At the junction of the Yangtze River and Jialing River, on the reef of Yemaoxi Ferry, a little girl with thin body and sparse hair stood on it. Her big hungry eyes reflected the muddy river, and there was a fire of rebellion and desire in it.

The Hungry Daughter is the autobiography of writer Hong Ying, which was published in 1997 and set in Chongqing's hometown. Hong Ying unreservedly put his early growth experience into writing, calmly and sharply wrote down the serious material poverty and extreme exposure of human nature in the special historical period ... They are like sharp hooks, which hook the reader's heart and make him suffer. It was a time of hunger. Under that background, people's bodies were hungry, their spirits were hungry, and even their souls were hungry.

physical and mental hunger that began in the womb

books set a mystery at the beginning. Liu Liu always felt a pair of eyes staring at her when she was at school, but those eyes didn't feel malicious. They followed her for several years.

Liuliu is the sixth child in her family. She lives in a dirty, crowded and noisy slum with her family and sleeps in a bed with her brother and sister every day. Such a home has no privacy and even lacks dignity.

"Every night, I always struggle from one dream to another, screaming and sweating, waking up as if I were seriously ill. In my dreams, I am always so hungry that I can't find a job, but I smell the rice. I cry quietly, afraid of being known, and I can't wait to kneel down to everyone with a bowl in my hand. For a bowl, in order to reach the fragrant braised pork as soon as possible, I am willing to kneel down to those who have bullied me. "

Liu Liu always feels hungry, and her stomach always seems to be twisted together from time to time, which makes her uncomfortable.

From the late 1951s to the early 1961s, China was experiencing a great famine, and there was a serious shortage of food. Many people even chewed bark and ate Guanyin soil because of hunger, and even made barbecued pork buns with human flesh. It was at that time that Liu Liu's mother conceived her, and she had already stored a deep memory of hunger in her womb. After birth, even though she didn't have to endure extreme hunger, her diet was poor because of poverty, and her stomach was never really full.

Liuliu felt her brother and sister's rejection when she was very young. She thought it was only because her mother had an extra mouth when she was pregnant, and they would get less food. Later, it was discovered that the complexity of the matter far exceeded her imagination.

growing up, Liu Liu felt like an extra child. Mother's attitude towards her is neither doting nor conniving. "It seems that I am someone else's child coming to visit, and I can't explain it if I make a mistake." Father will beat and scold his brother and sister, but he will neither get angry nor blame her. She feels like an orphan with both parents.

"I feel that I may be a big disappointment to them, an uncontrollable event that should not have come into this world." She felt that her mother didn't want to give birth to her at first. At the same time, she hates her mother's sloppy behavior, and she doesn't want to call her mother behind her face, and they never give each other a smile. She hates her mother to death.

My father suffered from eye disease and lost his job, so the burden of life fell on my mother. My mother is busy for a living, and my father is conscientious, but there is always a kind of indifference and alienation to 66. Their family is always looked down upon by outsiders, and Liu Liu has never understood the reason. She just craves communication and warmth between her relatives, which is actually a luxury. She grew up in the long-term indifference of her parents, the cold eyes of her brothers and sisters and the insults of her neighbors. As she discovered some small and amazing secrets, the great secrets about this family were slowly uncovered by her. At the age of 17, she met the first bright spot in her life.

Father's absence, abnormal love

He is like a beam of light in her barren life. He is a history teacher nearly twice her age.

"I only know that my first feeling is that I hate him for not paying attention to me. I hate him very much."

Liu Liu began to read novels in history class, deliberately violating discipline to attract his attention. Later, as she wished, she went in and out of the history teacher's office many times because of violation of discipline. In the process of constant communication, Liuliu gradually fell in love with this teacher, his clean and tidy, his clean cotton shirt; Like his profound knowledge, his home is always full of books and newspapers, and his mouth always spits out some incomprehensible poems; Like his father's age, he has a calm power ... How different she is from those who are sloppy, vulgar and exhausted in his peacetime, and her spiritual wasteland is irrigated by him.

She has never been kissed and caressed by her parents or brothers and sisters. They are like strangers who accompany her day and night. She even dreamed of being kissed and then awakened. Her skin was thirsty, and the lack of touching also caused her lack of security to some extent. Long-term lack and depression made her suffer. The history teacher is the first man she has contacted except her father for a long time. Such closeness has made her feel the comfort and "love" that she has never felt before, and her desire and longing buried for many years have been aroused.

The history teacher who was alienated from his wife and daughter and was suppressed during the Cultural Revolution, after the girl stubbornly broke into his life, both mental and physical desires were aroused. He intentionally or unintentionally teased Liu Liu, trying to teach her to swim, hoping to touch her body; She was given a textbook on human organs partly because she wanted to learn sexual knowledge, and on the other hand, she had an instinctive lust for her. This brave and bold girl can turn her back on her own happiness. One day, she knocked on the door of the history teacher's house alone. When she fell naked on his bed, he hesitated for the girl's future. He was afraid of hurting her, but he longed for her strongly.

"I just want to be yours and be with you today." Liu Liu said firmly. In this way, they are intertwined. Liu Liu wants to get a lover's father from him.

"Old enough to comfort me, wise enough to enlighten me, and able to exchange feelings with me on an equal footing, cherish me, pity me, and dare to stand up for my humiliation." Liu Liu thinks this is the perfect man's love, and her relationship with the history teacher fills some inner emotional holes, but this is not true.

The girl was reborn in passion, but the middle-aged man was close to death.

The secret of life experience, an unbearable burden

Liu Liu's mother finally has no intention of continuing to hide it. On her 18th birthday, her mother told her the secret of her life. The world of 66 collapsed.

It turns out that Liuliu is an illegitimate daughter, and the mysterious person who followed her has always been her biological father. There is love between father and mother. However, in order to take care of her adoptive father and many children with poor eyes, her mother chose to stay at this home. The law stipulates that a biological father can't see his own daughter when he is a minor. My mother was caught in a fierce contradiction, and finally chose to give birth to her. Therefore, the mother was accused of being a bad woman and humiliated the whole family. She finally understood why her father was conscientious but indifferent to her, her brothers and sisters alienated and complained about her, and her neighbors pointed fingers at her family.

Liu Liu thinks that her birth is hated instead of lovable, which is the root of her real hunger.

Shortly after she learned the truth, the history teacher hanged herself because of political pressure. Her emotional sustenance is as fleeting as fireworks.

I have never met my biological father, and I lack emotional communication with my adoptive father. No matter how perfect the history teacher is, she is only a lover. The love received by the three "fathers" is incomplete.

The blow of the truth about her life, the suicide of the history teacher and the unexpected pregnancy made Liuliu bear an unbearable burden. She felt helpless and no longer belonged to this home and this place. She doesn't want to live numbly in a dirty and cramped yard. She doesn't want to submit to humiliation after marrying a farmer or a low-level man like her sisters. She wants to put all this down and find a new life in a wider world. She aborted the baby, left her home, and went far away, trying to find love and redemption. Wandering outside, she studied writing, wrote poems and novels, and hung out with different artists ... Because of her excellent creative talent, she slowly lived a better life on the basis of the manuscript fee and got rid of her physical hunger, but the hunger for love still remained in the depths of her soul.

She has found love, and love is the inner light.

Sixty-six is Hong Ying. After leaving his hometown, Hong Ying became a poet and writer. At the age of thirty-five, having lived in London, she decided to write an autobiographical novel about herself, and this is The Hungry Daughter.

Living far away from home can't completely wash away the pain brought by her growth, but the memories of her past life emerge more clearly and concretely in her mind. She used the pen as a scalpel, cutting and analyzing herself bit by bit, revealing her history and pain, and the creative process was very calm but painful.

She wrote down what she really saw and felt about the people around her, but she didn't criticize or complain strongly. Although this process is extremely painful, it is also a healing process. Before and after writing, her severe depression broke out, and then she gradually improved.

After leaving her hometown in Chongqing, she also had a failed marriage. Influenced by family of origin, she married a man about her father's age and was treated unfairly in the marriage. Only after the divorce did she really understand that she was looking for a lover and husband, not an ideal father.

in the process of writing this novel, she is still in the exploratory stage of finding the answer, and her understanding of her mother is not thorough, but her former hatred has faded. At the same time, I have more understanding and sympathy for my father, brothers, sisters and neighbors. She bravely chose to face her own history, the history of her elders, and slowly reconciled with her past. Later, there were "Good Daughter Flowers" and "Little Girl" one after another. Her writing style became softer and softer, and her understanding of affection and love became deeper and deeper.

Today, Hong Ying has a good life, living in a big house outside London with a garden outside. She has a loving husband and baby daughter. She has her own desk and bookcase. She also loves writing, decorating the home, raising her daughter and cooking food. She lives in a rich fireworks world. Before the interview, she smiled so brightly that people wondered: Did she really experience such a cruel life? In essence, she has let go of the past. She is no longer the child who was always hungry. Time and action will heal her wounds. Yes, she once endured hunger severely, but the lack of love is a thing of the past. She is a proud flower in the slum, trying to bloom in the sun. What brought her to this day is her unparalleled courage, persistence and enthusiasm for life.

perhaps, at some point, the shadow of hunger will still appear on her. However, there is a strong light inside her.