Probably in the middle of a busy city, sitting on a crowded subway, like everyone else, expressionless;
Maybe I fall in love with my lover, or I live a plain and beautiful life with my other half, but sometimes it always feels like this;
It may also be that going to work day after day, turning around and doing something that everyone will do is not irreplaceable, and I don't know when I will arrive;
It may also be that people around you are talking about the same things, kissing up to the same things, going to the same places and watching similar scenery.
During the day, we talked and laughed as usual, but in the dead of night, staring at the ceiling, the loneliness in our hearts spread endlessly …
Some people may think it's melodramatic, and it's that we complain about our lack of achievements, but I really can't categorically deny that this feeling doesn't exist.
"Many people, even in Winesburg, have to die alone. “
When it comes to loneliness, the first thing that comes to my mind is a collection of short stories by sherwood anderson, an American writer.
This collection of stories consists of 25 short stories, almost all of which revolve around a protagonist and tell the life in the small town of Winsburg. This town is like a closed space isolated from the world. There are only a handful of houses in it, and there are them in every street and shop. People in small towns also look up and see each other. Their story is unbelievable and full of grotesque. It is in this abnormality and strangeness that we seem to be the audience watching the incubator in the laboratory. Everyone inside screamed at the top of their lungs in a transparent glass cover, but they got no response. All the stories make people wonder, is life destined to be a lonely absurd drama?
There is a story in this collection called Adventure, with Alice as the protagonist? Hindeman, she once had a lover. They vowed to be together forever, but then the man went to the city. Before leaving, he promised to come back to pick her up, but as we expected, he never came back, and Alice lived alone in her heart. In order to find him, she saved money so hard that saving money became a habit. Just like a miser who goes to his coffers every night to count money and smell it, she takes out all her savings every day and prays that she has enough money to find him and do what he likes for him.
Later, the man in her heart became a shackle. She longed for new people to enter her poor and lonely life, but she refused other men except her first boyfriend. Obviously, there are trains whizzing by near her work place every day. In her eyes, the road to the outside world is like a toy. She is so contradictory, depressed, lonely and even deformed.
Then one day, on a rainy night, she suddenly took off all her clothes and ran into the rainy night, hoping that the rain would bring her some magical things. She ran and shouted wildly, hoping to find any man. When she saw a man walking on a rainy night, wild and desperate feelings immediately came to her mind. She called out to him.
The man on the sidewalk stopped. He is old, ugly and a little deaf. He said, "What? What did you say? "
Alice suddenly woke up, or completely collapsed. She collapsed to the ground and staggered home. She turned her head to the wall and forced herself to face the fact bravely: many people, even in Winsburg, had to live and die alone.
Maybe she wants this loneliness, because it is obvious that she can escape from this lonely and closed town by train, and she can accept other men around her and start the next relationship. But there are no invisible shackles and shackles in anyone's heart. Maybe you know it is a door between you and everything around you, but you just can't get out and no one else can get in. That narrow and dark space will give birth to infinite loneliness when you are alone, even when everyone is partying, such as Pandora's Box.
Previously, there was a very popular loneliness ranking index on the Internet. For example, the first level of loneliness is to go to the supermarket alone, the fifth level of loneliness is to eat hot pot alone, and the tenth level of loneliness is to have surgery alone. Later, when chatting with friends, some people said that they like to eat hot pot alone and don't feel lonely. If you go to Haidilao alone, the clerk will give you a bear to sit opposite you and have dinner with you. Later, I thought, the role of this bear should only be to go to the toilet when you are halfway through your meal. The clerk won't think that no one is taking the meal. I didn't feel so lonely at first, but when I think about it, I can't help but feel a little funny and sad.
In the past, I never felt lonely when I went to school and lived alone in other places. Although I am alone most of the time every day, I don't feel sad. Every day I feel as energetic as chicken blood. But now suddenly at a certain moment, the world seems to have stood still for half a second at that moment, and suddenly realized the meanings of the words "wandering" and "duckweed" that people often say.
Midnight, just like Alice, he can't stand it. He dialed the telephone number of the woman he had been having an affair with for some time. In the night when pessimism and loss are infinitely magnified, two lonely souls collide with each other in an incredible way. She remembers a scene in Osamu Dazai's "Disqualification on Earth", in which the young hero wandered around midnight and had a good time with different women. But when he woke up, when the dawn broke through the sky, the sky was a fish-belly white. When he saw the messy cups and plates drunk the night before, he felt lonely at that moment.
They didn't have much pleasantries at first. She didn't know what he was thinking. He seems to need her very much. She didn't even know what she was thinking. It seems that she needs him very much, but they don't need another person to promise to take charge of anything. Two people who don't have much in common, whether for acting or for physical needs, kiss and touch each other and return to normal life like strangers the next day.
Perhaps these two people have formed some kind of "tacit understanding", and they even appreciate each other a little.
Compared with the loneliness she felt when she woke up in the novel, she even felt that she had a little emotional support for this booty call. Is this more lonely than the kind of loneliness described by Osamu Dazai? I think she is a little ridiculous and sad.
"I used to think that a sense of security was a promise, a firm hand when crossing the road, and a broad hug when I was afraid. Now, what gives me a sense of security is the wallet and key that I put in my pocket when I go out, and the mobile phone shows full charge. "
Looking through the mobile phone, watching concerts in the circle of friends, love programs, food programs, inspirational quotations, tearing up Xiaosan's articles, parents' brief ramblings, her love for him and his emotional stories, various survival rules in the workplace ... tossing and turning, changing the medicine is all trivial things in life, and our lives seem to be submerged in these trivial and even vulgar things one by one, as if we can't get rid of reincarnation. I put the phone down for a while and picked it up for a while. I don't know what I'm looking at, just bored, anxious and scared.
A while ago, Xiaonan received a proposal text message from a fellow villager. Although they have known each other for a long time, they haven't said a few words since they went to school. Naturally, they are not so familiar with each other. However, Xiao Nan was not surprised to receive this news, because she knew that he had been choosing the right person and could marry him as soon as possible. She is also a member of his candidate list.
I don't know how to answer, he wants to marry her as soon as possible. There is an old saying, "If you love someone, you will fall in love with a city". Xiaonan feels that if he chooses a city and dies, he has to have some emotional sustenance for it. If you choose a person and have a white head, you also need some emotional foundation. In feelings, double negation does not follow the law of negative income and cannot bring positive results. In the infinite emptiness and loneliness, we only pursue the result, not the process, and treat only the love we want to manage carefully.
Why does love, which seeks a person and grows old together, become a shelter against the loneliness that we have nowhere to put? The loneliness of one person has already increased the troubles and loneliness of two people. When the flame of love goes out, only this emptiness remains.
There are always explosive articles on the Internet saying that "low-quality socialization is not as good as high-quality solitude". I don't care. Who wants to be alone if you can socialize? After all, human beings are a gregarious species, but why do we always have such a gap in our hearts? If there is a vacuum, no one will really understand. We expect life to open this closed door, and don't let this claustrophobic space imprison us again, but life has never treated every life as tenderly as imagined. It deliberately left such a small box for us to suffer.
Going deep into the inner loneliness, I don't think it is the learning to get along with yourself mentioned in the article. There is no cure for this loneliness. Just like our organs. It can't be separated, and I can't make it disappear. Watching Waiting for Godot is absurd, but without the general disguise of life, our life is even more bizarre.
There is a book that says
Although loneliness makes us cry and worry, it also makes us think about the meaning of life. The seemingly indistinguishable loneliness may be the reason why different individuals try different ways of thinking, which makes each of us a unique whale in this universe.