"Xiaoling is a very hypocritical girl", "She is very realistic and heartless, and often plays with good boys" and "She is a two-faced person, like a sensible darling in front of teachers and parents, but often puts on a face that keeps strangers away from us". Such words often appear in the mouths of girls her age around Xiaoling. Actually, Xiaoling is really not the kind of good girl in the traditional sense. She is neither gentle nor kind among a group of girls. Her eyes are always shining with cold light, like envy and ridicule. That kind of light seems to make her look more mature and middle class than her peers. However, in the eyes of her elders, she is a very sensible girl. She studies hard and has a rich after-school life. Her words and deeds are as steady as adults, and she has never been as melodramatic and naive as a girl. In the eyes of boys, she has fatal attraction. Her face is plump and white, and her facial features are delicate. There seem to be many unsolved mysteries in a pair of eyes, but it is because it is difficult to answer that people are more easily attracted to seek answers, which confirms the saying "what you can't get is always the best" Look at her eyes, it seems that she will be taken away by one mystery after another. Xiaoling seems to be a girl that all boys will have a good impression on. She has excellent grades, dignified manners, likes sports and has a wide range of hobbies. She is very close to everyone of the opposite sex, and seems to put herself in their hands gently, so that they can have her and care about her, but she has a sense of alienation from everyone, and no one can really see through her joys and sorrows, her pain and her loneliness. Xiaoling captured the hearts of many people of the opposite sex with this feeling of being at arm's length. They are willing to pay and sacrifice for her, and fall in love with her, but they just can't get her heart. A girl like Xiaoling is often called love rat who plays with feelings.

Displaced, dependent on others, pain makes people grow.

"Childhood is a heavy topic for me." Xiaoling smiled wryly. "A happy childhood is enough to cure a person's life, while an unfortunate childhood needs a lifetime to cure." Happiness and happiness may protect children's innocence and childishness, but cruelty and pain will make children tear off their innocent wings and recognize the reality earlier. In Xiaoling's memory, her pain stems from the days when she was fostered at her grandmother's house. She still can't forget that her parents told her that they were going to do business elsewhere, and she begged them to take her with them. Her parents said she was still young. One day, when she woke up, she couldn't find her parents anymore, so she had to live alone in this strange grandmother's house. She couldn't help crying. "It is normal for children to miss their parents. Wait for her to cry for a few days. What does the little girl know? " Grandma said on the phone. Together with her, she was fostered in grandma's house, and her uncle's son Xiaogang. In grandma's small yard, fruits and vegetables are growing, and the fragrance of flowers often wafts. She is very wise and clever. When she was very young, she helped her grandmother wash dishes, wash chopsticks and sweep the floor. In the dead of winter, she washes clothes with her little hands. The water is cold. In the cold water, it seems that thousands of needles and cones are mercilessly stabbed into her hand. Every time she washes clothes, her little hands are red with cold. "Being liked is very useful, and this idea has taken root in Xiaoling's childish mind. Unlike Xiaoling, Xiaogang is grandma's baby grandson. He never needs to do any housework, but grandma always knits one sweater after another for Xiaogang and tells stories with him in the yard. Xiaoling always hears her say to Xiaogang, "Grandma loves Xiaogang best. "Cherishing means that grandma likes Xiao Gang. Xiaoling always feels jealous from the bottom of her heart when she hears these words. She also wants to be loved and liked. She knows that as long as someone likes her, she can have a warm sweater and a wonderful story, and she no longer has to face complicated housework. Her obsession with being loved may have started at that time. " I still think my parents left me because they didn't like me. The pay between people is only because of the fetters of feelings. Only when someone loves me will someone pay for me. Sometimes I feel I have no choice. There is a huge hole in my heart, and I need a lot of love to fill it. Only in this way can I get rid of that emptiness for a while. "When she said this, her eyes were full of tears, and Xiaoling rarely showed her fragile side to anyone.

Scalded children will never like fire again.

Fifteen years old is a period of emotional ignorance. Boys and girls have gradually discovered that apart from friendship, there is another inexplicable feeling between the opposite sex, and youth is quietly sprouting between such incomprehension. "I think the most beautiful girl in our class is Xiaoling" has attracted the attention of the whole class. This is the first compliment Xiaoling heard in her memory. "I clearly remember that I blushed at that time. Before that, I always felt a little transparent. I have never had many friends, and I seldom see my parents several times a year. The first time I heard someone shout out my name so loudly, I had a feeling that I didn't understand it. Is it the joy of being suddenly concerned? Is it the withdrawal caused by inferiority complex? Still afraid of being noticed? I don't understand. " The source of crying is a boy named Xiao Yang. His face is childish, but his facial features reveal sunshine, his personality is handsome, and his eyes reveal cleverness and cunning. Afterwards, everyone realized that Xiao Yang's crying was just a challenge to complete the game of "truth or adventure". "I had a lot of thoughts in my mind at that time, as if there was always a voice asking,' Does Xiao Yang like me?' But immediately another voice retorted, "He's just playing games." Truth or dare, will what he said be his truth? ... I'm just ashamed, and I don't want anyone to find out about these ideas. "But since then, everything has been different. Xiaoling often has some small notes on her desk with some exciting love stories written on them. Inscription is a "Yang" word. Xiaoling will hold her palm quietly every time. When everyone is listening carefully, she will secretly open it and read "You are a beautiful little angel" and "When I am my little princess, I will guard you like a soldier." ... Xiao Yang's handwriting is beautiful, although it is not correct, "I really thought this was love. I began to be cautious about this relationship. Although I was shy and didn't show my heart to him, in my heart, I was afraid of losing this relationship. " Girls who have never been spoiled since childhood are always moved by subtle warmth. "The teacher lost a watch. Who took it? " That afternoon, the class teacher was very angry. "If no one admits it, I will call the police." The students looked at each other. It's time to go home from school, but they were all detained because of the thief's behavior. "Check each other at the same table, there can't be students stealing in our class!" As soon as the voice fell, there was the sound of rummaging through the pencil-box and backpack in the classroom. Suddenly, a word made the whole classroom quiet for a moment. "Teacher, there is a silver watch in Xiaoling's pencil box. "Everyone has seen the silver watch in the hand of the teacher in charge. The head teacher took the watch and said, "Xiaoling, please explain." Xiaoling saw the anger in her eyes at a glance. "At that time, I didn't know why the watch appeared in my pencil case. I looked down and didn't dare to look at the head teacher. When I saw Xiao Yang's face, I seemed to understand it instantly. " "Yes ... I took it, and I ... I want the money." After saying this, Xiaoling wanted to find a crack in the ground, and tears fell to her mouth, salty. No matter whether this tear is because of injustice or fear, in the eyes of the angry class teacher, it is the tears of repentance shed by the child who was found to have made a mistake. "Xiaoling will invite your parents to school tomorrow, and the other students will go home." The next day, Xiaoling's parents didn't come to school because they were too busy at work. The head teacher found her watch and her anger subsided, so she didn't pursue it. "On that day, I felt that the whole class looked at me differently from usual." Xiaoling thinks this is a sacrifice for love, and she doesn't regret it. For several days later, Xiao Yang didn't talk to her again, and there was no note on her desk. "What happened later? Later, I put a note to let him know this after school. He told me in the Woods behind the playground that he couldn't let others think that he liked a thief. It is purely voluntary for me to take the blame for him. " Xiaoling speaks lightly. "Before leaving, he left a sentence,' It's not like I forced you to do this. If it's important, you can report me. "After that, I left without looking back." "So, do you still have those notes?" "burned."

Once you enjoy the warmth, you can no longer stand loneliness and meanness.

The following year, Xiaoling faced the senior high school entrance examination. The tension of exams and the pressure of further studies make these teenagers concentrate on their studies. "That was my darkest hour. After Xiao Yang's incident, I seem to gradually understand that loving this thing has advantages and disadvantages. The beauty of a skin will only get superficial love, and only when it gets better can it get deeper love. " Xiaoling said, and sighed. She is so eager to be taken care of, but she never dares to love someone wholeheartedly again. So she began to enrich her life and make herself excellent. But this idea has even gradually become an obsession. The classmates around her have a bad feeling for her because of theft, or because they are busy with their studies, they are increasingly alienated from Xiaoling. "I used to hate my imperfect self. I felt that I had no friends." During that time, Xiaoling stayed up all night, just trying to get higher grades, but the noise in her heart made her impetuous, her grades dropped, and psychological pressure even made her look haggard and lost her beautiful luster. "At that time, I really seemed to fall into the bottom. There is no one to accompany me and no one to talk to. I can't forgive myself for not being good enough. That was my darkest hour. " Xiao Jian thus entered Xiaoling's life. "I also forgot what day it is today. It should be shortly before the exam. He and the class teacher proposed to change to my deskmate. " Xiao Jian is an ordinary boy with an ordinary appearance. In Xiaoling's impression, his sense of existence is very weak, so Xiaoling didn't take his job change seriously, and didn't even say a word to him for a week. "This problem should be done like this." While Xiaoling was trying to solve the math problem, Xiao Jian offered to help her. "I was very surprised at the time. In my impression, people around me don't seem to like talking to me very much. " Xiaoling finally said thank you to him. From then on, Xiao Jian often discussed exercises with Xiaoling, and Xiaoling always said thank you to him. "Since Xiao Jian started talking to me, I seem to have calmed down. It seems that the mire that got me deeper and deeper suddenly collapsed. I sincerely thank him. In the most difficult period, he made me feel less sad. " Later, Xiaoling graduated. "I didn't go to the graduation party that day. Later, the diploma and souvenirs were sent to my home together. Xiao Jian? I thought Xiao Jian was willing to take care of me and treat me well because he "loved" me. At that time, I even had the impulse to accept his love, but I was over the age of believing in love. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with Xiao Jian, and I can't guarantee that he will always be good to me. " After graduation, Xiaoling never contacted Xiao Jian again. "I am very grateful for the warmth he gave me, but the rest of my life has nothing to do with him." The lack of care in childhood, Xiao Yang's betrayal, and the unbearable past events in Xiaoling's life made Xiaoling no longer have the ability to love and be loved, and she fell into a whirlpool of pain emotionally. In others' eyes, she seems to be a popular and emotional love rat, but only she knows that she has become an emotional puppet. Love is like drugs to her. "I don't believe in love from my heart, but I can't lose it." Some people say that' the more a person lacks, the more he wants', and I feel very sad. "Xiaoling's story ends here.