: This woman doesn't know how to be charming in bed, and she closes her eyes every time she practices double cultivation, which makes Wang Pan lose his mood. Wang Pan had a good friend named Ou Fengzi, and he married a wife whose surname was Ye, who was called Ouye according to the ancients' name. In a word: a stunner in bed. Classmate Wang Pan, with an open-minded and hard-working spirit of learning, took his wife to seek advice. The Wei and Jin Dynasties can be regarded as some of the more absurd eras. When Ou Fengzi saw his friends come to his door, he immediately called Ouye to live broadcast and give guidance to Wang Pan. After watching for a long time, Wang Pan and his wife returned home satisfied. When he got home, he took off his clothes, but Wang Pan's wife was still shy and couldn't let go. Wang Pan was in high spirits, so he scolded loudly: "Quickly learn from Ouye!" Learn from Ouye quickly! Wang Pan's wife panicked and shouted: Ouye! Oye's! Wang Pan was very depressed. Later, the joke spread like wildfire, and people used Oye to describe a woman who was incomprehensible in her amorous feelings! Ouye died unjustly!