A lazy person seldom washes himself, hiding dirt in his body and not knowing how to clean himself. One night while walking in the countryside, I encountered a ghost in a cemetery and couldn't escape, so I pulled out an object and waved it around, causing the ghost to retreat quickly. The villagers asked what kind of magic weapon it was, and the lazy man replied: "Smelly socks."

Late for late

2. A person lives alone in a high-rise building. In the middle of the night, a bull-headed horse arrives, telling him that there will be a ghost in the evening, so please bring your own. Afterlife. The next day, it was a long time after the ox-headed and horse-faced Hai hour, and people blamed him: Why did he come? The bull-headed and horse-faced man gasped: The elevator has stopped and he came upstairs.

3. It scared me to death

A tourist went into an old house in the mountains to take shelter from the rain. A ghost threatened to harm him. A strong wind destroyed the old house and all the people and ghosts fled. The man touched his chest and said, "I'm scared to death!" Gui Ye touched his chest and said, "I'm scared to death!" People wonder: Why did you die? The ghost is ashamed and gone.

4.

An ugly death

A man encountered a ghost while walking at night. He was so frightened that he dug his mouth and tongue with his hands, and his eyes were bulging out of his sockets. His face was extremely distorted and he died. The ghost looks up close and vomits.

5. The Brush Immortal is in a hurry

Several people called for the Brush Immortal, but they did not come for a long time. Just as they were about to give up, the Brush Immortal suddenly came and drew circles. When asked why he was late, the answer was: I was squatting on the toilet just now.

6. Nothing to do

Corrupt officials died suddenly and went to the underworld to write off their accounts. The ghost judge saw a person following closely behind him and asked: Who has come to this place before his life is over? Answer: The unit accountant came together because the official had emptied his account and left him with nothing to do.

7. Weighing

All the ghosts crossed the Naihe Bridge smoothly, but Po Meng stopped one person and ordered him to weigh himself. The group of ghosts are suspicious: Do ghosts have weight? Po Meng replied, "This man has a big face and an empty heart. He always doesn't know the importance. Now I want him to know how much he has."

8. Overslept

One person was seriously ill and needed emergency treatment in the hospital. After several struggles, everyone was extremely tired at night and everyone fell asleep. When he got up early in the morning, the doctor shouted: Oh my God, I overslept and forgot to give him emergency treatment. The nurse woke up: Oh my god, I overslept and forgot to change his drip. The family members also woke up: Oh my god, how can you still be alive without changing the intravenous drip or first aid all night? Just listen to a mysterious voice saying: Oh my god, I overslept and forgot to seduce my soul!

9. Do as the Romans do when you enter the country.

On the Naihe Bridge, a scholar lamented that his beloved wife was still alive: On the Naihe Bridge, there are two vast fields, how can a beauty come here again? Thirty years of endless hope, I will guard the bridge and you guard the house. The ghost slave was impatient and pushed him away quickly, replying: "There are no old ghosts on the bridge, so don't come here to pretend to be an old green onion."

10. It is better to know your father than your son.

An old man died. The filial son invited a group of monks to pray for him, but he had a special instruction, asking the old man’s soul to go to heaven. The monk said curiously: Only when you go to the West will you find the paradise. The filial son replied: My father always twisted his arms and legs, and when others told him to go east, he would turn to the west. Just read to the east and he will go to the west.

11. The Long Way

The King of Hell made a census and found that there were many longevity stars in the mountains. He asked the ghost judge why the souls were not evenly seduced. The ghost judge hesitated and said: The road is too far. It is quite tiring to go there. ...

12. Different divisions of labor

A sudden appearance of a horse came and wanted to seduce Lao Zhang's soul. Lao Zhang was extremely frightened. He wanted to give up everything he had in exchange for good smoke and tea. Yangshou, the horse went away with a full bag. Not long after, another horse's face seduced him again, and Lao Zhang said unjustly: "Didn't you let me live forever?" The new horse sneered: Silly, you were fooled, it doesn’t care about this place...

14. Forgot half of it

One person dies, but drinking Meng Po soup on the bridge, nearly half of it Suddenly he kissed Po Meng, who was ashamed and angry: Why are you teasing me? Deceased: I wanted to kiss someone before I died, but I forgot who I wanted to kiss while drinking soup just now. Just you.

15. Respect art

The singer took several curtain calls before the audience dispersed with satisfaction. The only person who won't leave is the one who calls himself Seductive Horse Face. When asked why we waited so long, the answer was: I have to let you finish singing.

17. Doctrine

A professor lectured: When a person dies, he turns into a butterfly, which is romanticism. Being invited away by horse face is classicism. Being cremated is realism. Being frozen and then resurrected is surreal.

Also, don’t you think that I’m already dead? This is absurdism...

18. Accurate calculation

Mr. Divination (read the sign): You are going to make a small fortune today...

Ask The person who asked the divination: Yes, I felt it too...

After the person who asked the divination left, the bystander pointed out to the divination man: That was a thief just now, your wallet was...

19. Exploited

After the painter died, his agent always had new paintings to sell.

One day after drinking, he finally revealed the truth: "Shhh...he is still painting in the studio. I didn't tell him that he was dead."

20. Bargain

After the death of the old man, his son burned two paper girls and buried them with him, and bought the ones with bad paper for cheap.

Not long ago, Se Weng asked in a dream: "Stingy son, that lady has a skin disease..."

21. Masquerade Party

The masquerade party is over, and the guests follow the requirements Take off your disguise.

A "mummy" asked the people around him to help him remove his shroud... In the end, everyone only saw a pile of shrouds.

22. Stupid ghost

Someone is stupid and often gets hit while walking, and is given the compliment "Blind man, keep an eye on your steps!"

In the end, he died in a car accident, and his soul wandered unhindered. Fang Wei was knocked over by a fat ghost head-on.

"Blind man, watch your eyes when you walk!" the fat ghost yelled angrily.

23. The King of Hell reads the file

The King of Hell is looking through the death report of the new ghost and comments while reading:

It is lucky to be shot to death

………………

Well, the guillotine is very pleasant

…………

It is still happy to die in bed

………………

He was hit by a car and died. Did he go to hell on a cane?

………………

…………This, this, he was chopped 178 times and groaned for 3 hours before he died... Oh my God, what happened to this unlucky guy? A performance artist!

24. Restricted conditions

A friend was watching "The Ring" on a computer, and an outsider asked: Why don't you use a VCD if the computer is not good?

Answer: You don’t know, the computer screen is so small that Sadako can’t climb out...

25. Good location

The son of the deceased cried: "There are so many bull heads and horse faces." Burn some money, please take my father's soul to Shanghai."

Niutou Mamian asked strangely: "We are so far away, why do you want to work for my father's ghost?"

The son said: "The location in Shanghai is good, my dad. If you go, you can get a room at a sky-high price."

26. 4 stories about big ghosts, little ghosts and old ghosts

Big ghost: Tonight we are going to scare people, whirring, rattling, rattling.

Little ghost: Why are you so hard on others?

Old ghost: Leave him alone, that guy died of split personality.

Big Ghost: The scary plan failed tonight.

Little ghost: It’s all you, you’re trying to scare people and you don’t choose any place. Why go to a blind massage parlor...

Old ghost: Little ghost, where’s the paper money you burned at home a few days ago?

Little Ghost: I have invested in partnership with Big Ghost.

Old ghost: Did you make a profit?

Little ghost: .........This fool, the ghost has no feet, but it insists on opening a shoe store!

Kid: I won the lottery and can go to heaven for five days!

Big Ghost: Fool, the angel will definitely tell you when the time comes that heaven is being renovated.

The student wrote in the composition: "My mother is a middle-aged woman in her 30s." The teacher commented under the word "middle-aged": "Superfluous." Then let the students repeat copy. After the students copied it again, the sentence became: "My mother is a superfluous middle-aged woman in her 30s."

A classic joke about the foreigner Hemingway learning and speaking Chinese

Late night snack

At 11:30 at night, I was online. Hemingway called me suddenly and said he wanted to treat me to a supper. He was afraid that I wouldn't go, so he drove to pick me up.

Come on! No excuse! Go for it!

"Don't come to pick me up, I'll drive myself. Where to go?"

"How about the night stall?"

"Ha! You can eat at the restaurant Are you tired of it?"

"Hey, hey!"

We made an appointment to meet at the beach stall in Hong Kong. Hemingway is the representative of a large American multinational company in China, and he treats people well. I came to China to work for one year and studied Chinese with me for one year. He has a very good sense of language and has a special ability in learning languages. He has been to many countries and learned many "foreign languages". Although he is not proficient in them all, he can at least use them. He feels that Chinese is the most difficult language to learn among all the languages ??in the world. While learning Chinese, he also made many classic jokes. Although I had a lot of bumps and bumps, I learned pretty well.

We arrived almost at the same time, and I chose a food stall that was cleaner and in better condition.

Unexpectedly, as soon as he entered the door, Hemingway shouted in a loud voice in fluent Chinese:

"Boss! Does the pee fried rice taste good?"

Scared me One jump! I stopped him in a hurry:

"What?...What do you mean?" (What? What do you mean?)

The shop owner looked at Hemingway blankly, and all the guests Everyone looked this way, and some people were saying:

"A foreigner is here to make trouble!" "Fuck him!"

Looking at everyone's puzzled eyes, Hemingway said He ran to the door in two steps, carried a big sign in, and placed it in the hall. Submission:

Pee

Fried rice

Everyone was stunned for five seconds, and then burst into laughter.

Chinese textbook

Hemingway’s self-selected textbook when he first started learning Chinese was the Chinese textbook published by the BBC Broadcasting Company. The advertisement on the title page of the book is very provocative, claiming that it is especially suitable for tourists and businessmen to learn Chinese quickly, and even those with no basic knowledge of Chinese can "speak it at a glance".

I can't find a single Chinese character in the entire book. The entire text is in English and Chinese Pinyin. It's a Chinese textbook for illiterate people. It is said that this book is specially prepared for those who give up learning Chinese characters that are as difficult as the Book of Heaven and just want to learn to speak some spoken Chinese. Because he didn’t read Chinese characters at all and just read the spelling

Hemingway proudly showed off his knowledge of Chinese as soon as he saw the translator: "You howl (good) Miss Liu, I hate singers (very happy) throw them to death" You (know you)."

Hemingway cherished the opportunity to talk to the Chinese, and jokes came out one after another. For example, he told his secretary: "My wife (suit) is in her purse." In order to negotiate an agreement, we Make an appointment to meet in my office at eight o'clock. "I was worried that the road was too busy this morning, so I left home at seven o'clock." His good friend returned to China, so what Hemingway often said was: "A burning man (a good man) flew (back)." Every time When he reaches the stairs, Hemingway will bow slightly, showing a typical gentleman's demeanor, and murmurs: "Please be careful about being naked (stairs), obscene, obscene, let's go downstairs together.

Read the text Business

Hemingway: “You Chinese are indeed a hard-working nation.

Secretary: "How come?" "

Hemingway: "Whenever I pass by the street in the morning, I can often see the two big words "Early" written on the roadside signboard, reminding people passing by to go to work not to be late. "

Uncontrollable

Hemingway participated in the "Mandarin Speech Contest". His opening remarks were as follows: "Ladies and gentlemen, I must first apologize to you for my poor Mandarin speech. Not well. My relationship with your Chinese language is like my relationship with my wife. I love it very much, but I can’t control it. "

Braised Buttocks

When Hemingway first arrived in China, he called steamed buns "newspapers" when he entered the restaurant. The waitress patiently explained: "Newspapers are sold across the road, daily and evening newspapers. Everything is available. "

I wanted to eat dumplings, but unfortunately the word "sedan" came out of my mouth, which made the waitress feel like she was in a cloud.

What made the waitress particularly confused and even angry was that he actually asked for "braised butt" and claimed that this was his favorite Chinese dish. Seeing that the waitress looked unhappy or even angry, Hemingway hurriedly pointed out the menu to her. Only then did the waitress realize that he wanted to eat "braised pork ribs".

Very good and better

When Hemingway first came to China, he could only speak two Chinese words: "very good" and "better".

One day, a clerk said: "I'm going to take two weeks off."

Hemingway said: "Very good."

The servant said: "Because I My father is dead."

Hemingway said: "Better."

Not a thing

Hemingway held a staff meeting: "The Chinese call things '. Things', such as tables, chairs, televisions, etc., but living animals are not called things, such as insects, birds, beasts, humans, etc., so you and them are not things, and naturally neither am I. Stuff!"

Lunch

Once when Hemingway was invited to a banquet, the Chinese representative politely told him that a small meal was prepared for him tonight. The foreign man looked at the table full of delicacies and said in surprise. : "If this is a casual meal, it is really a 'big meal'."

I lost my appetite all night.

Chinese is so amazing

Hemingway said to the translator: "Your China is so amazing, especially in terms of writing. For example:

'The Chinese team won a big victory "The American team" means that the Chinese team won;

"The Chinese team defeated the American team" means that the Chinese team won.

In short, victory will always belong to you."

Everywhere is beautiful

Hemingway did not know that the Chinese "Where! Where!" is a self-effacing expression. Once when he attended a wedding, he politely praised the bride for being very beautiful. The groom beside him said on behalf of the bride: "Where! Where!" Unexpectedly, the foreign man was shocked! Unable to give a general compliment, Chinese people are not satisfied and need to give examples, so they use blunt Chinese words: "The hair, eyebrows, eyes, ears, nose, and mouth are all beautiful!" The result was a burst of laughter from the whole audience.

Mathematical Chinese

The Chinese name Hemingway gave himself when he came to China was Zhang. He can write the intricate "Zhang" character - and it's also in cursive script, which is really not easy for a foreigner.

Astonished, I couldn't help but ask him. He said: "It's nothing, I just wrote the number three and thirteen-quarters with one stroke."

Didn't faint!

The new meaning of the word "kiss"

Hemingway studied Chinese. When he learned the word "kiss", Hemingway raised a question: "The meaning of the word "kiss" is 'don' and 'mouth'. How can you kiss without moving your mouth?"

Someone thought for a while and answered with a smile. : "Chinese people are relatively reserved. 'Don't speak' means 'don't have to talk'.

Do you know how to talk when you kiss?"

What is Wei

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Hemingway’s wife came to China and took the Chinese name Wei. One day the couple met a friend while walking and exchanged pleasantries for a while.

Friend: "What's your wife's surname?"

Hemingway: "Her surname is Wei."

Friend: "What's Wei?"

Hemingway: "Why? Why do you have the surname Wei?"

"English-Chinese Dictionary"

For a while, Hemingway held a thick "English-Chinese Dictionary" all day long, reading from the dictionary Get some Chinese words and phrases, and then learn and use them.

I met him on the boulevard of the industrial park at dusk. I went up to say hello: "Hello! Hemingway, I'm taking a walk."

He said with a smile: "Yes, I I'm wandering here."

I suppressed a smile and asked with interest: "Do you understand what wandering means?"

He replied seriously: "Of course I do, wandering is just here. Walking back and forth from one place to another.

"

Hemingway likes to introduce himself to everyone: "I am a rustic person. ” always made everyone burst into laughter. Hemingway himself was surprised because he read in the dictionary that “country people” translated into Chinese as “rustic people.” He just wanted to tell the Chinese people that he was born a farmer. I don’t understand why it has such a comedic effect.

Hemingway’s habit of copying dictionary terms once made him extremely embarrassed. I don’t know which dictionary he found the English translation of the word “nonsense”. It means useless nonsense, but also has a polite meaning, so Hemingway boldly used his new term. A Chinese representative participated in the negotiation of the project. After the negotiation, Hemingway praised Hemingway's high level of Chinese, and Hemingway hurriedly learned Chinese. Human humility replied: "You are so flattering, it's all nonsense, nonsense. "The Chinese representative immediately walked away with a pale face.

zodiac signs

The Chinese folk zodiac signs are also a topic of great interest to Westerners. Everyone wants to Find out what animal you belong to. Unfortunately, "genus" and "belong to" are often confused.

One day he said excitedly to his secretary: "You are a pig." ”

In Chinese, “female” or “male” is used to describe the gender of animals. This was too difficult for Hemingway, because in English, male can be used to describe both humans and animals. Or female.

One night Hemingway was walking with her pet dog on the street. When she saw me, she proudly introduced to me, "This is my female dog." ”

Hard hat

In addition to driving a car, Hemingway usually likes to ride a motorcycle, saying it is convenient. I said there are too many cars on the road, so be careful. He answered: It doesn’t matter, I I know how to wear a condom. He originally meant "safety helmet".

Quantifier

The quantifier in Chinese also gave Hemingway a big headache. I asked him what he meant by "a good man". He said: "A good-looking man means a thin, tall and good-looking man. He explained that "one" naturally means long and straight, and "a good man" should of course be a good-looking man.

Another time he told me that he saw "a puppy" on the highway. . I immediately corrected that it should be a puppy, but he retorted with a serious expression that it was definitely a puppy, because the puppy had been run over by the car, and the crushed puppy naturally turned into a puppy, so Just like a piece of paper or a photo.

In addition, Hemingway plausibly defended things like "a pair of trousers" because trousers have two legs, and two are a pair. That's right. I even argue with Chinese people, insisting that it should be "a set of butts", which sounds very funny.

All kinds of "juice"

Once, I tested Hemingway's idiom ability: "Wring out the ___ juice"

The result is:

"Wring out the ink", "Wring out the milk", " "Wring out the juice", "Wring out the soup".

Ha! "You are really 'racking your brains' and you didn't come up with 'racking your brains'." ”

Jam