The most pitiable child in "Little Joy" is none other than Qiao Yingzi.

Living in a divorced family, she was sensitive and had low self-esteem, worked hard but was helpless. She finally suffered from depression, which aroused the true reflection and love of her parents.

In psychological consultation, experts pointed out directly: It is not the divorce itself that causes great harm to children, but the relationship between parents.

Children with psychological trauma are no longer a special case of divorced families. Many people are still holding on to unsatisfactory marriages for their children. However, you may not know that the following four types of relationships between couples can cause more harm to children than divorce.

01. Quarreling.

My office colleague Xiaobei is a female master's degree assigned to the company in 2011. She is tall, good-looking, capable, and treats people well. However, at the age of 35, she has never solved her lifelong issues.

There were also introductions from colleagues, childhood sweethearts, class reunions, and encounters by chance, but each relationship did not last long. She counted them carefully and found that she had been in love 5 times in the past 10 years, and the longest one was only 2 months.

When asked why, they all agree that they don’t have the same language.

Examples are often small things such as whether to eat hot pot or Western food, and whether to travel to the north or the south.

A colleague advised Xiaobei that as he gets older, stop being pretentious. Those are just trivial matters, as long as the three views are consistent.

But Xiaobei said that it is precisely because small things are more important that they are more important. This is where the quarrels in marriage come from.

Recently, I asked Xiaobei for his opinion on whether his child should have accommodation in junior high school. Xiaobei’s opinion was to insist on accommodation.

She said that she strongly requested boarding in the fifth grade because she studied well, had kind teachers and close friends at school, had no worries, and had no quarrels, so boarding life should not be too good. .

She said that she lived in dormitories from the fifth grade of elementary school until she graduated with a master's degree, and she still insists on living in the workplace.

When asked about the reason, she said that her parents often quarreled, arguing about the sweetness and saltiness of a meal, the storage of dirty clothes, the amount of filial piety to the elderly, the uneven credit of their brothers and sisters... they argued all day long. Non-stop.

But at that time, divorce was not popular, and there were no conditions for separation, so he spent most of his life in constant quarrels.

So, Xiaobei is very sensitive to quarrels, so much so that when she realizes that a quarrel is about to happen, she has already shouted stop and is silent in her heart, so any relationship she has is a result of long-standing grievances that cannot be tolerated. Say nothing and let it go.

02. Defame each other.

"My father cheated on me, but I hate my mother even more." Zhang Juan said with tears, "Otherwise, at least I still have a good father."

The marriage of Zhang Juan's parents was not Although they are happy, noisy and disagreements are the norm, but Zhang Juan’s mother is sharp-tongued and often scolds her father.

My father is content with his duties, but my mother calls him a loser and a loser;

My father is not sociable, and my mother scolds him for making dog meat buns unworthy of publicity;

My father often Thinking about delicious food, my mother despises him for being too lazy to eat...

What my mother didn't expect the most was that her father, whom she looked down upon in every possible way, was attracted by someone else.

Yes, my 42-year-old father cheated on me.

After her mother discovered that her father had cheated on her, she immediately informed Zhang Juan, who was in the third grade of junior high school at the time.

"Your father is a thief. He steals things from home to support people outside."

"Your father is selfish and shameless. He is in his 40s and still cheats to follow the trend." "

"Your father has the cheating gene in his genes. You don't know that your grandma and your aunt..."

"Your father is with another woman. If I don’t want this family, I won’t want you anymore. If he has another son, you will be completely disappointed.”

…

Zhang Juan’s mother poured out all her resentment towards her husband. To the young and ignorant Zhang Juan.

From then on, there was hatred and resentment, but more importantly, confusion. Zhang Juan no longer had a father, and she hated her mother even more.

Zhang Juan cried and complained that after she got married many years later, she was slandered by her partner and forced to divorce, and then she realized: One person may not be another person's good partner, but he may always be. A good parent who loves his children.

03. Indifference to each other.

Yihong can’t remember exactly when her parents started talking less and less to each other.

But on New Year’s Day 10 years ago, when the family moved from a two-bedroom apartment to a three-bedroom apartment, the parents began to separate. There is an exact date.

They seldom argued or quarreled, so they separated.

But it has obviously been a long-standing plot, because the layout of the new home is three single beds, plus Yihong's study table, mother's bookcase and father's computer.

Each person lives in a separate room and performs his own duties. In addition to eating, he also studies. His mother reads, and his father stocks and plays games. They have nothing to do with each other.

In terms of housework, my mother does the laundry, my father cooks, my mother buys groceries, and my father is responsible for the firewood, rice, oil, and salt. I don’t know when the division of labor has become so clear and orderly.

Once, her father told Yihong that he would go on a business trip and would not be back for about 10 days.

As a result, Yihong accidentally saw the hospitalization receipt from her father's bag. Her father had a heart problem due to a physical examination and had a stent surgery.

During these 10 days, my mother went to and from get off work as usual, fell asleep on time, and was completely unconscious.

In the same year, my mother said she would stay with her aunt who was undergoing menopause for half a month.

Later, the aunt called Yihong and told her that her mother had undergone a hysterectomy and she should be careful in the future.

During this half month, Dad is very happy to be able to do less housework and eat his favorite chili.

My father said that although it costs money to hire a caregiver, it is very reassuring.

My mother said that besides Yihong, she only had one other relative: her aunt.

The temperature of her parents' marriage was as cold as 39, which made Yihong doubt the necessity and significance of marriage.

If you are destined to be lonely, who can prove that two people's indifference to each other is better than one person's pretending to be strong?

04. Refuse to understand.

Recently, there was a question on Toutiao Wukong Q&A: How to end a marriage without hurting the children?

The supplementary explanation of the problem is:

She is too lazy. She doesn’t listen to what her parents say. She quarrels when I talk too much. In her opinion, taking care of the children is the mother-in-law's business, while doing housework is the business of two people. I didn't know she would think like this before getting married. She violated the laws of nature. The ideological work I have done has worn my skin out. These things that normal people think are normal are all hypocritical to her. No man would reason with her every day like me and let her do housework. The child said that I had taken advantage of her. In addition to complaining that the family had no money, she also complained that she had been cheated by me and the betrothal gift was small. I want to say that she just has no self-awareness. She did not have the life of Yang Guifei, and she got Yang Guifei's disease. Can she still see my face despite everything? Of course, it is useless to say all this, but when we have children, is there any way to avoid harming them?

In the eyes of this man, his wife is lazy, dissatisfied, unreasonable, and greedy for money... He also believes that it is the wife's duty to take care of the children and do housework, and she is not allowed to complain.

He even satirized his wife: She didn’t have Concubine Yang’s life, but she contracted Concubine Yang’s disease.

But he never explained from beginning to end whether he was diligent, whether he worked hard to overcome financial difficulties, and whether he had the responsibilities of raising children and doing housework. Instead, he blindly brainwashed his wife and asked her to accept all this.

It is simply wishful thinking to refuse to understand your partner and insist on divorce, and to attribute all the reasons to your partner, without harming your children.

So how to avoid causing more harm to children in marriage than divorce?

Turn arguments into communication. American psychologist and marriage pope John Gottman pointed out in his book "Happy Marriage": How a discussion begins, how it will end... whether you like it or not , the only way to solve marital problems is to seek compromise.

So, the trick to turning quarrels into communication is: start with gentleness and end with compromise.

Be wary of the four horsemen of the apocalypse in communication. Harshness, contempt, defense, and cold war are called the four horsemen of the end of the marital relationship by John Gottman. The end of a marriage will lead to marital pain and disintegration.

What we have to do is to stay away from them.

Accept your partner’s flaws. Don’t place all your unsatisfactory hopes in your marriage on baseless assumptions such as “if only”, “if only”, “that would be great”, etc. Accept your partner’s imperfections just like you accept your own shortcomings.

A common saying: How are you doing? In the book "Happy Marriage", he proposed the concept of "love map": the place in your brain where all relevant life information about your spouse is stored. A lot of cognitive space created between couples for marriage.

That is, the more the husband and wife know each other and the more timely they are updated, the easier it is to achieve the goal of a happy marriage.

The trick to drawing a detailed and accurate love map is to always ask your partner: How are you doing?

Whether it is the influence of the traditional idea of ??loving children, or the acceptance of the recently promoted concept of loving yourself, learning to manage your own marriage is a required course for every adult.

Only when you know the harm can you have the motivation to learn and continue to improve. I hope we can all learn and gain along the way on the road to marriage.