1, dating my girlfriend, I saw someone in front who looked like my girlfriend, so I went up and patted her ass. She slapped me as soon as she turned her head. Then someone patted me on the shoulder ... My girlfriend slapped me as soon as I turned my head.

2, military training standing posture, legs are very sour, instructors let everyone think of beautiful things. After a while, the person next to me said: I am hard!

3. Go to a friend's house to play. It happened that my friend's wife was breastfeeding, and it happened that the child refused to breastfeed. So he joked to the child: Eat quickly, or uncle will eat. 55555, I dare not see them.

4. At school, the school was a bungalow. When school started in September, many new students came. One day, a freshman seemed to be the class representative of a pile of homework and asked me, "Where is the math office?" "Next to the men's room." The math office is really next to the men's room, but on the left. The man went to the right side of the men's room and shouted "Report" at the door. There was a "no entry" voice from inside!

5. I got drunk one day and peed. Open the zipper in front of the urinal, hold down JJ, and then solve it smoothly. However. . I feel my crotch getting wetter and wetter. . . When I opened my eyes and looked down carefully, I found that I had just held each other's thumb. . . . . Silence. .

6. I remember going to college at that time and living separately from my boyfriend. I usually keep in touch with my mobile phone every day. One day, I called his cell phone and stopped. I happened to go downstairs to the grocery store and charged him 20 yuan. Unexpectedly, just back to the dormitory, my boyfriend's phone came. He said: haha, I didn't expect there to be such an XB person in the world, charging the phone bill to my mobile phone ... I immediately hung three black lines on my head. ...

7, drunk, dizzy to go home, go home and throw up soon. The next morning, my wife said: eat and drink when you eat out, and don't go home to report what you ate.

8. In Grade Three, our history teacher is called Wen Jian. There was an emperor Wen Jian in the Ming Dynasty. One day in ancient history, a history teacher came into the classroom and said "class". The students below shouted "Long live my emperor" in unison (planned in advance, of course). Tough, the history teacher calmly replied: "Everyone loves youth ~ stand up." Orz~ embarrassed ~ ~ the whole class is still standing at this time. ....

9. In the first aid class in the university, the professor gave a demonstration while talking: Professor: Press the chest with both hands, not too hard, just press 2~3cm, it is easy to crush the patient's ribs with too much force! Professor: Let's look at the demonstration (press your hand hard). Click! The model's ribs are broken. Sorry to say, class is over ~

10, go to my boyfriend's house for the night, take a shower, and use it when you see a bar of soap. I feel very strange when I use it. After washing, my boyfriend kissed me. I smelled something wrong and asked, "You didn't bathe Frye with soap, did you?"

1 1. My wife looked at the photo of my little nephew not long after he was born and smiled and said,' Look, there is a penis'. As a result, my little nephew coldly threw him the word' rogue'.

12, last night with my wife * *, she was lying on the table, in progress, only to see her hand touch the table twice, and even picked up a walnut and began to bite. I broke down and said, honey, we only do it once a week. Can you be professional?

13, I suddenly received a phone call that day: "Guess who I am? Guess there is a gift! " I guessed all possible people, and they were wrong. Later, I got angry and asked, "Who are you? Don't say I'm dead! " As a result, the man said, "I am a courier, and you have a package ..." I vomited blood at that time.

14, advice when least heeded! 1. If you are a man, please don't have a dog. If you have a dog, don't have a dog that can jump into bed. If your dog can jump on the bed, you shouldn't sleep naked. If you really like sleeping naked, don't keep a dog with sausage. 5, a lesson from the past ~ ~ ~, mopper should remember!

15, is this your own photo? It's beautiful. It saved me a lot of money. I don't have to eat this year.

16, I passed a street that day and found that there were princesa stations all over the street. One of them greeted me warmly: "Handsome boy, come and play ~" I shouted at her gruffly: "I like men!" So she didn't bother to look at me again and left without looking back. Actually, I'm telling the truth. I do like men. I was wearing a sun hat, sunglasses and jeans that day. I am taller. I cut off my long hair because it is too hot in summer. More importantly, it seems that I have to get breast enhancement. ...

17, I went to dinner with my colleagues after work today. We ordered a plate of scrambled eggs with Chili peppers and found a hair in it. Then my colleague picked up his hair with chopsticks and shouted, boss ~ ~ What do you think this is? When the boss saw it, he shouted, Come on! Change a pair of chopsticks for this lady.

18, Fetion sent a short message to her boyfriend, and the result was sent to a well-connected fellow villager, which read, "Husband, don't worry, my aunt is here ..."

19, after going to physical education class in the morning, I was so hungry that I ran to the restaurant for dinner. There were so many people, it was too crowded and messy, so I shouted to my aunt who cooked rice, "Hurry up!" Aunt shouted to the cook inside, "Come into the house quickly! Beggars are impatient. "

20. Visiting the supermarket, I saw a cashier carefully counting a pile of coins. A child ran over and sang: There are a group of ducks passing by the bridge in front of the door. Come and count, 24678. . . . Then the cashier was very depressed and poured the half-counted coins back and counted them again. ....

2 1, when I was in the fifth and sixth grades of primary school, I watched TV at my cousin's house one night. Watch CCTV-6. When it comes to sex scenes, my aunt will change the channel with the remote control and say that children can't watch this. The younger brother grabbed the remote control and shouted, don't worry, CCTV won't turn it off. 22. Once I was playing with a classmate's computer and found a folder full of * * * movies downloaded from the Internet. It occurred to me that I set one of the pictures as his desktop, and then I waited for him to come back and turn on the computer. Unexpectedly, I never came back. Later, I was hungry and went out to eat. When I came back, I found that his computer was gone. Half an hour later, I saw him eating shit with his computer on his back. So he is.

My wife bought new clothes and couldn't wait to put them on. She took a selfie in front of the bathroom mirror and then posted it online to show off. Today, I found a mirror with me sitting naked in the toilet. . . . .

24. My wife and I went to the reclining Buddha Temple to play. My wife can't walk on the road, so I'll carry her. An old woman saw it and said seriously, you see, you are also a scholar. My wife is ill, so it's no use going to the hospital earlier.

25, get off the carport to get the car, see no one around, very heroic put a P, resulting in a loud noise of the electric motorcycle burglar alarm next door.

26. My QQ pet died (named Baby), and then my mood in QQ space was updated to: In memory of the baby, my fellow villager saw me and thought I had a miscarriage, and told her mother, who told my mother. As a result, my parents don't answer my phone now, so they call in with another number and hang up as soon as they hear my voice.

27. My parents said that I stayed in a hotel with them when I was young. When I got up in the morning, they found me brushing my teeth skillfully with a toothbrush. The problem was that the washbasin in the hotel was higher than mine, so they asked me how to fill it. I took them into the toilet and pointed to the toilet. ...

I had dinner with my friends the day before yesterday. I got drunk and slipped out of the restaurant to throw up. There is a car next to me. Unexpectedly, a policeman came. "Drive away, this is a no-parking area!" Because disgusting don't want to talk with the wave, "what's the matter? Drink? " I took out my walkie-talkie and called a tow truck. Seeing the car being dragged further and further, "disgusting! It's not my car, how to drive it! ? "

29, the cat high school Chinese mock exam, I heard that the highest score of this version of the exam is 139 (full score 150) before the exam is issued. At that time, I yelled, MD, is it human? After getting that high, I found that the test paper was my own. ....

30. In the evening, the supermarket bought a quick-frozen jiaozi promotion mm and greeted me warmly, dragging me over: Try it! ! Well, it's very kind of you to refuse. I took a bite of chewing gum and kept staring at me after promoting MM. When I finished eating, she asked seriously: Is it cooked? I'll pick it up when it's ripe .....

3 1, GF is on a business trip and asked me to buy a sexy pajamas. I said I miss you. Send me a recent photo. Ask me if I should wear photos or take them off? Great joy! Busy answer: take off the photo! Take off your picture! The next day, a photo of sexy pajamas hanging on a stool came from the mailbox. ....

32. The kitten has a friend who shares a room with a girl. One night, she was depressed, and then * * thoughtfully cooked her a bowl of noodles. She felt very warm and said,' just make do.' I didn't expect * * to say,' You don't have a man, I do! "

Sitting on the bus this morning, a mother and daughter behind me were talking. Her mother was testing her and said, "We have 20 apples at home. You ate five. How many? " The little girl thought for a moment and said, "15." After a while, the little girl said to her mother, "Mom, I have a question for you, too. I have ten fingers. My father cut me two, and the teacher cut me one. How many fingers do I have? " ....

34. Last time I went to a restaurant for dinner, I talked to my friends about making a short film. Friends insist on filming for 30 minutes, and I insist on 10 minutes is enough. At some point, the chicken began to freeze. I stood up on striking the table and shouted, "What's wrong with being short?" ? What's wrong with being short? This thing depends on technology! "Then I feel that people around me are casting pity eyes. ...

35. I once waited for my friend at the bus stop, just beside the traffic lights, and I stood there waiting. The sidewalk turned red at the green light. At this time, a 60-year-old grandmother rushed out, and the taxi coming to her suddenly braked. The driver was very angry and put his head out of the window and scolded, "Grandma, I want to die, and suddenly I rushed out and said, you." The old woman immediately replied, "Is it true? Young man, don't make grandma happy! " Everyone standing on the bus platform is dizzy ~ ~ ~

36. In middle school, the physics teacher gave lectures. Triboelectricity said: We take off our sweaters in winter. The sweater creaked. And lightning. But not in summer. Why? Boy in the back: Because I don't wear sweaters in summer.

37. There used to be a baby (male) in our dormitory, who was honest, a little stupid, and sometimes stupid and cute. Once after the lights went out at night, everyone was chatting again. He said, when I have money, I'll find three girls. We were provoked by him and asked him what happened next, but he calmly said, playing mahjong …