211 points for super classic jokes

joke

piano for telling time

Hans boasted to his friends, "My piano is really amazing. Whenever I play crazily, I will

report the time." My friend didn't believe me, so he began to play wildly. Suddenly, the wall was knocked and the mountain rang. An old woman shouted, "Stop arguing, it's already twelve o'clock."

Complaining

The police officer who executed the death penalty walked into the cell and announced the order to the prisoner while shaking his raincoat. The prisoner

said in surprise, "Go to the execution ground in such a heavy rain?" The police officer said, "What can you complain about? I have to come back in the rain!" "

A dirge

The sailor dragged the first mate into the office in a panic, but he still couldn't say a word for a long time. The first mate couldn't bear it any longer, he said loudly; "Sing it, sing it!" The sailor

took a deep breath and sang, "The old friend will be forgotten, and he can never come back to us.

Our captain fell into the water, one and a half years behind us."

mixed feelings of sadness and joy

Ted Robinson was informed by the police station to claim the lost property. At the police station, a smiling policeman said to him. "Are you Mr. Ted Robinson?"

"I am." He replied. "Your bike has been found. It was found in a small village four hundred miles away five days ago. It has been transported to your home by train now. "

Ted was very surprised to hear the news. He didn't expect that the

bike stolen when he was fifteen years old twenty years ago was found back.

The north wind goes home

A sailboat returns to the port. The captain said angrily to the weatherman, "According to your weather forecast, we thought it was the north wind, but in fact the upper hand was blowing in the opposite direction!" "

"yes, captain," the weatherman said quietly, "this is because the north wind has turned around again."

Putting the cart before the horse

Schmier fell and Jonkel laughed gloatingly. Schmuer said, "What! Haven't you

read the sentence "Don't be glad when the enemy falls" in the Bible? "

Jonkel said, "Yes,' you shouldn't be happy because the enemy fell', that's right, but

didn't say you shouldn't be happy because your friend fell!"

instinctive reaction

Mr. and Mrs. Brown live in a small house near London with their children. Sometimes Mr. Brown comes home late from work. When his wife and children are asleep, he opens the front door of the house with his own key and quietly walks into the house.

One night, when he came home late, he lost his key, so he had to go to the house and ring the doorbell, but there was movement inside. He rang the bell again, but there was still no movement in the room. Mr. Brown only

knocked on the bedroom window and shouted at his wife, but she didn't wake up.

At last, he stopped, thought for a moment, and then said like a child, "Mom! I want to go to the toilet

! " He spoke softly, but Mrs. Brown woke up at once.

A leopard cannot change his spots

"Dear, I love you very much," the husband said to his wife, "but you should stop finding fault with everything

. This is driving me crazy. Well, I bet you can't stay sick for a minute. "

"ok, let's start now." The wife said.

after a while, she blurted out, "It's as hot as hell in this house. Why do you always turn down the

air conditioner? " "ha! I knew you couldn't have a minute without finding fault. " Husband

couldn't help crying out loud.

"Even so," admitted the wife, "how long did I persist?" "Three seconds."

"Three seconds, fuck you!" The wife yelled at her husband, "Didn't I tell you not to buy a foreign watch?"? Those watches are not accurate at all! " After work, Mrs. John was still cleaning the room when her husband came back from work. Her clothes were dirty and old, her hair was unkempt and her face was dusty. Her husband said,

"I came back from a hard day's work and saw you like this?" Their neighbor, Mrs. Smith, happened to be there. When she heard Mr. John's words, she hurried home, carefully freshened up and waited for her husband to come back.

when Mr. Smith got home, it was very late. He slowly pushed open the door, and when he saw his wife, he was stunned. Then he angrily shouted,

"What are you going to do tonight?"

A laundry list of stupid thieves

KFC: Two men tied a chain to the front of the ATM so that the bumper of a trailer tied to one end tried to tear off the shell of the ATM. As a result, it was not the case of the ATM that was torn off, but the bumper of the trailer. Very scared, they fled the scene in a trailer. And the chain is still in the ATM. The bumper is still tied with a chain, and the license plate of the car is still hung on the bumper.

A man went to the pharmacy, took out his gun, declared robbery, and then took out a big bag and put it on his head

-then he found that he had forgotten to punch holes in the bag.

The policeman asked a thief who was caught red-handed, "Why do you have to steal from this store?"

The thief replied, "Because this shop is close to my residence. You know, the society is so chaotic at present that I dare not leave my home for too long. "

A laundry list of stupid thieves

A man went to the pharmacy, took out his gun, declared robbery, and then took out a big bag and put it on his head

-then he found that he had forgotten to punch holes in the bag.

The policeman asked a thief who was caught red-handed, "Why do you have to steal from this store?"

The thief replied, "Because this shop is close to my residence. You know, the society is so chaotic at present that I dare not leave my home for too long. "

Bikini

Wife: "If I go out in a bikini, how will everyone react?"

Husband: "Then people will think that I married after your money."

Competition

There is a wedding ceremony in the church. Someone is whispering. "Why do the bride and groom hold hands?" "It's a habit, just like two boxers shake hands before a match."

Competition

Tom: "John, how is your little brother?" John: "He is injured and lying on the bed."

Tom: "That's too bad. How did this happen?"

John: "We played a game to see who could lean out of the window further, and he won."

Have a competition

On New Year's Eve, there was a man lying on the road. The onlookers asked noisily, "What's the matter with you?"

The man shouted angrily, "Try drinking as much as I do!"

Same to you

Fiancee: "I don't have the courage to tell your father about my debts."

fiancee: "you men are cowards! My father didn't have the courage to tell you about his debts. "

Picasso's paintings

Since Picasso's abstract paintings became popular, many people pretend to be Picasso's students. An

painter held an abstract art exhibition, which attracted many people. An old woman stood in front of a painting and muttered in

language: [What on earth is this painting] Next to her, a person who knows how to paint said: [It's a self-portrait of the painter] < The man said: [It's his wife] The old woman nodded and said:

[ I hope they don't have children! ! ]

Sleeping behind closed doors

A tramp was sleeping on a bench in Hyde Park, and the park manager came forward and said, "Hey! I want to

close the door! " The tramp turned over and said, "Good, buddy, be careful not to make too much noise, okay?"

Close your eyes and look in the mirror

When my mother saw her daughter standing in front of the mirror with her eyes closed, she asked her daughter, "What's the matter with you?"

"I want to see what I look like when I sleep."

avoid more, and there will be less

a student with a poor family. One day, when he was going to visit an elder, he wanted to get a haircut and shave first, but there were only twenty-five babies in his pocket. However, he walked into a barber shop.

"How much does a haircut cost?" He asked the barber.

"Fifty students are born too volts." At that time, the teacher answered.

"What about shaving?"

"Twenty-five students are born too volts."

"Then, please shave my hair!"

once upon a time, in a village, there was a monk who thought he was great because he could write a few poems. He often

boasted himself in front of people and belittled others. As it happens, there is a person in the village who also loves to write poems. Every time he finishes writing, he

gives it to the monk for his advice. Monks just find fault with their eggs and try to find something wrong with their hands. The man was

annoyed, so he deliberately copied a poem written by the monk himself, and when he became a monk, he handed it to him in front of all the donors. When the monk saw that he had written the poem himself, he was a little panicked. He can neither say that poetry is not

good, but also want to belittle that person. What should we do? The monk closed his eyes and meditated for a while, then said word for word, "Well, the poem is well written. However, your handwriting is too bad! "

Change your mind too quickly

A general was training his soldiers to stand at attention, take a rest, turn left and right, etc. After several minutes of training, a soldier

Jack stepped out of the queue and shouted at the general discontentedly, "I'm tired of it. You changed your mind ten times in a few minutes!"

table

After dinner, the husband asked his wife: Dear, I wonder why women display their wisdom

and are far less than their appearance.

The wife replied: Because most men are stupid, but they are rarely blind.

Don't be afraid

One day, the police found a little girl wandering alone in the street. She couldn't tell her name or where she lived.

The policeman began to rummage through her pockets helplessly, hoping to find some clues.

The little girl didn't resist, but she said softly, "Don't be afraid, I don't have a gun."

Stop counting

When my husband and I travel by car with our six children, I'm sure our big family

will attract people's attention. However, when a station wagon with many small brains overtook us from behind, < P > I was taken aback. "How many children are there in that car?" One of us asked.

when we caught up with the car, we found that there was a small sign hanging on the back window of the car, which read

several big words: "Don't count, one ***14!"

refrigerator

A circus strongman had a beautiful wife, but he was very suspicious. Someone thinks his wife

is cheating on him and hooking up with others. In a hurry to get home, he ran to the fourth floor apartment and rushed into the bedroom, and found that

his wife was busy dressing and tidying her messy hair. Two martini glasses by the bedside and two still-lit cigarettes in the ashtray made him more convinced. He began to look for his wife's lover in every corner of the apartment.

As soon as he entered the kitchen, he caught a glimpse of a man rushing down the street while dressing. Hercules grabbed the nearest thing, which happened to be a refrigerator. He smashed the refrigerator through the window and killed the young man on the spot, but he couldn't bear such a blow and died of a heart attack. The next day, three people were interrogated by St. Peter at the Pearl Gate. St Peter asked the first man

how he died. "I didn't have time to go to an appointment, and I was in a hurry to go out. Suddenly, a refrigerator hit me on the head." "What about you?" St Peter asked the Hercules. "My Lord, I'm lifting that ice box ..." "That's enough, needless to say!" The bodyguard severely reprimanded the words that interrupted Hercules. "Where's your brother?" "St. Peter," the third man replied, "I'm hiding in that refrigerator."

Not pregnant

A lady jumped into a taxi and said, "Please drive to the First Obstetrics and Gynecology Hospital. Don't panic

-I work there. "

medical history

the new dean of the insane asylum walked up to a patient and asked him why he entered the insane asylum. The patient asked

A: "Doctor, it's like this. I married a widow with an adult daughter, while my father

married her daughter. So my wife became the mother-in-law of her father-in-law, and her daughter became my stepdaughter < P > and stepmother. My stepmother gave birth to a son, who became the grandson of my brother and my wife. I also

had a son who became his grandfather's brother-in-law and his own uncle's uncle. On the other hand, when my father mentioned his grandson, he said it was his brother-in-law, and my son called his sister his grandparent. Now I think I am my mother's father, my grandson's brother, and my wife is his son-in-law's daughter-in-law and his grandson's sister. Now I don't know whether I am my grandfather, my brother's father or

my son's nephew, because my son is my father's brother-in-law. Dean, that's

why I'm here. I think it is quieter here than at home. "

There is no long hair on my neck

My husband is shaving, and my wife wants him to buy her a necklace, so she mumbles behind her

"Honey, look at my neck, it's bare, and there's nothing."

The husband touched his neck a little inexplicably and said, "But my neck doesn't have long hair either.

pancakes

"You have a rare infectious disease," the doctor said to the patient.

"We are going to isolate you, so you can only eat pancakes."

"Can pancakes cure my illness?"

"No, because only pancakes can be stuffed under the door."

Compensation for consultation fee